An Existence of the Human Kind: The Wallows

I got up this morning and started on the day. I cleaned the kitchen while my coffee brewed. I did my strength training. I made some zucchini soup and chocolate zucchini bread (I used coconut flour and honey. I think the honey led to it being more of a pudding). I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to wake up without a headache. First morning in the last 6 days. Really. I made it through one day of the first week of school without pain. One.

IHA.com

It was a bit like being stuck in a stall, Goat.

I wanted so bad to get going this morning to prove to myself all the things that I can do when I feel well. I can keep the house tidy, and I can make tasty foods from our garden. I can take a shower without collapsing on the bottom of the tub with water washing over me. I can do my exercises without the pain accelerating from a 2 to an 8. I had to. I had to do the things. I had to.

dukelong.com

I am with you, Dowager.

I had to because I needed to distract myself from the thing I can't right now. I can't participate in a dance gig in two weeks. I had to admit to myself and to my teacher that I can't do it. Not now. Honestly, I don't know when I will again.

wifflegif.com

Indeed, Matthew. How perfectly understated. Quite.

I can't practice and I really need to.
I can't guarantee that I will be well for the performance.
I can't do another shitty performance like I have been.
I can't accept that my joyful dance is slipping away.
I can't get it back no matter how hard I try to run interference.

herewestand.tumblr.com

Ordinarily that would be true, Isobel. I'd love to be wrong on this.

I fucking hate my body right now. I want a good old-fashioned ugly cry. I want to wail and kick and scream.

herewestand.tumble.com

You and me, Anna. You and me both.

Welcome to The Wallows. This is a place I don't enjoy. I'm not fond of feeling sorry for myself. I'm not fond of admitting when I can't do something. The more I don't do things, I fear I won't get them back. The more I try to get them back, the worse I feel physically. In The Wallows it is isolated, dark, and lonely. I fucking hate The Wallows.

dukelong.com

I don't think I will, Lady Mary. As if you never spent time in The Wallows.

If you're thinking "Then change it!" Kindly fuck off. If you're thinking "If you just focus on something else, you'll feel better," you can fuck off, too. If you're thinking "Just be grateful for today" fuck you. If you're trying to fix it by any number of solutions that worked for such and thus friend or relative, fucking keep it to yourself. I'm in The Wallows and none of that will serve to do anything other than piss me off. So don't fucking do it.

wifflegif.com