Samhain and Such

Sometimes the world turns and you are disoriented. You listen. You see. You read. It all seems surreal. It feels like madness at times such as these. Terror packages. Gun fire on the faithful. Turning away the tired,  the poor, and the huddled masses. It's the dark time of year. Days grow shorter, remembrances honor ancestors,  and home brings comfort.

PxHere

That's right little goats. Staying close to home seems like a good idea.

I found joy in celebrating 20 years of marriage with my husband. I found happiness  in harvesting a great number of Brussels sprouts from our garden. I found peace in basking in the recent full moon. I found hope in replanting cuttings of a jade I rescued from a fungus. I found communion in a Polish feast prepared by my mother. I found pride in casting my ballot according to my conscience.  I found excitement in the possibility of recipes for the 16 pounds of Hubbard squash we pureed today.

The third and final harvest arrives this week. It's a time to remember and honor those who have died. It's a time to reap all that we have sown over the past months. It's a time to contemplate where and how we go into the future.

@vmos

One informs the other, right?

With all the turmoil, I wonder what others see in their futures. What paths will they tread? What will they sow? I don't know. For me though, this dark time of year feels like withdrawing. A closing of ranks to prepare my own defenses and ventures. Time to enjoy the bounty of our love, our garden, and our community.

wilfilwil.tumblr.com

May they who need it see that beacon, River Song.

Blessed be, World. May Samhain guide you through the darkness.

Max Pixel

I'd advise sticking together, Moose. Guide each other.

I Did It

I struggle with depression occasionally. All right, probably more than occasionally, but let's start with this occasionally admission and we'll go from there. Anyway, this last year with all the migraines and isolation, I felt myself withdrawing and being fearful of any kind of plan-making or commitment-scheduling. I even felt myself pulling away from dancing.

Wikimedia Commons

Yeah. You got that right, Goat.

I told myself a few years back that if I ever started withdrawing from dance, then there was a problem. Well, I started withdrawing from dance. It began just as "Oh man, I've got another fucking headache and can't make class". Then it went to "Damn! I'm so tired I should stay home from dance". To "I should not perform this session because I have a migraine/migraine hangover", "I'm too tired," or because "I don't want to embarrass myself or my teacher". She's never said anything about my performances embarrassing her mind you. That's just me and my self-conscious negative self-talk.

@pusheen

Thank the Gods I have three delightful felines who make me biscuits when this happens.

This session, I've made a more concerted effort to attend weekly classes. Even when I feel so exhausted or sore or achy or anxious or I just plain don't wanna, I have made myself go. I felt better for it. Even proud of myself. Then my teacher texted and wanted to know if I'd dance the What Women Want  Expo. I've performed there many times over the years. but not in the last two or three years for various reasons. Last year was of course the headaches and lack of balance. But this year when she texted, I accepted the invite despite my trepidation and outright fear.

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Me after I accepted the invite to perform.

Well, I practiced. I went to a rehearsal on Friday. I blacked out from a spin (something I've always done without incidence) thanks to a migraine that I was trying to overcome. I woke with the blasted migraine Friday and had been nursing it most of the day with all my therapies and meds to no avail. It was tamed a tad, but not vanquished. The blackout was scary. I thought I was going down. I didn't, but it scared me and made it clear that when I have an active migraine, spins are are off the table.

starscream-and-hutch

You captured it just right, Riker.

Saturday I awoke and that damn migraine was still there. So I took a triptan and laid back down for two hours. I had planned to practice again that morning, but that was not happening. As it was, I struggled to get myself going and into make-up by 11 am. But I did it. I made it to the expo...my husband drove though.

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Thanks, Dean. I was pretty proud of myself.

I smiled brightly, I checked and rechecked my safety pins to avoid a costume malfunction, and I performed. It felt good even though it was not my best ever. It was a personal triumph. I didn't do the spins, but the rest worked out ok. I even had one co-worker there who flattered me with many compliments. I needed the boost.

quotesgram.com

Ah! Did you get compliments too, Bubbles? 

Feels pretty good, right?

When I returned home, the migraine of course started to intensify, so I medicated and plopped down to indulge in my period soap opera drama Poldark. My husband made me some cheesy tortilla chips with jalapenos, and brought me a berry seltzer. There may have been a ginger snap cookie from our local bakery involved, too.

PrincessFairy

And kitty cuddles. You are correct Baymax.

I did it. I still think I need to call for a therapist session to address the depth of this particular depression session. My gynecologist gave me a referral list of therapists this week. I'm not interested in meds, just talking. But I did it. I showed up. I danced. I did it.

Wikimedia Commons

That's right, Moose. I'm gonna bask in it a bit longer.

The Tragedy of Belief

I've been doing a lot of thinking about belief, gender, and power lately. I'ts all been rather propelled into the foreground thanks to the recent Supreme Court confirmation. I think that this whole modern process of politicizing the Supreme Court started with Merrick Garland and it's just gotten worse as time has gone by. The Court should not be seen as partisan, and yet, here we are. As I've watched, grimaced, and railed, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on what it means to believe a survivor, to be of a certain gender, and to wield power.

maxpixel.net

You have the power of cuteness, Goat. For sure.

I believe Ford. Let's just get that straight. I believe that Murkowski took the easy way out to save her bacon by telling everyone she didn't support the nomination, while not actually proving up when the vote came down. She voted present, which was a convenient way to use the absence of Daines to her advantage. She played the coward there. I imagine that she was whipped into agreeing to say present so as not to publicly break yet again with the party. I believe that Flake, Manchin, and McConnell all need to be purged from their seats (among others).

simpsonworld.com

They've binged long enough.

I believe that Susan Collins deserves to be sent packing. I heard her opponent's site crashed due to the overwhelming traffic after Collins' speech to advance the nominee. I believe that her statement is false. She cannot believe Ford while also believing that the nominee is worthy. Ford said she was 100% sure it was Kavanaugh who assaulted her. Collins said that the investigation allowed for the possibility that Ford was assaulted, just not by Kavanaugh. If Collins truly believed Ford, then she believed the 100% positive statement and therefore couldn't advance Kavanaugh whom she'd have to see as a criminal. You can't believe Ford while believing Kavanaugh deserves a seat on the court. Unless of course, you still buy into the gender hierarchy.

Half The Picture

Yeah, that's kinda the problem right there.

I believe there is a rape culture. I believe that there is a message sent to young men now that they can exert their sexual dominance how ever they want because they will not be held to account. Too many opportunities have been given and power and belief keeps being handed over to the male offenders (specifically the white male offenders). Brock Turner anyone? Now this. Clarence Thomas got away with it because face it, his accuser was not only female, but a black female. According to the gender hierarchy, the odds were always in Thomas' favor.

Disney Pixer

It's been nearly 30 years! What. The. Actual. Fuck.

The era of two genders is fading, but not quickly enough. More genders than the binary are now identified although not always recognized by everyone. Anyone other than male and female is lower on the hierarchy and subject to even greater scorn and disbelief. Their very existence is disbelieved. It can be seen throughout history and cultures. Even my own Wiccan and Pagan beliefs identified the male and female deities. While these were just ways to name the energies that already existed and needed no label, the power hierarchy is there, too. Are they of equal balance or is the female seen as higher on the scale? Humans made them male and female as an extension of the power structure they already knew. Goddess and God perpetuates this power structure just as boys will be boys or boys hit and tease because they like you or can't you see what your accusations are doing to this poor, poor male?

CBS

See how fearful they are? Poor males feel their power being threatened.

And then upheld. 

Fuck!

I believe humans trade in power. They always have and they always will. The politicians are browbeating each other and the public with their power games. The #MeToo movement seeks to break down that power hierarchy while at the same time the status quo population desperately tries to prop it up. Often times successfully. Humans like power. They hate to feel powerless. They will tighten their grasp on the power they have even if it means trading their humanity. Continuing to believe in power structures I believe desecrates humanity. 

Burning Season 7

Isn't it interesting that when you search for desecrate, you get pictures of burning flags?

Someone should check the definition of desecrate.

I reread some passages in my Wiccan reference library today. Cunningham speaks of personal power, earth power and divine power. Personal power being the life force within us that keeps us alive. The earth power being that found in nature. This being the basis of magic works that draw on the earth energies of colors, herbs, resins, and all other natural materials in spellwork. The divine then being the combination of personal and earth power within the power that created everything. The hierarchy being with the divine at the top. Priest and priestess have the power over the rest of the coven. Long ago I eliminated the word  power from my spiritual practice and I chose solitary in order to avoid power hierarchy. It's not easy. When I trip up, I cringe.

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That is about right, Kramer.

I believe in the energy that existed before us that brought us all into being. We named that energy and thus began the power structure. We are energy, we draw energy from around us, and we are connected to that energy outside of ourselves. The law of energy conservation says that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. In Wicca, this means that we draw energy from within and combine it with energy from the earth (stones, spices, herbs, water). By doing so we transcend to a state of connectivity with everything around us. Power robs us of that connection.

reddit.com/r/reactiongifs

That kinda sums up my point, Anakin.

But how do you separate the energy of connection from the power of hierarchy? I don't believe we can. Tragically, humans like their power too damn much.

US Fish and Wildlife Service on Flickr

You should listen to her, Moose. Believe her, too.