I Am Worth Defending

I am worth defending.
Go on. Say it out loud. Does it feel weird? Strange? Awkward?
Say it again. Louder.
And again.
Easier yet?
The first time I said it was last Saturday. It was how we closed a three hour self-defense class. I finally signed up for and took that self-defense class I've been trying to do for the last two years. Yeah me!
I was not expecting most of the three hours to be conversation. There was a fair amount of practicing different strategies to get out of uncomfortable situations like: Name it. Say it. Repeat it. Leave it. Essentially, if someone is standing to closely to you for example, you say, "You're standing really close to me. Step back." If they don't, you repeat the "step back". If they still don't,  then you say, "Since you didn't step back when I told you to, I'm going to..."
This made me think of that asshole in Seattle who didn't think he needed to move his jacket from where my friend was sitting. I don't know if you read that particular blog, but the guy was a total asshole who didn't think he needed to respect what a woman said to him. He even stared me down over it. Total asshole. This strategy would have some in handy. So would have telling him that: "Wow. I didn't realize you were an asshole. Ok, different tactic then".
He was such an asshole.
Anyway, we also did some punching into the bag. Practicing the heel of the hand, foot stomp, knee to groin, and backward elbow among others. That felt good, too. If I'd had the presence of mind to do the elbow blow to that asshole who assaulted me when I was belly dancing at the restaurant that one time, it would have been most excellent. He'd totally have deserved it.
At the end of the session though, we did the clap-clap-stomp (think "We Will Rock You") and after the stomp, we'd take turns saying, "I am worth defending." I honestly hadn't ever thought that let alone said it out loud. But I did with a bit more confidence than I probably would have at the start of the class.
As a final comment, the leader told us that it's not unusual after a self-defense class to have visceral, strong emotional reactions like intense crying, anger, or excitement. I figured that I might have some reaction, but since I hadn't actually been raped or abused by a family member etc. like some of the women she'd worked with, that I wouldn't have too much of an issue.
I was wrong.
I didn't make it out of the parking lot.
I was pondering the worth defending statement and said it again when I got in the car. Then the deluge commenced. I sobbed. Once the tears mostly subsided and I could drive, I started for home and proceeded to cry as I drove. I kept trying to hold it in and breathed very deeply in an effort not to lose it. When I got home, I sat down on the kitchen floor and bawled. My cats came to check on me. Little balls of comforting purrs they are.
Once the crying jag was over, I figured I had gotten it out of the way and was fine for the rest of the day.
I was wrong.
I couldn't sleep. I got totally jacked up excited and couldn't stop moving or thinking. Or drinking for that matter. Bear in mind this was the Saturday before Easter when the whole fam gathers for one of those celebratory meals. I was dancing and drinking seltzers and essentially cutting loose. I'm usually in bed by 11pm at the latest on the weekends.
Anyway, it was full moon weekend too, so of course I decided to go outside and light a candle and some incense and sit staring at the moon while repeating "I am worth defending" over and over and over. At 2am I did this. It felt like a good time for a full moon basking ritual. Easter is all about coming back to life right? It kind felt like that. Like some sort of coming back to life with a new understanding of myself.
I think I finally crashed somewhere around 3-330a. Then I woke at 530a and dozed off and on until I knew I just had to get up and get the Easter things done for the gathering since making pies was not going to happen after that workshop.
I didn't anticipate any of this when I decided to go to the YWCA for a class. But it happened. I'm glad it did. I have a new mantra that I repeat to myself when I am feeling doubt or insecurity: I am worth defending.
So are you.

That Conversation

I hate Asians.
This comment was recently stated in my presence. What the actual fuck, right? Who says this? Apparently a young man I have known for three and a half years does.
The comment completely caught me off-guard. I've never been confronted by such blatant racism before. It took everything in my power not to lose my shit on this person. Instead, I asked:
Why do you feel that way?
They scare me.
Why?
They're smarter than me.
I didn't say this next part. It occurred only in my head as I struggled to figure out the next step in our conversation.
Holy shit. You're kidding me right? Because you're insecure about your intelligence you are going to say something so outrageously racist? Asia is the largest continent. Not only is it the largest, it is the most densely populated continent, too. What the actual fuck? What do I say to this so that I am both an ally and a model for civil discourse when I really just want to scream, "Get out of my sight you racist motherfucker!"
This would have been the least appropriate response given the circumstances.
So I said:
Being afraid is ok. We're all afraid of something and they can be irrational at times. When we find ourselves feeling afraid, we have to ask ourselves why we feel that way. For example, if you came across Asians doing something you saw as intelligent in nature, you have to go through some cognitive behavior therapy. You have to ask yourself: Are they doing anything to frighten me? Are they doing anything to threaten me? If they are doing neither of those things, there is no reason to be afraid. The more you do this, the easier it will become to release that fear and hate.
He persisted and felt the need to be clear that he's all right with Asians. He can sit next to them and hang out with them. But they freak him out. He's got friends who are Asian. He can be around them, but they scare him.
Gah! He was using his friend as a prop to justify his racism. How can you be friends with someone when you hate their whole race? I really wanted to slap some sense into this person, but instead I said:
Do you realize that your fear is based on a stereotype? 
He stammered some other nonsense that made me want to slap my hand to my forehead and scream.
I don't know how many times I said the "fear is based on a stereotype" bit, but damn he kept at it with trying to explain himself. I was in shock as his explanations just kept digging him deeper into the racist hole he started for himself.
Do you realize that your comment and your view on Asians says more about you than it does about them?
I really have no idea what he spewed in response. It just became so much racist-laden bullshit that I couldn't process anymore of it.
It's been four days and I think I'm still in shock.I have no idea if he understands how racist that comment was. Is. The next time I see him, I have to somehow pretend that I don't see him differently. But I do. How can I not? He is an absolute and unapologetic racist. The fact that he felt emboldened enough to say such an appalling thing is just symptomatic of the state of this country right now. Hate groups feel at ease to walk and talk and throw their despicable vitriol around for anyone and everyone to see. Hate crimes are rising. Elected officials are being vilified because they are women of color.
It needs to stop. We need to do better. I hope we can.

Breaking Free

I was humming Friday night. It caught me off guard. I stopped for a minute and asked myself when the last time was that I was humming. I couldn't remember. But there I was getting dinner ready with my parents, and I was humming. I'd even had my first real migraine that morning since starting Ajovy, yet I was definitely humming contentedly.

It dawned on me: I feel good.

Seriously. For the first time in uncountable weeks. I. Felt. Good.

Holy crap!

I was smiling. I was laughing. I was talking and not feeling like it was all an act. I had to wonder if maybe it was just my postdrome or even another prodrome messing with me.

Until I woke up Saturday not feeling like total ass. I didn't drag myself out of bed. I didn't slog into the kitchen to make coffee. I actually felt like I didn't have to rely on the coffee to perk me up. I drank a cup of coffee because let's be honest: coffee is the nectar of the gods. Then I read through the headlines, did my squats, and did the dishes all before my husband got up. Well ok, I was finishing the dishes when he got up. Overall, I felt lighter somehow.

I looked outside to watch the beautiful coral sunrise, I played with the cats, and I was thinking about what I should do. I took a shower to contemplate this feeling of happy I had grown accustomed to living without.

Then I cried. I cried in the shower. Not the ugly cry of despair, but the crying of finally starting to feel like myself again. It'd been so long since I felt that optimism. It'd been so long since I wasn't sighing heavily. It'd been so long since I wanted to go out of the house and do things.

I wanted to go for a walk.

So we did. We walked around the neighborhood in the chilly Montana spring wind. We picked up garbage along the way to do our part to clean things up around here. I compared my walk to the walk from last weekend. Totally different.

I wasn't forcing myself to go for one. I wanted to go. I wanted to hear the birds. I wanted to see the spring emerging all around me. I wanted to spend time with my husband talking and just enjoying the unrestricted time together. It felt great. I was truly enjoying myself.

I even discovered that I wanted to have sex. That startled me. I haven't really been much interested in that at all. It's been a rather meh kind of thought in my world if it even became a thought in my head at all. But not yesterday. Yesterday I wanted to have sex with my husband.

So we did.

On Monday, I made a change. I had talked to my doctors. I had talked to a friend of mine who is a professional in functional medicine and nutrition and wellness. I knew I needed to do something about my depression, but I didn't want another prescription. I hate antidepressants. I have tried three and they have all been less than stellar. I really wanted something that would not deplete my libido even more. I wanted that back. Like, a lot.

Anyway, I had some St. John's Wort despite the fact that my rheumatologist and friend thought it wasn't the best option. My rheumatologist wanted me try another low dose antidepressant. Ick. I needed to do something because I didn't know when the 5 HTP was going to arrive. The possibility of increased headaches or light sensitivity didn't discourage me. I already take precautions in the sun and I know what to be cognizant of in that regard. As for headaches, those supposedly dissipate after 7-10 days of starting the supplement. The Ajovy had also been doing an outstanding job of managing those. I did consult with all my health professionals and decided to give SJW a go.

And I am so glad I did. My head is clearer. My libido is back. I don't feel so blech about everything. I even wanted to go to the grocery store. I laughed. I felt playful. I felt uplifted. I didn't expect such a dramatic change after just one week. Yet, here I am in a whole different head-space than last Sunday.

I hope the slight headaches diminish. I hope I don't get even more photosensitive. I hope the herb doesn't decrease the effectiveness of my blood pressure med, which I take for something other than blood pressure mind you. If any of these things go awry, I do have another option waiting. Now that I remember what it feels like not to have this dark cloud consuming me, I don't want to go back.

I broke free and I like it.