Pondering the Progress

Anyone out there still keeping up with those pesky New Year's resolutions? Here we are at the end of January, so for those of us on this calendar cycle, that's the end of the first month for the new year. For some on the Chinese New Year, the cycle is just getting started. For me though, it's time to reflect and see how things are going.

Go to the mountains to reflect they said. Know what? It's friggin' cold in the mountains in January.

I'm rocking the eat more vegetables and fruits goal. No. Really. I am. I've been making smoothies a few mornings a week, so that's helping. It's easy to throw in some spinach or kale along with berries and an avocado and a banana and hit liquefy. Although, I am wondering if perhaps I need to try stopping the Greek yogurt. I like the extra protein and the zing from the yogurt as well as the healthy fat, but the added dairy in my diet may be contributing to the upshot of migraines. I dunno for sure. I've never made the connection between dairy and migraine, but it's a possibility. Last time I checked my migraine app, I was at 21 pain days. That's a lot. Too many. Ridiculously high actually, so I'll be tweaking my recipe I guess. I'm getting a healthy dose of good fat from the avocado, so as long as that stupid, stupid Tangerine Tyrant in Chief backs down from his stupid, stupid plan to make us pay more for Mexican imports to support a stupid, stupid fence that won't do a godsdamned thing about illegal immigrants along our southern border, I should be good there. Avocados are a really good source of fats and and easy way to get my 5 a day in. I fucking love avocados. I also eat more carrots and apples etc. at lunch. I'm really kicking tail on the whole produce thing.

I read somewhere that it takes 4-5 years for an avocado tree to produce fruit. Even if we somehow managed to get a tree going inside, we'd have a long wait...

Cutting my social media consumption. Well...ahem *cue crickets. I'm not doing as well with this one. I like getting my news source linked together in my newsfeed through Facebook. I have some reliable news sources that tRumpCheeto doesn't seem to hold in terror (Thank you Guardian and Reuters and Slate and BBC) and I like having them all in one place. It's been a helluva a week. I admit. It's really been that proverbial train wreck that you can't look away from. I'm watching closely and fighting in any way I can, and my newsfeed as well as my activist friends are my source of inspiration and activism. I was fairly good at the start of the month about not clicking in right before bed, but I've been bad lately. I need to do better. I will do better. I can be efficient at my consumption and still be part of the resistance. I feel an obligation to be informed right now because of all the mayhem Donald the Despot wants to create. 30 minutes before bed though, no more. Gotta cut that connection 30 minutes before sleepy time.

Maybe if this owl had sound, I could rig it to go off if I tried to log onto my phone before bed and it'd startle me enough to stop me like squirting a cat with a water bottle. 

Oh who am I kidding? That's too much work.

Taking action financially. Well, I did meet with a guy who got me on the path for student loan forgiveness. I haven't received the paperwork back from HR though. I am hoping as long as it gets filed it will still be good. It's one of those get it filed before Asshat in the Whitehouse cancels the program kind of situations. I also get to do the taxes today, so after that, I will move some money into those online savings accounts to see which ones perform better. Baby steps. I haven't gone back to check on the crowdfunding site, but I will. I want to do taxes and set up the accounts first.
As for my Wiccan/pagan goal of speaking up for what I believe in, I do believe I am doing better about being authentic in that regard. I saw something a friend posted about how when you are silent about issues that are dear to you, you come off as being insincere rather than authentic. It feels that way , too. I don't want to be insincere. I don't want to be a dick either, but I think being silent and just scrolling past blatant falsehoods and statements that do nothing more than propagate discord and division is lazy. It's cowardly. Now more than ever, I can't do that. I used to think it was ok because what was the point? It was just Facebook. WTF ever. Social media is proving to be a useful tool. Just look at the rogue park rangers.  I need to speak up; otherwise I'm not being my authentic self. I need to be living my personal truth. It's been too long. With all the crap that the POrangeTUS is pulling, I can't allow people to think this is business as usual. It's not. Nothing that man has done is business as usual. I honestly can't believe he's where he is right now, but I will do all I can as a citizen to resist and to speak for the values of America that I hold dear. That means speaking up when I see something that denigrates women, LGBTQ, immigrants, the poor, the disabled, people of color, science, unions, and education. Silence means acceptance.

I WILL NOT BE SILENT!

That's where I'm at. Good on veggies, trying to resist social media, but my resistance is getting in the way, mediocre on finance, and getting stronger on voice. Despite the havoc being wrought in Washington, some really wonderful things are happening in my life. Some rather challenging things, too. However, having that authentic center guiding me--that personal conviction and courage to confront injustice when I can--gives me a sense of purpose I haven't felt in a while.

Imbolc is coming. I'm ready for the light.

No Pink, No Pussy Hat, Just Marching

"Cock-sucking bitches!"
Some small-minded middle-aged man yelled that out his window at at me yesterday as I marched with about 9, 999 other Montanans around our state's Capitol. Luckily, that was the extent of the negativity hurled. I figured, if that was the best the opposition had to spew, we were going to be just fine.

Dude, that's all you got? 

I marched along with the thousands of other women across the globe yesterday to  draw attention to the causes of women everywhere. Women's rights are human rights. Women need access to appropriate healthcare including safe abortions unfettered by interfering or misinformed governmental hands. Women deserve equal pay for equal work. Women need paid family leave to take care of family because guess what? They are the ones who disproportionately care for loved ones. They need access to clean water to care for families. They need to live free from violence against their bodies. They need to live where they can raise their families without fear of violence. The LGBTQ community rights are human rights. In an era where elitism, privilege, and sexism reside in power, we marched to remind those everywhere that we exist and we will not be silent.
As I looked around at all the people gathered in my state's Capitol, I was astonished. Early estimates were at 5, 000 intending to march. However, that number doubled as we started marching. 10, 000. That's a lot of people for this introvert to fathom. It was overwhelming really to consider how many people came out to support. It was reassuring. It was hopeful to see. It gave me a sense of strength and solidarity in a time when I needed it desperately.

Do you know this reference? Read your Atwood.

One aspect that I did not really spend much time on as part of my march was a direct opposition to Trump as president. I've never not accepted a president of the opposite party before. Even when Gore lost, I didn't flat out denounce Bush. I've grumbled and groused, but I've never looked at the opposite party candidate and outright thought, "What the hell? You didn't get there legitimately. You got there by underhanded foreign interference and we need to take you out before more damage is done." Since that apparently is not possible, my marching became not so much a protest of him and his presidency as it was a show of strength and willingness to stand and fight against any kind of abuse of power he tries to shove down our gullet. He talks a lot of talk and then backtracks on it later. Putting Hillary in prison and then not doing it for example. I'm hoping that by seeing how many people around the world support the agenda set out by the Women's March, he'll rethink some of his off the cuff and blatantly offensive rhetoric. But who knows. You never really know what the hell the man is going to do or say or Tweet.

Um...Oh? What? 

A lot has been written and shouted about how Trump is or is not "my president". I've considered this a lot as well. I've even nerded out on it and parsed it down to grammar. My is a possessive pronoun. It implies ownership of an object as in my book. Since humans should not be objects of possession, I cannot own nor possess Trump as my president. However, we do refer to family members as my husband or my niece. So possessive pronouns do suggest some sort of close familial reference. Again though, that cannot refer to Trump as no such close familial relationship exists. As no such condition exists between Trump and myself, I therefore cannot claim that he is my president. He may have been sworn in and currently reside in the White House, but I cannot claim ownership nor a close relationship. With Obama, it was different. I did vote for him. As I watched him and developed a respect for his dignity and diplomacy,  I felt an affinity for him. I still don't recall referring to him much as my president though. Our president or the president, yes. I'm not certain about my though. My  is personal whereas our is more of a collective, possessive pronoun. I can't seem to bring myself to get that close to Trump though. So far, he's done nothing to earn my allegiance, so he gets nothing other than an article: the. After all, he did take the oath. He is the president.

That had to  happen.

Next time I march in January though, I'll remember to bring a broad brimmed yet warm winter hat. Silly me. I don't spend long periods of time outside in January much in Montana. I don't ski or snowboard, so I didn't think much about the whole sunlight avoiding thing like I do in summertime. Still need to pay attention to lupus prevention even in winter months. Oops. Bad lupie. I don't suppose my fellow marchers noticed, but I was ducking behind the shadows of their signs to stay out of direct sunlight. Lupus survival tips: find the person with the really big sign and march behind them.

Sometimes, the zinc oxide is not enough...

Comfortably Authentic

A friend of mine recently shared a story from her former workplace. Apparently her upper level boss--the man one level higher than her direct manager--actually approached to inquire if she dyed her hair. Apparently it annoyed him when women with dark hair didn't dye their gray hairs. Somehow seeing the gray through the otherwise dark field of brown or black offended him and caused him distress and he felt compelled to share this with my friend...in the office...during their initial meeting. She lives in Burbank mind you and she works in the film industry so there's no small connection or pressure to conform and obey to beauty standards. But just wow!  I had to step back for a second and consider where the hell that guy got off thinking this was ok or necessary.

I didn't think so either, Loki.

I've been asking myself that a lot lately. Whether something is ok or necessary or kind before posting or saying it aloud to someone. In essence, I've been trying to boil things down to authenticity. What is authentic to me and my beliefs? If it is authentic to me, then it is real. It is genuine. It is necessary and kind and absolutely beautiful in my core way of life. I think grey hairs are beautiful and authentic in life and if my friend's ex-boss can't handle the authenticity, he can GTFO. I can not be silent when violations to those core beliefs occur. Part of recognizing my authenticity is also calling out people who insult those pieces of my authentic self. Lately, parts of my authentic self keep revealing themselves.

Wow. Dragons would be totally rad. Make things much easier. Wish dragons were part of my authentic self.

We started reading Handmaid's Tale in senior English. At the start, one of my seniors kept commenting on how old Margaret Atwood is. I finally cut him off and countered that I think he needs to work on his ageism comments because she is a vital, intelligent, and vibrant woman who has earned every gray hair on her head. Just because she is now in her 70's does not mean she has nothing to teach us. Quite the contrary. Her works are gaining in relevance as evidenced by the recent adaptation of HmT by Hulu and the articles I've seen on HuffPo and other news sites in the last year alone. I pulled one up from the last week just to drive the point home. I couldn't allow my seniors, who are going into the world in a matter of months, to think it's ok to look at senior citizens that way.

Actually, I typed in Margaret Atwood, not Mary Margaret, but hey! That works.

Also last week in another class, one student raised his voice and asked another student if his girlfriend was a slut. The young man had the good sense to reply that his girlfriend was indeed not a slut.  However, I still had to intervene as this kind of language is not acceptable for a classroom. The young man who defended his girlfriend accepted my correction and agreed that he should not use such terminology to refer to women ever. However the other young man retorted  loudly, "Am I the only one getting talked to about this?" Wow. Just wow. Not necessary. Not kind. I assured him as I do all students that whenever I speak to one about a disciplinary issue, I won't discuss the discipline of other students, but that the kind of language he used would never be tolerated by any student in class as it was blatantly disrespectful. My authentic self could not sit by and allow a group of 17 year olds to think it's ok to talk that way about women.

Yeah, that about covers it.

Then, this weekend I posted a video of what actually happens during an abortion. I don't know how many people will actually pause to watch it. I found it quite informative. Most of it I knew, but I found the video to be thorough and enlightening as well objective. It countered a lot of the misinformation and stayed on point with only facts. I'm sure those who want to know will watch and those who don't, won't. That's the beauty of social media. If you don't want to learn, you can choose to remain ignorant of the information and just blissfully continue to scroll down the newsfeed. However, I struggled as to whether I should post it or not.  If I was to be my authentic self, I needed to post it. People need to know the truth about what abortion is and what it is is not. I feel strongly in this age of misinformation and in the wake of that stupid fabricated videotape that was used against Planned Parenthood that people need to understand why abortion is necessary. They don't have to like it. They don't have to get one. But they sure as hell need to keep it legal for women everywhere. When it comes to whether or not I am being true to my authentic self, posting that video was an opportunity for me to get the truth out there. If they take the opportunity, that's up to them. I created an opportunity based on my authentic self.

Yes, Penguin. How true indeed.

Backtracking a smidge, Wednesday night I did something I rarely do. I went out. That's not the authentic part I suppose. A friend invited me to a dedication circle. She has almost completed her study of healing arts and she participates in a goddess circle--essentially a Wiccan coven of a fashion. I'm solitary, but she invited me for this dedication and invited me for others should I be interested. I am rather, although the smudging was a bit much. Tough to breathe honestly. However, it was welcoming, and refreshing, and lovely to be a part of a group gathered for this purpose. Even though I am very solitary and really not much of a believer in magic, I do enjoy ritual and a dedication to using my voice was a good thing. Besides, being witness for my friend's dedication was important I thought It felt very authentic to state that in front of people I know only a little-- some not at all. I felt authentic. Real. Genuine. Without artifice. It felt good.

Yea me!

I put off writing this post for a day because I wasn't quite sure how to string all these ideas together. I'm not entirely sure I did a coherent job of it. The fact is, I finally chopped my hair to the length I've always wanted: super short pixie. I stopped dying my hair and now the gray shows through. I wear my glasses more and mascara less. I've stopped wearing nail polish as much. I wear clothes that I like and that are comfortable. I wear make up if I feel like it, but it's mostly just powder to control the shine or a blemish. I'm 42 years old and I feel like I'm finally starting to figure out who my authentic self is. She's a bit more vocal, too.

This moose makes no apologies either.

Dear Topamax

Dear Topamax,

We've been together now for three weeks. We're taking our relationship to the next level tomorrow. It's the final stage in our partnership and I have to say it's been a rocky ride. I've stuck with you because of the promises and the possibilities. I hope that my dedication and belief in you haven't been misplaced. In the last three weeks I have endured a lot from you without a lot of reciprocal benefit. As we approach the one month mark, I hope that changes.

Goat's got some expectations that haven't been met.

I actually found the not drinking over the holidays easier than I thought it would be. The warning about not drinking while being with you was really effective. Black outs? Sloppy drunk after one glass of wine? No thanks! Your messing with my brains made it a bit easier too honestly. The scrambling in my grey matter made the resistance to alcoholic spirits a bit gentler. Since I already had trouble finding words, speaking without slurring my words, and remembering what I was doing, alcohol seemed redundant. Superfluous really. I did desire the taste of the Cabernet at Christmas (my favorite non-migraine inducing red wine) and I did really want a beer after school Friday night, but you know what? Not drinking for three weeks has helped me to rule out alcohol as a trigger for my migraines. I do still have an awful lot of migraine days on my diary for the last month, so I guess thanks for helping me rule out alcohol at least.

Hermione says you need to work harder, though. She's right.

You know, you're awfully tough on the digestive tract. Between the decreased appetite and the tummy rumbles and the frequent need to have a bowel movement as well as the increase in gassy expulsions, it's almost like lactose intolerance all over again...except I take my dairy pills and I don't eat a lot of dairy anything. While I do appreciate finally losing that stubborn 7-10 pounds I gained and couldn't lose after my neck surgery, I'm rather fed up with the knot in my belly. Seriously. Can you ease up on my gut maybe? I'm doing everything right by you, so can you cut me some slack on at least the poo and the farts? That'd be helpful. I'd really appreciate it. It's embarrassing, really.

My intestines have had about all they can take...

The one I was not in any way bargaining for though was the marked decrease in my libido. No one mentioned that when your name came up in regards to my migraine management. No one said boo even though sexual side effects were why I stopped taking anti-anxiety meds. Here we are three weeks into this relationship and I am wondering why I have no interest in kicking boots with my loving and incredibly patient husband only to scroll through to find a lesser known side effect of decreased sex drive. Lovely. Did you really need to go there? The fogginess, the sleepiness, the moodiness, the memory loss, the blurred vision, the gut problems, the tingly scalp, the numb face, the thick tongue, the dry eye, the inflamed gums, the numb limbs, and all the other side effects weren't enough for you? You had to go there. You had to. Fuck you. Since I don't get to enjoy it, you might as well get a good ol' fucking out of it. A riotous and rambunctious, all day long until you're chapped and can't walk right fucking. Enjoy.

You know what I like about this one? Such style. And a smile.

My migraine diary lists 15 days of migraine headaches since we started seeing each other. Everything I read tells me that after a month, I should start to experience some of your good qualities. I also understand that somewhere between 1-3 months, not only should I begin to experience a decrease in migraine activity, I can expect a sharp decrease if not a halt to all negative side effects. I hope that's true. I want to believe in you, Topamax.

But I'm putting you on notice. I'm watching you very closely.

Flaming Roosters

As the new year begins, there's always a slurry of new year posts about what the new year holds and inevitably the Chinese zodiac enters in somehow. I read one article last week about how this is the year of the rooster. Not just any rooster, but this one is supposed to be on fire.  That tickled my fancy, so I thought I'd read it. However, man did that article just make me annoyed. It went into numerology, which I don't put a lot of stock in. It explained how 2016 was awful because it was a 9 year, which means it was all about endings hence all the death and destruction. 2017 though is a 1 year, so it's all about new beginnings. Then began all these lovely numerological associations with where the door in your house is located. Apparently my house is not so much with the feng shui as I will experience nothing but more devastation and turmoil in 2017. Know what I say to that?

Fuck that; that's BS.

Instead I think I shall focus on a five point plan of getting my shit together without Chinese astrology cocking it up.

What? Me? No, no. uh-huh. Not looking for a fight at all. No siree. Nope.

Professional

I need to figure this shit out. I know I don't want to be teaching after I hit that magical 20 for retirement, but I have no friggin' clue what to do afterward. I need to figure that out. I am intrigued by research and finding answers to big questions. Maybe I can find some way to work in research. I also have got that paid writing thing to look into. The passive income stream I've tried so far hasn't panned out, so I need to be a bit more active I guess and that stupid Montana Millionaire didn't come through again, so it's back to work this week for me. *sarcastic sigh and eyeroll* I've also got a weird plan hatching regarding crowd-sourcing and a performance venue. It's possible...maybe...if I'm not too chicken to cock it up myself.

Seriously, this dude will end you. *shudders

Wellness

I've felt sick a lot lately. Bear in mind that I have a lot of chronic conditions, but I don't usually succumb to feeling sick. I don't wallow in self-pity or lament the pain and suffering, but damn. 2016 just didn't want me to overcome the shitstorm of illnesses it had in store. The surgery recovery was only the beginning of the story. *cue maniacal laugh* I used to measure my wellness by the pills I took. I took very few of them all things considered. It was nice. I took plaquenil and vitamin D and then I started taking the Formula 303 (Valerian root and magnesium). That was it for a long time. Then things changed and started with the alpha lipoic acid and the B complex, which wasn't too big a deal. Then came the amlodipine and maxalt. Then the amlodipine increased and the low dose aspirin came along with the topamax. It just keeps coming. My moods have been highly variable as well. I can't seem to manage the stresses of everything with my usual ease. I'm still doing the yoga, the meditation, the exercise and all that. However, I think this year I need to switch things up a bit. I think I need to back away from the social media more. I opted to unplug in the mornings this year to give my day a fighting chance, but now I think I need to bookend the day as well. No social media before bed. I also have been without alcohol for two weeks thanks to topamax. That as a things I was considering tapering off of anyway, but hey! why not go cold turkey?  I also think that I'll do more guided meditations in the afternoons, add the world's most relaxing song to my phone, and be more mindful with my reactions. taking time to do my breathing and time myself out is going to be important I think. I'm also going to try to get more vegetables. I thinks my low carb diet is doing well, but I was eating just the protein and fats...not enough of the vegetables and fruits there for the last month or so. Balance the gut, balance the mind. Gotta get that 5 a day thing working in my favor.

Don't throw shade at me, cocksucker! I can do it!

Creative

I have not been all that creative this past year. I have done a few things, but not a lot. I have had aspirations, but then I have distracted myself. I have thoughts about doing a project, but then forgotten it. I have found fun items on Pinterest, and then not done them. I have projects in my basement awaiting my attention. I have Christmas ideas that I was going to do, but I felt so lousy in December that I never did them, so I will do them over the summer, so they are actually ready for next Christmas. I need to do more artistically lest I shrivel into a little ball that does nothing but sit on its fanny on the weekends and play Diablo 3. Not that there's anything wrong with that! My Demon Hunter rocks and my Monk is on her way to greatness, but my artist is starved. Time to do some artsy stuff.

Not quite what I had in mind, but sure! Why not?

Humanity

In this year, I need to keep connecting to my fellow human beings. I need to keep listening and reaching out. I have spent so much time shut within my house, that I've become somewhat socially awkward. I know. You're shocked. I can feel the shock from here. Honestly, my introversion has spiraled out of control. I need to reconnect with some actual humans...a little at a time. I need to participate where it's important with my friends and family and community. I need to support those causes that I know are vital. I need to champion for human rights in my state, my country, and the world. I need to be that voice and connect even though it makes me so very uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. But it's important in the days ahead. Small steps. I can do this. Small steps.

That's right. One foot in front of the other.

Financial

I feel sometimes like I make headway on this one only to then fail miserably at it. I don't know how it is that a teacher can be at this job 15 years and still be paying student loans and not be able to afford a new car or home improvements or a better savings plan. It's boggling really. Consequently, I have a call to make this week to a financial planner to see about my student loans. I have only $6, 000 left, but I want to know if he has any ideas about loan forgiveness programs that I have not looked into so as to make that 6k go faster so I can save for my new car faster. I want to hasten this process a wee bit. I have looked into some of the little cheats that blogs suggest, but some simply do not benefit me. I am not a coupon shopper. I do not benefit from those apps since I don't use a lot of those kinds of products. Fresh fruits and vegetables and meats don't often appear on those apps. I do surveys and find a fair amount of success with free gift cards or donations, which is nice. Not a big money making scheme, but it's nice to get free stuff once in a while. Paid for my latest Anne Rice book. Anyway, they recommend a few online savings accounts, so I am going to try a couple, see which one pays the most and try saving that way.  I figure, through those and the student loan elimination, we should see a much brighter financial status during 2017.

Don't worry, it won't be that surreal...I don't think.

Anyway, there you have it. My five point plan for the year of the flaming cock. Hopefully when it comes time to bid 2017 adieu, I shall strut like this fella.

He is definitely working his mojo amirite?