I Am Worth Defending

I am worth defending.
Go on. Say it out loud. Does it feel weird? Strange? Awkward?
Say it again. Louder.
And again.
Easier yet?
The first time I said it was last Saturday. It was how we closed a three hour self-defense class. I finally signed up for and took that self-defense class I've been trying to do for the last two years. Yeah me!
I was not expecting most of the three hours to be conversation. There was a fair amount of practicing different strategies to get out of uncomfortable situations like: Name it. Say it. Repeat it. Leave it. Essentially, if someone is standing to closely to you for example, you say, "You're standing really close to me. Step back." If they don't, you repeat the "step back". If they still don't,  then you say, "Since you didn't step back when I told you to, I'm going to..."
This made me think of that asshole in Seattle who didn't think he needed to move his jacket from where my friend was sitting. I don't know if you read that particular blog, but the guy was a total asshole who didn't think he needed to respect what a woman said to him. He even stared me down over it. Total asshole. This strategy would have some in handy. So would have telling him that: "Wow. I didn't realize you were an asshole. Ok, different tactic then".
He was such an asshole.
Anyway, we also did some punching into the bag. Practicing the heel of the hand, foot stomp, knee to groin, and backward elbow among others. That felt good, too. If I'd had the presence of mind to do the elbow blow to that asshole who assaulted me when I was belly dancing at the restaurant that one time, it would have been most excellent. He'd totally have deserved it.
At the end of the session though, we did the clap-clap-stomp (think "We Will Rock You") and after the stomp, we'd take turns saying, "I am worth defending." I honestly hadn't ever thought that let alone said it out loud. But I did with a bit more confidence than I probably would have at the start of the class.
As a final comment, the leader told us that it's not unusual after a self-defense class to have visceral, strong emotional reactions like intense crying, anger, or excitement. I figured that I might have some reaction, but since I hadn't actually been raped or abused by a family member etc. like some of the women she'd worked with, that I wouldn't have too much of an issue.
I was wrong.
I didn't make it out of the parking lot.
I was pondering the worth defending statement and said it again when I got in the car. Then the deluge commenced. I sobbed. Once the tears mostly subsided and I could drive, I started for home and proceeded to cry as I drove. I kept trying to hold it in and breathed very deeply in an effort not to lose it. When I got home, I sat down on the kitchen floor and bawled. My cats came to check on me. Little balls of comforting purrs they are.
Once the crying jag was over, I figured I had gotten it out of the way and was fine for the rest of the day.
I was wrong.
I couldn't sleep. I got totally jacked up excited and couldn't stop moving or thinking. Or drinking for that matter. Bear in mind this was the Saturday before Easter when the whole fam gathers for one of those celebratory meals. I was dancing and drinking seltzers and essentially cutting loose. I'm usually in bed by 11pm at the latest on the weekends.
Anyway, it was full moon weekend too, so of course I decided to go outside and light a candle and some incense and sit staring at the moon while repeating "I am worth defending" over and over and over. At 2am I did this. It felt like a good time for a full moon basking ritual. Easter is all about coming back to life right? It kind felt like that. Like some sort of coming back to life with a new understanding of myself.
I think I finally crashed somewhere around 3-330a. Then I woke at 530a and dozed off and on until I knew I just had to get up and get the Easter things done for the gathering since making pies was not going to happen after that workshop.
I didn't anticipate any of this when I decided to go to the YWCA for a class. But it happened. I'm glad it did. I have a new mantra that I repeat to myself when I am feeling doubt or insecurity: I am worth defending.
So are you.