Sayonara, Topamax!

I. Am. Free.
It feels good.

Enjoy it, Goat. 

This is my first weekend free of Topamax. I couldn't make it another month. Technically, they say 2-3 months to get full effect. I say fuck that if it means everything tastes weird, I have more headaches on it than off it, I can't enjoy sex, and I contemplate suicide.

That's what I said, NPH!

I went to see my doctor for a follow-up after the ear, nose, and throat person determined that my dizzy spells were likely migraine related and I should see a neurologist. Thanks for the validation. I already knew that, but apparently we had to go through all that again just to be sure. Anyway, I decided my doctor and I were going to talk this through as the last two visits felt more like how fast could he clear me out of the room instead of a consult regarding my health, which is very important to me.

You're telling me?!? At least you and I see it things the same way, NPH.

I told him how things were going. I told him I didn't think the Topamax was that great. I told him that food and drink didn't taste right and that my appetite had really dropped off. He checked my weight. He sounded surprised at the 12 pound loss in two months. He knows that I had been trying to drop the extra pounds I put on after my neck surgery, so I think he was hoping I'd be pleased. He mentioned that weight loss was a side effect. I replied, "I know. But I like my food to taste like it should, not metallic." He nodded and looked again at the computer screen.

Ok, not my best argument, Riker. Fine. 

Then I thought I should tell him that it was having the opposite effect that it's supposed to have. That seemed fairly persuasive to me. I showed him my migraine app that showed over 20 headache days (24 on the first month of Topamax) when the month prior to starting Topamax I had 5. He replied, "I don't think we should give up on it just yet. It can take awhile." I told him I knew that, but that there were other troubling issues besides the sharp increase in headaches. The increase in headaches were also driving me to rely on my Maxalt, which just breeds rebound headaches. He concurred and suggested that I start taking ibuprofen 30 minutes after taking my Maxalt. While my blood doctor has approved me for up to 8 ibuprofen a day, taking that much just to control my migraines worried me. I told my doctor that when I increased my ibuprofen after the surgery, I experienced an increase in nasty mystery bruises and nose bleeds. While I heard what he was saying and was willing to try it, it just seemed to be passing the buck--making one condition worse while supposedly making the other better. At this point, I was really proud of myself for continuing to speak up. It was also nice that he seemed to actually be listening this time.

Party on, Wayne.

Then I told him about the sexual side effects. This didn't faze him a bit. Didn't even look up at me or give indication that it was concerning. Dammit! We were connecting and I thought I was getting through. Apparently my being female means sex isn't a big deal. Maybe he didn't find the inability to climax to be an inconvenience. Perhaps he didn't think that going three weeks without even the slightest hint of desire was a big deal. Maybe he's impotent and didn't see why I should be concerned. I don't know, but I told him this was definitely not like me. I'm not one to be so completely disinterested in sex. He barely blinked.

I know, Dean. WTH?

Fine. Time to break out the big guns. I told him I don't like the way it makes me think being dead would be better than being alive. He asked if they were fleeting. I told him the first two were. They scared me, but I was able to halt the thoughts and recognize that they weren't what I wanted, and I returned to my regular activities. He reiterated that he didn't think we should stop the Topamax yet. I told him I disagreed. I told him that while maybe the flavors in food would even out once I was on the full dose long enough, I didn't enjoy the lack of sex. I didn't enjoy the burst of pain I seemed to have all the time, and it was definitely impacting my day to day life. I told him the suicidal thoughts were scaring me. He said, "I thought you said they were fleeting?" I said, "The first two. Let me tell you about the one over the weekend." I proceeded to tell him about how as my husband and I were Netflixing on the sofa, I started thinking about how much simpler everything would be if I were dead. I thought poison would be best. I ruled out a razor because while effective given my bleeding disorder, I just didn't want someone to have to clean up that mess. We don't have a gun, and I really didn't feel like trying to get one because why violate my belief system just to die. So I settled on poison. It'd be simple to find, easy to put into my tea, and I'd just drift off to sleep. I even began to think about if there was poison in the house, say in the basement with the plant and garden supplies. Maybe under the sink. Bug killer and whatnot. This one was more detailed and had elements of a plan and it scared the crap out of me. He went to his computer and looked up side effects and found that Topamax indeed had warnings of suicidal thoughts. This seemed to convince him that Topamax was not right for me. I began tapering off of it the next day.

That's right, NPH. Happy dance is on!

Thus ended my relationship with Topamax. I came home Friday and had a beer for the first time in two months. That was a damn fine beer.  I can drink again, but I do believe I need to be cautious about over doing it. No need to ruin the moderation idea I've built up. Food is starting to taste normal again. We had tacos last night that actually tasted like tacos should: delicious. My husband and I have had sex three times this weekend. I can orgasm again. I've not had a single suicidal thought. According to my migraine app I've been headache free for 4 days. Funny, I took my last Topamax 4 days ago.

Nah. I don't think it's coincidence either.