Busted Advice: Migraine

If you're like a lot of people with internet access, you've likely investigated different maladies you've had from an ingrown toenail to a case of the sniffles. For better or worse, we've all done it. Sometimes the advice we find is helpful, but other times it can increase the anxiety about the condition until you're convinced you have some incurable disease. What's even worse is when the advice for your chronic condition is laughable or when it comes from a well-meaning friend or acquaintance. Honestly, I've read and received some fairly ridiculous advice for migraines over the 30 some years I've had the buggers. Here's just a short list of my favorites.

Thanks for lending an ear, Goat. I appreciate it.

Drink Water

Are you freakin' kidding me with this? If your headache gets better with water, then good for you! You had a dehydration headache. They suck; don't get me wrong, but they're not true migraines in the sense of chronic pain condition migraine I experience. Some folks feel this is their trigger. To them I say, "Congratulations on figuring out your trigger." I wish mine went away that easily. Furthermore, I have Sjogren's Syndrome, so I'm always drinking water. I am one of the most hydrated people you'll meet. I think I'd know if my headache would get better with water since I'd likely have been exerting myself and sweating a lot and not had my trusty water bottle with me. I'd likely also miss out on the fun light show or tingly scalp or yawning that usually go along with an impending migraine, too. Thanks for playing, but water doesn't help my chronic migraine. Don't tell me to drink more water. 

Seriously. I could do this and still have a migraine. I would, however, need to pee. A lot.

Grab a Sports Drink

This kind of falls under the hydration idea. I hadn't heard this one before, so I decided to try it because at the time, I wasn't taking anything that was helping. True story about migraine--you will try just about anything to make the pain stop. This shouldn't be one of them as it is a bust unless you've been exerting yourself and sweating a lot and lacking your trusty water bottle. If dehyration is your trigger, this might help ward off a migraine for you; However, again I say nay to this one. I have never been assisted in relieving a migraine with Gatorade.

This guy probably needs that sports drink. Me? Not so much.

Grapefruit Juice

A well-meaning individual suggested this to me when she learned I had a migraine most of the weekend. Apparently, her parent always recommends this as a remedy for headaches. I'm not entirely sure what the therapeutic effect would be on this one, but I do know that grapefruit juice, or any citrus for that matter, can actually be a bad thing. The tannins in citrus can actually trigger migraines in some people. Not only that, but grapefruit is contraindicated for a host of medications including beta blockers used to treat migraines. Ummmm, as much as I used to love ruby red grapefruit juice, I stopped drinking it because some brands add so much sugar. Between that, the tannins, and the medication warnings, I'll call this a bust for me.

It doesn't make sense to me either, Obama. 

PS: I miss you.

Get Some Coffee
*sigh* If I had suddenly stopped drinking coffee in the morning, I might consider this one as caffeine withdrawal headaches suck ass. Some years ago I decided to taper myself off caffeine because I was having heart palpitations called premature ventricular contractions (PVC) and it was freaking me out. I was taking in way too much caffeine, so I decided to take my doctor's advice and cut back. Despite slowly eliminating the caffeine, I still got the caffeine withdrawals for a while. However, unlike migraines, taking an OTC medication helped. You know why? Because they contain caffeine! One of my actual migraines though? Nada. Zip. No effect. I was very alert for my migraine experience though.

Even the best damn cup of coffee wouldn't do the trick, Cooper.

Coconut Oil
I love this stuff. I love cooking with it. I also love swishing some in my mouth for a while each morning as it does whiten my teeth, destroy coffee breath, and keep those pesky mouth sores (gums included) associated with lupus and Sjogren's at bay. However, when I was investigating coconut oil for these purposes (it's called oil pulling), some site made outlandish claims about the health benefits like--you guessed it--eliminating migraine pain. *insert furrowed brow here* If only it were that simple like the person who actually believes that nonsense. I've been oil pulling for about two years and guess what: I still get migraines.

Coconut oil for migraine? More like snake oil.

Manage Your Stress
Why must this be on every fucking chronic illness therapy list? I manage my stress just fine, but suggesting this to me is not helping with that effort. In fact, it makes me want to throttle you. Throttling would make me feel better, but it's still not likely to get rid of a migraine. I do yoga, I meditate, and I listen to the most relaxing song in the world (Really. It's called "Weightless" by Marconi Union) and I still get migraines. Migraines don't give a damn how Zen you are. They will bust your head regardless.

Stress? What makes you think I'm stressed?

Pressure Point
Some sites and good-intentioned people suggest applying pressure to that web-like area between your thumb and index finger. I tried this pinching technique hoping beyond hope that it would be a lifesaving strategy for me when the migraine gained ground in the war. You know what happened? I got a nasty bruise instead. Really. It was kinda blue in the middle a green as it got closer to the edges. It covered the whole triangular area on my hand. Maybe in my pain I pinched too intensely that time, but I was gentle at other attempts and still the migraine raged on.

 Yes, I know it was a long shot, President Underwood. Of course, you didn't see your wife's betrayal, so from where I sit you've got no right to judge my choices.

Have Sex
Yes. Really. The suggestion here was to ignore that old cliche of "Not tonight. I have a headache" and go for it. Ignore the throbbing and nausea; just get down, baby! I did actually try this a few times with my less intense migraines. I have to say that during the actual act, the headache did indeed lessen in intensity, but as soon as the afterglow was over, the migraine came back. It came back with a vengeance in fact. Those feel good chemicals can only block your awareness for so long. I guess, if you have a migraine and feel up for a few moments of peace and that lovely orgasm, be my guest. Just be prepared for the aftermath.

 I agree. You take care of you and leave me and my migraine alone in agony.

I guess it boils down to this: find out what triggers those migraines (I use an app for that) and be honest with your doctor about the experience you have with migraines. Tell your doctor what you've tried and what has worked as well as what has failed. If you're someone who knows another person who has migraines, be supportive, but don't give a bunch of unsolicited advice. You can't make it all better like a mom kissing a kid's skinned knee. Your friend or loved one will appreciate a compassionate offer like "What can I do for you?" or "I'm sorry you're in pain" a lot more than a recommendation of something they've likely already tried and debunked. Who knows though. They might just take you up on the sex.

Good luck with that "Come hither" look, Moose.

* The current trend online is to recommend Himalayan salt water with organic lemon juice. This again falls under dehydration and electrolyte imbalance as your trigger. It's actually not a successful therapy for other types of headache without an added  abortive prescription as far as what I've been able to verify. (Sept. 23, 2017)