Gut Reaction

When I was a kid, my family went to Glacier Park and Kalispell for a short vacation. We wanted to see the bald eagle gathering at McDonald Creek and see the fall colors. It was  fun trip and the fancy dinner was supposed to be one of those kids get to order whatever they want and have Shirley Temples kind of affairs. However, I didn't even make it through the salad course before my belly started hurting so bad I couldn't move without agony. It was the area right about where my diaphragm is. I'd had this pain before and it was intense. I had to leave the table and went to lie down in the car, but the pain only got worse. This is one of my earliest memories of IBS.

Don't mock me, Goat. That's not very nice.

At the time, I didn't know it was IBS. That term came along much later. My mom thought I was just attention seeking or that I had a run of the mill tummy ache from eating too many of the saltines before the meal. I loved the complimentary crackers and butter at restaurants. She may have been closer on that second suspicion. It could have been the crackers. I didn't pay much attention then, but I do now.

Yes, Obama. You're right of course.

Apparently, when you fall off the rails of Paleo eating, your IBS comes back full throttle. *sigh* I've had a lot of intestinal distress, and after trying a few weeks of increasing my fiber intake to no avail, I got to see a gastroenterologist. I started on some probiotics instead since the fiber increase was only making matters worse, not better. I'll spare you the gory details, but it was so uncomfortable and it made me so cranky that I was fairly well hating things. After two weeks of kefir and Align and IBGuard, things are not really getting better. *another sigh*

Thanks for the sympathy, Scully.

I wanted to avoid the FODMAPS elimination diet. I thought increasing my probiotics would help. I think it did bit, but not enough. I was still having tummy pain and getting bloated and backed up. You know what I mean. My two week experiment ends in two days, which means to the elimination diet I go.

I know, Picard. No Earl Grey, hot for me.

The Paleo thing will help my resolve. However, there are some other restrictions that will be difficult. No onion or garlic, which are two of my favorite food flavorings. I simply adore garlic and we always add more garlic than is asked for in recipes. Not for the next two weeks dammit! I can't have asparagus either. I love that vegetable.  Avocados are out, too. Sonofabitch! Some items on the list won't be tough to avoid like breads, but the list of things that I adore being off limits is going to suck ass for the coming weeks.  Cashews, almond flour, and hummus, too. Mushrooms? You've gone too far FODMAPS. Shitsticks!

You and me both, Hugh.

I can do this. I can do this. Friday with the family is going to be tough. It's already been tough with the Paleo thing, but this is even worse. I simply don't know how things are going to turn out. They already think my diet is wonky and I'm always trying something else to make it better. This is just one more thing right? Fuck!

Kitty feels my pain.

I can have eggs. I can have bacon as long as it doesn't have nitrates. I can have corn chips and berries and coconut milk. There's a long list of things I can have. Luckily, I've made friends with beets, so that will help. We have plenty of squashes to choose from. I will not go hungry. I am fortunate to have access to these foods. I can do this.

That's right, Blanche. Thanks for vote of confidence.

Of course, the IBS pamphlet from my GI doctor lists other suggestions. Eating better is among them. Of course it is. I knew that. I didn't have an awful diet like many Americans, but it wasn't the true Paleo that it had been. Another suggestion is of course to manage your stressful situations. Screw you and your reduce stressful situations. That can't be helped. I'm a fucking special education teacher. It's the territory. Besides, I do things to manage it thank you very much. Another is to exercise regularly. Bite me. I do that, too. Elimination and then slowly add back food is the way to go. I already know apples give me belly aches. Fine. No apples during the fall. Fucksticks! Garlic and onion will be the first items added back That's just the way it will be. I hope they aren't the culprits.

That's exactly what I'll do, Jimmy.

Hopefully this will reveal what foods make my belly hurt. May it show which ones cause the bloat. Exposing the offending food that makes my gut gurgle and my colon refuse to release the poo would really be a relief. I'm sure my husband would be pleased if my noxious flatulence was curtailed by identifying the villainous food. I can do this. I can do this. *sigh*

Keep looking, Moose. You might find something else I can eat. I'll check my list first just in case.