Over Christmas

That's right. I'm over Christmas. I don't know what it was this year, but I just wasn't feeling it. I never quite caught that familiar Christmas spirit. I tried listening to Christmas music, which I love, but it didn't help. I looked at our cute little tree, but it didn't fill me with joy the way it usually does. I simply couldn't get with the holiday mojo. So today I packed it all up and said goodbye without any ceremony or grace.

If only!

Maybe it's the migraines that weigh on my mind so heavily. I haven't received any relief really and no new information and my recent appointment with my regular doc was not all that reassuring nor was it helpful really. I felt positively awful afterward if I am being perfectly honest. I haven't felt so brushed off or disregarded after an appointment in a long time. It was beyond frustrating to say the least. No answers. No relief. Just stay the course, here's a new script, and go see an ear-nose-throat specialist even though you saw one 15 years ago for the same symptoms and they said they couldn't explain your symptoms.  You're going again just in case.

That's right, Dean. I don't, but it's like I don't get a say in the whole thing. Just because that doctor retired and took the records with him means I clearly have to go through it all again since my memory can't be trusted.

Maybe it's alcohol withdrawal. I don't think so really, but it's been a little over a week without alcohol thanks to that new medication and I'd really like a beer. Or the wine in the cabinet. Or a fucking margarita. It's my fucking winter break dammit and I'd like some fucking spirits. Not that the holidays aren't enjoyable without alcohol mind you; they can be. I just happen to enjoy beer, wine, and cocktails and the fact that I can't have them suddenly makes me cranky.

This guy sucks.

Maybe it's the whole atmosphere of "Holy shit that bastard is really going to take over the White House" that's bugging me. I really can't shake the impending doom I feel over PresidentTrumpCheeto. I have this overwhelming sense of cataclysmic failure of our government, a halting of every progress that's been made since the last world war being lost. I truly fear for the future in a way I have never known in my lifetime.

If The Doctor were to show up and have a plan or perhaps just whisk me away to show me it all works out, that'd be all right. That'd be splendid really.

Whatever the root of it is, I didn't enjoy the holidays the way I usually do. I didn't feel the spirit at all. I went through the motions to prepare cookies and the meals and the presents.  I went to dinner with the family and laughed and  partook of a delicious meal. I opened presents and watched in anticipation as our niece and nephews opened theirs. I didn't watch Christmas Carol like I usually do. I didn't dance at the Christmas hafla thanks to the dizziness from the medication. I didn't pack up Christmas in an orderly fashion the way I usually do. I just didn't get into it at all this year. But I truly got over it right quick. I really just couldn't pack it away fast enough today.

That one really sums it up by itself.

Things aren't right. I don't know how to make them right. I don't know that I can.