Bluebaru

Hello gentle readers out there in the interwebs. I took last weekend off. I had nothing really of vital necessity to write about, nothing annoying the shit out of me enough to vent online about, and nothing really deep or meaningful. So, my husband and I took off to enjoy a wee bit of nature. It was the day before spring started after all.

Yes, Goat. Spring is finally here...although in Montana, that means there still will be snow at some point.

We took off mainly because we had just bought a new car: a bright blue Subaru Outback. I love it. I've never bought a new car from a dealer before, and I think I did fairly well. I emailed with dealers around the area. If they didn't email me back or tried calling me when I expressly said not to, they were disqualified. I was getting close to buying one about 3 hours away, but Subies are popular and they go fast. Missed out on that one. There was one about 90 minutes away, but it wasn't the right color. It was red. Red jacks up your insurance. Frankly, I also figured this was my first ever purchase, and I wasn't going to settle for some other color. It had to be blue.

That's right, Pusheen. I was going to wait until that blue one came along.

Then one popped up here in town. So I emailed the dealer about it. I got a peppy call back. Oops. Forgot to tell them in my email not to call. After that though, he did email as a follow up and we communicated that way from then on. It was blissful and suited my schedule.

That's right, Kermit. If we were going to do this, it was going to be on my terms.

Once it seemed like a really good idea, I started shopping around for loans. I actually got turned down by one credit union. I was a bit taken aback. They said they couldn't verify my employment. What? Did you even try asshats? I work for the school district. Verifying my employment is easy. Anyway, I got approved through 2 other credit unions,  but the interest rate was much higher at my credit union, the one I've been with since I was 13. I thought, "Hmmm, that's not going to work." I emailed my credit union and let them know I really wanted to go through them, but that another CU had come in under their interest rate. Low and behold, my CU said they'd match the other one. To which I replied that the dealer was going as low as 1.99. This is true. They did quote that. And guess what? My CU then said they could do 1.9%. Ha! If you don't negotiate a lower interest rate, you're missing out. I know some big banks can do 0%, but I don't want a big bank. I don't want to feed into that system. Besides, it wasn't through the Subie dealer here either. Consequently, 1.9% was really the best I was going to get.

Thanks, little turtle. I felt like clapping for me, too.

Anyway, the price on the Subie was also about two grand under blue book. I got a good deal all around. Funny enough, the fellow who sold me the car looked about 16, but he happened to be the son of a man I used to work with. Small world. I made sure to thank him profusely for all of his hard work and for being so forthright and not being pushy. He was great. He also wears bow ties every Friday. I appreciate a good bow tie.

I know you do, Doctor.

If you even noticed I didn't blog last week, this is why. We took our new Subie out for a highway run to a nearby water fowl preserve to watch the snow geese. We went about an hour out of town and tested the cruise control. I haven't used that in a long time. It's pretty cool. We tested the sound system. I love the bass. We tried out the heated seats. I don't know how I ever got along without them. It's ours. It's blue. It's beautiful. I made it happen. Rather proud of my accomplishment. One week on and absolutely love driving it.

That's right, Moose. That's the face I make every time I get to drive the Subie.

Have You Had Your Daily Dose of Gender Bullshit?

This weekend I went to see Niyaz in concert. The music was astounding and they invited us to dance while they played. So I did. I felt wonderful and alive and beautiful! They ended far too soon, but it meant that my friends and I got to hit the highway back home earlier, which meant we'd be home before midnight. Woohoo! On the way home though, my one friend mentioned that she and another friend have been tossing around doing Cabaret. They want the Kit Kat Girls to be drag queens, which I think as a concept is fantastic. My friend wants to direct it and said that she thought I'd make a great Sally. Uffda! That's huge. She surprised me with that idea. In my head, I was thinking, "I wonder who they want for Sally. They need a person with a lot of vocal and dance talent for that." Definitely not me in other words. However, as I was processing this bit of info, she added that her husband (who was driving) said I was too old. What the actual fuck?

You heard right, Goat. Too old. I wish he was joking.

I can think of plenty of reasons I should not be Sally, but my age ain't one of them. After all, Natasha Richardson was 35 I think when she tore up the role on Broadway. Seriously? My age is not the reason. If the Kit Kat Girls can be drag queens, then I could play Sally if I had enough confidence in my voice.Well hello there sexist, ageist bullshit. I've not missed you one iota. Especially not from a friend.

I agree, Giraffe. Fuck off on the age excuse buddy.

Then I wake up after the stupid time change (spring forward sucks ass) only to see reports of some idiot humping the statue of the defiant girl standing in front of the Wallstreet bull. Well who didn't see this coming? I did as soon as they announced the installation. Some idiot somewhere was bound to do this. Drunk or sober, someone was bound to do this because people suck, men are stupid, and sexism still exists. His only regret will be that someone caught him on film so he will always be the guy who humped the girl statue. Do I really need to go into why this man was wrong to do what he did? Do I really have to point out that it was a statue of a young girl and so his inappropriate gyrations is akin to acting out sexually assaulting a child? That's horrifying. People should be outraged by this and should not excuse it was a drunken indiscretion that harms no one. It does harm people. It does send a clear message that sexual assault and feminism are nothing more than a punchline for douche bags like this guy to mock with rapey behavior. Females are objects of sex in societies all over. Years and years of telling girls that he hits you because he likes you and boys will boys creates a culture where this kind idiocy is ok. Got news for you: it's not ok. 

Owl disapproves of attempts to excuse this asshat's behavior.

My friend who wants to do Cabaret then sent me an article link about this guy who couldn't figure out why his clients were suddenly being cold and questioning all his ideas in his emails. Turns out he shared a mailbox with a female colleague and was inadvertently signing his emails with her electronic signature. He was shocked. I wasn't. His colleague wasn't. It's kind of a big "Duh!" actually. Still, he sent a few emails to test his theory and signed some with his and some with hers only to discover that emails with the same content were received differently depending on the gender of the signature. Well golly gee! Thanks for validating what women have been saying all along. Thanks for opening your eyes to what gender studies have been reporting for eons. Hey look, everybody! It's everyday sexism right there in your inbox!

Pondering bear ponders the truths of yet one more man discovering that maybe listening to women is a good idea. Now that a man has said it, I'm sure it will all change. 

Then today, this vile piece of clickbait came along my newsfeed. I liked a page some time ago because they post thought-provoking quotations that I frequently enjoy and sometimes use as my profile banners, but this one was different. It was a body frame and weight chart for women. According to it, I am overweight, which is bullshit. This image was more than a little bit promoting the idea of  being smaller is better and females best be mindful of their weight because we weigh on average 20 pounds more than the average female a generation ago. Well, our diets are different and contain more processed ingredients, but the weights on this chart are definitely low for those heights, and BMI has been fairly well debunked as an indicator of health. Furthermore, why the fuck is a site that posts famous and thought-provoking quotations posting this bullshit? Just when I was calming down from that one, it got worse. Today the site posted something from 2013 about how a woman's butt shape is an indicator of health. What? I sensed the stupid was strong with this one, but again. Why the hell was this page posting such drivel? So I clicked it to find out what the hell this was all about only to be taken to a truly clickbait site. They were all sketches of female butts because this article was "especially for females" after all. Butt shape as a predictor has nothing to do with health warnings, but oh man! If your butt is shaped like an H, you're carrying to much extra fat in your love handles and you better get to the gym and do some squats. That's what this article was all about--the shape of your butt isn't right, means you have too much fat on this area, and you need to go address that problem right away in the gym. I unliked the page and stopped following it. I'm not up for the occasional body shaming in my timeline. If they want to stick to inspirational or profound quotations, that's cool. Telling me my butt needs work because it's not the right shape? Well, they can just fuck off. I don't need that bullshit in my life. 

White kitteh is annoyed and suggests Word Porn fuck the right off.

It's 2017 and this is still happening. It's 2017 and women will still be fighting this stupid bullshit for years to come. It's 2017 and people want to believe that equal rights are just fine and there's nothing to worry about and women should just stop complaining already! Guess what? Sexism, misogyny, rape culture--it's here to stay from what I can see. I don't want to believe that, but when it's 2017 and friends make comments about age rather than the obvious "She can't sing well enough" and men feel entitled to rub their junk on a statue of a child for a laugh or are just shocked by how women are treated at work and stupid sites post clickbait about how women's bodies will never be good enough, we haven't accomplished the goal of eliminating gender inequality. Everyday sexism people. It's here. It's not leaving. It's bullshit.

Bet mama moose has to go back to work soon because she doesn't have paid maternity leave.

March 8

From where I sit, I see tufts of cat hair and debris on the hardwood. I see dishes on the kitchen counter and in the sink. Over my shoulder, I can see the laundry spilling out of the small basket by the door. I know there is dried toothpaste in the bathroom sink. On an ordinary day, I'd have cleaned all of those things before doing much of anything else. In fact, I'd have cleaned the house before going to work as well as a little after work, but today I didn't go to that paid work gig I have either. It's International Women's Day, so I stayed home.

That's right goat. I am on strike today.

Consequently, I have been doing a few things in honor of the day and its purpose.

I'm wearing red glasses for instance. If I was going out and about for any reason, I'd be wearing red, but I am home and not getting out of my robe. Red glasses are it for now. Red is the color of the day because it is associated with passion, and I am passionate about women's rights not just here in Montana, but in the world. When millions of girls are denied access to education, I feel compelled to support them and wearing red is a visible way to show that...if I were going outside. So I'll wear red glasses for my cats and my own edification. If I hadn't been granted a personal day for today, I would've been decked from head to foot in red by the goddesses!

Umm, that's not quite what I meant.

I've also been listening to the Tori Amos station on Pandora. She's one of the truly strong feminine voices I listened to in college. I love her music. I also get Regina Spektor, Florence + The Machine, and Fiona Apple. This music speaks to me in a way others just don't hit. They are pained, empowered, unapologetic anthems of femaleness. 

She's simply divine.

The organizers of this Women's Strike also thought we should be sure to take time to ourselves, so I played Diablo 3 for a bit. Ok, so it was more like a few hours, but that's beside the point. I got my monk through Torment V and she's ready for her final torment. Then I'll go back and work on my barbarian or witchdoctor. I don't know which, but I like that I am keeping my all female ensemble.

Tigerlilly is badass.

Another thing I've done is research women's topics and fill my timeline with the results. I tried to find transcripts from the Women's March on Montana, but I could not locate any. I contacted the event organizer to see if someone may be working on it. I want to read them and study them. They play a role in my life and the lives of all Montanans. Maybe it's the teacher in me, but I also feel the need to share stories about acid attack survivors in Bangladesh reclaiming their beautiful selves. I further posted about the International Rescue Committee who allow you to pay the tuition for a young girl to go to school for a year. I found a photo essay of young girls from around the world walking to school. Personally, I thought the ones from Moscow were oddly sexualized...reminiscent of the sexy French Maid costumes you see at Halloween around here. I tried not to be judgey about it, but it definitely stands out in my memory as not being quite like the others. One of my favorite sites, I Fucking Love Science, posted a video of famous female scientists; many of them sadly had their breakthroughs stolen and published by men. Fuckers! I knew some of the names like Hypatia. One of my favorites was a TED Talk about why America needs paid maternity leave. Honestly. How the fuck do we not have this? Of course, even if we had it before January 2017, we'd have lost it or it'd be in jeopardy with the Tangerine Shart in office.  

I can't whenever I think of that asshat! He just creeps in and I get angsty and swear a lot.

Anyway, I also took some action on financial independence. I had to verify our tax return to the state due to new identity theft precautions that add over a month's wait time to your return. (insert grrr face) I also balanced the finances. Then I opened the online savings account I've been hemming and hawing about since last year. I may also look at getting my +30 credits so I am maxed out on the pay scale. You see, I am one of those nasty women who are the primary breadwinner in the household. I'm not a finance guru by any means, but I'm learning and figuring out how to make things better for us. Financial independence is something that not a lot of women have, so I appreciate it and intend to make the most of it so we have some security for retirement.

Kitty is rollin' in those singles.

I've also signed a bunch of petitions for causes like Planned Parenthood, the Affordable Care Act, education policy, environmental issues, and civil rights. Whew! So many petitions. There's also the contacting the representatives that needs to happen. Since our stupid heads of state want to introduce a national school voucher system and provide absolutely no safeguards for students with disabilities of whom I work with every day, I again must make some phone calls and send some emails.  At least our state legislature did indeed vote down that measure to allow teachers and staff to conceal carry in school. Dodged that bullet.

Yes, I did that Emma. Bad pun timing?

I did some digging on my health as well. As any of my readers would know by now, I went off Topamax, but then the question became, "What now?" Well, now I get Lamictal. It too has a step up to the dosage-- bit longer than Topamax, but after a week, no weird flavors or odd side effects. Here's hoping that keeps up. I also get to start Benlysta soon for my lupus. I'm a wee bit nervous about a biologic, but it's an actual medication just for lupus, not one of those meds that is made for some other purpose but seems to help or ease lupus. I have to get infusions though. Not really what I'm looking forward to, but it's supposed to really help with the fatigue and the sores in the nose and mouth, so I'm game. It's important to take care of your health and manage it accordingly, so taking time to look into these fits right into the day's purpose I think. I recognize and appreciate the fact that I have access to this healthcare and these choices. My neurologist and rheumatologist are both women. They really listen better and I feel more like I've had an honest discussion rather than a rush in and get the fuck out kind of appointment. I really value the care they provide. I trust them. I owe them big thanks and shouts out for their care. 

That's right, Baymax. It's like a big hug after I see them.

I'm well aware that some people will think this strike is silly, unnecessary, and selfish. Fuck them. Really. I will tell people why I participated if they ask. I will tell them how I spent my day. However, if they're just asking to mock or cajole or ridicule the idea and my participation, fuck them. When equal pay is at risk in our country and the pay gap is not expected to be closed for another 150 years, we've got to keep people active. When the people in Washington are overhauling the Affordable Care Act so people in their 50s and 60s are negatively affected at a time when their health becomes more complicated and they're supposed to be closing in on retirement, we need to be supportive. When the overhaul also includes a defunding of Planned Parenthood which means that women, especially women of color, will lose access and the choice to meet their health needs with professionals they trust, we have to make our presence known. When girls have to walk through war ravaged areas, cling to slippery rocks along a river, or risk rape and human slavery every time they try to go to school, we have got to raise our voices. I know that my position and my status as a white, somewhat middle class woman offers me the privilege to stay home. Therefore it is important that I not take advantage of it. I must not take it for granted. I must not allow it to turn my head in silence while others are beaten down. We've still got a long road to go before we're done.

Keep on, keepin' on, Moose.

Montana: Big Screwed State

I live in an absolutely beautiful state. In this state, we have access to any number of outdoor activities and natural wonders that I appreciate. My state is also one of the largest in the union, but with one of the smallest populations.  When I take time to scroll through news stories and I see Montana pop up, I always pause to read the content as Montana's history in the national spotlight consists in many memories as the place where the Unibomber hid out and that crazy lady killed her new husband on their honeymoon. People forget about the cool stuff like Jeannette Rankin. This week I have found all kinds of scary stuff coming out about the state legislature, though. Some of it is leaking into the national discourse making us look ridiculous.

Yes, Goat. I'm giving them the side-eye, too.

One that's not quite there at the national level though is the fact that once again the legislature has decided not to fund special education. This should be in the national spotlight since we now have an education secretary who does not believe in the administrative sate of equal protection under the law for students with disabilities to receive a free and appropriate public education. This was part of her statements prior to confirmation, so look it up. One of the favorite arguments is that state and local governments should be deciding and paying for things like this, not the federal government. Well, this is why federal protections were in place--because states won't do it! I teach students with disabilities. My district is facing a shortfall on their budget that might mean cuts in jobs among other things. Follow that line from federal down to my district and it means my students who are already at risk, are at greater risk. What will be left to ensure they receive an education? The answer for some is charter schools, which only help deepen the divide between have and have-nots. In a vast expanse of rural districts, charters aren't practical. They also help to further segregate. Charters help to further push those students out of public school into strip mall schools where they won't count on drop out rates nor will they count against testing measures for a successful school, but according to one source I read today from propublica.com entitled "'Alternative' Education: Using Charter Schools to Hide Dropouts and Game the System" my students might simply be brushed out the door and left to an absolutely horrible stare at computer and never get a high school diploma school. But they'll be gone so other schools will look really good on paper. An increasing number of students with autism are coming through school doors now and what will happen to them under this? Their intelligence, gifts, and needs will be ignored. Rather than bringing them into society, we'll force them back to the institutionalized system of bygone years. It's shameful and I admonish my legislature for being a part of the system to allow it to happen.

Yup, makes me want to throttle someone.

The current legislature is tackling school safety though. They've advanced a bill that would allow concealed carry on school campuses including public elementary schools. I blame DeVos for this, too. That whole grizzly bear comment just added fuel to the stupid debate. We actually did have a bear in a Bozeman school, but you know what? The school's lockdown procedure saved them while wildlife management agencies were able to secure and remove the bear without shots being fired. Yet, the legislature thinks we need weapons on campus in the hands of trained staff. Those heroes will be able to take down an armed intruder no problem in their delusional narrative. Fuck that! How many experts need to tell us that access to guns just means more likelihood of the gun used in an accident? I'm sure any of those parents of toddlers who wound up killing their sibling, cousin, or playmate thought they could manage the firearms, too. But hell! Let's just put them right into a school like mine where early in my teaching career a young person walked in, went to the bathroom, and committed suicide. Seriously? He brought that from home, but if there are guns on campus that aren't in the hands of our School Resource Officer (a policeman who is supposed to be armed) it wouldn't take long for the teenage network to discover who has a gun and where it's kept. Armed civilians won't make it safer for anyone. I for one will feel less safe. I get anxiety when I see people open carry at the pharmacy--I don't want to know my colleagues have guns in their classrooms! When a gun is available, that's where the mind and body reach to resolve conflicts. That's how our high numbers of spousal murder-suicides happen. What in the fuck's sake are these people thinking? The reassuring notion is that our democratic governor is unlikely to pass such rubbish. Oh! And they did opt for concealed carry upon review rather than the initial open carry, but they did say that someone could conceal their weapon even if they don't have a background check or permit. What the actual fuck people?

Me, too. If safety is the goal, none of this makes any sense. 

Along with the stupidity of concealed carry in schools, they also saw fit to decide that LGBTQ students don't need protection. This is part of the wider state proposal to include LGBTQ under the non-discrimination clause. I got news for anyone who thinks that LGBTQ individuals are already included--they aren't. The laws that are there currently don't spell it out, and with the whole religious freedom debate, these individuals are at even more risk. The idea that adding LGBTQ specifically somehow opens the door to any minority in the future to be added is a good thing! That is not an argument against as one person from my home city testified. The rights afforded in the Constitution are not absolute--we are supposed to expand and redefine them as our country grows and changes. Well guess what? LGBTQ people have waited long enough. When a former student of my school speaks up and says that she's been told someone "doesn't rent to her kind," that pisses me off. That tells me that without redefining who is protected, people like her and her family will experience that kind of discrimination over and over again. One person in the legislature actually invoked "the will of God" as an argument against expanding non-discrimination to include LGBTQ people. Until all citizens are specifically protected, no one is truly equal. Your religious argument is invalid.

No! Wrong direction. Turn it around!

On a non-education topic, the legislature is also very concerned about abortion rights. We made national news because of the 24 week abortion ban that they advanced and how the application of it also means that doctors would have to resuscitate fetuses. Again, law makers are trying to put in place laws about things they don't seem to grasp. Number one, late-term abortions are exceedingly rare.  According to he Huffington Post article, less than 2%. I think that follows with a NARAL article I read as well. When it was pointed out that the lawmaker who introduced this bill was an orthopedist, not an obstetrician, he said he "blushed" too much during that rotation to become an Ob-Gyn. WTH, dude? If you couldn't make it through medical rounds without blushing, maybe you should just step aside and let people who actually understand the way this works concern themselves with reproductive health rights. This bill would make it a felony for a doctor to perform an abortion after 20 weeks for any reason--including harm to both mom and fetus. That's right, if the mom is at risk of dying, the doctor would have to deliver that baby by some means and resuscitate it if needed or face jail time and loss of all rights upon release because he or she has a felony record. Fuck off you fucking fuckers! Again, thankfully we have a democratic governor who is not going to sign that bill when it comes to his desk. I shudder what would happen should we get a GOP in that office though. Our last GOP governor was an embarrassment, but she was an Olympian. No really. Look her up. Judy Martz.

That's right, Red. She was a bonafide dumbass just like these people.

Furthermore, Montana made national news due to our need to replace Ryan Zinke in the house. Since he is likely to join the Tangerine Shart in D.C. as part of the cabinet, our one seat in congress is vacant. Since we had to do a reprint of all the ballots for the November election due to a candidate's untimely demise, our counties are all more than a little poor right now. They have suggested a mail in ballot since that will save considerable money. The head of the MT Republican party though encouraged individuals to vote nay on this idea since Democrats are apparently more engaged with mail-in elections. Can you believe this? He's worried they might lose, so he wants the counties to shell out more money they don't have. How's that for fiscal responsibility? Asshat! The good news is that the MT Senate passed the bill for a mail in election despite his opposition. It's not a for sure thing yet, but at least the Senate rejected the absurdity of the GOP chairman's argument.

That's right, Colbert. Cross your fingers that there's hope.

Ultimately this week in legislative news form MT, the Montana Senate wrapped up early. No. Really. They got so much done last week, that they get to go to break early. While getting shit done is a good thing, when I look at the shit they did, I want to scream. I can only hope that when these lawmakers return home, they also have town-halls like their counterparts in D.C. did and they hear what the students, teachers, parents, LGBTQ community, women, and men, AKA Montanans, think about their job performance so far. I know I'll be sending out some emails and faxes and also making some phone calls. It all starts at the local level, right?

Back to Helena in March.

Sayonara, Topamax!

I. Am. Free.
It feels good.

Enjoy it, Goat. 

This is my first weekend free of Topamax. I couldn't make it another month. Technically, they say 2-3 months to get full effect. I say fuck that if it means everything tastes weird, I have more headaches on it than off it, I can't enjoy sex, and I contemplate suicide.

That's what I said, NPH!

I went to see my doctor for a follow-up after the ear, nose, and throat person determined that my dizzy spells were likely migraine related and I should see a neurologist. Thanks for the validation. I already knew that, but apparently we had to go through all that again just to be sure. Anyway, I decided my doctor and I were going to talk this through as the last two visits felt more like how fast could he clear me out of the room instead of a consult regarding my health, which is very important to me.

You're telling me?!? At least you and I see it things the same way, NPH.

I told him how things were going. I told him I didn't think the Topamax was that great. I told him that food and drink didn't taste right and that my appetite had really dropped off. He checked my weight. He sounded surprised at the 12 pound loss in two months. He knows that I had been trying to drop the extra pounds I put on after my neck surgery, so I think he was hoping I'd be pleased. He mentioned that weight loss was a side effect. I replied, "I know. But I like my food to taste like it should, not metallic." He nodded and looked again at the computer screen.

Ok, not my best argument, Riker. Fine. 

Then I thought I should tell him that it was having the opposite effect that it's supposed to have. That seemed fairly persuasive to me. I showed him my migraine app that showed over 20 headache days (24 on the first month of Topamax) when the month prior to starting Topamax I had 5. He replied, "I don't think we should give up on it just yet. It can take awhile." I told him I knew that, but that there were other troubling issues besides the sharp increase in headaches. The increase in headaches were also driving me to rely on my Maxalt, which just breeds rebound headaches. He concurred and suggested that I start taking ibuprofen 30 minutes after taking my Maxalt. While my blood doctor has approved me for up to 8 ibuprofen a day, taking that much just to control my migraines worried me. I told my doctor that when I increased my ibuprofen after the surgery, I experienced an increase in nasty mystery bruises and nose bleeds. While I heard what he was saying and was willing to try it, it just seemed to be passing the buck--making one condition worse while supposedly making the other better. At this point, I was really proud of myself for continuing to speak up. It was also nice that he seemed to actually be listening this time.

Party on, Wayne.

Then I told him about the sexual side effects. This didn't faze him a bit. Didn't even look up at me or give indication that it was concerning. Dammit! We were connecting and I thought I was getting through. Apparently my being female means sex isn't a big deal. Maybe he didn't find the inability to climax to be an inconvenience. Perhaps he didn't think that going three weeks without even the slightest hint of desire was a big deal. Maybe he's impotent and didn't see why I should be concerned. I don't know, but I told him this was definitely not like me. I'm not one to be so completely disinterested in sex. He barely blinked.

I know, Dean. WTH?

Fine. Time to break out the big guns. I told him I don't like the way it makes me think being dead would be better than being alive. He asked if they were fleeting. I told him the first two were. They scared me, but I was able to halt the thoughts and recognize that they weren't what I wanted, and I returned to my regular activities. He reiterated that he didn't think we should stop the Topamax yet. I told him I disagreed. I told him that while maybe the flavors in food would even out once I was on the full dose long enough, I didn't enjoy the lack of sex. I didn't enjoy the burst of pain I seemed to have all the time, and it was definitely impacting my day to day life. I told him the suicidal thoughts were scaring me. He said, "I thought you said they were fleeting?" I said, "The first two. Let me tell you about the one over the weekend." I proceeded to tell him about how as my husband and I were Netflixing on the sofa, I started thinking about how much simpler everything would be if I were dead. I thought poison would be best. I ruled out a razor because while effective given my bleeding disorder, I just didn't want someone to have to clean up that mess. We don't have a gun, and I really didn't feel like trying to get one because why violate my belief system just to die. So I settled on poison. It'd be simple to find, easy to put into my tea, and I'd just drift off to sleep. I even began to think about if there was poison in the house, say in the basement with the plant and garden supplies. Maybe under the sink. Bug killer and whatnot. This one was more detailed and had elements of a plan and it scared the crap out of me. He went to his computer and looked up side effects and found that Topamax indeed had warnings of suicidal thoughts. This seemed to convince him that Topamax was not right for me. I began tapering off of it the next day.

That's right, NPH. Happy dance is on!

Thus ended my relationship with Topamax. I came home Friday and had a beer for the first time in two months. That was a damn fine beer.  I can drink again, but I do believe I need to be cautious about over doing it. No need to ruin the moderation idea I've built up. Food is starting to taste normal again. We had tacos last night that actually tasted like tacos should: delicious. My husband and I have had sex three times this weekend. I can orgasm again. I've not had a single suicidal thought. According to my migraine app I've been headache free for 4 days. Funny, I took my last Topamax 4 days ago.

Nah. I don't think it's coincidence either.

Little Reminders

Yesterday, my husband was out working on his truck. It seemed that the fuel pump had given up. He had been riding my bike to work as the weather had turned nicer and the troubleshooting he'd done on his truck had not as of yet yielded a solution to his truck's woes. While he worked, no less than three neighbors came out to help him. One man has known my hubby since hubs was a kid. The other fellow had previously loaned us his paint sprayer so we could paint our house. Nice guy. The other gentleman from across the street is older and has COPD, but he came out to help anyway. He's actually the one who figured out the relay switch was bad so instead of a whole new fuel pump, we paid less than $15 bucks for a relay. (Thanks, Ernie!) I could hear them talking and at times letting out mighty guffaws and there was even Canadian beer shared. It was one of those moments of Americana that we pride ourselves on. Neighbor helping neighbor. Coming together to help another person out. No one calling anyone a racist, a bigot, or a snowflake. Just people being kind to one another.

That's right, Goat. It was a lovely reminder of the important things in life. Moment of gratitude.

I feel like these kinds of stories need to be shared more as the political climate gets even more contentious. We've got a leader who lies, makes reference to made-up attacks abroad and at home to scare people, refuses to comply with ethics expectations that might hinder his use of the office as a money making scheme, and who has succeeded in deepening the gap between left and right in a way even Obama couldn't have done. I'm not afraid of changes--when one party takes over the leadership chnage is to be expected. However, these changes and the blatant misinformation and ethical quagmire of the current administration is mind-boggling. How are we going to endure four years of this?

Whelp. Ugly cry is one solution I guess. Been there. Done that.

I read an opinion piece about how the division in the county now is like a divorce ("The National Divorce" Aaron Loeb February 5, 2017). That the separation that started between the parties when President Clinton was impeached for a blowjob started the rift and that rift has only grown to the current state of things that leaves us with irreconcilable differences and divorce the only answer. *sigh* I can't help but point out the irony of people who remark about Clinton being an embarrassment to the office for getting a blowjob when the current Oval resident has appeared in pornos including golden shower type flicks, but ok. You wanna talk short term memory about how Bill Clinton's State of the Union speech contained almost identical policy points as the Fake Tan Commander? Well, maybe keep looking for comparisons and explain how someone reconciles the cigar shame to the pee shame while you're at it. Can we all just set aside the ridiculous Puritanical views on sex and accept that sex is part of who we are? I suppose that's a rant for another day. Anyway, that whole SoU speech comparison is a red herring as far as I'm concerned. It's something that people are clinging to in order to justify current immigration policy even though those policies were from 20 years ago and have been criticized (The Salon April 27, 2016 "Bill Clinton's Shameful Legacy on Immigration...") by those on the left for being harsh and detrimental to the family. As we learn, we adapt and change views. We liberals haven't forgotten, we've just recognized that the policy wasn't that great and should not be repeated kind of like Don't Ask, Don't Tell getting tossed out because it was not a good policy to continue. It got LGBTQ discussions and rights started again, but it was definitely not a place to stay or revisit. Also, Obama deported scores of people; the idea that leftists are soft on immigration is nonsense. They even gave him the nickname Deporter in Chief. Lack of faith in tougher immigration policy is not the issue here. Divisive rhetoric, old policy that made matters worse, and a Whitehouse that seems to legitimize White Nationalist views on immigration are. It sickens me that when I go to read opposing viewpoints on topics I am directed to Breitbart. No! That cannot represent conservative stances and conservatives should be loud in denouncing it. That's not news, but rather tabloid loudmouths who are no better than shockjocks. It's not a legitimate news source like The Hill or The Wallstreet Journal or The Economist. 

Seriously. Calling Breitbart a "conservative news source" is like calling this guy a misunderstood wayward son. Lucifer loves when we have sympathy for him.

This morning I re-read a piece by Jo Confino on Huffington Post from earlier this week entitled "A Zen Master's Advice on Coping with Trump". I've been looking for advice on how to navigate these choppy new waters I feel our country has been cast adrift in. Not being one much for praying, I thought maybe a Zen master might have insight. The article mentioned some of what I expected. Ideas like meeting anger with more anger accomplishes nothing were not a big surprise to find. I expected that. I knew that. The reminder is good though. Balancing of course came up, too; you need to balance the onslaught of information with mindfulness in order to rest and refresh. A quotation that I take to heart speaks of finding your own center rather than just reacting. I frequently see things that get my ire going, but if I can pause, breathe, consider, and then return from a place of peacefulness, I feel have a more rational discourse. The part though that will challenge all of us is the idea of he is me; there is no other. Recognizing that the person is not opposite or separate from ourselves, but rather we all possess those elements within ourselves is a tough one to accept in this situation. Trying to see parts of the Tanned Tangerine within myself is a difficult journey. It makes me queasy quite honestly. However, thinking of it as being consciously aware when we tell even white lies or speak meanly of another person or condone bullying behavior is recognizing his behavior in myself. I want to act against those things that I find abhorrent in him, I have to recognize them in myself and eradicate them within first. Goodness knows I cannot eradicate them in him. Only he can do that. 

I am a graceful crane. I am a graceful crane. I am a graceful crane dammit!

As I reflect on the kindness of our neighbors, I realize that I don't know their political views. I know that one of them is in the military, but beyond that I haven't a clue. None of them have bumperstickers or posted signs in their yards. They've truly been nothing but kind to us, and I hope we've been kind in return. I can't help but feel that if we are going to get through this incredible divide, we are going to have to look for moments like these. We're going to have to recognize that every bit of vitriol and untruth that issues forth from the mouths of our leadership needs to tempered with critical analysis. It needs to be considered and evaluated. We also need to monitor ourselves for our own muckraking and spreading of false information. Whether our neighbors are red or blue doesn't matter right now. What matters is that they came out and supported us when we needed it. We need more of that. A lot more.

Like a moose swimming in a deep lake, I shall persist.

Where Has My Humor Gone

I may be losing my sense of humor.

I feel ya, Bert.

I used to enjoy political satire. When I worked overnights, I tuned in to Comedy Central and watched Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert among others. Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update was my favorite segment of the evening. Now though, I find little to laugh at. I am tense. I am worried. I don't think belittling jokes or calling people names is helping the situation.

I loved this one in particular.

A friend of mine posted a t-shirt yesterday about "America's Fragile Snowflakes". I posted a comment asking if she really found it funny. She did. She's bought into the PC is evil narrative. She believes that Millennials and safe spaces are ridiculous. She posted a clip from Milo Yiannopoulos' page of a stand-up about being offended and found it humorous. I got a knot in my stomach. This saddens me, so I told her so. She didn't comment back or ask me why I felt that way, so I dropped it. But it eats at me. If the snowflake is "just a joke," I don't get it. It seems to me like a way to shut down conversations. It's a way to diminish the other side's argument so you don't have to listen to what they have to say. It's a direct barb directed at people like me, and she--a person who is a self-described empath--doesn't seem to be bothered at all by this. But it's all just online, so it's no big right? Toughen up and stop being a whiny liberal. You call the conservatives bigots, racists, and misogynists, so just take a dose of your own medicine. Maybe I'm assuming too much in her particular case, but I have read those ideas on other sites and in other articles from other mouths who also use terms like snowflake to scorn the progressive ideals. It troubles me greatly to hear them from someone who I have bonded with over Dr. Who, and camping, and witchy things, and absurd British comedies.

I'm confused, too, David. 

Zooming out to a larger scope, here's the thing: I call Trump those things because he has been caught on record more than once saying hateful, awful things that should disturb decent, empathetic people. Yet, he gets a pass. He says blatant misogynistic comments about sexual assault and "it's just locker room talk". He makes fun of a disabled person, lies about it, and people look the other way. He institutes a ban on Muslims--and it is a ban; let's not sugarcoat it--based on a lie about a massacre that didn't happen--don't you dare try and call it anything other than a lie--and he's heralded for it. Yes, anyone who is comfortable and accepts these things is therefore comfortable with misogyny, bigotry, and racism. I am not. Calling people who stand against his rhetoric and speak up for those whose voices are being silenced or marginalized snowflakes is not only insulting, it is simply a snide way of deepening an already deeply divided and hurting public. That hurt should make an empath weep.

Even Arnold gets it.

I read several articles this morning and among them were many opposing viewpoints. Some contained perspectives from Trump supporters and opinions of why people accept the lies and others criticized the throwing about the term fascist and Hitler when referring to Trump. I think it's important to maintain some balance and I do teach my students to consider the opposing viewpoints. I should practice what I preach, right? In one blog, it mentioned we shouldn't call our presidents Hitler when we don't agree with them because we might just miss the real thing when it comes along. OK, I get that--it's the crying wolf argument; however, I do think watching cautiously and holding Trump accountable for his disdain of checks-balances is important. He may not have walked into office with his own army like Hitler did, but he is upholding a Neo-Nazi in a key position of power. That's cause enough for concern. That is not normal and should not happen. Besides, this was a blog post, and according to Politifact, bloggers have a nasty tendency to rate "pants on fire" with their truthiness. While I can consider his points, his facts must be met with skepticism if not properly cited and vetted because to be clear: alternative facts are just lies.

Yes, Point of Order Goat, I realize that this is a blog, but I never claimed to be anything more than that. This is my personal blog. Period.

I read another article that reported on how Trump is not a fascist, but a champion of the forgotten millions. It's on The Guardian if you're interested. It mentioned how he got in the Oval because the voters didn't want an elitist. Umm....here's the thing about that. He may not be career politics nor hereditary politician like Clinton or Bush, but he is damn sure an elite. To think otherwise is just ridiculous. He's also positioned nothing but elites in his cabinet. Business elites. He's not even a successful business elite. He's declared bankruptcy and been sued for crying out loud! Fraud. Hello? Anyone remember that little tidbit? If this is "draining the swamp," it's not going to make things better for those "forgotten millions." I do not doubt that Trump knows how to play the social media game and he seems to understand how to play the public in the era of reality TV, but now he's got his tiny hands on the Presidential Seal. He can take the progress that's been made and ruin it for everyone. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves. Believe it or not, the economy recovered and grew with Obama. With Trump, we easily could face another disaster especially now that Dodd-Frank is rolled-back.

Yup, that's kind of the way the argument goes. Up: down, right:left, in:out...

Other viewpoints criticized the Women's March as pointless and feeble and unnecessary. One person even said it was nothing more than a "mommy's-liberal-baby snowflakes that are used to having their way. It's like your spoiled kid not used to being told no." That's from a Guardian article "'I love Trump. He's doing what he said.' President's supporters keep the faith." Whelp, here's the thing about that. Not all who marched were mommys. Not all who marched were liberal. I think people who dismiss the Women's March like this didn't read the march's focus statement. In that statement, it mentioned that it was for not only women's rights, but for racial equality, labor equality, healthcare access, science acceptance, disability advocacy, and sexual identity. It was a unifying march. It was so much more than just gender equality. Furthermore, while many have said that women have equal status and can get what they want, "men aren't standing in their way" (same article) if you believe that it's ok to grab a woman by the pussy because hey! who hasn't? Then that's not equality. (Again, that's from the same article.) Additionally, the people who marched knew what was coming. The upheaval that has ensued since Trump took the helm shows that the march was needed. While a lot of progress in human rights has been made, Trump has proven how easily those rights can be erased. The global gag rule is one. The removal of Environmental Protection Agency regulations is another. The upcoming changes with  union busting is another. Calling for military action against protesters and demonstrations? Jesus people! How are you not outraged by what is happening to your fellow human beings?

Pretty much me every time I read something in the news.

I have no humor about this. I crack jokes, but they are dark. They are wry and mostly sardonic. I've decided that perhaps I need to take at least one day of the week away from social media for my own sanity. 30 minutes before bed is not enough. I downloaded apps for my main news sources onto my phone, so I can get my information without the spin from my friends--either liberal or conservative or somewhere in between. I need to be informed and I need to be sure to be balanced, but I also need to make myself do other things, too. I keep reminding myself to go high as Michelle Obama said. It's difficult sometimes. Really difficult. This snowflake knows her mind though and won't trade her empathy for ridicule of her friends or strangers. I will continue to seek the high road and the common ground.

Except for Trump. He is still the Cheeto in Chief. I'm rather Zen about that choice.