Gingersnaps

My aunt passed away during the night. We weren't blood-related, but we had a few things in common. Like lupus and migraines for example. I wasn't aware she had lupus until after I was diagnosed. I never remember seeing signs of it anyway, but as a kid I likely wasn't all that inclined to be on the look out for such. Despite having these two things in common, one big thing we did not share: how we managed them.

She was a two pack a day smoker when I was younger. I know she had slowed her smoking as she got older and her kids tried to get her to quit a lot over the years, but even with the oxygen tank, she still made way for a cigarette now and then. I never smoked nearly as much as she did, but I did smoke until about 12 years ago. Then I stopped. I am glad I did for a number of reasons. It's just plain good for your overall health not to smoke, but it's one of those things that always comes up on the thing to avoid lists when you have a chronic illness. She never stopped though.

I never recall seeing her cover up much in the sun either. I know she'd put on sunscreen and big sunglasses, but she liked the sun as far as I can remember. If I saw her in the shade with others, it was because of the heat more than the sunlight, or so I thought. Maybe I just don't have accurate memories, but I don't remember her ever going out of her way to cover up with long-sleeves or big hats. I don't remember ever seeing her with lesions or rashes either. Of course, I may just not have been around for those flares. Maybe she was just really good with make-up.

She didn't seem too inclined to change her diet either. She ate your average diet honestly. It didn't seem to faze her at all come meal time. Wine, bread, potatoes, sugary things, salty things, or coffee. Always coffee with cream and sugar. If she avoided alfalfa or nightshades or chocolate, I don't recall. There were tomatoes and peppers on trays and salads at family get togethers, so  maybe she just didn't like eggplant or alfalfa. I get that. I'm not a huge fan of those either. When I learned those can trigger flares, I was not all that put-out about it. I wouldn't likely eat them anyway. 

It needs to be said that she was diagnosed when very little was known about lupus. There weren't a lot of treatment options and when it came to migraines, well. It was a lot of female hysteria. There wasn't an internet either, so no Dr. Google or PubMed to help her navigate her diagnosis. Perhaps these accounted for the differences in what I recall witnessing and what I now understand about our shared conditions. Who knows? She wasn't exactly forthcoming when it came to her health.

What I do know is she lived to be in her 80's. She may have had an oxygen tank the last several years, but she lived her life the way she wanted and best knew how I'd wager. She raised four kids and I have lost track of how many grand kids. She kept a garden and a home. She lived. If she lived this life that made her happy and satisfied, why do anything different? Was she happy and satisfied?

My neurologist told me this week that my vertigo, lack of coordination, and perception weirdness are all part of my migraine. He said that it's not unusual to find a treatment that helps manage the pain, but not the other symptoms. When the pain is absent, then all those other symptoms are more noticeable. And there's not anything to be done. It's disheartening. I've spent so much time trying to control or manage or mitigate the stupidity of this body and it's led to this point. Not anything to be done and a shoulder shrug. That's what I get. That's likely what my aunt got, too.

What now? I don't really know. I'm not sure what my quality of life is going to look like from here on. I can keep doing the things I've been doing. Maybe they're doing some good. It doesn't really feel like it right now though. These neurological symptoms are scary. I don't know when they'll hit. I don't know how long they'll last. I don't know how intense they'll be when they do hit. I do know they'll strike at some point during my day, every day. That I can count on.

I haven't heard when my aunt's funeral will be. Some time this week I imagine. I made her gingersnap recipe today. I'm taking them to share with some friends this afternoon. It seems appropriate to remember her that way today. They're damn fine gingersnaps after all.