Whirling, Twirling Thoughts

I'm an introvert. I spend a lot of time in my own head examining my own thoughts. Sometimes those sessions become overly-obsessing anxiety events, but sometimes not. On my mind this week has been the start of Botox, the racial and feminist intersection, and money insecurities.

Am I boring you, Goat, or is that a hint of reassuring smile on your lips?

I started the Botox on Wednesday. I did some investigating at the behest of a friend regarding auto-immune responses and Botox. There's apparently connection between Botox and autoimmunity thyroid concerns. Since I have a host of autoimmunity concerns already, I was loath to add another. I discussed it with my neurologist, and she told I was not at increased risk. She said that the associations were primarily when a person either a) receives an improperly mixed batch, or b) gets a dosing too close together. I'm still going to talk with my rheumatologist about it, too. However, After so many pain days already this month, I felt like it was an option that outweighed the risk for one dose. My next isn't until April. Just so ya know, those "tiny needles" hurt a lot. You get stuck at least 10 times by three separate syringes. I first described it as bee stings, but I think dull thumbtacks is more accurate. I can say this for it so far: My forehead already feels weird even though it was supposed to take a week for that to kick in. Also, I've had moments where I feel like I'm about to go into a migraine, but it suddenly stops. This makes the forehead weirdness worth it.

I'm fairly certain this is a GIF of one Fate as I got those those injections that will make me feel better.

After I endure some pain first.

Last week I wrote about racial bias and the Women's March. I pondered over why I only had a moderate gender bias after missing one on the test and a strong score for missing two on the racial test. I can only conclude that they are very strict on their boundaries, or they take into account the 89.2% identify as white statistic for my state. The next highest is two or more races at 2.7%. I'm not shirking  my duty to be less biased here, but this is just something that I've been considering. I also found an article right after I posted by Rachel Cargle about how difficult it is to be both black and female ("This Photo Of Me At The Women's March Went Viral And Changed My Activism Forever"). It was enlightening. I've come to realize over the last few years that listening to voices of other marginalized groups provides the best insight and compassion. This was no different. While I do need to consider more about how the outrage only happened when white women felt uncomfortable, I do have greater understanding after having read the piece. In regards to the white women feeling uncomfortable bit, I was deeply saddened to read in her article that the main impression was that there wasn't enough outrage from the white women over the injustices the black women had endured and specifically during the Black Lives Matter movement. During those shootings and police brutality and BLM backlash of All Lives Matter, I was outraged, I was horrified, and I was also accused of buying into propaganda. I heard more than once and read more than once that this was just a media spin. That seemed grossly dismissive. There weren't a lot of BLM protests in this state. I did read a lot about BLM and being an ally and how best to make it better for others. I think it is shameful that once again people of color are being told that their fight is not valid or necessary or patriotic. If anything, it's a reminder that the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960's accomplished a lot, but the work was not done. Fighting for a voice and a place in the discussion can never be considered solved; once accomplished, it must be protected and reinforced I truly hope that those voices keep being raised up.

Interesting Fact: 

I typed in "Colin" into GIPHY to find this guy, but the whole first page is other white dudes who also have the first name Colin. WTH?

Lastly, it is tax season and we just got our W-2's. I look at my salary for the last year and wonder where the hell all that money went! That amount used to sound so huge that I couldn't imagine that it would never be enough to save for retirement. *sigh* While I am thankful for our retirement program, I know that it won't be enough. I know that we don't have enough should anything catastrophic happen to one of us; especially to me since I bring most of the green into the house. I've thought a lot about what would happen if I had to go on disability. I remember my dad having to do that because of his MS and cancer. We almost lost the house. I recall watching my husband's mother struggle too as she was dying of cancer. She had to liquidate everything in order to be turned down for disability. Seriously? She was in hospice and they denied her claim? Then my husband's cousin also went through that. She was lucky to live with her parents at the time, but still. WTF? I suppose it wouldn't take much for us to be destitute, but apparently being sick and destitute isn't enough for the disability cash cow entitlement that the GOP claim is so bloated and unsustainable. Fuck. That.

Even if it came out of a cloud's butt, I'd take that shit.

At the end of the week and poised to start another, I sit here with my senior kitty on my lap. I have a book that I want to read to the left of me. I have another kitty farther to the left of me. The other is playing with something he shouldn't be in the kitchen. My husband is playing World of Warcraft. I try to be Zen. I hope the Botox keeps working. I hope the racial bias I have dissipates so that I can be a better ally. I hope that I don't have to go on disability and that somehow, we can put more in the savings account. But hey! I live in the land of plenty; where freedom rings from shore to shore; where we all have the potential to raise ourselves up.

Yeah, I'm wearing my skeptical/ironic face, too Moose.

Forward, March!

I attended our local Women's March yesterday. It was cold, but not as cold as last year's march at the capital. It was a good size crowd for this town in my opinion. I scanned the crowd for people I knew. I saw a lot of retired and current teachers. I saw my old drama teacher. I saw a friend from way back in elementary. I saw public figures like judges and even the mayor. I didn't see any of the friends who went with me to the capital last January, though.

Did you find them, Goat?

Turns out, one had a swimming lesson with her toddler and one had complications with her chronic fatigue syndrome. I don't know about the other two. I didn't see them. My husband came with me though. I appreciated that.

No, Dean. He didn't cry, and he was thumbs up the whole time.

Last year, almost everyone had a pussy hat. Hell if I know why. I felt no need to put that on my head. I wouldn't wear it as a regular thing. Ever. Why would I wear something cheekily named after my genitalia on my head? I know it was because the hat looked like cat ears and all, but there's no face and whiskers on this hat. It seemed odd to make a genitalia covering for what I consider the strongest part of me and every other woman: our minds. It seemed a bit like saying our minds are no more than our pussies; they are one in the same and equal. Dunno. I think my intellect reaches beyond labia.

Yet I thought somehow I was a bad feminist for not wearing one as I looked out over all the Pepto- pink-pointy-hats -for-the-cause.

BTW: does this gif weird anyone else out? Just me?

I saw an opinion piece asking women not to wear the hats this year, but many did. Probably because they had no other reason to wear it all year and they wanted to get their money's worth. I'm being facetious. I don't know their motives, but the opinion piece thought the hats were silly and somehow representative of the racial and privilege lines. The Women's March caught a lot of flack for being privileged white women. However, part of what drew me to it was the representation of people of color on the organizing event board as well as the commitment in the mission statement to recognize all races, identities, abilities, and economic backgrounds stated as "diverse women".

The mission of Women’s March is to harness the political power of diverse women and their communities to create transformative social change.

~www.womensmarch.com

Check out their Unity Principles, too.

At the march yesterday, the invocation attempted to be secular, but the minister's habits interfered with her wording at times. But she tried. The speakers tried to send the message to reach out to one another. They specifically said to make sure that all people feel welcome--reach out to those with less; reach out to those of a different racial background; reach out to someone of a different gender/sexual identity and make them all feel welcome. Part of me felt a wee bit squeamish like maybe this was being white, cis, privileged savior-y. However, the speaker appeared not to be white, but who knows? Maybe she identifies as white on her demographic forms. I have no idea. 

You don't know either, do ya Loki?

Does it matter?

Should it matter?

But it really highlights how complicated this whole road we face is. Reach out with friendship, right? Kinda like how we're taught as kids to welcome the kid who is sitting alone at lunch. Kinda like moving your gear on the bus so someone can sit down.  Kinda like being a decent person without patting yourself on the back for being such. Begin by greeting one another as a person with our own identity, experience, and voice to be heard. 

Speak your truth, Heimlich!

I think we need to listen more and be prepared to be bit gobsmacked occasionally. I think we need to hear when someone is trying to understand even when he or she is being clumsy with their word choice. This does not include comments like calling Haiti a shithole country, mind you. Or white supremacists very good people. No! on that thanks. Those deeply flawed statements need to be admonished for what they are in direct and blunt terms. I think we need to be open to the voices that struggle, that yell, that quiver, and that even deny when they seek understanding and perspective. 

And damn if it isn't hard, right Michelle?

Changing systemic biases is always hard. 

We wouldn't still be having this discussion if it wasn't

A long-time friend for example was trying to make sense of the Aziz Ansari revelation. He posted on Facebook about it with an article. He sees it as a widely varied spectrum of misogyny from stupid unwanted comments about smiling for instance to sexual assault, and that perhaps we shouldn't be so quick to crucify someone. That whole due process thing or perhaps clearly defined boundaries of behavior. My friend is a white male who I have always found to be an ally in a lot of situations. I was surprised when those closest to him came down so hard and told him to be quiet and not to silence female voices. I didn't take his comment that way; I was shocked those who should know him best saw it that way and publicly sought to shame and shut him up. It's online, so maybe a missed the joke or the tone. Maybe. Other women got on the thread and shared their stories and tried to clarify the situation for him. I appreciated these stories. We teach students that no question is stupid and that if you've got a that question, someone else likely does, too--so ask! 

It makes little sense then to tell adults not to ask questions. 

Questions can engage civil discourse.

If we're not able to ask, then we're not able to discuss. If we're not able to discuss, we're not able truly to walk in another's shoes. I hate having to explain about being a woman sometimes. I hate having to explain about being a humanist with pagan tendencies sometimes. I hate having to answer the same questions/suggestions about my health conditions sometimes. But if the person is asking from a position of ignorance and a a genuine attempt to be compassionate and to understand, I don't see where shaming and silencing does a good-god-damned at all. 

Right, Chris?!?

If this has seemed like a long-winding road to the end of my blog, oh well. These blogs are often my way to vent or to work out my own positions and thoughts. I'm not trying to preach or to direct the conversation, but I am trying to do better. I am trying to participate in discussion on tough topics. I want to do my part to help our silly species to ascend to another type of civilization. 

I don't recall that advice from your book, Michio. 

And it's hard. There's got to be more that can be done to get people to connect as humans. One suggestion from yesterday was to go online to Harvard Project Implicit and take the hidden bias questionnaire so we can call ourselves out. I like this idea. Change begins close to home, right? I apparently have a moderate automatic association of male with science and female with liberal arts. I do have a strong automatic preference for white over black people. I was disappointed with that. I was hoping for moderate. I have work to do. I'm sure it's going to be hard, but it'll be worth it.

I probably shouldn't take the political affiliation one yet, huh Moose?

Uncover one or two blind spots at a time, maybe?

Maybe?

Side Effects be Damned!

When I first heard that there was finally a medication approved specifically to treat lupus, I was so excited. Finally, all that awareness and lobbying was paying off. My first few treatments were rough, but I was assured that it'd get better. It did. I just felt a bit fluish afterward. A bit of headache that was stopped with a triptan. My relief eventually gave way to doubt as the months wore on, however.

Best be alert! Right, Goat?

It boggles my mind that a medication for lupus would have a 5% occurrence of increased migraine activity. Migraine is a common complaint among lupus sufferers. As someone who already had migraines, I was hoping that the side effect was a low enough incidence that I would escape unscathed.

You got it, Hillary. It was not to be just like your presidency. 

Sorry about that, BTW. You were robbed.

Since the start of January, I have had 14 of 15 days with headache. Not just headache mind you. For the last four days, I have had a stabbing in my left eye. There was the teary, bleary eyes and runny nose, too. The pain was worse when I got up to get water or go to the bathroom. Ice packs only helped until they melted. Heat pads felt great, but were only moderately helpful. A warm shower felt delightful, but I felt guilty about draining the whole water tank. My TENS unit was the biggest relief. My triptans ran out. The extra samples from my doctor ran out. I was well-hydrated as my pinch test proved. I had eaten, although my appetite was significantly decreased. I just got disinterested in eating after a while. Rather ruins a three-day weekend.

You're not wrong there, Dean.

Anyway, my neurologist got me approved for Botox treatment. I was surprised to see the low numbers for success. It reduces pain days by only 2 days a month when compared to regular treatments (Topamax or Depakote etc.)  or placebo according to a study review by The Journal of the American Medical Association. Side note: headache and migraine are listed as Botox side effects. You can also become immune to Botox. Yeah. That's a thing. WTF? So Botox could reduce my 14 days so far this month to 12? The month isn't done and I am full of trepidation about this new horizon of medication. Even if they decrease, it might not last as is the case with a lot of meds I've tried. Consequently, I contacted my rheumatologist via the Patient Portal. If it is Benlysta, then maybe the side effects outweigh the benefits at this point.

I feel ya, Willow.

Since today was a holiday, I didn't think I'd hear back from her until tomorrow, but she wrote almost immediately. She said to DC the Benlysta for now. I see her in February. Until then, no Benlysta. When I go see her, we'll talk about a few other choices. Those choices include Methotrexate, prednisone, Imuran, and CellCept. *sigh* I guess I have some investigating to do.

Here we go again, Scully.

Today was my first day since the 2nd without waking with a headache. I was ecstatic. I got so much done today. I was smiling; I was laughing; I had sex with my husband; I left the house! All these things that people take for granted, I was actually able to do today. The sun is starting to set, and I am feeling the head start to get fussy. A little unsteadiness along with some yawning and a bit of eye squeezy.

You heard me, Moose. 

Here comes the pain again.

Back from Hiatus

I'm sure you've missed me. I meant to get myself back on track over the holiday break. That didn't happen. It didn't happen due to being sick and not thinking clearly. It happened because of a distraction of WoW size. (I got my frost mage up and running again.) It didn't happen because, let's face, 2017 sucked and I was having a hard time sorting my thoughts to post. And now, here I sit. Cat on lap, 2 cats to the left, and still in my robe. But I'm writing.

Don't look back, Goat. New year is ahead of you.

I sneaked a peak at my New Year's post from last January. All that comes to mind is: fuck. Didn't get much of that shit done at all! Perhaps I was too ambitious. Maybe I was just too lazy. Then again, I had a lot of health shit storms, too. I must cut myself some slack I think.

All systems forward. Engage!

I didn't answer the big questions about my professional goals. I still contemplate them, but I think they're on hold. I have no intention of paying for more school credits on my own. I want those stupid student loans off the record before pursuing anything else. I should really look for some scholarships and grants for more credits I suppose. Should. *sigh*

And yet, I said it, Gene. I said it.

Wellness has been a total roller coaster. Good golly , Miss Molly. It is a never ending struggle. I get one thing under wraps and another one goes haywire. I keep trying, but it really does beat you down some days. OK, lately it seems like most days. Let's be honest. I think I've posted more about my stupid health issues than ever before. It's been hell. No two ways about it.

My face when I worry about a migraine. Or fatigue. Or anxiety. Or any of it dammit!

As for creative, well, summer was spent mostly painting the damn house. I pushed in the heat for 2-4 hours and paid for it for the rest of the day. I simply didn't have a lot of chutzpah left for more leisurely pursuits. Sun and heat just drains me of everything. Consequently, I didn't get in the routine of making with the creative. I did get a clay tile made for  a friend. I did fiddle with jewelry. I suppose I should find my way back to it. Eventually. Where oh where is my passion?

Whoa there, dude. A little less aggression there. But yeah. You're right.

Humanity. Oh! the humanity. I still totally suck at going out and being social. Part of that is the migraine insurgency. Part of it is the IBS limitations on diet. Part of it is the sheer fatigue and disinterest in small talk. I have put forth effort to make more connections, although many of them are digital or electronic rather than face to face. I can manage email and texting even when I feel like shit. Going out though is tough. Just call me Hermit and let me be in my robe and on the sofa.

I'm not leaving and you can't make me!

Financial. Well, like most years, it goes up, it comes down. We had a tax refiling windfall that let us have a great time in Seattle for the Depeche Mode concert. It allowed us to buy a sofa of which I am probably a little too fond. It let us put an auto start in Zippy the Bluebaru. It allowed us to get paid up on a lot of credit bills. It made Christmas easier. Now it's gone. Back to the month to month. *sigh* My husband's checks have been inconsistent, so that's taken  toll on the trying to save and stay ahead. I'll keep fighting the good fight on that front.

It is possible. I feel it in my bones. Or maybe that's just the below zero temps we've had this winter.

I've scaled back my ambitions for 2018. Last year really beat a lot of us up. It was tumultuous and scary and painful. I don't know if 2018 will be any better, but I am focusing on a few things right now. Simpler things. I have chosen to get my butt in gear and learn Spanish. I have an app on my phone that tells me I am 11% fluent after a week. Ha! When I don't have to laboriously search for the right words and phrases, I'll consider myself fluent. I am pretty good at some basic phrases, but I get a little confused on conjugation of those verbs. I may need flashcards.

 

Yo puedo hacerlo.

(I had to look that up. Haven't got that far yet.)

I'm also meditating in the morning with a mantra. I'm breathing in energy and breathing out compassion. I'm really trying to greet vehemence with love. Sarah Silverman nailed it with her troll last week. If you have not read that exchange, you should. She's my hero. I'm trying to apply this compassion to everything I do that would otherwise irk me over the top. I'm managing, but it's a struggle. Just gotta keep saying that mantra throughout the day. I'm feeling a change, so best keep going. It has made me more easy going during the day.

 

Yes you do, Sarah. You just gave us all a lesson in it.

I've also given up the smartphone before bed. I was good for a long time, and the last three months of 2017 I was terrible about looking at my phone for 15-20 minutes before bed. I couldn't get away from social media. I feel better now though. I am getting more sleep.

Smartphone before bed bad.

I made another small sleep change: I stopped hitting the snooze button. I get going a lot more in the morning. I do admit, by Thursday, it'a bit harder to get out of bed; slower going, but I get there none the less. It's had an interesting effect on my efficiency on getting to work. I can move through my morning and get underway more quickly so I can take advantage of my morning clarity. By afternoon, I'm fried. Just am. The earlier arrival and more alert start also allows me some me time during the day. I can pause and read a chapter in a book at lunch. I can pause for a little brain break. This, too seems to make me more relaxed. I hope that continues. I like it.

Yeah...I'm not that perky. But I am awake and mildly upbeat about it.

The last small change I've made is to compliment at least one person a day. A genuine compliment, not something frivolous. It changes your outlook when you look for the goodness in others. I continue to send out the good news notes on my students. I see kids in the hallway and compliment their new duds from the holidays. I compliment if they help someone or pick up garbage. I complimented my friend's strength. Seriously. She is training for a marathon. That's wicked strength right there.

 

She's totally got this.

Honestly, it's just the first week. Is any of this sustainable? I hope so. I'd really like to get conversational in Spanish so I'm not that stereotypical can't speak another language American. I like being able to take a little more time to chill at work so I am not a big stress ball. I like my mantra.  I like that my first impulse is to look for goodness. Please, oh please 2018, let's work together so at the end of this year I'm not so eager to say good riddance to you. 

Dang, Moose! When you move forward, you don't mess around!