Claiming My Witch

I've spent the better part of this week mulling over the idea of how I define being a witch. I've written on the topic in the past as my personal, spiritual connection evolved, but this time was different. I had a specific focus. I began this journey at Mabon as the wheel turned to the dark time of year when the Dark Goddess rules instead of the maiden. As I began lighting an incense and a candle every morning while I meditated. I began to define and identify my current witchy views.

Looks like you've had some insights too. Goat

Being Aware: As I walked through this week, I paid particular attention to the surroundings. I tried to soak up all the actions and words and sensations I moved through. I reflected on my dreams. I mulled over the statements I read and heard. I moved through it all with an awareness I've not given attention to for some time. To be aware you need to be aware of things within and outside of yourself; that includes all the circles from you outward to the stars. A witch sees beyond the end of their nose into the universe.

Somewhere among the stars.

Listening: I think this one links up with being aware. However, it delves deeper. It asks not only that you acknowledge, but that you really try to listen even when it's uncomfortable to do so. Take the kerfuffle with the anthem and the football players. I think that the fact that people are uncomfortable is a good thing. I think that more and more players and coaches are speaking up shows that they are listening to each other and finding strength in their numbers. Rather than making it all about themselves, some fans are listening to words that they've never considered because they have not felt the injustices. Freedom of speech has no out of bounds like football does. It does not end where the sidelines begin. Listening to those most affected by the injustice is the way to go and if it takes reaching millions of Americans on their sacred Sunday past time, then hooray! You've got their attention now. Witches speak their truths.

You might meet some interesting people along the way.

Confidence: My belly dance teacher is making us focus on poise this session. I'm totally fine with this as it has positively affected my posture. I am holding myself straighter, which is helping me strengthen that neck and core. I feel I command more attention when I move with authority through the hallways. There is something about holding your head high with your shoulders back that makes you feel empowered. I don't subscribe to my teacher's take on how being feminine means denying the overalls, sweats, or flannel; if that's what makes you happy, go to and live your truth. However, I do notice a boost to my own confidence regardless of what I wear. I will carry myself with the grace and confidence of who I am. Other witches will need to find their poise.

Graceful confidence.

Nature: This one is two-fold. On the one hand, I feel compelled to spend time in nature. Whether it is sitting on the porch as my cats play in the yard, strolling through the neighborhood, or going camping. Taking time out to sit in nature is peaceful and at the core of being a witch.
 Along with that, respecting nature is also important. reducing dependence on fossil fuels, reducing use of plastics, and reducing water usage and waste seem ideal methods to respect nature. Respecting nature also happens when you don't do stupid things like throw fireworks that catch one of the most treasured areas in the Pacific Northwest on fire. Living with nature, not living above it. It goes to that idea of concentric circles again rather than some kind of leveled hierarchy with people on top. Witches witness nature; they do not seek to dominate it.

To pass through without leaving so much as your footprints.

Personal growth: I think that spending time to reflect on your actions is essential. I think committing yourself to doing better the next day shows maturity and dedication to being the best version of yourself you can be. Spending time with your own thoughts and inquiring of your depths. Much as the Transcendentalists sought their personal growth and truths, so must a witch.

Find yourself reflected in everything around you.

Mindful Practice: This level requires that you are aware and that you do listen. This goes one step further to infuse those ideas into your every day. Moving with purpose, listening to all the sounds around you, eating to enjoy and appreciate the food not just scarf it down, breathing deeply to hear your own heart--enjoy the time you are given in this life. Make time to live rather than exist. Make ritual of any kind part of your daily life so long as it keeps you present. You slow time down; you accomplish what needs done, and accept that it doesn't all wrap up neatly; you feel a deep gratitude for all things--you just find a peaceful, easy feeling that is part of being a witch.

A little classic Eagles isn't out of the question.

Shun None: A news report came  out somewhere during the past year as we dealt with President Orange that witches nationwide were performing a binding spell on him. I do not like his politics. I do not like how he treats women or those with less power than him. I do not like much about this man at all. However, I am not much for binding or hexing spells. I think binding his proclivities for damaging everything he touches is tempting, but that seems a lot like saving him from himself. Besides, I don't think those spells do much more than prayer would, so why bother? However, it is easy for witches to feel superior  or smug just as any human can. Staying humble and mindful of ourselves provides a witch with respect for herself and the fortitude to allow others to do as they will as long as they harm none.

You do you, and I'll be me. K?

Connection to the Elements: With the elements, it's important to respect both the refreshing and the destructive aspects. With air, I love a cool breeze, but I also respect the power of the tornado. I enjoy a quick shower or dip in the lake when camping, but I also recognize the force of water in a hurricane. I spend time tilling the earth in my garden, but I also acknowledge how a quake tears down the cities. Campfires, candles, and fire pits captivate me while forest fires shock me into silence. Being a witch insists that you find ways to respect all sides of the elements, not just the calm and peaceful aspects.

All in one.

Creator and Destroyer: Witches fulfill both roles just like elements. We can create a song, a dance, or a company. We can dream of possibilities and potential. Conversely, we can throw out the ideas that don't serve us anymore. We can clear out the clutter of items that take up space we could use for other purposes. We work toward letting go of harmful emotions and thoughts. Living in accordance with all the other realizations I have had this week led to accepting myself as both creator and destroyer of my life as a witch and as a human.

My circles don't look like this except in my imagination.

Looking back over this week, I've had a couple of interesting dreams about happiness, transformation, positive news, and cautious moves forward. I was particularly fond of the tavern that served only potatoes--every kind of potato, but only potatoes. I don't believe that the Dark Goddess was visiting me mind you, but when the subconscious dumps some weirdness, trying to find out what the brain was synthesizing that day can be enlightening. In the end, I just reaffirmed what I already believed: Create life where you live according to your values to the best of your ability while honoring the earth and its inhabitants.

 

Moose, call on the strength of the witch in you.

Which Witch is Which?

Good news! No migraine when I woke up. This of course meant I didn't have a good excuse not to get my butt in gear and get shit done. Of course, since I was a blob yesterday, it meant I had twice the shit to handle. 

Yeah, I'd like to just laze away outside, too, Goat.

I cleaned in the house. Wiped down bathroom surfaces, loaded the dishwasher and unloaded it later for yet another load, swept the floor, and set out my clothes for the week. I also had the wherewithal to work out today. Ah! The muscles were a wee bit confused, but they accepted the necessity. I still played a lot of Diablo 3, which I may do more of before the day ends. I think my barbarian can handle skipping to torment 2. She's pretty fantabulous. I just need more of the set gear dangit! 

The screenshot doesn't do Sweetums justice.

I also found time to check on the garden. We had a weird and dramatic drop in the weather around here. We went from 90 to 45 for our high. We had three days of rain. I rather neglected the garden because of it. I went out there today though and harvested a ton of chard, which is now in little blanched balls awaiting freezing. So. Much. Chard. I also pulled our last kohlrabi, three cabbages, and about 10 jack-be-little pumpkins. We are going to have more of those, too. I took two romas and one green pepper. I wish our tomatoes would turn red; we've not had the bumper crop I was hoping for. We also have about five butternuts and 12 carving pumpkins. I noticed the first of the acorn squash today, too. It'll be a good harvest despite the lack of tomatoes. 

Hang on there, Javert. No need to get crazy-eyes about them.

I brought the little pumpkins in and cleared off  the altar I have in the front room. The pumpkins always make a perfect addition to the altar. Cleared off all the bills and other items that had gathered there. Not very respectful of me to allow such a build up, right? Well, I cleaned it today. Sue me for not doing it sooner. Mabon is coming and harvesting the garden always puts me in the mood for the autumn solstice. I've been considering my ritual for this fall and what it means for me as a witch. 

Still one of my all time favorite witches.

I came across one of those online quiz thingies and it came as a surprise to no one that I rated as a solitary witch. I prefer 'loning it in ritual just as I do in most things in life. Additionally, I follow The Peaceful Pagan on Facebook and I love her. I haven't seen anything from her in a a while, so I was glad to see her posting. She brought up the idea of how we define witch. She wrote, " I wax and wane, I am light and dark, I create and destroy. It is all in me. I understand this power and use it for good. I don't spend time on things, topics, people that don't interest me, I am unapologetic with who I am." I love that idea of not apologizing for who you are or the path you choose. I love this idea and I get annoyed with anyone who feels need to press me for justification or explanation. I hate it even more when I give them what they want. Create and destroy: so true. Sometimes I have a burst of energy to create, but then other times, I have to destroy whatever ideas or notions or novelties I had built up. Change is necessary. Changing our views and practices is also important. I think it is vital to change your views in light of new and enlightening information. For that, I will not apologize. 

I'm not entirely sure what this is, but I think it gets where I'm coming from.

She continued, "There is a witch in all of us. Claim her." Well okay then. Claim her. It's freeing to use the term witch without tying it to Wicca. I've fairly well defined my own version of witchiness without the need of validation or dogma from a coven. I suppose that is what I should think about as we get closer to Mabon: ow will I live as a witch in the coming months? It is the season of the dark goddess, so I get to ponder that as well. Now that I have the altar cleared and ready, maybe my morning meditation would be well spent considering the idea of claiming my witch--or reclaiming rather. I have had several dreams that indicate that insightfulness and cleverness are under the surface thanks to symbols like the fox that one night. Then there was the bear. A little bit of resurrection, renewal, and introspection with that one. Of course, I also had the shark, a symbol of fierceness and struggle with my own individuality. My subconscious has been busy.

It gets a little crowded in my subconscious sometimes.

A witch knows herself. I know myself, but I've felt a change in the wind lately. As the leaves turn and the nights get longer, I feel like delving more deeply and uncovering what's been lurking in the shadows. Time to draw them out and spend some time with them. Time to sit with myself, my own thoughts and pains, my own self that I show and that I don't. Time to put the rest behind and use those lessons learned to move forward with more confidence and peacefulness. Do better. I'm ready to claim my witch.

You know it, Moose. Get your witch on!

Good Morning Migraine

I love mornings. I never used to. Like many teenagers I readily slept in until 11 am or even after noon. Now though, I enjoy waking up to see the sunrise. I love getting a yoga session in, some meditation, a quiet breakfast, and on the weekends even a bit of reading. Lately though, my morning solitude has been rudely disrupted by migraines. Those bastards!

Lookin' a trifle sheepish, but right there with ya, Goat. 

I have been waking up with migraines lately. At least once a week for the last month and now three times this week. It's a harsh way to wake up when you're dizzy, nauseated, and in extreme pain. Even the low light of the street lamps bleeding through the blackout curtains are too much. The sounds of the perpetual fountain water dish for the cats are loud. It takes an incredible amount of will to drag my ass to work. I'm a little sick of it honestly.

That's about right there, Polar Bear.

Instead of doing yoga, I try to stretch, but moving around makes me nauseated and the pain intensifies. I try to make coffee only for the microwave to pierce my ears. I let the coffee brew while I lie down on the sofa with an ice pack. I pop a Zomig. I skip the morning strength training because yuck! Movement again. I'm also too dizzy to do an effective squat or lunge. I put on some meditation music and hope that the pain subsides. It doesn't. So I pop some ibuprofen like my doctor told me to. Then it's off to the shower. The pain finally lessens enough by the time I need to go to work after about 90 minutes of awful. I'm moving through quicksand trying to start the day.

Precisely.

Only then, I realize the migraine doesn't completely let go. They are persistent wankers! Yesterday, at about 11 am, my migraine staged a horrific resurgence and the Zolmig didn't knock it out. By 2 pm I thought I would have to have my husband come get me because the pain was intense and the dizzy was strong. I don't know how I made it through the last two periods of my day, but I definitely was not myself. I was slow and hazy in every way that is not helpful to a teacher. You can't imagine what it's like to hope that you don't vomit on your students. But I made it home and popped some more ibuprofen. After waiting an hour to see if things settled down, I went to dinner with my parents . The migraine backed off to about a 2 on the pain scale, so I could function. By the time I left dinner at about 9 pm, the tingling on my scalp and arms told me to brace myself for round three.

You tell that migraine, Hellboy!

I woke up around 5 am to the kitten making all kinds of noise with his toys. The noise from the other room seemed tinny and amplified. I started to pull myself up, then the piercing pain in my eyes knocked me back to my pillow. Fuck! The nausea kicked back in and the big cat purring on my pillow looked worried about not getting his food yet, but he remained and tried to comfort me with his purring. Oddly, the purring through the pillow did not grate on my nerves like the plastic toys on the hardwood. Cat purring is somewhat soothing even with a migraine.

Thanks, Pusheen.

I tried to relax into more sleep because I couldn't move without gasping in pain, but I finally had to give up at 7ish. I stumbled out of the bedroom, made it to the bathroom, fed the cats, popped another Zomig, and collapsed on the sofa. At some point, the drug manufacturers will have to realize that when someone has a migraine, those stupid blister packs they use are impossible to manipulate. Seriously. When you have a migraine, the last thing you need is the packaging for your migraine relief flippin' attitude. Didn't even try to make coffee then as I just couldn't. About two hours later, my husband woke up. He made coffee. Unfortunately, on the weekend we grind the beans for really good coffee. The sound was so penetrating, I covered my head with the pillow. Since it had been at least 2 hours, I popped more ibuprofen hoping to send this migraine to hell once and for all.

This is the perfect GIF for the sentiment, but the strobe effect is not helpful to the migraine. 

It's after 2 pm and I am still in the aftermath. It's not as bad, but it's not gone either and I can't take more Zomig. I might actually be out and there's a possibility that they won't renew my prescription for a few more days. Fuckers. I'm drinking warm chicken broth because thinking about eating just makes me sick. I do need something in my belly though.

You and me both, Cinderella.

Sitting here typing this, I am thankful that I can look at the screen without yelping. I am thankful that I can keep down this chicken broth. I am thankful that I may be able to take a shower soon. I wish I knew what was triggering my migraines lately, though. Is it the recent drastic shift in the weather that brought the first winter storm warning this week? (I am thankful for that too as it is helping put out the fires.) Is it the Benlysta treatment I had this week? Possibly. Looking at my migraine app, I do see a slight pattern for the last three months of the migraines hitting two days after an infusion and lasting for longer than a day. *sigh*

You feel my pain don't you, Dean?

I'm not sure what is triggering things, but I do know that waking up in the pain like I have this past week sucks the proverbial ass. Then, not having it go away after all the treatments I have in my arsenal is even more disheartening. It's the weekend and I have things I want to do, but I'm in my robe and slippers still. At least there's still Sunday, right?

Keep on, keepin' on, Moose.

Lupus Error: Brain Not Found

I forgot butter today. I planned to make chocolate zucchini bread and I knew I needed another box of butter, but I forgot to put it on the list. I thought about it before I left the house. I said, "Go put it on the list." I didn't. By the time I got to my phone to add it to the list, I had forgotten what I was doing and left for the store. Consequently, my husband made a second trip to go get butter. This is just one of many moments where my mind does not quite live up to its challenge.

That's about what I look like, Goat. Nailed it.

Between 20-60% of people with lupus experience cognitive dysfunction according to the Lupus Foundation of America. That's a wide range isn't it? Personally, I find this symptom to be the most frustrating.  It's the most frustrating because it happens so often despite all the little things I do to improve my brain function. One recommendation is to get enough sleep. I go to bed just before 9pm every night so I can get at least 7.5 hours. On the weekend, I usually sleep 8-9 hours even though it's recommended not to sleep in on the weekends. You're supposed to keep your sleep pattern as even as possible. *sigh* Sorry, but by the time the weekend rolls around, I feel like shutting off the alarm and letting my body tell me when to wake up. That's a luxury I don't have during the week. In order to get my coffee, exercise, yoga, and meditation in and then get to work at 7am, I have to get out of bed at about 445am.

Besides, this will happen if I don't get up.

I'm still adjusting to the school year schedule, which means I come home some nights and take a quick, light snooze before dinner even with my mostly regular sleep pattern. The cobwebs are so strong and plentiful by 4pm, that I simply have to rest because I can't think clearly or concentrate. Last week, I had a meeting about our insurance changes after school and uffda! My focus and concentration were not optimal. I find that I have to take copious notes to recall information and even that is taxing. My handwriting tends to get a bit reckless when I'm that out of it. Fatigue definitely plays a roll in the cognitive effects of lupus for me. Not gonna lie.

Me after work. 

Notes and lists are recommended ways to deal with the memory issues associated with cognitive dysfunction. I make a list of things to do for the day to help me stay on track. Always have. Besides, the gleeful feeling of crossing something off the list is really too delicious. Furthermore, The Lupus Foundation suggests to stay organized, repeat information back, focus on one thing at a time, and take good care of your body. Even when you do all those, it still sometimes sucks ass.

The static in the brain is exhausting.

Lists are one way I stay organized. I keep a calendar. I keep a tiny notebook in my purse for doctor appointments and things I need to remember when I get home. I use tiny notebooks at school too so that when I check student work, I know who's getting it and who isn't. I won't remember when the day ends, so I need my notebook. Some days I know I wouldn't make it without my notes and lists.

Even when Crowley makes my list, it's still easier than not having one.

Repeating information back is also helpful. When I am learning new information, I mentally say it back to myself or murmur it out loud and sometimes I even say things like, "I think what you're saying is..." That last one though is only for emergency purposes as I hate admitting that I didn't get it the first time. It's slightly embarrassing for someone of above average intelligence who used to be able to remember everyone else's lines in the play to admit that not all the synapses are not firing. I hate when I can't understand what I've read though. I read so much that I hate when I can't remember what  just read or forget something important that happened in a good book. It makes me all self-conscious and anxious. I get jittery with all the doubting. When I have to read and reread more than 3 times to get it, I just put the material down and do something else. Clearly I am not going to get anything out of the reading in that situation.

That's about all I get it out of it, too, Chandler.

Focusing on one thing at a time is vital. I love that scientists are busting the theory of multi-tasking. It makes my life simpler. There are few things more vexing than too many things happening at once demanding my attention. I quickly get panicky and nothing sticks or makes sense. I just get so confused that I check out. It's hopeless.

What more is there to say?

As for taking care of my body, I try. I do yoga to clear my mind and wake up my body. It feels good to stretch things out. I definitely feel it when I don't do the yoga. I also get exercise on my terms. A quick walk, a squat challenge, a brief and intense strength training once or twice a week I can usually muster ok. Nothing much more though. Absolutely nothing that involves a trip to a spin class or gym.

Ok, this one might be entertaining for like a minute.

All of these situations blow chunks. But when I get stuck in a loop is the worst. Think Groundhog's Day in your brain. No matter how many times you ask a question and get the answer, you cannot for the life of you make sense of what is happening. You feel like you didn't ask the question correctly, so you ask again. The people around you look at you strangely.Then 15 minutes later, you feel like you didn't use the right phrasing because they gave you the same answer the second time, but it didn't compute. So you ask again. This makes people get terse. They tend look at you like you're stupid, which is how you feel because you're like a needle stuck in the groove of a vinyl LP. It's embarrassing. It's humiliating. It makes me want to cry in frustration because I know my mind is just not connected to me any longer and I have no idea how to reboot. Right now I am recalling a very specific time with my brother in law and husband. It makes me want to break down and sob even now.

It even makes Daryl cry.

Despite all the tricks and techniques I use, my brain still says "Fuck you!" more than I'd like. It's awful when I can't speak fluently. After lunch at work, I can totally tell that my brain is starting to call it quits. The words to the lesson that went so smoothly at 8am is more fractured by 2pm. The fluidity  has evaporated and I feel like an inept moron. Lupus and fibromyalgia both have their "fogs," but this is more pronounced. With the fog, it's muddled and words don't always come when I call them, but with the dysfunction I'm talking about, I can't remember shit. I can't say shit. I just can't get the thoughts together to do what I need to do.

You get it, Pooh. 

All that is left to me in those moments is to withdraw into myself. Get out of whatever social situation I am in. That escape hatch is the most important thing at that moment. I can't take being around people because my breathing is shallow. My heart races. All I can do is hide away and hope it is all better when I wake up.

 A girl can hope. Right, Moose?

It's Easier to Blame than to Admit Complicity

Humans have a remarkable capacity for deflection when it comes to natural disasters. I bring this up because if you've been watching the news at all, you know that several disasters are occurring not only in the United States, but in the world. Let's examine some of these catastrophes and how humans react.

Yes, Goat. You probably know where this is going. You're smart like that. 

Hurricane Harvey. No other natural disaster has been named for a giant rabbit hallucination. Frankly, I'm sure the Texas would rather a rabbit the size of Godzilla traipsed through their state rather than the hurricane that has destroyed so much of the population and infrastructure. Yet somehow through the devastation, humans managed to politicize it; incorrectly they politicized it. Holy hell. Can we show a wee bit more ignorance? I don't think so. Accusing Obama for not responding to Katrina (fun fact: he wasn't president at the time) and accusing his wife of doing something that Condoleeza Rice did; I have no words for the stupidity. I have no words for taking our eyes off the ball and making this about political griping instead of care and compassion for a state that got hammered relentlessly. Thankfully, some people pulled together and helped one another to survive.

 I don't think I will actually. 

Then of course the stupid bullshit of Joel Osteen, a self-proclaimed man of God who caught hell for not opening his megachurch to hurricane refugees fast enough. Honestly, he's just being true to himself, so...what did you expect? Apparently he even had the audacity to hold a prayer service where he passed the fucking hat. I hope his tithe collection goes 100% to relief efforts. My cynical side doubts that. But man! We are quick to point fingers at him for not being the good shepard for his flock. Along with his stupid response, the idiot windbag Ann Coulter decided to sound off that electing a lesbian mayor is a more believable cause for Harvey than climate change. Jesus fucking Christ. People are without homes, they are suffering from significant trauma, they are hungry, they are thirsty, and they are in need of just about anything else other than these asshats' responses.

The out of touch ridiculousness even makes the canines day drink.

Another delightful disaster is wreaking havoc in my own state. Montana has exactly one place that has decent air quality; a tiny town called Cut Bank. My own city has hazardous air. The fires aren't even that close, but man that wind knows what it's doing. More than half a million acres have burned and there's no end in sight. In fact, the people who know about such things said that it's going to get worse. Additionally, Oregon is riddled with fires. California has its own collection of wildfires including the largest in LA's history. There are lovely graphics out there that show exactly how many fires are in the west right now. Alas! Too many. The west is ablaze like Hell itself. Yet, the federal aide is slow to materialize. Our own Secretary of the Interior claims to be a Montanan, but he's been oddly slow to rally for his state. There are some agencies now that are collecting funds and materials for relief efforts. We're doing without the federal government at the expense of our reserve funds and needs for the remainder of the fiscal year. People are of course sending their thoughts and prayers. Like that helps. It might assuage their guilt and give them some sense of doing something to help when in fact, unless they build a pipeline from Texas and South Asia, thoughts and prayers mean precisely shit. Although, rather than blaming religious sins, people are blaming land management. Some believe that the forests have been improperly managed and that lack of logging in Montana is to blame. Bullshit. There's been plenty of logging around the Lolo Peak fire and it's still just as horrific as any other fire. Oh yeah! The fires are also fueled by grasslands, not just woodlands. But we are ever so eager to blame someone else. I'm sure someone somewhere is blaming the anti-discrimination laws and the gay agenda for the fires as well.

Me going to work this week.

Returning to  South Asia for a second, 1,400 people are dead in the worst flooding in their history. Bangladesh, Nepal, and India are without the resources of America and they are overwhelmed by water.  Their buildings are not built to withstand this pummeling. Despite getting battered about every year during monsoon season, this year is worse. Of course, they're so far away and they're just brown people that don't count, so why should we even pay attention? We need to take care of our own first, not some foreigners. They should build better buildings and create better levies and improve their causeways for avoiding rising tides. Why should we send our aide to them when we need it here? Because it all adds up to something bigger than any one disaster and some people still deny the reality.

That's about what they do, Snoopy. 

For whatever reason, it is easier to blame the disasters on the Biblical sins rather than on the scientifically supported ones. It's easier to blame people on the opposite side of the political fence for the droughts and the pine beetles that kill off the trees leaving them vulnerable to fire. It's easier to shake our heads and bemoan yet another disaster in Asia rather than admit that rising water levels everywhere might have some influence on the horror. But hey! We  have no control. There's nothing we can do. This is just what the earth goes through periodically. It'll even out and be fine.

Yes, Odo. I do. Your sarcasm is strong.

In the end, it doesn't matter who you blame because it's all bullshit. Until humans wake up to the fact that we're making this worse, nothing is going to get better. It's easier to blame others than to accept the responsibility that we all bear in this world. Until we stop blaming outside ourselves for the cause, we're just going to see more of the same. Deny it all you want; it will still come.

Sorry, Moose. Don't think even you can outrun climate change.