Who Wants to be a Sick Person

Hello ladies and gentlemen and kindly viewers at home! We're here in the studio for another thrilling episode of Who Wants to be a Sick Person! In our studio tonight, we have Imma Sickntired. She's awaiting her disability claim decision after being unable to work for over a year. I bet you could really use the winnings from today's game, right Imma?

Yes, Burt.

Tell us a little about yourself, Imma.

Well, I was just living my life when one morning I was in the worst pain I'd ever felt. I couldn't move. I just sat there and cried in agony. It felt like...

Ok, that's enough about you, Imma. Don't want to bum out the viewers. Let's go ahead and get started then. Ready for your first question?

All right.

Ok everyone! Let's play Who Wants to be a Sick Person!  Here's your first question, Imma: You're at an office dinner party. The buffet is fully stocked. You approach with your small plate in hand. You see a deli meat and cheese platter, chilled oysters, toasted French bread with melted cheese, and a chocolate fountain with strawberries, marshmallows, and pound cake. What foods go on your plate?

Well, let's see. The deli meats are out because of the nitrites and nitrates. I don't like oysters, besides the heavy metals are terrible for you. The French bread sounds so good, but it'd tear up my gut. The marshmallows are too much sugar so...

Time's running out, Imma. What's your answer?

I probably can have some cheese since i reset my gut bacteria, so I'd go with a few pieces of cheese and some strawberries without the chocolate.

You are correct! While dark chocolate is ok for your gut, milk chocolate has a lot of sugar. Go easy on the cheese though. You may risk a migraine or some added hormones that would decrease your healthy gut bacteria.  Ready for your next question?

Let's do it, Burt.

Alrighty then! It's the holidays. You are supposed to bring cookies. Will you: A) replace the wheat flour with a non-wheat blend and erythritol and hope no one notices, B) Make them the way the recipe says to with refined white sugar and wheat flour, C) Make only dark chocolate almond bark.

Ummmmm, I'm going to have to go with A, Burt.

Oh, I am sorry Imma. You can't replace wheat flour with non-wheat flour especially in cookies. What the hell is erythritol anyway? You'd rather they eat a chemical than sugar? They'll always be able to tell. Then they'll be disappointed that you forced them to eat your way.
Let's try another one and see how you do. Your current treatment plan is not working as well as it used to. You've noticed that you're more sluggish, more pained, and more uncomfortable. Will you A) Google ideas from Mind Body Green, B) Use your doctor's Patient Portal to get their advice, C) Ignore it with the hope that the treatment plan starts working again.

Oh! I've been in this situation. While it's tempting to go to Dr. Google, I would...

*buzzer sounds*

I'm sorry to interrupt, Imma, but it looks like we've got a Suggestion from a Well-Meaning Friend to help you out.

Hello? Am I on the air? Imma?

Yes, ma'am you are on the air. What advice do you have for your friend, Imma?

Well, I noticed that your treatment plan was missing a really important option of essential oils. I know this other person who had what you have and she found this PlacebeEffectBlend with Lavender really helped her. That's what you should go with.

Really, because I was going to say the Patient Portal...

Oh no! Trust me this will work like a charm. It's kinda pricey, but my other friend swears by it. Totally worth the cost. You'll see.

Well, I think I'll stick with the Patient Portal, but thanks for you suggestion.

Fine. But when you're in pain next time, I'm not gonna promise I won't say, "Told ya so."

*sigh* Patient Portal, Burt.

Is that your final answer, Imma?

Final answer, Burt.

You were so close, Imma. You don't want to take up any more of the doctor's precious time when there are others who are needier than you. You should just ignore it and hope for the best, and maybe get some of those essential oils your friend talked about since your symptoms are just in your head.

Oh. Well, I thought Patient Portals were there to...

Well you thought wrong, Imma! It's time for your final question.
You're at work. You have just three more hours to go and it's important you be there until the end. You've been dealing with intense migraines for the last few days. You've already taken three triptans this week-including one this morning- so you could finish this week's project. Your vertigo has been getting worse and now, you've started the aura phase. You know the pain is coming and you can't get more triptans for two days. What do you do? Time starts now.

Well, Burt. I guess I notify my office manager that I have to go. Get materials together so my staff can fill in. Get a plan together for the next day just in case. Then get home and get to bed with all the self-care therapies I can before the pain starts.

Is that your plan?

That's my plan.

Well, let's poll the audience. Audience, please use the keypads in front of you to tell Imma your thoughts about her plan.

*cue dramatic and suspenseful music*

OK, it looks like all the answers have been tallied. Here's what the audience of strangers who know nothing about your condition outside of Excedrin commercials said you should do:

Go ask a co-worker for some Tylenol or Ibuprofen and take those. Then drink some water. Take some deep breaths and just push through to the end of the day. Maybe go outside for some fresh air and sunshine. Exercise will be good for you. If you leave, you're going to make it harder for everyone else on the staff who have to cover for you. You've likely already left work early before, so you owe them to stay. If you leave, you're just being selfish.

Well there you have it, Imma. Your plan thinks only about your health and well-being and no one else. You should stay and not let anyone else know how much pain you're really in. It's just a bad headache. Everyone's had those. I'm sorry, Imma, but looks like you didn't win the grand prize. Let's see what you lost.

The respect and support of your colleagues, your paid sick leave, and your well-meaning friend. I'm so sorry, Imma. How're feeling?

Fine. I'm fine.

That's right. We all knew you were fine and just faking it. *playful punch to the chin* Keep that chin up and good luck with that disability claim. I'm sure they'll believe you.