Rolling in the Dark

We're halfway through October. The dark part of the year continues to encroach on the precious daylight. Frost on windshields, scarves around necks, and hands in gloves start to appear. The final harvest is upon us.

 No, Goat. Samhain's ahead still. 16 days yet.

I spent part of today in the backyard tidying the herb garden and the vegetable garden. My husband spent most of his time turning and tending to his compost while I trimmed raspberries, cleared out the herbs (they make the compost smell better), and pulled some overgrown and icky weeds. I poured the containers of compost on to hubby's tilling piles and he showed me an earthworm as big around as my thumb! Clearly, the compost is doing well.

I imagine the worms and the other soil bugs will be feasting like this tonight.

Now I am back inside and about as alert as jelly. I absolutely love this time of year and making the yard ready for winter, but even just the two hours today wiped me out. I really should just take a nap, but I might not wake back up before morning. Still though, I pondered the dark half of the year today as I toiled in the yard.

Samhain will be rather bright with the full moon arriving on November 3, but still: darkness.

A big part of the time leading up to Samhain deals with honoring ancestors. While I know this is intended to be for all the human family, I was struck today by how much I truly miss Poofus. He was our first furry member of the family and he was my familiar. He would protect me, he curled up and participated in circle with me, and he snuggled with me. I loved him dearly. Today as I cleared out the herbs, I cleared off his grave, too. I pulled weeds and brushed away the leaves. I replaced the stones that had slid down. We still live with three other felines, but none of them are quite as familiar as Poof. Maybe it's just me not being as into rituals as I used to be. Hissy would like to step up as familiar, but the young one, Klaus, just torments her. He's so curious about circle and ritual. His presence though is something that Hissy cannot abide in circle. Klaus doesn't quite get it.

Miss you, Poofus. 

I've been meditating quite a lot on my dark self. As I meditate, I realize certain aspects of myself that I'm not particularly fond of. One is my anger. While my meditation and yoga and breathing and Valerian root all help keep me on an even keel, sometimes my anger switch flips and I'm told I am rather scary since most of the time I appear to be unflappable. It catches people by surprise. I don't like this temper, so perhaps it is something I can write on paper and burn come Samhain.

Sometimes it just boils up and spills over.

I'm also a bit of a coward. I think people would find this surprising, but I do tend to take the easy way out; usually for fear of failing. Awful, right? It's part of my anxiety I know--the whole not feeling secure in my own wellness that I don't want to let people down and I don't want to commit only to have to back out. Today for example, I am really scared that my yard work will make tomorrow's work day foggy and exhausting leading to me being almost non-functioning at dance. It's a hole that will get deeper and deeper. It's easier just not to exert so I can avoid all that spiraling fatigue and disappointment. No is easier even when it makes me look like an asshole. Again, maybe write it down and burn it.

This could very well be how I feel tomorrow...and for a few days after.

Another part of my dark side involves the penchant for morbid thoughts. Paganism has made me a lot less fearful of death. I'm not afraid of it like I was with the whole go to heaven or suffer eternity in hell that Catholicism taught me. I figure, once I gave up that duality, I accepted the whole cycle of life and death a lot more. I will die. People I love will die. My feline companions will die. Somehow, I can't help pondering how though. Once in a while, I will wonder how the end will come--will Link (our Maine coon) get run over while he's out protecting the neighborhood? Will Klaus get snagged by a raptor the way Ansel (a rabbit) was? Will my mom have that heart attack that she thought she avoided with her surgery three years ago? Will my husband and I die in a car crash when we drive to see Depeche Mode next weekend? It's weird. I don't fear the deaths, but I also think about them more than most people I reckon. Again, write it down, burn it, and replace it with an enjoyment of life as it is.

Soar upward and let it burst forth. Say goodbye.

Ah well. It's the darkness in all of us that Samhain forces us to confront. Mortality, loss, and unfortunate character traits crop up in the dreams, the meditations, the interactions. While Halloween is a delightful holiday to celebrate, Samhain goes deeper and drudges up the aspects we'd rather leave in the dark recesses. Some believe the veil is thinnest between the world of the living and the world of the dead. I feel more like the veil between the self I show others and the dark self I keep mostly in my thoughts thins. Call it out. Acknowledge it. Burn it. That's how I roll with the darkness.

 

That's right, Moose. Spend some time pondering the darkness.

Gut Reaction

When I was a kid, my family went to Glacier Park and Kalispell for a short vacation. We wanted to see the bald eagle gathering at McDonald Creek and see the fall colors. It was  fun trip and the fancy dinner was supposed to be one of those kids get to order whatever they want and have Shirley Temples kind of affairs. However, I didn't even make it through the salad course before my belly started hurting so bad I couldn't move without agony. It was the area right about where my diaphragm is. I'd had this pain before and it was intense. I had to leave the table and went to lie down in the car, but the pain only got worse. This is one of my earliest memories of IBS.

Don't mock me, Goat. That's not very nice.

At the time, I didn't know it was IBS. That term came along much later. My mom thought I was just attention seeking or that I had a run of the mill tummy ache from eating too many of the saltines before the meal. I loved the complimentary crackers and butter at restaurants. She may have been closer on that second suspicion. It could have been the crackers. I didn't pay much attention then, but I do now.

Yes, Obama. You're right of course.

Apparently, when you fall off the rails of Paleo eating, your IBS comes back full throttle. *sigh* I've had a lot of intestinal distress, and after trying a few weeks of increasing my fiber intake to no avail, I got to see a gastroenterologist. I started on some probiotics instead since the fiber increase was only making matters worse, not better. I'll spare you the gory details, but it was so uncomfortable and it made me so cranky that I was fairly well hating things. After two weeks of kefir and Align and IBGuard, things are not really getting better. *another sigh*

Thanks for the sympathy, Scully.

I wanted to avoid the FODMAPS elimination diet. I thought increasing my probiotics would help. I think it did bit, but not enough. I was still having tummy pain and getting bloated and backed up. You know what I mean. My two week experiment ends in two days, which means to the elimination diet I go.

I know, Picard. No Earl Grey, hot for me.

The Paleo thing will help my resolve. However, there are some other restrictions that will be difficult. No onion or garlic, which are two of my favorite food flavorings. I simply adore garlic and we always add more garlic than is asked for in recipes. Not for the next two weeks dammit! I can't have asparagus either. I love that vegetable.  Avocados are out, too. Sonofabitch! Some items on the list won't be tough to avoid like breads, but the list of things that I adore being off limits is going to suck ass for the coming weeks.  Cashews, almond flour, and hummus, too. Mushrooms? You've gone too far FODMAPS. Shitsticks!

You and me both, Hugh.

I can do this. I can do this. Friday with the family is going to be tough. It's already been tough with the Paleo thing, but this is even worse. I simply don't know how things are going to turn out. They already think my diet is wonky and I'm always trying something else to make it better. This is just one more thing right? Fuck!

Kitty feels my pain.

I can have eggs. I can have bacon as long as it doesn't have nitrates. I can have corn chips and berries and coconut milk. There's a long list of things I can have. Luckily, I've made friends with beets, so that will help. We have plenty of squashes to choose from. I will not go hungry. I am fortunate to have access to these foods. I can do this.

That's right, Blanche. Thanks for vote of confidence.

Of course, the IBS pamphlet from my GI doctor lists other suggestions. Eating better is among them. Of course it is. I knew that. I didn't have an awful diet like many Americans, but it wasn't the true Paleo that it had been. Another suggestion is of course to manage your stressful situations. Screw you and your reduce stressful situations. That can't be helped. I'm a fucking special education teacher. It's the territory. Besides, I do things to manage it thank you very much. Another is to exercise regularly. Bite me. I do that, too. Elimination and then slowly add back food is the way to go. I already know apples give me belly aches. Fine. No apples during the fall. Fucksticks! Garlic and onion will be the first items added back That's just the way it will be. I hope they aren't the culprits.

That's exactly what I'll do, Jimmy.

Hopefully this will reveal what foods make my belly hurt. May it show which ones cause the bloat. Exposing the offending food that makes my gut gurgle and my colon refuse to release the poo would really be a relief. I'm sure my husband would be pleased if my noxious flatulence was curtailed by identifying the villainous food. I can do this. I can do this. *sigh*

Keep looking, Moose. You might find something else I can eat. I'll check my list first just in case.

Religious Freedom My Ass

I've had about enough of people whining about how their religious freedoms are being infringed upon by being asked to cover a medication that only women need. A medication that has a wide variety of applications just for women's needs. A medicine needed to manage pain and discomfort and bleeding, but because someone along the line told these religious faithful that the medication was evil and went against God, they should not use it. Consequently, even though someone else who does not hold those same religious beliefs is now not able to have that medicine covered by insurance. This is utter bullshit.

Yeah. Makes me want to scream too, Goat.

It is bullshit because there's  not a real good equivalence impacting men in the same way. Sometimes the idea of erectile dysfunction medication comes up (haha! see what I did there with the pun?). Anyway, some people, myself included, feel that if women can't have birth control covered, then men shouldn't get erectile dysfunction medications. The same argument for not restricting access to both medicines applies: women use birth control for other medical conditions. Men use medications like Viagra for other purposes like heart conditions and high blood pressure. In both cases, the person who needs the medication should not have to justify their prescription to anyone. No one. Not an employer. Not an insurance company. To no one because of bodily autonomy and privacy.
Furthermore, no one is talking about the idea of men's penises in this discussion except the people who support coverage for birth control and call out the double standard. Maybe because no church would limit a man's ability to procreate, but they would try to exert control over women. Especially those women who have the audacity to call them on their bullshit.

Glad we agree on this, Wilfred.

I actually find myself agreeing with the Satanists on this topic. According to the Satantic Temple website the tenets include:

• One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.
• The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo your own.
• Beliefs should conform to our best scientific understanding of the world. We should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit our beliefs.

That's right, Spock. The Satanic Temple are the logical ones.

Apparently it takes Satanists to be rational about this conversation. While the Satanists recently entered the debate on abortion, their argument bears consideration in the light of the birth control argument, too.  Those who oppose birth control coverage do so for reasons that are not scientific. Birth control is not an abortifacient despite claims to the contrary. The Satanic Temple holds with bodily autonomy making questioning the use of the birth control a violation of the self-determination of one's body by not getting pregnant. Even those emergency birth control options prevent pregnancy which begins when the fertilized egg implants, not at fertilization. While some try to say otherwise, the medical community agrees that it's only at implantation that pregnancy occurs. Prior to that, the fertilized egg can still pass out the of the body. It is believed that between 1/3 to 1/2 of all fertilized eggs do not implant according to a report from the Guttmacher Institute website. This means that even the body rejects fertilization as pregnancy. Even though the body can dismiss that many fertilized eggs, no one is claiming that the woman's own uterus is an abortifacient, so what the actual fuck is this whole debate about? It's control over women. Period.

Aunt Frances smells it, too.

The idea of religious freedom though could extend into other issues like fertility treatments for all people, not just same-sex couples. It could also deny coverage to gender reassignment for transgender individuals. It could even restrict blood transfusions or other medical procedures due to an employer being  a Christian Scientist or Jehovah's Witness. Interestingly though, those religions are not raising their voices. Funny that. Perhaps they know that their religious views should not impede another person's right to medical care. Maybe they realize that it's none of their business what another person does or needs to be healthy and well.  

Earth-shattering concept, right Doctor?

Additionally, this seems like a lot of trouble for the business and insurance companies to come up with plans that are tailored just to the views of the business owner, who likely doesn't fully comprehend the medical conditions he or she is attempting to eliminate from policies. Are they also seeking to eliminate vasectomy and tubal ligation? Again, it's really just a way for Christian faiths to exert control over the woman and reduce her to a baby producer.They want to exert control over the reproductive rights of gay and lesbian couples, too. It's bigotry hidden by religion. 

I know, Jareth. It's a bullshit argument. I know.

Religious freedom can also be applied outside of reproductive rights. It can also be applied in arguments concerning pagans and First People's rights. Of course, when the Standing Rock Sioux tribes protested the Dakota Access Pipeline, they were heavily criticized and maligned. If Pagans stood up and protested the sales of public lands or the dumping of waste into wells, rivers, or streams because of their religious belief that these ares are sacred and divine and by many considered their church, they'd be laughed at and tossed aside. Without federal regulations to work with these religious views, the Standing Rock Sioux would surely have lost their battle. Without federal regulations against stripping resources from national parks or preventing pollution, Pagans will lose their sacred groves and natural places of worship. But no one talks about these concerns in the religious freedom debate.

As long as people misunderstand this, they will never take us seriously in the argument.

Women don't matter. LGBTQ don't matter. First People's don't matter. Pagans don't matter. Only the righteous Christians matter in this issue. Even then, probably only the white ones. 

No moose. Not you. I know.