Breaking Free

I was humming Friday night. It caught me off guard. I stopped for a minute and asked myself when the last time was that I was humming. I couldn't remember. But there I was getting dinner ready with my parents, and I was humming. I'd even had my first real migraine that morning since starting Ajovy, yet I was definitely humming contentedly.

It dawned on me: I feel good.

Seriously. For the first time in uncountable weeks. I. Felt. Good.

Holy crap!

I was smiling. I was laughing. I was talking and not feeling like it was all an act. I had to wonder if maybe it was just my postdrome or even another prodrome messing with me.

Until I woke up Saturday not feeling like total ass. I didn't drag myself out of bed. I didn't slog into the kitchen to make coffee. I actually felt like I didn't have to rely on the coffee to perk me up. I drank a cup of coffee because let's be honest: coffee is the nectar of the gods. Then I read through the headlines, did my squats, and did the dishes all before my husband got up. Well ok, I was finishing the dishes when he got up. Overall, I felt lighter somehow.

I looked outside to watch the beautiful coral sunrise, I played with the cats, and I was thinking about what I should do. I took a shower to contemplate this feeling of happy I had grown accustomed to living without.

Then I cried. I cried in the shower. Not the ugly cry of despair, but the crying of finally starting to feel like myself again. It'd been so long since I felt that optimism. It'd been so long since I wasn't sighing heavily. It'd been so long since I wanted to go out of the house and do things.

I wanted to go for a walk.

So we did. We walked around the neighborhood in the chilly Montana spring wind. We picked up garbage along the way to do our part to clean things up around here. I compared my walk to the walk from last weekend. Totally different.

I wasn't forcing myself to go for one. I wanted to go. I wanted to hear the birds. I wanted to see the spring emerging all around me. I wanted to spend time with my husband talking and just enjoying the unrestricted time together. It felt great. I was truly enjoying myself.

I even discovered that I wanted to have sex. That startled me. I haven't really been much interested in that at all. It's been a rather meh kind of thought in my world if it even became a thought in my head at all. But not yesterday. Yesterday I wanted to have sex with my husband.

So we did.

On Monday, I made a change. I had talked to my doctors. I had talked to a friend of mine who is a professional in functional medicine and nutrition and wellness. I knew I needed to do something about my depression, but I didn't want another prescription. I hate antidepressants. I have tried three and they have all been less than stellar. I really wanted something that would not deplete my libido even more. I wanted that back. Like, a lot.

Anyway, I had some St. John's Wort despite the fact that my rheumatologist and friend thought it wasn't the best option. My rheumatologist wanted me try another low dose antidepressant. Ick. I needed to do something because I didn't know when the 5 HTP was going to arrive. The possibility of increased headaches or light sensitivity didn't discourage me. I already take precautions in the sun and I know what to be cognizant of in that regard. As for headaches, those supposedly dissipate after 7-10 days of starting the supplement. The Ajovy had also been doing an outstanding job of managing those. I did consult with all my health professionals and decided to give SJW a go.

And I am so glad I did. My head is clearer. My libido is back. I don't feel so blech about everything. I even wanted to go to the grocery store. I laughed. I felt playful. I felt uplifted. I didn't expect such a dramatic change after just one week. Yet, here I am in a whole different head-space than last Sunday.

I hope the slight headaches diminish. I hope I don't get even more photosensitive. I hope the herb doesn't decrease the effectiveness of my blood pressure med, which I take for something other than blood pressure mind you. If any of these things go awry, I do have another option waiting. Now that I remember what it feels like not to have this dark cloud consuming me, I don't want to go back.

I broke free and I like it.