Regret--what is "gret" and why should I ever re- it?

Do you ever play your least greatest hits back over and over again in your head?  You sit there in quiet contemplation about something else when all of a sudden you start remembering all that cringe-worthy shit you've ever done for absolutely no good reason other than to make yourself feel completely awful and ashamed?  My hindsight's been kicking my ass for about a week and I have no idea why other than a recent lupus flare kept me immobile with very little to do other than dig around in my head and blow dust off some stuff I should have set out for the garbage man to haul away.

Combine immobility with my natural introversion and viola!  We have weirdness in my gray matter.  Being an introvert makes me intensely prone to reflective thinking.  Usually this is productive for me, but not lately.  It's like I go rooting around in my noggin for an idea and WHAMMO!  This memory of something horrendous I did years ago jumps out at me like the Boogie Man.  What the hell is that about?  I've done a lot of work to move past those things and to live in the present because there's absolutely nothing I can do about the past and all that other healthy wellness advice that I truly do believe in. Yet, there it is.  Some random and not so complimentary or unsavory thing I did years ago looms.  It threatens to expose me like a blackmailer looking for some hush money.

What. The. Hell.

Then two things happened: 1) I got a massage from a friend and 2) I went to coffee with another friend.

Let me tell you about my friend the massage therapist. She's amazing.  Really.  I don't go out and chat and all that stuff with her that often because as I said--introvert.  OK, borderline recluse.  Anyway, she's got these liquid hazel brown eyes, naturally buoyant hair I would love to have, a killer dragonfly tattoo and we've had some fairly in-depth philosophical discussions that have helped me get out of ruts in the past. We visited back and forth a bit, got caught up and she basically massaged the crap out of my sore and achy muscles so that I promptly took a nap when I got home.  It was bliss.  I probably don't tell her enough how wonderful she is.  She really is fantastic.  She plays flute and she's always been drop dead talented.  I've never told her that I admire that about her, but I do.  I could never do that.  Her ability to play flute solo or with an ensemble is something you should experience some time.  As spaced out as I was after that massage, I started thinking about how awesome she is and couldn't help but smile.

Now for my coffee bud.  We've had an interestingly complicated friendship to say the least.  Way too much history to go into here.  She's a lot younger than me, but we also have a lot in common like a passion for the written word.  One thing I've always enjoyed about her is her zeal for life.  An opportunity presents itself and she goes for it.  She will pick herself up and move across country, which is something I have never done.  She's always struck me as someone who wants to experience everything this world has to offer and if it sucks, she's gonna go find something else to entertain her and the ugliness can just kiss her ass.  She's also dealt with way too much heartbreak and grief for someone her age.  Here she is in her prime and emotionally she's treading water.  At one point we were discussing her current relationship and she asked what I would do in that situation.  Before I had a chance to respond, she said, "You'd never be in this situation," to which I kind of scoffed.  After all the self-imposed regret montages I had endured the past week, I found that remark rather ironic.  My friend is in pain.  I know not how to help her other than to be here if she needs it.  I wish I knew exactly what to say to her to help her heal, but I don't.  I just know that the world is more interesting with her in it and I hope she knows that.

There you have it.  Two of the people I am blessed with knowing and calling friends.  These two women whether they know it or not brought me out of my head and back into life.  In the past, I've done rituals to cleanse and help me move on etc.  However, I am so fortunate to have these phenomenal women in my life and appreciating them for all their wondrous being worked better than a charm.  All of my friends are so important to me and yet I don't know that I tell them enough.  You see it doesn't matter who I was in the past.  I did some shit.  I learned from it.  I don't do that shit anymore because I figured out it wasn't who I was or who I wanted to be.  Despite that shit, these two people willingly seek me out for coffee or a movie.  For that, I am profoundly thankful.

And my Greatest Hits Regret Edition can suck it.

Lughnasadh

Post Lughnasadh Greetings to you all!

Per my usual, I spent this year's Lughnasadh up at the lake.  It was delightful as the full moon coincided with the sabbat.  Each of the 3 nights of the full moon I excitedly watched as the moon crept over the mountain before bathing the campground and lake in glorious and brilliant light.  I didn't even need the flashlight I took down to the lakeside the first night because the moon was that bright!  Breathtaking and wondrous.

As for the sabbat itself, I woke that morning and did the typical camping morning routine of hygiene and coffee before sitting down to ponder the deeper meanings of Lughnasadh.  If you don't know, this happens to be the first harvest of the sabbats and it is in essence the Wiccan thanksgiving.  You can read more about the Celtic God Lugh who lends his name to the sabbat here or on the festival itself at this entry.

I spent some time talking with my husband about what the sabbat means and reflecting on what we felt was going well this past year.  Some time after that I composed a list of what I believed improved over the last year and what still needs to get moving.  This is one of the suggested methods to reflect on your own personal harvest.  Pleasantly I noted that my list of "Needs More Time" was far shorter than my "Wow This Is Awesome."

• I am extremely grateful that for the first time in several years my husband got to camp with me the whole week of our vacation.  For the last few years, he's either been there for a few nights or not at all. 
• I am also grateful for my husband having found a job that does not require him to travel for weeks or months at a time.
• This summer I received an offer for a part time online tutoring job which along with my regular job and my husband's job means that we will be free of some major debt by this time next year.  Whew!  The end is near.
• I received a bailout of my very own this year as well which will absolve me of a portion of my student loan debt. This makes it that much easier to pay off that previously mentioned debt.
• I am reading even more than I used to if that is possible. I am reading a large variety of books as well, which is what I had hoped for this year.  For example, I read Stranger in a Strange Land while camping.  I can cross that off my "Classics to be Read" list.
• I am more fit than I have been in a long time and I have maintained my weight loss and lifestyle changes that helped me get back into single digit clothing.  You should see my arms.  Seriously--I cannot believe how fantastic they look.  They are strong and lovely and still feminine.  
• We have the most amazing garden that is providing an abundance of vegetables for the winter.  I wanted to devote more time to the garden and it has paid off in spades!
• I continue to be more honest and open with my parents and other people about myself.  I am a major introvert and a very private person, but I set a goal to be more open and to answer as honestly as possible any questions about my beliefs.  So far, so good.
• My husband and I remain close physically, emotionally, and philosophically.  I cannot tell you how much I value the fact that even when no one else seems to get it, he does.  
• Bellydance remains my creative and performance outlet.  I have been at it for about 5 years now and it still amazes me to watch my fellow dancers develop their abilities.  I love the camaraderie and the opportunities I have had because of this artistic expression.  I set out to go to a national bellydance festival this year and viola!  I will be doing that in about a month.  

Not a bad harvest eh?  Therefore, I was moved to write my own Lughnasadh words of celebration.  

Radiant Sun,

Through your warmth our garden thrives.

As your time each day wanes, 

We thank you for your bounty

And wish you safe journey

Toward winter's embrace.

Gentle Moon, 

Remind us of life's cycle.

As your lover weakens,

We thank you for these lessons.

Content in your presence,

And joyful harvest.

Grant us your wisdom with every bite,

Sow within us nature's rhythm with every sip,

I am thankful.