Two Weeks

Lately I have been overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of trying to balance everything back to where I was at peace, happy, and well. I've written extensively about some stresses at work and those have not alleviated. In fact they've been compounded. I try to make good choices for me. I try to live according to my beliefs. I try to do all the things that will make me at peace, happy, and well.

I totally fail at this lately.

To begin, my health has really been a bitch lately. Between the cold snap and Thanksgiving, my health related issues have been controlling the forward progress lately. I was better about eating habits this holiday, yet I still had bloating, painful digestion, and problems with muscle, joint, and head pain. Seriously? It got to a point over the holiday where I thought to myself, "Who really gives a flying fuck? You already hurt like hell, so go ahead and eat that sweet potato souffle. Go ahead and have some pie. You made it, so why not enjoy your labors? Go ahead and have that leftover turkey on some of your sister's homemade bread." Gah! Vicious cycle. It's been one week and I have been eating better, but I still hurt like hell. I hurt before the holiday. I hurt after the holiday. I do not think the holiday is to blame. Entirely that is.

Then there's the cold. Yup, Montana winter decided enough with the playing around, it was time to get serious. Below zero all week, frozen pipes, keep your socks on during sex kind of cold. My body always reacts a little pissily to weather changes, and it prefers a warm, moist heat to the frigid, dry cold, but the pain and inflammation is really vexing me lately. The eating changes I had made had kept the pain levels during weather changes manageable and allowed me to really indulge in higher levels of activity than I had for a while, but not so anymore. Even when I eat all the right foods according to the system I had been using, I still feel like a steamy pile of crap lately. 

sodahead.com

Mmmmm, tasty.

The cold does not help. It tires me out. It makes me ache. It makes me cranky. I want my heating pad.

I don't mean to whine. That is not the purpose of this blog. I am frustrated though. No denying that one.

The pain has also impacted my ability to keep up my multiple jobs. I took on more jobs as a way to have a job I could transition into once I paid off my student loans. I have been exploring other options for over a year now, and while I have indeed bitten off more than I can chew, I have also reduced my number of work hours in an effort to curtail the negative results. Yet, the pain persists. In fact, the frequency of headaches is increasing despite my usual interventions. The twitching in my left eye is still there. It's been 4 months of this incessant twitching and it shows no sign of stopping. The right eye gets in on it every once in a while too. You know what they do for eye twitching after this long with no sign of infection? Botox or surgery. Gah!

midliferockblog.com

Why the hell is this person getting Botox injections? Maybe her eye is twitching, too.

Trying to maintain a treatment plan that keeps me at peace, happy, and well has been excruciatingly difficult lately.

I still do my morning yoga. I still do my morning strength training. I still do my meditation in the morning. However, it would seem that perhaps the 10 minutes is not enough. I thought 10 min to get back into the swing would be good, but it goes very quickly, and just when I get into it, it's over. 

I've been back to the acupuncturist a few times, but I really need to go back on a regular basis for a while. I have not had a massage since October. I really need one.

luminate-millvalley.com

Honestly, I feel so good afterward. Being a pin cushion is really relaxing. Honest.

Anyway, I still eat a diet that is richer in meats, good fats, and veggies instead of processed, carbo heavy items. I work about 15 hours less per week than I was, but I still have spiked levels of pain daily and by 6pm, I am wiped out. 

I'm not looking for advice here. I am not looking for sympathy. I'm just looking for a way to manage this situation that allows me to do what I need and what I enjoy. I want to get things back in balance. I have two full weeks until I have unmitigated free time to chill the fuck out. I really need to get through these two weeks without losing it.

Sorry, Muse. You're on your own for a bit.

I don't appreciate feeling so awful that I can't go dance. My pain and my fatigue have interfered with that enjoyment.

I don't appreciate having to come home from work because my head hurts too much to get through the afternoon.

I don't appreciate being too tired to get all the things done that I need to get done in a day.

Autoimmune disorders can suck it.

That about sums it up!

Two weeks. I have two weeks until I can sleep without an alarm. Two weeks until I can look at a computer only when I want to update my status with a ridiculous pun or witty saying. Two weeks until my body can call the shots and talk with me about what it needs.

My body and I need to get back on speaking terms rather than suck it up and deal terms. 

Rest. I really just need to rest for a while.I need to step back from the frustration of work. I need to step away from the computer screen. I need to dance. I need to eat well. I need to manage what is in my control to manage and let go of what is not. 

Once again I have to figure out how to balance all of life with the stupid autoimmune crap...

in two weeks. Over the last 6 years or so I have found a way to manage things only to then have some aspect of my life get turned on its ear and then it's back to square one.

square one vodka

Oh. I get it now. I've been at the wrong square one every time.

I can make it two more weeks.