Existing

When I was younger, I loved Peanuts. Not the snack, the cartoon. Charlie Brown had a beagle and so did I. Snoopy made me laugh. There were posters with Snoopy about "Happiness is a warm puppy". Even now, if you Google Snoopy and the word happiness, you get a bunch of variations on that idea.

Sometimes I don't think I know how to be happy. I laugh sometimes. I enjoy moments. But I don't really recall what it feels like to be happy.

Right now, I just feel like crawling in bed and staying there. I don't want to be touched. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone.

I kinda want a good cry. But I don't think the tears will come. Just more heavy sighs.

I came close to happy last night. "Brown-eyed Girl" by Van Morrison was on the radio. I love that song. It's uplifting in a way. I had a living room dance party while it played. Dancing makes me feel good. Not belly dancing right now, but just care free like I don't give a damn kind of dancing. Just me and the song without concern or worry. That freedom I think makes me happy.

But the song is over. It's another day. I feel gross really. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel energetic. I feel sad. I feel like shutting out everything and just snuggling up to one of our cats. I don't think happiness is a purring cat, but it certainly makes me less unhappy. I find it soothing at any rate.

Tomorrow is another month. Another month to try again. Another month to find something to bring myself back. Another month to maybe try new methods; new supplements; new activities; new attempts at old successes.

My new injections of Ajovy are working. My migraines are under control. I have broken through that barrier. Why do I still feel the oppression on my shoulders? Why is my back hunched over? Why can I name it for what it is, yet still feel its weight pulling me closer to earth rather than lightening me toward the air?

I should get dressed and go for a walk. Let the breeze brush my face. Smell the earthiness of spring. Hear the sparrows, jays, and robins. See the flowers starting to burst through. It's a lot of work though. Getting dressed. Going out the door. Walking aimlessly through the neighborhood. So much easier just to stay here in my robe and cuddle a cat.

After all, the new month starts tomorrow. Not today.