Gutbusters

It's the holiday season. During this time of year, the alcohol companies start hocking their wares. I thought since we don't watch much network TV, we'd likely not see much on that front. However, on Hulu and Amazon both, I've witnessed Wild Turkey with a side of Matthew McConnaughey, Mondavi wines featuring everyday pretentious folks, and Smirnoff starring Ted Danson. 'Tis the season for all types of alcohol and screw you if you have to stop consuming it. *sigh*

Technically guys, that's Santa's job. You know, there's even a song about "Up on the Housetop" and reindeer's paws, not goats.

I've sucked at this whole IBS elimination diet. I thought I could test a few items and that'd be enough. I am so terrible at this thing that it's come down to an all or nothing situation. In order to truly know what my triggers are, I have to let go of all the potentials including alcohol.

Just like that.

To be clear, on this elimination diet, it does allow you one beer or one glass of wine. Thing is: I can't do that. I can maybe hold the wine to one since more increases the risk of migraine depending on the brand. Beer though? Even a limit of two is unlikely. I love that hoppy beverage and I won't pretend I don't.

Maybe not as much as Homer, but you get it, right?

At the start of the school year, my husband and I decided that we should decrease our beer consumption and shoot for only on weekends. Not only a weekend only thing, but I suggested one 12 pack only. We really only go to about 18 mind you, but even that has been tough to manage. We frequently get more like 24 lately on the weekend leaving some for Monday. Gotta finish it, right? Can't leave it alone in the fridge. It's even started to bleed into Thursdays because let's be honest: Thursday is the new Friday and my Thursdays during the last month have been exhausting. Not that it excuses my penchant for imbibing one or two on Friday Eve, but I think you see my point.

Don't tease me. Magic 8 Balls never say that.

It was also Thanksgiving weekend here in the States. Worst. Time. Ever. To try and stick to an elimination diet of this magnitude. The stuffing, the pie, and the alcohol. Just couldn't stay my hand. Consequently, I took the Fuck It approach and indulged telling myself that this is it. Go out with a bang!

Yup, Mr. Bean. That's how I rolled this holiday.

To be clear, I am not a raging alcoholic, but I love beer. I can let the wine go, but beer is my go to. If I want to chill on a summer's day, I reach for an IPA. If I want to unwind on Friday night, I reach for an IPA. If I want something cold while camping, I go to the cooler for an IPA. Can you tell my favorite beer? I drink it almost exclusively.

 Never give your dog beer. That's a terrible idea. And a waste.

I did successfully navigate alcohol free living for about two months in the last year when I was on Topamax. I can do this again right? Of all the items on the elimination diet (and there are a lot like bananas, asparagus, and hummus), beer is going to be tough. What if it's a massive trigger?  It's so ingrained into my evening weekend routine that habit will be difficult to replace. The holidays will be even that much tougher. Alcohol is everywhere this time of year.

I'm sure they are, Karen. Just like you.

There are bonuses to this elimination beyond regulating my gut. It will decrease our grocery bill. My favorite IPA from a local brewery is now available in stores. No more running downtown for a growler, which is also three dollars less than the convenience of the cans in the stores. I was willing to pay the $12 for convenience. While I won't be contributing to a local business, they do a booming business without me. They'll be OK.

Thanks, Bill. Wait, what's that in your hand? Goddammit, Bill.

It also will likely help my migraines. Alcohol is a trigger for some. While I knew that certain red wines can send me to the floor and to the bathroom for a lovely expulsion of my stomach contents, I don't really know the impact of beer. This is a good time to find out I suppose.

Not helping, Worm.

Furthermore, I am highly likely to lose some more weight. While I have been hovering around my preferred weight, last time I dropped alcohol, I fell about 10 pounds. This diet goes 12 weeks before reintroducing foods and liquids. With all the other restrictions, I could fall to a weight I haven't been since I was 15. This could be another chance to reduce my weight and find a way to maintain it at a lower number. Despite not needing to lose weight, it is possible.

If we're being honest, this is not going to happen, so...

OK, so I do look like that running, but that's not how I will lose weight. Ever.

I suppose getting my gut in order should really be enough. Overriding my gut's desire to get backed up or painful or enthusiastic about voiding the leftover stuff my body doesn't need in an urgent fashion should be enough incentive. But damn! I love beer and this is going to be tough. I need to acknowledge that. I need to own this part of myself. Maybe one pint before the sun goes down on this weekend. I got this.

Your skepticism isn't helping, Moose. Don't judge.