Reward vs. Risk

I guess I have more to say on this pacing topic. It's been on my mind a lot lately as I have felt so lousy that I've been even more reclusive than usual. Partly too, my husband has been going through a med adjustment, so I want to be close by and not push him either. These transition times are always tough.

Don't judge this moose. This moose knows what it's doing.

During our recent PRIDE events, a local theater person who we've worked with previously approached us about getting back into theater. She is a fun person and I've worked with her on shows before where she's proven to be reliable and talented. I have no qualms about working with her again. Anyway, during her charming ramble of describing her current project and process, she really wanted us to know that if we were ever interested in theater again, she'd love to work with us. I was really touched by her invitation. Honestly. I let her know that, too. I also was honest when I said that theater is a big commitment for us. I didn't go into a lot of detail because between the intermission music at the drag show, the din of conversation, and the alcohol we'd all ingested, I didn't really see a need to elaborate.

On second thought...

That may have been the wrong call. When someone with chronic illness says something is a big commitment, it means something different than when someone without chronic illness says it. I guess that's the crux of it. Her response was it is a big commitment (thanks for acknowledging that), but she went on to discuss the benefits associated with her dinner theater including the getting paid part. She was really trying to pesuade us. There are some really talented fun people in theater, too. I have many fond memories of working with her and others here in town. Working in theater is thrilling, exciting, and the hard work is so worth it. I believe in having a lively arts scene and this town needs some non-musical theater for us types who are loath to sing in front of people. I have a degree in theater for a reason, but when I say it's a big commitment, I don't just mean the obvious time commitment. That's a huge factor, but it's even more complicated now.

You might want to sit down for a bit. This might take a few.

A typical rehearsal schedule used to run 4 or 5 nights a week along with anywhere from 1-3 weekends of performances. There's also time where an actor has to make time to analyze a script--even a silly and lighthearted dinner theater piece--and memorize those lines. Then there's the finding props and costume times and helping with publicity etc. In theater around here, if you're involved, you do more than one job; that's just how things get done.

And you thrive on it.

Let me take a minute to address these points through the lens of where I'm at now.

Just like this underwater photograph, there's more than what you see on the surface.

(Hint: It's a pic of an octopus)

Time--I am selfish with it. Some nights I get home from work and all I can do is veg for a bit. Sometimes I come home and take a quick nap or just a bit of time with my eyes closed to center myself. My job takes a lot out of me, and giving more of myself in the evening too represents a far greater and more complicated involvement than it used to. Fatigue is not just the "Oh I'm so tired," it's the "I'm tired and there's not enough sleep to help me feel refreshed, and I can't clear the fog from my brain to function" kind of fatigue. I'm also very protective of my sleep. I need 7 hours to really be at my best. I cannot emphasize how important sleep is to my overall well-being. There's a lot of research out there on the necessity of sleep in managing chronic illness because of stress and inflammation concerns. If I dedicate my time to a theater project in addition to what I already do, it requires more planning and forethought than I think people realize. There was a time when I would've thought nothing of it and thrown my hat in after an invitation like hers. I've learned to be more cautious now.

Yes, but how will your propsal impact my energy and my sleep?

Stress--while the stress of putting on a production can be considered good stress, it can also bring with it the bad stress. Any time you work with people, personality conflicts can crop up. I demand a lot of myself in performance. I'm also picky about theater. I have standards, and I find it grossly stressful to work with people who can't seem to do things like learn lines or let the director give the notes. It stresses me out to be sitting at a dress rehearsal with people who can't seem to pull their heads out and get the job done. Honestly, if I'm going to pledge my time and talent to an event for multiple weeks, then I want everyone to take the pledge seriously and be a little bit professional about things. When people aren't professional, that causes me stress. Stress is harmful to people with chronic illness. One of the major tidbits of advice for managing one's illness is to manage stress. Giving my time over and inviting stress poses the potential for havoc. It means opening myself to flares, which means not being able to anything but wallow in bed. Seriously. The level of pain and fatigue associated with an all out flare is brutal; therefore, taking on a production I have to do a serious risk assessment. Which brings us to...

Wait for it...

Fear--yup. I'm fearful of what a theater commitment could bring. Since being diagnosed with lupus, I have experienced unfortunate side effects that make me fearful of something I dearly love. When I told her it was a big commitment, it also meant setting aside those fears. For example, memorizing lines is a lot harder now. I was always the type to learn other people's lines as well. This was helpful should someone go up on their lines. I also have noticed a delay. When I am foggy, tired, or stressed, calling up my lines gets tricky. I might hesitate or panic because the line isn't there fast enough on my tongue. If someone else goes up, then I don't have the improv chops I used to in order to cover. For a performer, this really scary. Furthermore, I've also had flares that kept me from performing. The last big show I did I had to have an understudy for my small part because I could not move my arms without a lot of pain when we came to our second weekend. My arms were so painful that I couldn't raise them, gesture with them, or concentrate enough even for my small part. The time and the stress laid me out. Flares suck and I am in no hurry to hasten the next one.

Moose has not time for flares. Patooey!

As much as I love theater, I simply cannot convey the meaning of "it's a big commitment" clearly enough I guess. Maybe when I'm passed all this current upheaval, I can think about it again. However, I'll still have a lot to consider. Things just aren't as simple as they used to be.