Awkward Family Dinners

For the past two Easters, my rather obsessive nephew has inquired why I don't go to church. With his older siblings, the "I don't believe as you do was" enough. Not so with obsessive boy. He needs an answer that makes more sense, which I was somewhat ill-prepared to do the first time, but I was ready with the "It isn't my thing" response. This mollified him...for a year.

Not as awkward as having dinner with this family, but it was uncomfortable.

Last year, he asked as we all sat around the dinner table awaiting our stomachs to make room for pie. He wasn't going to let it go this time, so my sister stepped in with the Mom-voice. I'm not sure if she was saving me from being put on the spot in front of the whole family or if she was trying to save Mom from having to hear out loud and at a formal Holy Day meal that her youngest daughter does not believe in God. Perhaps a bit of both, but her son caught the tone and "the look", and let it go. I figure I better have more fodder for this year's meal than some platitude or general comment that can be interpreted to mean I still hold an inkling of belief because if you've read any of my previous posts, you know that's not true. 

Nope. Still not buying it.

As a result, I started formulating my explanation. It needs to be specific enough to satisfy a bright boy's curiosity without also causing too much discord I suppose. Trying to put it into words and concepts is a challenging task because as psychologists point out, it's the curse of knowing. I know what I know and how I arrived at this knowing, but trying to explain something with which I am so familiar presents a daunting task. Here goes anyway.

I'm sure this chart would make total sense to him.

I boil it down to a sense of awe. I'm not the first to arrive at this distinction. Faithful people tend to find awe in contemplating God and the mysteries of their faith. I find my awe through other modes. 

How's that for perspective? 

Walking the Neighborhood

Going for a walk in my neighborhood at different points in the year allows me to witness the changes in the area. Right now of course, the sun is brighter, temperatures warmer, shrubs are budding, flowers pushing through the soil, and birds are calling. Spending time just observing the changes fills me with peace and awe. It fills me with a hope of the summer's warmth and renewed baby bunnies and birdies that will soon make their appearances. Today's walk was made even more glorious because I had another witness with me; my sweetie came with me. Holding hands and strolling around our little corner of the world brought a calm and peace along with the hope.

This would be a very fine walk to take during different seasons. 

Gazing at the Moon

I've done this ever since I was in high school and had to wake up before dawn and deliver papers on my route. It was the first time I really noticed how gorgeous the moon was. In winter, the moon reflected off the snow brings a wonder that I've never felt elsewhere. It's sublimely beautiful with the clear blue light bright enough to see without the help of streetlights. Even trudging through a foot of snow bundled in my winter gear while frost collected on my eyelashes couldn't take away the serenity and quiet meditation of basking in the moonlight. 

The cold, the quiet, the light of the moon. A cup of cocoa and a snuggle by the fire. Bliss.

Sitting beside a Lake

Just sitting. Not talking. Not listening to music or being otherwise distracted. Just sitting and drinking in the beauty of a mountain lake fills me with wonder. Hearing the scamper of small creatures, the call of raptors, the gentle bloop as fish jump quickens my tranquility. At these times, nature in its perfect glory reveals my own thoughts, flaws, and needs. The introspection and calm gives me a feeling of being connected to all things on a far deeper level than sitting in a pew ever could. 

Pews aren't as comfortable as a buttrock by a lake.

Cuddling with my Cats

I'm sure it works the same with other pets, but I have cats. I've had a dog whom I loved, but she was not so inclined to quiet contemplation. Cats though know how to zen. I can drink a cup of tea, stroke one of them, listen to him or her purr, and explore whatever thoughts or concepts need to be hashed through. Both of my kitties are quite good at being conduits for meditation. They can't both work their mojo at the same time as they are not buddies, but either one individually quite successfully centers my focus and  brings about a balance.

Not Hissy. Not Link. Not ever.

Dancing

It's easy to lose myself in dance. Sometimes a 6 minute song seems like too short a time, other occasions it seems to extend time. I find that fascinating. At times, I feel like I lose awareness of performing and just transport to a harmony of rhythm where my body frees itself from pain or worry. Dance connects me  beyond myself to ideas and expression outside my physical being. When I watch my fellow dancers, their performances lead my mind away from the mundane and allow me glimpses of their creative being. It's truly fantastic to be a part of such a community.

Ignore the pink. No pink to see here.

Drumming

My husband and I play doumbeks. We do this because I am a belly dancer and learning the rhythms is vital for a dancer. My husband enjoys getting to drum for the dancers. Sometimes the rhythm lulls me into a meditation. When it's a rhythm I know well, I can put my hands on auto-drum and relax my mind for a time. Drums are a very earthy activity for me; I get a groundedness that I don't often feel outside of drum circle.

Dude! Where'd my drum go?

Watching Science Documentaries

How can someone not feel awe when watching The Universe or Planet Earth? Listening to Neil DeGrasse Tyson or Carl Sagan lead me through the Cosmos makes me feel small and mighty all at the same time. Traveling the depths of the ocean in a submersible that reveals first ever footage of live giant squid helps me connect to the strange and glorious creatures that share the planet with me. The diversity of life alone generates untold amazement. Documentaries give me a sense of purpose and a sense of responsibility that I endeavor to abide by. Considering humanity's place in the web of life reveals keenly a duty and obligation to protect, understand, and honor our enormous fortune to be here at all. I never felt any of that during services or prayer.

Hello, beautiful. 

Studying Art

I've recently discovered a Facebook page called I Require Art. They post a lot of Vincent Van Gogh, which pleases me greatly. It's delightful to scroll through my newsfeed and happen upon a work that draws me in. It transports me somewhere I've never been in a time that I would otherwise know nothing about. Impressionists, post impressionists, expressionists, I don't care. Art pulls me out of myself to other places. It's a glorious transcendence that suspends time and encourages my mind to take a journey. It's quite unparalleled in its impact.

 

Ever been jealous of people in a painting?

Orgasming

Don't lie. If you've had one of those full body orgasms that make you forget everything around you, you have felt time and space shift. It's awesome. I won't share this one with the nephew mind you, but when I'm fully intimate with my husband and my mind and body come together with him, it's beyond this worldly plane. It's gratifying, satisfying, and mystifying in its all too brief burst of pleasure. I simply can't tolerate any kind of spirituality that doesn't recognize and celebrate the glory of sex as natural and beautiful in and of itself without being bound to only procreation or male and female coupling. Orgasms are divine. 

I may need a moment to catch my breath.

I may add more to this list as time goes by, but maybe not. I feel quite contented in any of these pursuits, so I don't feel a need to spend an hour a week standing, kneeling, reciting, or devoting myself to something I don't believe. Religion does not provide the peacefulness that I feel I require to sustain me. Maybe if the nephew asks this year, one of these explanations (not the sex one) will help him and anyone else within earshot, to understand my choice to walk away from Catholicism, Protestantism, and any other -ism that requires belief in a deity. But that doesn't really matter though because it makes perfect sense to me.