So That Was Easter

As time has passed and I have moved farther away from any kind of organized religion, Easter has not retained its magical nature for me the way Christmas has.  I love Christmas--the lights, the carols, the food--all of it.  Maybe because of time of year and the wonder of the holiday brings some life to the otherwise bleak winter.  Perhaps.
This Easter we had what my husband refers to as Atheist Duty.  You see, my parents and my sister's family attend Catholic mass together.  It becomes the responsibility of my husband and me to attend to meal preparations, watch a sick niece or nephew or as with this Easter, spend time with my 96 year old grandmother because my parents are afraid to leave her alone for the 1 1/2-2 hours while they go to mass.  She's narcoleptic and very prone to vertigo spells among other issues and I can see why they worry.  No problem.  Gives me a chance to talk and spend time with Grandma.
Any way, church service non-attendance: My mother attempted to engage me in the "I miss you at services with the rest of us and why can't you just go to Christmas and Easter Mass with us" conversation some years ago.  I admit I didn't handle that very well.  I believe I got a little irate at the suggestion.  I quite distinctly recall asking her why she thought I would ever do that since it was the Christmas and Easter only attendees that drove me batty growing up.  I really did get vexed at the increased numbers of people who only attended at the holidays so it seemed odd that my mother--who knew this--would suggest that I become one of them.  I was insulted.  If I don't attend the rest of the year, what makes these days more special?  If I don't have a strong enough faith in the belief system of the Holy and Apostolic Church to attend regularly, it make no sense to me to attend on the holidays.  I know it hurt my mother's feelings, but going to mass just to make her feel better or to assuage my guilt (Catholic remember--you can't always shake it!)  for having lost my temper just aren't enough.  I have not yet reached that level of comfort to attend a Catholic service with indifference.  There's an odd mix of residual comfort and familiarity along with outrage over with what I see as hypocrisy and immorality.   The last service I attended was my maternal grandmother's funeral where my uncle--my godfather--saw fit to tell me as I cried that my grandmother prayed every day that I'd come back to the Church.  It was one of those moments where I had to choose between lambasting him with, "Well I hope you don't waste your time like she did" or just nodding until I could have a moment to myself to scream.  I chose the latter.  You need to understand, this was my grandmother who sent me a kitchen mat/rug for my wedding.  Really--it was a maybe $15 in front of the kitchen sink rug. For my sister, she matted and framed some lace doilies she had made.  It's taken me a long time to make peace with this little dig, but my uncle's assertion that my grandmother prayed for me to come back to the Church--the implied meaning "can't you see how much it hurt her that you didn't go to church" set those feelings to boiling.  The fact that my uncle rarely engages me in any conversation via letters, email or even Facebook deepens the divide to the point where I have very little interest at all in sharing who I am or what I believe.  This is my family.
My mother has accepted the fact that I don't attend mass--at least outwardly.  I am sure it still bothers her--probably more because it reflects badly on her that I don't attend church, but still.  She hasn't mentioned it for some time.  She has however started asking questions or making statements about other beliefs and points of view.  I don't think she's quite ready to accept me being Pagan mind you, but she made an interesting comment this Easter about how she recognizes the Pagan origins of Christmas, but that she still thinks Easter is distinctly Christian.  Perhaps--depending on how you look at it.
Anyone on Yahoo last week probably saw this article about how the date for Easter is set.  By this it is evident that a celestial event is used to set the date of Easter and the variable nature of the Easter date is now explained.  I have to wonder why the date was set according to the moon whereas Christmas is a fixed date.  I know Christmas set more closely along with Pagan days like Yule and Saturnalia, but why not so with Easter?  It seems a strange way to set dates for one of the faith's most cherished celebrations.  I didn't bring this up though.
I also didn't explain about the Easter Bunny or the eggs as being Pagan either.  Again, this was one of those things I had to investigate when I began reflecting on being Catholic.  What the hell does a bunny, an egg and a bunch of chocolate and candy have to do with Jesus dying and rising from the dead three days later?  Well duh!  Those are all the trappings of Pagan and secular beliefs.  Looking just at the symbols, eggs are fertility representing the potential for a rebirth.  According to Pagan belief the Sun God is awakening from the winter darkness and takes notice of the Goddess--this sets in motion the mythology that will lead to the eventual uniting of the God and Goddess at Beltane.  An article in my Facebook news feed on Easter presented a lot of my own associations and beliefs about the holiday.  I loved her remark that, "It mattered not to me if this was myth.  I embraced the symbolic meaning behind it all."  Non-Christians and yes, many atheists I know like to poke fun at Christian Easter myth as being the zombie Jesus story.  I laugh too, but the myth is important this time of year if you look beyond the walking dead savior.  The young son (not sun anymore) God died and is resurrected just like the Sun in Pagan myth died in the winter and was reborn.  Both Sun and Son now go out into the world again to bring new life.  Easter distinctly Christian?  Not absolutely as far as I can reason.  Even the celebration of the Jewish seder reflects on the idea of moving from slavery to freedom--darkness to light--death to life.  Members are encouraged to invite people from outside their family and faith to partake in what is moving and hallowed ritual recognizing a new life of freedom.  There might not be bunnies and eggs, but there is an abundance of symbolism in every aspect of the rite which educates about the Jewish faith while also reflecting on the themes common to much of humanity: compassion, kindness, respect for children (children are expected and encouraged to ask questions to deepen their knowledge).
Even my atheist and agnostic sites sent me unique items in my news feed that reinforced my belief that if we'd all just stop having to be right all the time we might discover some fascinating similarities. Neil deGrasse Tyson explains the difference between agnostic and atheist, Cheney gives a rubric for atheist versus believer with some interesting quotations to explain the ratings, and Jason Gots reminds us of the important three beliefs that humanity almost universally accepts even without referring to religions.  Again--no bunnies or eggs, but there's the inclination to respect another belief system and to recognize that humanity should be able to agree on some fairly basic guidelines.
I may have missed an opportunity to engage in a meaningful conversation to educate my mother on Easter and the season and all it has to offer.  She seems content in her beliefs for now.  I hope if there is a next time I can speak up thoughtfully, objectively and respectfully. I also hope that if she and others like her have questions, they seek out answers from as many sources as it takes.

My New Ostara Ritual

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow night.

Hold outside if possible.  If not possible, have a living plant on the altar.  Decorate altar with flowers, edible seeds, and a green cloth.  Symbols of the God are important since this day celebrates his return to earth and his increasing awareness of the Goddess.  Incense that is flowery or herbal is best.  White candles and pastel colors are important.  Eggs represent the potential for life as do the seeds.  This is a time to feel the earth awakening and readiness to burst forth the life of the season.

Cast circle- bless and consecrate the water, salt, set incense and candle burning

Recite blessing:

            I call upon the renewing energies of the earth,

            The life-spring of the planet come forth!

            Rejoice with the Lord of the Hunt and the Lady of the Moon,

            And together with the elemental realms attune!

            Entwine with one another, surround this space,

            Rain blessings within, among, and around the earthly base.      

Invoke Goddess and God

            Maiden Lady, beautiful Goddess of nighttime skies,

            Join and offer your abundant blessings to this Ostara rite.

            Young God, rise from your slumber and begin to burn,

            Join and offer your fiery blessings on Ostara’s turn.

Feel the energies of the earth either through contact with the plant or through the soil if you are outside.  

            Mother earth, I feel the heat of the God rising through you!  Your energies rise          together to free us all from winter’s chill. Light and dark in balance with the Lord and Lady to renew, regenerate, rejoice!  On this paper my goals are three: creativity to           solve the problems we face, peace for the tribulations of the world, and an end to     suffering of all living things.  Take them into the fire and set them free as the world awakens to spring!

Light paper on fire and place in cauldron to burn out.   Meditate on the changing season.  Celebrate the Simple Feast.  Close circle.

I Hope "8" Is Enough

Last night I watched a new play, “8.”  It reveals the happenings in the courtroom during the Proposition 8 hearings that were closed to the public.  The staged reading contains actual transcripts from the trial combined with sincere, candid, and at times comically absurd--albeit truthful--scenes.  Here’s an article about the play .  The goal of course: to reveal what happened in the courtroom since cameras were barred.

I must say that the list of names in the cast definitely encouraged me to watch last night as the play was live streamed on YouTube.  From a theatre point of view, it was simple, straightforward, and of course, not without its foibles such as, “Say all rise” being repeated because the woman reading the bailiff forgot that part.  Ah live theatre!  Martin Sheen indeed captivated.  George Clooney revealed more through is standard swagger and smirk than I thought possible—how did he and John C. Reilly not just lose it during the cross examination?  Really?  Brad Pitt as the judge surprised me, but he did well with his understated portrayal.  The most exciting point to see was the change that occurred with the boys of Sandy Stier (Jamie Lee Curtis) and Kris Perry (Christine Lahti.)  They went from complaining about missing soccer practice for the trial to understanding how wrong it was that their parents even had to go to court at all over an issue such as this.  That scene at the end when they have nothing more to do than to wait for the decision—between mom and son (you’ll know which one)—brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. If that's not enough, they had Jane Lynch too.

My assessment of the play aside, I firmly believe that this is an important piece of American history and theatre and culture.  It is to be watched by every citizen because as Theodore B. Olson said, “We put fear and prejudice on trial, and fear and prejudice lost.”  It became glaringly apparent to me that the idea of denying marriage based on sex orientation harms everyone involved.  It harms individuals, couples, communities, countries, the whole human race.  It does this by seeking to relegate a group of people to less than human status.  When we allow that to happen, we cause untold harm.  As humans, haven't we done this enough in our history to know better?  The parallels to the abolition of slavery are not hyperbolic or irrelevant.  The transcripts show that when asked to put proof on the table, the arguments for banning same sex marriage have no basis in fact just as the laws that denied human rights to slaves did all those years ago.

I along with about 200,000 other people watched enthralled last night.  Talk about courtroom drama at its finest!  Law & Order ain’t got nothing on the real thing, baby!  I hope you take some time from your busy  schedule to watch.  This play brings to light what it means to be human.  Period.  Labels are just labels.  In the end, we all become dirt.  While we are on this rock trying our best to muddle through, we should seek to uplift one another, not degrade, deride or deny that another human being holds the same rights as we do.

Here’s the link to the American Foundation for Equal Rights page devoted to this brilliant piece of drama. 

Don't Mind Me

"To shape the immediate circumstances of one's life to bring the natural flow of the Universe through our being and therefore shape our reality according to the Divine Design so that we may evolve, learn and express our divine gifts of beingness."

I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately about the HigherMind.  If you don’t know what that is, don’t fret.  It relates to the psychic mind—the part of our brain that transcends the earthly world of the day to day life.  The Higher Mind in some philosophies is what connects us to the metaphysical and the Divine Plan.  You can read this article about that notion, although I’m not much for the implication of the Divine Plan.  It’s that whole fate vs. free will argument and frankly, I’m just not sold on either side of that debate.  I suppose that’s where my Buddhist leanings come in—just try and live in the present when worry and doubt and fear try to take control.

Anyway, some schools of thought teach that the Higher Mind is aligned with the right hemisphere of the brain and it’s what facilitates creativity.  Whether you reach Higher Mind through meditation, prayer or slapping paint on a canvas matters not in my opinion.  However, if you think the concept is utter new age rubbish, consider this:  have you ever tried to recall and name or a detail and the harder you tried, the further away that factoid was?  Then later when you were performing some mundane task like brushing your teeth (personal fav) suddenly it hits you out of the blue?  Why is that right?  Well that’s when your logical self is calm and quiet and your psychic channel opens up to other possibilities and BAM!  You get hit with that detail that so vexed you earlier.  In his wonderfully thought provoking book Courage to Create Rollo May discusses this point at length.  If you get a chance, check it out.  It really makes sense when put in that context rather than the off-putting fluffy nature of some writings on the topic.  My practical goatishness (Capricorn rising and moon) tends to get huffy about articles like the one linked in the first paragraph.  It’s rather out there in its discussion in my opinion.  People who aren’t accustomed to such conversation would probably write it off as nonsense.  May on the other hand, takes a different tack that might appeal to the less metaphysically minded.

Whatever the case, the concept is fascinating.  Human beings have a need to create.  Whether we create a comfy, decorative house or a delightful baby book for a child, or a masterpiece of bronze, humans throughout time have created beauty and at times even pushed the boundaries of society.  Bourne states in his article that creating for the fun of it is one way to attune with the higher mind so long as there is no concern for the outcome.  I can just hear my theatre professor from college telling me to, “Give up the result…stay in the present moment!”  Leonard Schlain also addresses this idea of higher consciousness through art in his fascinating yet cerebral Art and Physics.  His supposition is that in many instances through art and science history, artists have preceeded science with advances in concepts and theory relating to our world.    Hindsight and analysis are wonderful aren’t they?

I’ve experienced this access to the Higher Mind though.  Sometimes when I least expect it like washing my hair or staring into a fire.  I know I have felt that shift of awareness, that transcendent sensation of utter being and beauty.  I didn’t call it Higher Mind, but those experiences in meditation, spell work, prayer, dance, theatre or art are the easiest ways I can explain this concept.  

I hope you can see my point that there are multiple ways humans can reach this Higher Mind.  All of them have value and none of them are wrong in my opinion.  I think the greatest wrong we could do is not to seek it at all.

Postscript:

On a side note—my goatish doubt about trusting the Universe to provide and “go with the flow” despite being terrified must hang its head and nay with apology.  Oddly enough just after I had finished this post today I was grappling with how to raise $700 dollars for a trip to Las Vegas.  This trip would be for a belly dance conference and all my dancer friends are going.  I didn’t think I was going to be able to get the money together and I was starting to brainstorm ways to make it happen.  I actually thought, “Man!  I could really use a tutoring assignment…even a short one.”  I kid you not—within 20 minutes of that thought I got a request for a student who needs tutoring while he recovers from surgery.  3-6 weeks which means $300-600 for my Vegas fund!  Add that to my belly dance performance pay between now and September and I have a lot less work to do. Ok Universe!  I’m listening.

What's So Important About Faith, Love and Compassion

http://www.ted.com/talks/imam_feisal_abdul_rauf.html

I tried to get the video to embed, but it wasn't happening.  The link above should take you to the TED talk I discuss in this post.

Lately I’ve been running into the same concept in many forms and from many sources: compassion.  Whether it’s a Buddhist, an Atheist, a Christian, a Pagan or a Muslim, I’ve heard the same call for compassion from each of these sources over the last week.  That strikes me a bit coincidental.  I am the first to admit that my knowledge of the Muslim faith is not as inclusive as my study of the other viewpoints and it was a Muslim’s call for compassion that prompts this blog.  I encourage you to watch this 16 minute video on compassion as the rest of this blog refers back to several points he makes throughout the clip.

Imam Faisal Abdul Rauf begins by discussing elements of his faith for those of us who are less than knowledgeable.  He states that part of man’s purpose under Muslim faith is to follow the path of the prophet as closely as possible.  When he says prophet, he includes Jesus as well as Muhammad.  I admit, I had to stop the video because the idea of following the path of the prophet struck me profoundly.  I couldn’t reconcile how if this is the goal of the faith it could be so bastardized into something as ugly as suicide bombers.  It’s the same notion about crusades and killing doctors who perform abortions in the name of Christianity that bothers me.  I simply cannot put war and spirituality together in my mind.  I understand the need to defend one's self, but to go looking for trouble in the name of religion offends me deeply.  I definitely did not get the impression that Rauf would condone such actions in the name of Muslim faith; in fact, he cites the egotism as the barrier to compassion and peace.

For many reasons I agree that a self-centered approach to life is a barrier to compassion and to peace.  How can we possibly hope to see an issue from another point of view if all we concern ourselves with MeMeMe?    All major world religions teach this idea of compassion as far as I’ve been able to gather.  Even Atheism believes that compassion is a good quality and that we should follow the Golden Rule because to do so otherwise is just cruelty.  Why is it so difficult for humans to get this through our skulls?  Rauf would say it is egotism.  In the sense of an overblown sense of self-worth or importance—I agree.  I think the idea of fanaticism is borne of egotism.  Everyone wants to be important and to feel a sense of purpose in their life.  By preying on that need, fanaticism breeds and extends its tendrils into cultures.  Religion on the one hand offers a beautiful sense of camaraderie and belonging, but fanaticism distorts that fellowship until it is unrecognizable as a spiritual center.  Egotism is therefore the death of following the path of the prophet or in my case, the Wiccan Rede. 

Along with that notion,  Rauf raises the idea of the soul as a divine breath.  This concept parallels the concept of the Lord and Lady being within each of us.  If someone truly believes that the divine breath resides inside our souls, how can one turn their spirituality into harm?  I absolutely cannot figure that out.  Life is beauty.  Being among life is glorious.  Making the most of the life we are given is a gift.  So much ugliness exists in the world as it is why would an individual choose to add to it?  It seems to me that a far more noble life path would be to spread appreciation for all life –especially those with whom you disagree.  I am not always good at this.  It’s not easy and I am not saying give up your personal views and be a pushover to anyone else.  Do not be a creampuff!  However, listening and trying to understand other viewpoints opens us to compassion for others and what a lovely way to honor the divine breath?  At the very least, it should be clear to everyone regardless of their spiritual beliefs that to be compassionate is better than to be apathetic. 

I disagree with the supposition that humans are meant to be servants and glorify the prophet even though I appreciate that he says by whatever name you call him.  I think the idea of glorifying a deity and serving a deity helps fuel the fire of fanaticism.  I’m sure people will disagree with me, but consider this:  glorification means to hold up the deity as exalted or above others.  That hierarchy of power sets up a foundation for a power struggle over who is right and who is wrong.  It again puts deities above us and demands that we try and carve out a higher point for our God or Goddess over any others.  I honestly do not think world religions will ever come truly to accept that a Protestant God, a Catholic God, a Pagan Goddess or a Buddha are all the same face of one concept or several paths to the same goal because of egotism and thirst for power or dominion over others.  Seeing humans as servants or supplicants to a higher power seems to widen the gulf rather than to bridge it.  Clearly, that’s my opinion and it’s not my place to tell anyone else their path is wrong if it works for them and creates good in the world.

However, remembering to open ourselves to acknowledging the suffering of others and to looking for ways to ease that suffering, I think we make the world a little better.  It’s important to take a few steps back every once in a while to consider other viewpoints.  It helps us solidify and reason out our own beliefs.  Please consider these ideas, pray about them, meditate on them and if you are so called, please sign the Charter for Compassion.

 http://charterforcompassion.org/site/

To Harm and Harm Not

                Long time no blog.  Let’s just say that I have been quite successful at distracting myself with all kinds of other activities.  However, there is a topic that has been gnawing at me for a few weeks and I have been tossing it around in my noggin like some kind of chunky yet unsatisfying salad.  The issue arose a few weeks ago during a family dinner.  The idea proposed that thoughts could be harmful simply by thinking them. While I can see the point of view, I am not sure that I fully agree with this assertion.

                Can thought be harmful?  Absolutely.  I do believe that under certain circumstances thoughts can indeed become harmful.  For example, consider the typical stalker.  An average ordinary Joe sees a sweet young thing that captures his attention.  After a few creepy notes, heavy breathing phone calls and restraining orders Joe’s thoughts have clearly crossed boundaries into harm.  However, was it his initial thought that was harmful?  I don’t think so.  It was the obsession with the thought and the subsequent action Joe took that led to the harm.  Simply seeing the sweet young thing isn’t harmful in and of itself.  Furthermore there is the ultimate harmful thought: suicidal thought.  Again, simply pondering is not harming oneself.  I must admit that I have thought about suicide and what way I would do it.  Personally, I like the idea of pills.  Simply going to sleep sounds way better than many of the other choices.  Before you go calling for someone to do a wellness check on me, I am not suicidal.  However, I am prone to morbid thoughts after reading books or viewing a show that relates to the topic.  After watching CSI for example, I have to ponder why someone would follow through or why they opted to do the deed in that way.  Trying to understand the motivation for the action is not harmful.  I think it helps me to see a point of view that I don’t comprehend.  I think it is vital for someone to explore those darker currents of our world in order to appreciate life.  I have thought about suicide, but not in a serious context as in planning on when, where, how and what my note should say.  I do not think either of these scenarios as thought are harmful when taken by themselves. It seems to me that two important distinctions exist when evaluating the harmfulness of thought: how much time and energy is put into the thought and whether or not the thought leads to deed.

                Energy ties into the notion of obsession and compulsion in my book.  Think of our stalker Joe—his thought of the pretty young thing consumes him.  He feels an overwhelming need to be with her and imagines a whole other reality with his nymphet.  His reality of course is not real at all except in his mind.  That’s mental illness that leads to illegal and violent action.  Joe Stalker invests all his energy toward that thought.  This is not the same as simply thinking, “Hmmm, she’s really pretty” and going about your life. I think back on my Newt Gingrich post—is it harmful to think after reading a few articles where he likens me to all the evil that he sees in the world—“What a jackass!  I’d like to smack him alongside the head.”  I don’t think so.  I am human and therefore flawed.  I embrace my flawedness. I realize that once I have that gut reaction and I state my opinion fervently it’s over and done.  I go back to living my life such as it is until something else vexes me.  My thoughts are mine and as long as they don’t cross over into action, I think to deny that heightened emotion state is actually more harmful—you go toward repression then and that never leads anywhere healthy.  Now some days I am better at looking at the ridiculous statements people make about issues I find important and tossing my head back in laughter than others.  I’m not trying to be perfect.  I am not seeking a state of compassion for all humanity right away.  I think sometimes it takes a bit more effort and that is ok.  Grappling with the big issues and engaging the debate shows a use of the grey matter between our ears and that to me is not harmful.  It’s when we take violent action or don’t try to reason our way out of our anger and frustration that the harm takes root. 

                The simplest part of this argument to me is that thought is not action.  Period.  There is a considerable difference between me thinking of hitting someone alongside the head and me actually hitting someone alongside the head.  Using those critical thinking skills to consider the potential consequences of such an action is part of what makes us human and not a chimpanzee or some other primate cousin who solves problems by flinging poo.  Self control separates a mature adult from a tantrum-prone toddler.  We have several idioms in our language about harmful actions like, “I’m gonna kill you if you do that one more time.”  We don’t really mean it—it’s a figure of speech.  I understand that some world views say that we should greet all discord with love and compassion.  That’s a beautiful aspiration, but it’s not always practical.  I think you might be able to get to that state of enlightenment, but I also think that occasionally thinking, “if that guy doesn’t shut up I am gonna put my foot through his front teeth” is perfectly human and not harmful in and of itself.  It’s certainly not something I am going to lose sleep over.  It’s an emotional response that I will suppress and channel in another manner.  Acknowledging the frustration is important in order to maintain my self control and to figure out a way to manage the situation that doesn’t involve aggression. 

                Can thought be harmful?  Sure.  Can it be a red flag for us to take stock of our emotions before things get too out of hand?  Positively! However, I don’t want to live in a world view that wants me to feel guilty or says that I need to confess my all my questionable thoughts.  Hello!  Left Catholicism for a reason. My thoughts are mine and as long as they aren’t obsessive and/or don’t lead to harmful action, then I do not see harm.

Imbolc

I performed my Imbolc ritual last week.  I must say that while it felt a little strange during the ritual, the results were certainly felt!
When I say strange, I mean I had all the parts together, I had a circle that felt charged and electric and I had all the feline support I could take, but there was something in the periphery of my awareness.  There was something on the fringe that I couldn't quite put my finger on during the ritual.  It was not wrong or uncomfortable, just a presence with which I was uncertain I guess.
Following closing the circle  I felt this surge of energy.  It was wild.  I always get a little juiced after a circle, even with grounding and a simple feast, but this was different.  I was filled with this hopefulness that I haven't felt a lot lately.  Imbolc is about anticipation and the awakening of earth to a new season of growth and I have to admit I felt the energies far more acutely than I have in a while.  My mood was light, my attitude positive, my spirits higher than they have been the last several months.  It was like all my worries, concerns, and stresses were burned away in that cauldron and replaced with everything that is good about the world.  On a funny note, I gave Poof--the eldest of the felines--a kitty massage.  When he wants attention from me, he wants to be scratched and massaged from noggin to tail so I did.  Holy buckets!  I don't know if I had a little residual energy still in my hands or what, but I think I transferred them to him because he started behaving like a kitten full of all the attitude and bravado of a young Tom!  There was a definite pulse beating in the house on Imbolc night and we all felt it.  It was exciting!
The whole next day I floated through my routine with this sense of invincibility.  It was like whatever much got hurled at me at work, it didn't matter.  No one was going to disrupt my happy.  Some really icky stuff happened that day, but I felt better equipped to dust myself off and keep moving forward.  It was like I could handle anything and remain feeling lighthearted and content.  It was glorious.
Then it happened.  As I was quietly reflecting on the amazing sensations I was experiencing, it hit me.  This is why I do this.  This is why I meditate, visualize, cast circles--I've always been a pagan.  Even when I was little and supposedly following the Catholic teachings, I was a pagan.  When I think about it, every spring when the days started getting longer, I felt it.  I didn't know what it was, but I could feel this potential warmth and energy that was begging to be released.  I observed that the snow was getting wetter instead of the dry, cold winter snow.  I noticed that the little bunnies were being born.  I saw the birdies building nests.  I was always a keen observer of the changes in the seasons.  I felt them.  I was the same way with the phases of the moon.  I could feel the electricity crackle when a moon was full and the brightness shown over the night.  In the fall, I would have the sense of rest.  As I smelled the chimney smoke in the neighborhood, saw the frost over the lawns, felt the chill that is so distinctly autumn I knew that the earth was going to sleep.
This revelation was just one of those moments of ah-ha that brings order to every chaos that permeates existence.  Suddenly everything was in focus and I felt energized and centered all at once.  As for the odd presence I felt in my Imbolc ritual, I can only guess as to what it was.  If I had to venture a shot, I would guess it was energies of spring.  I've been fine tuning my connection to the earth for the last several weeks and I think I was sensing that old spring magic once again.
Blessed be!