And the Award For Most Heretical Activity This Weekend Goes To...

My goddaughter received the trifecta of sacraments recently.  In our diocese second graders are now the recipients of reconciliation, communion and confirmation all at once.  When I went through them it was a progression—second grade=communion, fourth grade=reconciliation, and junior year was confirmation.  My misgivings and disagreement with the change of confirming second graders who probably don’t really appreciate all that confirmation means aside, this was my niece’s big day.  She had on a gorgeous little white satin dress with pearl accents, white tights, and low heel sandals along with a flower in her hair unlike the other girls who almost all opted to wear veils.  I, as her godmother, attended my first Catholic-non funeral mass in ages.

Attending mass with the family always brings up pesky questions like, “Will I be struck by lightning when I walk in” or “How big of a deal will this be to my mother” or “Do I receive communion?”  All of these run through my head whenever I consider attending mass.  My mom did make the joke about how the building didn’t get burnt down when my husband and I walked in.  Now, I choose to believe that this was a lighthearted ribbing.  I could be overly sensitive and react to it indignantly, but what’s the point?  Far better to look at it as a simple joke.  So I do.  Then there was communion—to receive or not to receive.  Such a quandary.  At the Methodist church I attended some years ago, the minister always made a statement that all present were welcome at God’s table meaning that even if you haven’t received the Catholic required sacrament of first communion or even if you were from a different church or faith, you should still feel welcome to partake.  No such statement at this mass even though the Catholic viewpoint is that any Christian is welcome.  I was listening for the invite too, but it never came.

 Interesting point if you don’t know, but Catholics actually believe in the mystery that the bread and wine is transformed into the body and blood of Christ.  I know plenty who don’t really believe that, but that is also the official stance of the sacrament and is one of the qualifying rules for receiving communion.   You must believe it or you shouldn’t receive communion.   Rather grody if you consider it.  Church sanctioned cannibalism?  Ew!  No thank you!  For those of us less inclined toward literal interpretation, it’s a symbolic ritual. I found an article that provides a succinct explanation of the rules regarding communion.  Despite the fact that I satisfied almost none of those rules, I went to receive the body of Christ anyway.  Maybe it was stubbornness, but there's definitely more to it than flipping the bird at the ways of the Catholic Church.  I didn't do it as an affront at all.  I'll get into more of the actual reason in a minute.  Until then, enjoy a little trip down memory lane with me.

Growing up, my dad would always stand off to the side of the pew and allow my mom, my sister and I to go up the aisle first; it was a rather gentlemanly gesture on his part.  During this service though, he waited for mom, but not for me to join the line and walk up to the altar.  I didn’t really think much on it until later.  Was this some sort of slight?  Was my father willfully excluding me by closing the gap and not waiting for me?  Maybe, but again I tend to think better of him than that.  I want to believe that it was just due to his not having been to service with me in a while and he’s out of practice.  It honestly didn’t strike me as anything otherwise until much later in the day when I was reflecting on the day; then I had to wonder.  Either way though, it really doesn’t matter why he did it because he is free to express his opinion one way or the other.  I would rather believe well about him though and therefore I won’t read anything into it more than what it was.  I can’t imagine him intentionally doing something like that to hurt me.  So, I received communion much to my husband’s surprise. 

Now, if you read that article up above, receiving communion in the Catholic Church means a lot. It means you are to meet those criteria and if you don’t, you offend God by receiving communion.  Hmm…the rafters didn’t shake or come crashing down.  The priest didn’t ask me if I had sinned lately and I didn’t have to present an ID for communion.  Did I offend God?  According to church teaching yes I did.  My bad.  However, I liken communion to the portion of a circle called cakes and ale.  Giving thanks for the bounty and ingesting food and drink to ground us and to balance us is not unlike taking in the body and blood except there’s no ritual cannibalism by (*gasp)magic nor is there purity control prior to ingestion beyond preparation of self.  If I was to participate in a circle with non-Wiccans present, I would invite them to partake of my simple feast.  I would gladly welcome them in the celebration.  I guess that is something I wanted my goddaughter to see.  Even though her aunt doesn’t attend church, she can still eat at God’s table.  I don’t want her growing up thinking that God doesn’t welcome all of his children to be present with Him.    I don’t think Christ would’ve turned someone like me away.  One of the things the priest made clear when I went through confirmation classes was that it’s not for me to judge anyone else’s commitment or worthiness—that was up to God to handle.  So if my mom meant more by her dig or if my dad really did intend to exclude me, that’s their right, but it’s also their problem to resolve with God.  As for me, I’ve examined my conscience and I’ve reasoned it through and I cannot say for certain—neither can anyone else—what is in God’s mind.  I know that when I heard God or Lord etc during mass, I would mentally add Goddess or Lady as well.  I know that after studying and considering all the angles and information set before me that the image of God I want my goddaughter to know is one of love and acceptance of all.  Most importantly, I do not want her to turn up her nose in judgment to anyone of another faith or belief all the while insisting that she and the other Catholics had cornered the market on rightness.  Knowing why you agree or disagree with a religion’s teachings is vital in my opinion.  While I am sure she has no idea yet why  this would even be an issue for me or my parents or anyone else, at least she will have the memory that I was there for her big day and I did participate in all aspects of the service without a holy bolt of smite striking me down.  One day she may be ready for the conversation, but not yet.

Strictly speaking, I am a rampant heretic.  I have offended God gravely.  I should rush to confession.  Yet, here I sit ruminating, writing, editing and feeling quite at peace with things as they are.   Honestly, how and why do those self-described Catholic-Pagans do this?  When I read that article up above, it reminded me of all the rules regarding communion and what it means to be Catholic.  It reminded me of all I had learned growing up by passing through the sacraments.  Now after 20 or so years of meditations on the topic I believe that religions can provide beauty and wonder and morals.  I believe that the mythology of religions can be highly instructive tools for young people to learn how to listen to and follow their conscience.  They can also be very destructive tools to promote misogyny and abuse and bigotry.  I do not believe that the Catholic Church is home for me.  I’ll just pack up my heretical tools and keep moving through this existence as best I can with as much love as I can for all people, even those who disagree or judge me.  I have no need to be right in this argument.  That’s not important to me.  What is important to me is knowing who I am and why I make the choices I make regardless of any mythology.  That way, if my goddaughter is ever ready for that conversation, I can engage her with the benefit of my experience and deeply reasoned beliefs.