I Did It

I struggle with depression occasionally. All right, probably more than occasionally, but let's start with this occasionally admission and we'll go from there. Anyway, this last year with all the migraines and isolation, I felt myself withdrawing and being fearful of any kind of plan-making or commitment-scheduling. I even felt myself pulling away from dancing.

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Yeah. You got that right, Goat.

I told myself a few years back that if I ever started withdrawing from dance, then there was a problem. Well, I started withdrawing from dance. It began just as "Oh man, I've got another fucking headache and can't make class". Then it went to "Damn! I'm so tired I should stay home from dance". To "I should not perform this session because I have a migraine/migraine hangover", "I'm too tired," or because "I don't want to embarrass myself or my teacher". She's never said anything about my performances embarrassing her mind you. That's just me and my self-conscious negative self-talk.

@pusheen

Thank the Gods I have three delightful felines who make me biscuits when this happens.

This session, I've made a more concerted effort to attend weekly classes. Even when I feel so exhausted or sore or achy or anxious or I just plain don't wanna, I have made myself go. I felt better for it. Even proud of myself. Then my teacher texted and wanted to know if I'd dance the What Women Want  Expo. I've performed there many times over the years. but not in the last two or three years for various reasons. Last year was of course the headaches and lack of balance. But this year when she texted, I accepted the invite despite my trepidation and outright fear.

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Me after I accepted the invite to perform.

Well, I practiced. I went to a rehearsal on Friday. I blacked out from a spin (something I've always done without incidence) thanks to a migraine that I was trying to overcome. I woke with the blasted migraine Friday and had been nursing it most of the day with all my therapies and meds to no avail. It was tamed a tad, but not vanquished. The blackout was scary. I thought I was going down. I didn't, but it scared me and made it clear that when I have an active migraine, spins are are off the table.

starscream-and-hutch

You captured it just right, Riker.

Saturday I awoke and that damn migraine was still there. So I took a triptan and laid back down for two hours. I had planned to practice again that morning, but that was not happening. As it was, I struggled to get myself going and into make-up by 11 am. But I did it. I made it to the expo...my husband drove though.

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Thanks, Dean. I was pretty proud of myself.

I smiled brightly, I checked and rechecked my safety pins to avoid a costume malfunction, and I performed. It felt good even though it was not my best ever. It was a personal triumph. I didn't do the spins, but the rest worked out ok. I even had one co-worker there who flattered me with many compliments. I needed the boost.

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Ah! Did you get compliments too, Bubbles? 

Feels pretty good, right?

When I returned home, the migraine of course started to intensify, so I medicated and plopped down to indulge in my period soap opera drama Poldark. My husband made me some cheesy tortilla chips with jalapenos, and brought me a berry seltzer. There may have been a ginger snap cookie from our local bakery involved, too.

PrincessFairy

And kitty cuddles. You are correct Baymax.

I did it. I still think I need to call for a therapist session to address the depth of this particular depression session. My gynecologist gave me a referral list of therapists this week. I'm not interested in meds, just talking. But I did it. I showed up. I danced. I did it.

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That's right, Moose. I'm gonna bask in it a bit longer.