Mind Vomit

Blah. That's how I feel right now.
Blah.
Not even blah blah blah
Just blah. Plain ol', run of the mill blah.
I'm starting therapy this week. I'm hoping this therapist and I hit it off. I've never done this before, so I want it to be a positive thing. Trying to take care of myself both physically and mentally right now. I've thought about therapy off and on over the years. I know this person will ask what I want out of this relationship.
I want freedom to say what I want without judgment. I want some perspective from someone who isn't family or part of my circle of friend or someone who thinks they know me, but they really don't. I need to talk about people in my life with someone who won't look down on me because they know the other person and will betray my confidence or think less of me for my feelings. I want my feelings to be heard and not written off. I need something more than cats and blogs at this point.
Of course, I feel guilty because I'm spending more money.
I have no idea how this happens, but we never have enough money at the end of the month.My husband doesn't get paid a lot and he is only casual part-time, which works well for his rheumatoid arthritis. I am a teacher. You'd think we'd be financially secure. But we're not. On top of that, we were trying to save money for a trip to Japan. But WTH was I thinking? That's ridiculous. This summer when I realized that tickets were actually about half of what they were the first time I checked, I thought WTF not? Carpe diem, muthafucker!  While tickets are significantly less than I thought they'd be even in the summer time, it's stupid to even consider spending money on something like that.
We've got bills. We've got medical issues. We've got no savings. We've got car a payment. We've got a house and yard that need repairs. WTH are we even entertaining an overseas trip?
I've thought about getting a second job again. A side gig like I used to have, but my migraines have been so awful, that I don't think a second job is a good addition to my load. I've thought about taking on a homebound student (a kiddo who's too sick to come to school full-time). But again, I fear making a commitment with my health and also, I would be doing it to make the Japan trip happen. A trip I'm not interested in. A trip my husband wants and has wanted for years. I fear I'd resent the fuck out of him if I took on a second job to make this happen. Especially if my migraines or other health problems blossom into the crap that they do.
Oh! And I've been dealing with a migraine all weekend.
This is not my happy place. I can't even muster up the wherewithal to find pictures or GIFS for snarky comments. I think I'll just get some more water and lie down.
This blog is a bit random and it feels a bit incoherent. It is mind vomit. This likely is how my therapy session will go. Just a big bowl of mind vomit.