Rolling in the Dark

We're halfway through October. The dark part of the year continues to encroach on the precious daylight. Frost on windshields, scarves around necks, and hands in gloves start to appear. The final harvest is upon us.

 No, Goat. Samhain's ahead still. 16 days yet.

I spent part of today in the backyard tidying the herb garden and the vegetable garden. My husband spent most of his time turning and tending to his compost while I trimmed raspberries, cleared out the herbs (they make the compost smell better), and pulled some overgrown and icky weeds. I poured the containers of compost on to hubby's tilling piles and he showed me an earthworm as big around as my thumb! Clearly, the compost is doing well.

I imagine the worms and the other soil bugs will be feasting like this tonight.

Now I am back inside and about as alert as jelly. I absolutely love this time of year and making the yard ready for winter, but even just the two hours today wiped me out. I really should just take a nap, but I might not wake back up before morning. Still though, I pondered the dark half of the year today as I toiled in the yard.

Samhain will be rather bright with the full moon arriving on November 3, but still: darkness.

A big part of the time leading up to Samhain deals with honoring ancestors. While I know this is intended to be for all the human family, I was struck today by how much I truly miss Poofus. He was our first furry member of the family and he was my familiar. He would protect me, he curled up and participated in circle with me, and he snuggled with me. I loved him dearly. Today as I cleared out the herbs, I cleared off his grave, too. I pulled weeds and brushed away the leaves. I replaced the stones that had slid down. We still live with three other felines, but none of them are quite as familiar as Poof. Maybe it's just me not being as into rituals as I used to be. Hissy would like to step up as familiar, but the young one, Klaus, just torments her. He's so curious about circle and ritual. His presence though is something that Hissy cannot abide in circle. Klaus doesn't quite get it.

Miss you, Poofus. 

I've been meditating quite a lot on my dark self. As I meditate, I realize certain aspects of myself that I'm not particularly fond of. One is my anger. While my meditation and yoga and breathing and Valerian root all help keep me on an even keel, sometimes my anger switch flips and I'm told I am rather scary since most of the time I appear to be unflappable. It catches people by surprise. I don't like this temper, so perhaps it is something I can write on paper and burn come Samhain.

Sometimes it just boils up and spills over.

I'm also a bit of a coward. I think people would find this surprising, but I do tend to take the easy way out; usually for fear of failing. Awful, right? It's part of my anxiety I know--the whole not feeling secure in my own wellness that I don't want to let people down and I don't want to commit only to have to back out. Today for example, I am really scared that my yard work will make tomorrow's work day foggy and exhausting leading to me being almost non-functioning at dance. It's a hole that will get deeper and deeper. It's easier just not to exert so I can avoid all that spiraling fatigue and disappointment. No is easier even when it makes me look like an asshole. Again, maybe write it down and burn it.

This could very well be how I feel tomorrow...and for a few days after.

Another part of my dark side involves the penchant for morbid thoughts. Paganism has made me a lot less fearful of death. I'm not afraid of it like I was with the whole go to heaven or suffer eternity in hell that Catholicism taught me. I figure, once I gave up that duality, I accepted the whole cycle of life and death a lot more. I will die. People I love will die. My feline companions will die. Somehow, I can't help pondering how though. Once in a while, I will wonder how the end will come--will Link (our Maine coon) get run over while he's out protecting the neighborhood? Will Klaus get snagged by a raptor the way Ansel (a rabbit) was? Will my mom have that heart attack that she thought she avoided with her surgery three years ago? Will my husband and I die in a car crash when we drive to see Depeche Mode next weekend? It's weird. I don't fear the deaths, but I also think about them more than most people I reckon. Again, write it down, burn it, and replace it with an enjoyment of life as it is.

Soar upward and let it burst forth. Say goodbye.

Ah well. It's the darkness in all of us that Samhain forces us to confront. Mortality, loss, and unfortunate character traits crop up in the dreams, the meditations, the interactions. While Halloween is a delightful holiday to celebrate, Samhain goes deeper and drudges up the aspects we'd rather leave in the dark recesses. Some believe the veil is thinnest between the world of the living and the world of the dead. I feel more like the veil between the self I show others and the dark self I keep mostly in my thoughts thins. Call it out. Acknowledge it. Burn it. That's how I roll with the darkness.

 

That's right, Moose. Spend some time pondering the darkness.