To Have and To Hold

Greetings to you all.  Hopefully you are well and enjoying the summer.  As always, many weddings have come and gone this season and more will follow. For now though, I must discuss an unfortunate wedding-related event that recently consumed my thoughts: chauvinism. 

Let me set the scene:

A young woman and her mother sit close together planning the twenty-two year old’s wedding which will happen in about a month.  Much to accomplish on the pre-wedding to-do list for these two women who busily attend to each item on the list.  As they discuss the decorations and the menu and the song list, the mother lovingly offers this pearl of marital wisdom to her daughter:

“Honey, when you marry you will follow your husband’s family’s set of traditions.  On holidays, you will go to his family or you will follow their traditions in your own home.  When I married your father, we celebrated with his family as you know.  It wasn’t until your father’s parents both passed that we spent a holiday with my parents.  This is what you will do when you marry.”

I cannot express to you my outrage and my disbelief upon hearing this true to life story happening in today’s world.  First of all, why does the husband’s family tradition take priority?  In a marriage, the two people should decide together what their plans will be.  Saying that the woman should submit to the man’s way of doing things cuts off any discussion or relationship building between these two young people.  It deepens the notion that men rule the household and women have no authority or voice beyond what the man grants.  Secondly, just because the mom decided in her marriage to handle it this way does not mean that the daughter should follow.  Now, if the bride-to-be and husband-to-be decide together that this is how their marriage should be, then I cannot argue that because they made that decision together.  I think it’s wrong and I think it’s harmful to them as well as to any children who are then raised in this belief, but it thankfully is not my marriage.  Despite the fact that I believe in a couple’s right to live with this marital structure, perpetuating this kind of chauvinism in families does little to move us forward as a land of equality.

Now what does this have to do with Wicca or paganism?  Well, the above situation transpired between a devoutly Catholic mother and her daughter.  No surprise that chauvinism would be present in this family since their religion teaches gender hierarchy through excluding women from being priests and the recent attack on American nuns, right?  They also have a creation myth based on the idea that women are the reason humans fell from grace.  This isn’t a harsh on Catholics post, so I will stop there, but it is necessary to understand the full situation so we can then look at the pagan perspective in comparison.

In Wicca, the Lord and the Lady are frequently seen as equals.  In some popular creation myths, the Lady comes first and when the Lord shows up in the plot, there’s no shame or guilt or fall from grace to support either gender being superior.  The Lord and Lady each see to different elements of life on earth.  They walk in love sharing this world in a beautiful balance.  Their relationship myth shows a respect for one another and a unity of purpose for their life together.  Under this model for marriage each participant is valued and appreciated.  The married couple moves through life mutually choosing celebrations and traditions as a couple.  As a couple they discuss, they create, and at times they argue, but they build a life together based on mutual esteem and love.  Neither party makes the other feel lesser or like his/her opinions have no merit because the other party has superiority or dominion over the other. 

This is what the Wiccan creation myth teaches about marriage.  It is beautiful.  It is respect.  It is divinely inspired unity.

Therefore why on earth would anyone ever willingly give up his/her own self-determination just because he/she got married?  That makes no sense to me whatsoever.  It seems to demean the beauty of marriage.  It reduces the woman to chattel that live in the father’s home for so long and then get traded to the husband. If that’s not just backwards thinking I don’t know what is. Frankly, I want no part of it.  Thankfully, my husband doesn’t either.