As I pondered what to write about today, I considered writing something of a more inspirational tone since I simply vented all my annoyances for the week yesterday. I somehow thought that perhaps yesterday's post was enough negativity and that I should try and look for something uplifting, but you know what? I don't owe anyone an uplifting post if I don't actually feel it. Right now, I don't feel altogether uplifting. In fact, I feel a trifle frustrated.
Moose owes nothing. Moose does what she needs to do. Moose is happy as a result.
Part of maintaining this blog is me trying to make sense of the world in which I live and have to function. Sometimes writing down my thoughts on important topics helps me to gain a deeper understanding. Consequently, I write about things I find important. Sometimes though, the posts are more personal. I write things to get them out of my head. It still helps me gain perspective on my situation, but it might not be of any interest to someone who doesn't know me. That's fine. At least I mulled it over wrote it out. Today, I am grappling with my New Year resolution I focused on for Samhain.
I rather like this.
It covers all the important aspects of Samhain to me as a pagan:
planet, person, and ancestors.
Samhain is a pagan New Year of sorts. Consequently, part of my ritual was to focus on building the courage and confidence to speak up more. I am an extreme introvert. I often do not see much point in speaking up in larger groups as I need time to really consider topics before saying my convictions out loud. I don't like being put on the spot. I don't appreciate being expected to speak up before I am ready to say my thoughts. Sometimes I already have something to say on a topic because I have considered it previously, but those times are few and far between. I also don't like speaking up in groups where I don't feel comfortable. However, even before the election results, I knew I needed to speak up more to have my voice heard. Now that the election results have been counted, it's even more vital that I start speaking up more on those topics that are so very important to me.
One area I am very hesitant to speak up much at all is at work. I'm still the new one in my departments, and I'm not terribly comfortable with the way things are or run really. As a result, I tend to be my usual reserved self in most meetings. However, at the last department meeting, I did speak up. Our department is reading a book about applying grammar instruction through creative writing rather than in isolation. It's actually a rather intriguing book and it has a lot of interesting information. Our department so far has opted to read a chapter, apply it in the classroom, then share out in the next department meeting. At our last meeting, we reported out on two chapters. I have to admit, I only skimmed the chapters as things were starting to pick up with the school year and two chapters of reading outside of school was not coming together. Anyway, during the meeting, some of our more extroverted members kind of steer the conversation, but I made it my goal to speak up at least once that day. So I did. One person pointed out an interesting activity that looked fun and I piped up that I thought it might be fun to use that idea with "Thank you, Ma'am." The activity involved character traits and large purses, which are important to the Langston Hughes' short story. A lot members nodded and said they too saw that as a possibility. I must admit, the validation felt good. Then at the end, we were discussing whether or not to do 1 or 2 chapters for the next meeting. I quietly spoke up and said that with all the informative writing assessments that were happening between then and the next meeting, I thought one chapter would be sufficient. Others chuckled at the remark, but in the end, the reasoning carried the vote. Again, good for me.
That's right, Toad. Well done.
At work, I also share a room with a male colleague who is very kind and supportive, but who has some of those old timey and sexist behaviors like telling women to smile. That just makes my head want to explode. The other day, I was working with a student who was having a particularly bad day and who was having difficulty controlling his mouth and his behavior. He was swearing and kicking and punching the walls. Nothing I couldn't manage mind you, but this fellow just happened to walk out the door at the same time I went out with this young man. It was a timing thing. Anyway, when he heard the student start swearing a blue streak, his instinct was to stand there with me in his wide legged stance with his hands clasped at his waist like some sort of military sergeant (not helpful in this situation) and rescue me. I didn't need rescuing, so before he could get it out of his mouth, I told him I was fine and he could go about his business. He has this idea that women need rescuing. We've discussed it before, so he went on his merry way and left me be with my student. I didn't need someone to save me and the student didn't need a bigger audience. Thankfully, my colleague knew I meant it and didn't try to interfere. Point made.
This is in my head when someone thinks I need rescuing and I don't.
Another time I used my voice was with my mom. I get real tired of the propaganda that tries to convince people that prayer isn't allowed in school and that somehow Christians are the persecuted ones. Well, mom sent me what I'm sure she found to be inspirational poem that was allegedly written by a teenager. It was a poem written as essentially a parody of a familiar bedtime prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep...", but it made all the same arguments that are completely false and which piss me off. According to Snopes, it's also a very old piece that makes the rounds from time to time. Anyway, I replied to her that I thought it was rubbish and false propaganda. I asked her not to send me anything like it in the future. I didn't hear from her for a few days, but I felt better having spoken up because perhaps now the other religiousy videos and chain emails will stop. I told her I wasn't sympathetic nor interested in the propaganda. It felt rather good to speak up for my beliefs like that. We'll see if I have to do it again.
Goat says probably. You're probably right goat.
Another place I have to speak up for myself is online. After the election, I found an interesting idea that the Electoral College actually is not under obligation to vote as they promised. Some members actually abstain and some switch their vote. For those of us who want Trump kicked to the curb, this presented a glimmer of hope. However, when I posted a link about the idea of a petition asking the EC to vote for anyone but Trump, a male acquaintance took the bait and got rather huffy. He was also rather condescending in his comments and posted a video about how the EC works with the question "Do you even know how the EC works?" This upset me. It smacked of mansplaining. However, as I believe in allowing cooler heads to prevail, my own included, I didn't watch the video until a few hours later. I figured maybe there may be something in the video that I didn't know. There wasn't. So after viewing it and considering my position about the EC (it didn't change), I simply posted a thank you to the fellow for posting an informative video and that for the record, I did actually know the information. He never responded. Probably a good idea on his part.
Me watching that post for notice of a reply. I was ready for it.
I feel sometimes that because I am quiet, people mistake my taciturn nature for being naive or ignorant. I am often neither. Speaking up is quite hard for me, but I have an obligation now. I have to speak up. I cannot go back to the days where I never said anything and instead had awful nightmares about my teeth falling out. That's apparently a sign that you should have spoken up about something. Now though, in the wake of the election, I have to speak up and speak out. I am inspired by the stories of women who confront the racism, the misogyny, the injustices they encounter in their daily lives. I am a member of a group online that shares these stories. Women and other marginalized groups are all finding their voice in this cacophony. Mine needs to join in no matter how quiet it is.
You know it, Bob! Now is not the time to be silent.
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