For Mary

Today someone is missing. We went to brunch at my sister's. We had French toast casserole that my niece made. We exchanged cards, stories, and gifts with each other, but someone was missing.

I've not written much previously about my mother in law as it wasn't really my grief to share. At least, I didn't feel I should write about it as I was just a bystander who watched, fumbled while trying to help, and often just had to step out of the way as others tried their best to provide all that was needed. However today, I've spent an awful lot of time thinking about her. So today I am going to share some of what I learned from my mother in law.

She loved roses. There was a bush with roses close to this color outside her front door.

Strength

Oh my gods. Her strength was something I always admired. She somehow managed to raise four children largely on her own. Three boys and a girl all on her own. She had friends here who supported her of course, but she provided for them. Not only that, but in her last few months of life, her strength in the face of her impending death was humbling. I don't know how you manage to go day to day just waiting for the hammer to fall. Yet she did.

This is me sometimes, and I don't have four kids to raise. How she managed is beyond baffling to me.

Work Ethic

Along with that strength, she also worked ceaselessly. I swear, she always seemed to have at least four or five different jobs going. I suppose though, as a Headstart teacher who needed income all year long, you would have to especially with four mouths to feed. I honestly don't know how she did it, but again, she did. She also passed on an awareness of the working class that I don't think a lot of people see or care to see. A whole class of people who work endless hours and have so little to show for it by the end. It's not due to carelessness or vices, just that jobs are sometimes few and far between and without enough reward to support a family. So you work every day of the week for more than the standard 8 hours just to get by.

She taught us how to treat the wait staff right. We now make sure we carry cash for tips to they get all if it not part of it like they would from tips on the card receipts.

Rabbits

I never considered ever having a rabbit until I met her brood. She always had some in the backyard hutches that we'd care for whenever she went out of town. They were goofy little creatures. We adopted a few of them over the years. Bunnies are mischievous and they can be cuddly. They also offer magnificent fertilizer for your garden. Bunny poo is much less stinky than manure you buy a the gardening supply. I miss HodgePodge, Humphrey, Rupert, and Ansel, and I am thankful Mary brought bunnies into my life.

These aren't two of ours, but they look like Humphrey and Ansel.

Ducks

She also kept a collection of feathered kids. Those birds were entertaining and functional. Their poo was great for the lawn and garden. They nibbled the grass so it never needed mowing. They trimmed the raspberry bushes. They kept the bug population at bay for when we ate outside. Then there were the eggs. I was not raised on a farm, so my eggs always came in neat and tidy Styrofoam cartons from the store. Until Mary introduced me to delicious, fresh duck eggs. Best eggs ever.

A winery back East keeps a huge flock of these Indian runners so they don't have to use pesticides on the vines. Ducks do it better.

Garden

Those rabbits and ducks were a wonder of fertilizer for the garden. In that garden, so many delicious foods were grown. Potatoes, squashes, sunflowers, Brussels sprouts, and more. Flowers were around too along with herbs. One of the fun things about summer was going over to check on the garden. It was always huge and thriving. From that plot of land we'd get family meals, and she'd often give Gregg a flower to bring home to me. She definitely had a knack for growing foods that I can only hope to imitate through my garden by neglect philosophy.

This is not my garden.

Kids

She really loved kids and toys and storybooks. I've never been overly maternal and honestly. Kids make me feel largely uncomfortable and awkward. I just don't have the natural instinct to play with kids or communicate with them  on their level all that well. My husband does; he got this from her. She usually would go play with the kids at family gatherings rather than spending time with the adults. She always seemed somewhat amazed and intrigued at everything they did. She'd also always support the lemonade and Koolaid stands in the neighborhood. We were expected to have change in the car so we could stop and support the little entrepreneurs. 

This was my favorite story growing up. We read it a lot over those last few months.

Tea

She collected tea pots. She often had tea on hand to offer especially as she got sicker and the coffee she so loved became too much for her stomach to tolerate. When she went into home hospice, we drank a lot of tea. A lot. It was winter in Montana and it was bitterly cold some days. Tea warmed us all. I have some of the ginger peach she was fond of and whenever I have a cup, I think of the countless cups we had huddled in the living room where she would remain until she died. She and the Brits knew: a good cup of tea is important and soothing.

Earl Grey. Hot. Picard knows his tea.

Food

I didn't always share in the tastes of the family I married into. One dish I probably never would have ever tried is paella. It's got way too much seafood in it for me. I've never liked shellfish other than shrimp and I really like spice to my food and saffron is not all that tasty to me despite it's outrageous price tag. However, paella was tradition. When you join a family, you assimilate a few things like food. She also taught her kids how to cook. I have truly benefited from this as my husband is a fantastic cook. I happily clean if he cooks. One of our favorites though was going out for pizza and beer. There's a local place that makes fabulous cracker style crust and we would go there together. Good beer, good pizza, and we'd always have quarters to play the ridiculous cluck-cluck machine. It was full of plastic eggs with penny prizes inside. 

You can hear this machine throughout the entire restaurant. It's an institution at that pizzeria.

Dirty Jokes

One thing I found very entertaining about her was her penchant for dirty jokes. She was so quiet and understated most of the time, but she definitely had a mind that knew how to navigate the gutter. She also made it a mission to make sure everyone knew about Dr. Seuss' children's book for adults. I suppose it was all about balance. Play with the kids, but don't forget the hilarity in telling a good penis joke.

You should check this out if you haven't before.

Santa Paws

Growing up, our cat and dog always got treats on holidays because none of us ever wanted to eat the gizzards or hearts or livers of the turkey. However, we never really bought presents per se for our pets and never were they called fur children or four legged kids. However, Mary warmly accepted our felines as her grandkitties and she always saw to it that they got treats on Christmas and other holidays. They were just as much part of the family as anyone else though. We still make sure we get gifts from Santa Paws for them or recognize their adoption anniversary.

This is how our children do affection.

There's a lot more I could say, but these are some of the highlights. Some years ago, I felt some sort of rift with her that I never could fully understand. It was unsettling and awkward and I never asked her to explain what happened. It just failed to be important eventually. Even with the discomfort, I still respected her. I still admired how she did the things she did. I still hate cancer for what it took from her and from her children and her family. Today, I miss her. Maybe we'll have pizza and beer tonight.