Poor Life Choices

My mom's side of the family is Polish. We have this drink that I make for us during the holidays. It's called wazonka (wasonka depending on which spelling you feel like using that day). It consists of sugar, cinnamon, cloves, water, and everclear. Yes. Everclear. That stuff that comes with a "May Cause Death" warning on the label. Relax. The alcohol gets boiled so some of it burns off. Some. The water helps dilute it. Somewhat. You may see where this is going. Wazonka was only one poor life choice of this holiday.

Colchester Zoo, Wikimedia Commons

Yes, Goat. This is all my doing.

 I accept full responsibility.

My husband and I usually have one or two shots Thanksgiving morning as we are making final preparations for the big meal. Not usually a problem since we also have food in our bellies. Then, we toast with it at our meal with a big ol' Polish "Nazdrovia!" or "To your health!" Sometimes we have a second toaster with dessert. Which we did. Then, hubs and I got home and proceeded to have a few more over the course of the evening. Oh! And there were vodka seltzers involved, too.

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Yes, Jimmy. If only your cold stare of judgement had been upon me that night.

Despite the big meal and the increased water consumption, I did not prevail over the inevitable hangover. My husband did. That rat bastard. Fun fact: Too much alcohol doesn't just make you feel like shit when you have a couple chronic illnesses. I had the nausea, headache, and lethargy. However, my gums were swollen and bled when I brushed my teeth, my tongue was raw, and there were sore spots in my mouth. Thanks, Sjogren's! Then, all my fibro spots hurt so much that toweling myself after a shower hurt. Every joint ached and was swollen. Tough to say which one contributed that reaction to the entourage. Likely all of them. Incidentally I don't count the headache as part of my migraine since it's really just a typical reaction to over imbibing.

royalsocialmedia.com

Not really, Karen. More painful really.

The holidays are hard to navigate even without too much alcoholic involvement. There's a lot of sugar, too. I always make the pies. My family loves my pumpkin pie. They also love this sweet potato dish that really should be called a dessert given the amount of sugar and brown sugar it entails. While I had only a small spoonful of it and only a small piece of pecan pie (hubs made that one this year), it along with the alcohol and sugar from the potent potables contributed to my horrible Black Friday.

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Et tu, R2D2?

On top of these things are of course the unavoidable grains. The stuffing, the pie crusts, and the pumpkin and date bread my mother made. *sigh* I did have a large helping of Brussels sprouts to crowd my plate more than the spoonful of stuffing I had. I had half a piece of the date bread. I ate the pecan filling out of the crust. I also had an anti-histamine on the side. Yet, my gut said, "Nice try. You lose anyway." Have some IBS all night long so you can't sleep.

@ashvsevildead

You always know what to say, Lee.

The alcohol. the sugar, and the grains combined with my weakness  resulted in my still feeling less than my best three days later. The headache is gone. The gums and mouth sores are resolving. The fibro points are not as sensitive. The joints aren't screaming with every step. I'd like to say I've learned my lesson and next year I will have tea instead. I will eat just the turkey and the Brussels (which are actually an IBS trigger) and maybe mashed potatoes (they can be rough at times). I can't expect my family to change their ways. I don't think they really buy into my reactions anyway, and I tend to cheat at family gatherings, much to my detriment. Thanksgiving is not a meal to be tampered with in any way. Period.

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Don't worry, Doggo. Not gonna tamper with it. I swear.

I'd like to say I won't make poor choices again next year. But that's a year away and who knows where I'll be at by then. Maybe I'll be in the "Fuck it all!" state of mind I was this year. I really don't know. I suppose I can look into some other food options before then. WTH, right? I've got a year to figure it out.

Public Domain Images

No, Moose. I haven't forgotten Christmas. Thanks for asking.

Shit!

The Have's and Have Not's

Yesterday, my nephew was on his digital device scrolling through reddit. He found something to share with his mom. Someone's post about how if the minimum wage in one of the southern states (I think Mississippi) would go up to $12/hour, then her above average wage of $12 an hour would not be special anymore. She posed the question that if minimum wage was going up $5, then her $12 and hour should also go up $5. Of course, that's not the way it works. I remarked about how the minimum wage going up won't affect her at all. If her job pays enough now, it still will after the minimum wage goes up. My nephew saw fit to explain to me the poster's point of view, which I already understood. I just rejected it as social media whining about perceived injustices. The fact that he clarified this point for me told me he wasn't up for a discussion about income inequality in America.

openphoto.net

Yes, Goat. There's such a thing as income inequality.

I've been gnawing on this idea for a while now, mostly because of our recent financial woes. I think to myself that it is mind-boggling that someone who makes what  I make can't save for the future without restricting our groceries (but I like eating more than soup or ground beef every night) or only driving the 25 year old truck that used to be mine, but now is my husband's. My Zippy Subaru shouldn't be in our driveway. We shouldn't try and improve our home. We shouldn't do anything fun like go out of state for a trip. Even camping should be considered a luxury. I think about how we really don't spend on extravagances, yet here we are eeking by at the end of another month. We have a home and we have reliable vehicles (at least Zippy that is) and we have food. Compared to others, we have it pretty damn good actually. And I think that's part of the problem.

@suitsusanetwork

Ugh. But it so totally is.

I saw a posting from one of my friends about how if you're not poor, it's called self-care; but if you are poor, it's called laziness. I think that's very true. Last week when I felt lousy after my Benlysta, I could call in sick the next day. When I had a migraine the day after that, I could again call out sick and take care of myself. I didn't have to worry about losing that day's wages. I didn't have to worry about my boss firing me because I had to miss a shift. I can go get therapeutic massages as part of my treatment plan. I can somehow get all of our meds paid for each month. I can close myself in with my husband for a good old pantsdrunk weekend night if we need to decompress. No one looks at us sideways for these.

@ifc

That's pantsdrunk in a nutshell.

Things would look a lot different if I was working the same job as my husband though. Even though his job pays slightly above minimum, it's also "casual part-time", which means no insurance and no guarantee of hours. For example, he was reassigned to another client without much warning. It took a few days for the management folk to get him paired with another client and working again. We both brace ourselves with the knowledge that once again, his paycheck will be too small to cover all his household cost responsibilities. Fortunately, my check will cover it. It won't make the holidays any easier, but we'll manage ok.

80sCommercialVault

A metaphor for my paycheck.

However, those three days lost wages would be devastating if I was at minimum or just above it like so many others are. Someone with our myriad of health problems would sink. They'd work themselves into an early grave I have no doubt. We're going to skate by again and get back on stable(ish) ground eventually. Others would live in the constant fear and insecurity all while enduring the condemnation of those who've either forgotten or who have never known what it means to be working poor. In America, we've got this fucked up idea of the self-made man or woman. It's little more than a myth in our current state of affairs. Study after study comes out and says that moving out of one social class into another is beyond unlikely especially for those in poverty. It's about as likely as winning the lottery I'd wager. While there are stories out there of celebrities like Jay-Z, they are the exception not the rule. Those exceptions feed the myth and allow the have's to look at the have not's with blame and disdain.

www.reactiongifs.com

Always. Always with the judging.

I'd like nothing more than to live in the era my grandparents did where my grandfather being a butcher was enough to pay for his family of four to live in a house in a nice neighborhood. But that got shattered even by the next generation. My mother in law for example had four children, but to have only one job in the late '70s and '80s wasn't a sustainable household income the way it was in the '50s and '60s. I don't think she ever had less than three income sources that I recall, and I know that she had more when her kids were at home. Being poor doesn't equal being lazy. We'd all do well to remember that. Someone else finally getting raised up $5 an hour (although not enough really to keep pace with inflation) does not mean that everyone's wages should also go up. It means we should all take a step back and ask how did this all happen? What are we going to do about it?

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Most of us don't, Shark.

Well, I know we'll make adjustments. We'll do better about shutting off lights and managing our water use more wisely even though we are already highly cognizant of this. We'll look at making more meals that last over multiple nights even though I already take this into account when I make the monthly menu. We'll reduce little things like cutting our Hulu account and our New York Times subscription for now despite the fact that those only account for about $15 bucks. Those are such tiny and inconsequential changes though. It's a pittance in the bigger picture. So, we'll keep paying attention to policies that not only impact us, but impact those less fortunate than us. We will vote with that in mind.

@pusheen

And don't vote for any of that free market bullshit.

Free market only helps those who didn't have to worry about money in the first place.

It's the policy for the have's. Screw the have not's.

In my studies for my teaching degree, it was made clear to me that equality doesn't mean everyone getting the same thing. It's everyone getting what they need to be successful. Therefore the person who posted about not getting a $5 raise isn't being jilted in anyway. Other people are getting what they need; something she already has by her own admission. Giving others who earn minimum wage a raise, does not mean others will lose out or be worse off. In fact, it's just the opposite. Raising up others only makes things better for all.

pixabay.com

Keep your head up, Moose. 

We're working to keep the water level where everyone can survive.

Insurance: Or Screw You Subscriber Knave

I've decided that I loathe insurance companies. I think they serve a purpose and I am lucky to have insurance through my workplace so that all our autoimmune and other crap aren't as outrageous as they could be. I still loathe insurance companies.

Max Pixel

That's right, Goat. That's right.

You see, this year, our insurance company was apparently audited. I didn't realize this was a thing. But they got audited, so we all had to prove that our dependents are really our spouses and children. It was insane. You'd think that a history of 17 years would be enough to satisfy their inquiry, but no. We had to prove our marriage with a marriage license, a signed letter, and a copy of our mortgage bill since it has both our names on it with the same address. My sister's family had to do this for their three children, too. Birth certificates and whatnot. Absurd.

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Even Nick Cage gets it.

Then after getting that squared, I called in my triptan script and it wasn't there when my husband picked up the meds. He even asked and they said there wasn't anything for me. So he tried again Friday just to be sure. Apparently the insurance company not only thought it wasn't time yet (it totally was), they decided that I can only have 6 triptans a month now instead of 9! WTF? Seriously? It was already hard enough some months to ration them out so as not to go beyond 9, but 6? That's even worse. I really wonder where they get off second guessing doctors. They did this with my husband's sleep study, too. The doctor said he needed one test and the insurance said that it was not needed, so he had to go through a second sleep study because they wouldn't go along  with what the doctor already knew the first time. Prove you need it and let us inconvenience you at the same time. They would've saved themselves time and money by just doing what the doctor said, but nope. They knew better. They also won't pay for his machine. They'll pay 75%, but not all for something that could prevent a host of other health troubles, but nope. They want to cling to that money and wait until something really goes wrong. It is ludicrous.

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Victim of something. 

It's like insurance companies take you hostage 

even though they're supposed to be working for you. Makes no sense.

They wouldn't cover my sleep study either. I was getting checked to see if the oxygen level was dropping too far in the night to cause an increase in my headaches. Treating with oxygen would have been easy and cheaper than the Botox, but nope. Insurance didn't want to find out since I didn't have a history of breathing trouble. Idiots!

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And don't give it back no matter what my doctor says!

Now this. It seems like they keep tightening their purse-strings. The purse that I help line with my money every month. Now I have to contact my neurologist and see if she can intercede and get them to understand the stupidity of restricting an already tight restriction unnecessarily. I have insurance. I am thankful for that. However, they are assholes.

Joint Base Elmendord-Richardson

Yes, Master Insurance. I will obey your ruling, oh wise and generous insurance company.

Mind Vomit

Blah. That's how I feel right now.
Blah.
Not even blah blah blah
Just blah. Plain ol', run of the mill blah.
I'm starting therapy this week. I'm hoping this therapist and I hit it off. I've never done this before, so I want it to be a positive thing. Trying to take care of myself both physically and mentally right now. I've thought about therapy off and on over the years. I know this person will ask what I want out of this relationship.
I want freedom to say what I want without judgment. I want some perspective from someone who isn't family or part of my circle of friend or someone who thinks they know me, but they really don't. I need to talk about people in my life with someone who won't look down on me because they know the other person and will betray my confidence or think less of me for my feelings. I want my feelings to be heard and not written off. I need something more than cats and blogs at this point.
Of course, I feel guilty because I'm spending more money.
I have no idea how this happens, but we never have enough money at the end of the month.My husband doesn't get paid a lot and he is only casual part-time, which works well for his rheumatoid arthritis. I am a teacher. You'd think we'd be financially secure. But we're not. On top of that, we were trying to save money for a trip to Japan. But WTH was I thinking? That's ridiculous. This summer when I realized that tickets were actually about half of what they were the first time I checked, I thought WTF not? Carpe diem, muthafucker!  While tickets are significantly less than I thought they'd be even in the summer time, it's stupid to even consider spending money on something like that.
We've got bills. We've got medical issues. We've got no savings. We've got car a payment. We've got a house and yard that need repairs. WTH are we even entertaining an overseas trip?
I've thought about getting a second job again. A side gig like I used to have, but my migraines have been so awful, that I don't think a second job is a good addition to my load. I've thought about taking on a homebound student (a kiddo who's too sick to come to school full-time). But again, I fear making a commitment with my health and also, I would be doing it to make the Japan trip happen. A trip I'm not interested in. A trip my husband wants and has wanted for years. I fear I'd resent the fuck out of him if I took on a second job to make this happen. Especially if my migraines or other health problems blossom into the crap that they do.
Oh! And I've been dealing with a migraine all weekend.
This is not my happy place. I can't even muster up the wherewithal to find pictures or GIFS for snarky comments. I think I'll just get some more water and lie down.
This blog is a bit random and it feels a bit incoherent. It is mind vomit. This likely is how my therapy session will go. Just a big bowl of mind vomit.