Lessons Learned

Soon we will welcome a new year. Little less than 12 hours in fact. As is the case with many, I too have spent a portion of this day ruminating on the past year and wondering what to do in the future to make life better. I have read a wonderful novel about what the meaning of this season is for various groups, but all experiences in the work touch upon the human themes of forgiveness, love, being and doing good, and family. All of these are common ponderings for humanity especially this time of year, and I am no different in considering them. I also have a blog to contemplate in my reflection though.

I began this blog as a New Year's resolution some time back, so it seems only fitting to reflect on what the blog has taught me in the past  year.

1. Being happy is really hard sometimes. I wanted so desperately to be happy at this time last year, that I decided to examine what in my life makes me happy and to then write about it. However, being happy in the face of large change and events beyond your control is most definitely difficult. Alas! I have not found any easy answers there. I can only conclude that happiness is fluid and ebbs and flows as the sea.
2. Little things amuse me and come in handy when my happiness seems to be receding. Donning funky socks, cruising around town on my bike, dancing in my living room, wearing unusual clothing, or engaging in online pun wars all contribute to my being able to pull myself out of whatever muck seems to be overwhelming me. Remembering that I possess this little arsenal of amusement is essential.
3. I simply cannot control what others do and to hold someone else responsible for robbing me of my happiness lacks conviction on my part. My happiness is mine to create and cannot be taken from me. All I can really do is adapt. Evolve or die as the case may be.
4. People who work more than 60+ hours a week cannot possibly be happy. I think at my height, I was working nearly 70 hours a week. I wanted to remain open to possibilities and new experiences that included a plan to remove me from my current work situation. Consequently, I said yes to several opportunities for earning money to put toward decreasing our debt including my student loans. My loans are minimal compared to some mind you, but they are still a barrier to our financial freedom. However, I cannot be happy working at the pace I have kept for the last 9 months. If these last few months are any proof, money cannot buy happiness. For my own health and well-being, I must say no and not be so focused on earning money to apply to the finances. As a result, I have designed a schedule for the new year that keeps me from accepting more hours than I can handle.
5. I enjoy writing. When the pressures of my many work schedules kept me from even wanting to look at print text, it was actually devastating. I didn't want to read for pleasure, and I didn't want to write my blog. I was too exhausted. While I was really enjoying researching and writing articles about everything from Verdi to jock itch, I also sacrificed my own writing pursuits. My essay tutoring has made me a better writing instructor as well as writer. My writing awareness grew from both of those jobs, but the jobs also kept me from writing for my own joy and fulfillment.

The novel I alluded to earlier in this blog was The Wolves of Midwinter by Anne Rice. Compelling fiction and quite possibly one of my favorites by her. Another theme implied throughout the novel involves creativity and understanding of ourselves and those around us. The protagonist gains an intense amount of insight into humanity and himself, and the need to create beauty is something I believe to be essential to my happiness. After my master's program, I found deep satisfaction in my work. I felt alive and boundless with my jewelry, my dance, and my other artistic avenues. Because of some choices I have made this year, I have neglected my creativity, and I want it back.

This next year's blog will be a part of that. May you all have a safe, thrilling, enjoyable, loving, and creative New Year.

Apologizing to the Body

I was sitting at the local tiki bar with a few old classmates the other night listening to the area legend play standards on her piano and the topic of The Artist's Way came up. One of the challenges of this work is apparently giving yourself permission to express yourself creatively. This is also one of the basics of the master's degree program I went through a few years ago.
The anecdote of what to do if you do not read someone else's work for a week and include watching television, or for those like me: Netflix binging, came up. What do you do if you don't read or binge watch sci-fi series? Apparently people do other stuff in the evenings. One couple's solution was to put on music while they made dinner. Soon they found themselves dancing in the kitchen.
I can relate. My hubs and I do this a lot as well. Sometimes it might be Ronnie James Dio while another time if might be Queen. Currently, it is Niyaz. I love Niyaz. Never heard of them? Go ahead and Google it or Youtube it. I'll wait.

thebasketmakerswife.com

Confession: I have a total crush on her. What a voice...and she zills.

Anyway, us dancing, me dancing, him dancing, it doesn't really matter. We even dance with the cats. Not all of them are fans.

This one though makes a great partner if you can handle all 20+ pounds of Link-alicious feline.

I've been bellydancing a lot the last few days. It feels good. I discovered bellydance because it was my self assignment for my master's program. One of those "give yourself permission" assignments.

Best. Assignment. Ever.

Bellydance:connect.cc

^^Irony^^

I did not dance yesterday. I played several hours of Diablo 3. Serious gamer attention given over to the eradication of the Lords of Hell. My monk is even more awesome than she was before.

Her name is Tigerlilly. 

The one I've been leveling lately though, is Little Sister. As in Winchester. I make no apologies for being that kind of fangirl. Judge me if you must. 

Little Sister can take it. She kicks ass.

However, my body is more than a little perturbed today. I did the take breaks, do some stretches, get away from the screen and do some yoga to keep myself from being completely frozen in a seated typing position. Alas! Body is cranky with me anyway. 

Solution: dance. The excruciatingly slow version of figure 8's, undulations, and chest circles feels so good! To stretch my hips over to the side and slowly roll it down and back into neutral seductively stretches those muscles exquisitely. Layering those super slow moves with a free shimmy or shoulder shimmy feels amazing.

I never really got into the whole "give yourself permission" definition because I never viewed it as needing permission. However, if giving yourself permission means stop making excuses and just do it because you really want to, well then yes. I gave myself permission to dance tonight.

Again.

Bellydance is the bomb.

Ruby Beh: the only time I ever contemplate growing out my hair.

Moment of Clarity

Into the darkness, we must go;
to emerge in the light again.

No that's it. That's my moment of clarity for tonight.
I feel a breaking of the binds. I feel a loosening of the constriction.
I can't explain why,
but it feels like a shift in the wind.

Literally. It's windy as all hell here lately with the Chinooks and all. It's been whipping up a lovely brouhaha in my noggin. I know others of my friends have felt it, too.

Did you know that the moon is in Gemini? The Geminid meteor shower was at its peak this weekend.
The wind and subsequent clouds prevented my viewing.
*ahem

Anyway, I feel a gradual calm coming over me.
This time of year always brings a mixed bag. I love the evergreens in the house. I love the tree with multicolored lights. I love the music, but the introspection that comes with the darkness can be overwhelming.
I can feel the calm before the storm.
I can feel the light coming.
It is still there.

Two Weeks

Lately I have been overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of trying to balance everything back to where I was at peace, happy, and well. I've written extensively about some stresses at work and those have not alleviated. In fact they've been compounded. I try to make good choices for me. I try to live according to my beliefs. I try to do all the things that will make me at peace, happy, and well.

I totally fail at this lately.

To begin, my health has really been a bitch lately. Between the cold snap and Thanksgiving, my health related issues have been controlling the forward progress lately. I was better about eating habits this holiday, yet I still had bloating, painful digestion, and problems with muscle, joint, and head pain. Seriously? It got to a point over the holiday where I thought to myself, "Who really gives a flying fuck? You already hurt like hell, so go ahead and eat that sweet potato souffle. Go ahead and have some pie. You made it, so why not enjoy your labors? Go ahead and have that leftover turkey on some of your sister's homemade bread." Gah! Vicious cycle. It's been one week and I have been eating better, but I still hurt like hell. I hurt before the holiday. I hurt after the holiday. I do not think the holiday is to blame. Entirely that is.

Then there's the cold. Yup, Montana winter decided enough with the playing around, it was time to get serious. Below zero all week, frozen pipes, keep your socks on during sex kind of cold. My body always reacts a little pissily to weather changes, and it prefers a warm, moist heat to the frigid, dry cold, but the pain and inflammation is really vexing me lately. The eating changes I had made had kept the pain levels during weather changes manageable and allowed me to really indulge in higher levels of activity than I had for a while, but not so anymore. Even when I eat all the right foods according to the system I had been using, I still feel like a steamy pile of crap lately. 

sodahead.com

Mmmmm, tasty.

The cold does not help. It tires me out. It makes me ache. It makes me cranky. I want my heating pad.

I don't mean to whine. That is not the purpose of this blog. I am frustrated though. No denying that one.

The pain has also impacted my ability to keep up my multiple jobs. I took on more jobs as a way to have a job I could transition into once I paid off my student loans. I have been exploring other options for over a year now, and while I have indeed bitten off more than I can chew, I have also reduced my number of work hours in an effort to curtail the negative results. Yet, the pain persists. In fact, the frequency of headaches is increasing despite my usual interventions. The twitching in my left eye is still there. It's been 4 months of this incessant twitching and it shows no sign of stopping. The right eye gets in on it every once in a while too. You know what they do for eye twitching after this long with no sign of infection? Botox or surgery. Gah!

midliferockblog.com

Why the hell is this person getting Botox injections? Maybe her eye is twitching, too.

Trying to maintain a treatment plan that keeps me at peace, happy, and well has been excruciatingly difficult lately.

I still do my morning yoga. I still do my morning strength training. I still do my meditation in the morning. However, it would seem that perhaps the 10 minutes is not enough. I thought 10 min to get back into the swing would be good, but it goes very quickly, and just when I get into it, it's over. 

I've been back to the acupuncturist a few times, but I really need to go back on a regular basis for a while. I have not had a massage since October. I really need one.

luminate-millvalley.com

Honestly, I feel so good afterward. Being a pin cushion is really relaxing. Honest.

Anyway, I still eat a diet that is richer in meats, good fats, and veggies instead of processed, carbo heavy items. I work about 15 hours less per week than I was, but I still have spiked levels of pain daily and by 6pm, I am wiped out. 

I'm not looking for advice here. I am not looking for sympathy. I'm just looking for a way to manage this situation that allows me to do what I need and what I enjoy. I want to get things back in balance. I have two full weeks until I have unmitigated free time to chill the fuck out. I really need to get through these two weeks without losing it.

Sorry, Muse. You're on your own for a bit.

I don't appreciate feeling so awful that I can't go dance. My pain and my fatigue have interfered with that enjoyment.

I don't appreciate having to come home from work because my head hurts too much to get through the afternoon.

I don't appreciate being too tired to get all the things done that I need to get done in a day.

Autoimmune disorders can suck it.

That about sums it up!

Two weeks. I have two weeks until I can sleep without an alarm. Two weeks until I can look at a computer only when I want to update my status with a ridiculous pun or witty saying. Two weeks until my body can call the shots and talk with me about what it needs.

My body and I need to get back on speaking terms rather than suck it up and deal terms. 

Rest. I really just need to rest for a while.I need to step back from the frustration of work. I need to step away from the computer screen. I need to dance. I need to eat well. I need to manage what is in my control to manage and let go of what is not. 

Once again I have to figure out how to balance all of life with the stupid autoimmune crap...

in two weeks. Over the last 6 years or so I have found a way to manage things only to then have some aspect of my life get turned on its ear and then it's back to square one.

square one vodka

Oh. I get it now. I've been at the wrong square one every time.

I can make it two more weeks.