The Quitter

I quit.There's no shame in quitting. In fact, sometimes it is essential.

Like the time I had to stop. It made me flat and disinterested in other things. I felt nothing, so I kept trying to feel something. It got ridiculously risky. It had to go.

Or the time it made me think of suicide. Not only did it make food gross, but it made me think of killing myself. Making a plan. Considering the method, the act, and the aftermath. It had to go.

Then there was when it didn't work at all, but actually made things worse. It said to give it up to six months. I waited longer, but it only made it harder to deal with the symptoms. It was worse, yet 30 times more expensive than others. It had to go.

Once, it died. I said goodbye, and looked for another. But nothing panned out. I actually think the one attempt made matters painfully worse. It was discouraging and awkward. It had to go.

Now another one is set to go. It's never been comfortable, and it's never been worth it's cost. A few items already discounted, a few worth considering, but some were just wrong. More wrong than right. It has to go.

So today I quit. I'm done pushing through. I'm done soldiering on and spending mornings in a nauseated fog. I can't face another day of getting through and being wiped out just to start the cycle again the next day. Today I quit. Today I rest. Today I take care of me because I can. Because I need to.

Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I'll have the energy. Maybe tomorrow it won't be so hard. We'll see.

Tomorrow.

The Analyst

Umm, excuse me. I got a message that something has gone offline with your therapy plan. Can you describe the problem?

Yes. It began about two years ago. I started getting more frequent headaches.

Did you drink more water?

Yes. That's not the problem. I tried that before calling. You see I...

Ok. Let's see. Did you eat?

Yes. I love eating. My husband is a fantastic cook.

Did you have red wine? Processed foods?

No. I don't think you understand the problem. I have been through all the usual troubleshoots. Water, food, wine, nitrate/nitrite, and cheese. Nothing worked. My headaches have erupted in frequency and intensity.

Did you try shutting down and restarting?

Yup. Did that too. My sleep cycle is same as ever at about 7 to 7.5 hours a night. Seriously. I wouldn't have called if any of the usual things readily available on a Google search were the issue. Anyway...

What about medications. Anything new or different?

...ruled that out, too. Actually went off of one for about 7 months, which made the lupus fatigue worse. That wasn't the issue. I actually put the work ticket in because...

Have you seen a doctor or specialist?

My GP, an ENT, and a neurologist in addition to my rheumalotogist and even my gynecologist. I've seen them all.

...and?

Nothing. Not my ears, not my hormones, not a tumor. Nothing except a few white spots on my brain, which are apparently normal for someone my age. 

Your migraines were well-managed prior. Is that correct?

Yes, but...

What have you stopped doing? Sometimes we get complacent when we feel good.

*sigh* 

...

Hello? Ma'am? Are you still on the line?

I've been through it all. I've tried elimination diets, I've tried my vestibular rehabilitation exercises, and I've tried a handful of different medications. Even upping my supplements like magnesium and then adding regular massages. The first thing you do when a flare up of symptoms happens is to examine the current treatments and look for anything that is lacking from before.

What did you find that you had let go?

Nothing, you ignorant jackass! I've been through it all and nothing set this ball rolling. Chronic conditions don't need the person to be slacking in order to flare up or worsen. Sometimes they just do. I feel like you're blaming me for this situation. 

Perhaps you're too focused on feeling bad. You need to get out more. What do you enjoy doing?

I enjoy a lot of things. Some things I haven't been able to enjoy because my pain makes life unpredictable.  The vertigo keeps me from biking much and dancing is just depressing right now. I love reading, but I can't understand what I read sometimes even when the pain isn't the major issue. Before the pain really hits, I struggle with words and reading. There's not much I can do sometimes. It does rather consume my focus when the pain never really subsides, or the vertigo keeps me from moving around too much, or I'm just too fucking tired to do a gorram thing! I feel like you don't know how this feels. To be shut up, isolated, confused, depressed, frustrated and without anyone to just listen rather than try to "help" with well-meaning fix-its. I've. Been. Through. All. The. Troubleshoots.

Have you tried...

Don't say it.

Yoga?

*click

The Moody One

Wow! I feel good. I'm laughing and enjoying things and man! This energy is fantastic! I haven't felt this good in a while. I'm on top of things. I just got everything on my to do list for today done. I am on fire! I just had a great conversation with a colleague. It felt so good to laugh. I came home and instead of being tired, I did a little housework and helped make dinner with my husband. I still have a bounce in my step. This is awesome!
Oh shit. I'm in too good of a mood. A former student came to visit me today and I was too bubbly. He looked at me like I was weird or high or something. I was almost giddy
No. I was giddy. Shit. I'm heading for a migraine. Do I take the triptan now or do I wait for the actual pain? What if this is nothing and I'm really just in a good mood? I hate not knowing.

I've got a knot in my belly. I can't relax my shoulders. Fuck! I just unclenched my fists and they're all tense again. I want to curl up in a ball and sob. Would that make me feel better? I'm so alone. I'm not very good at anything. Not really. I don't want to go to dance. I just want to put my pajamas on and sit on the sofa. Ah! My kitties are curling up with me. Their purrs and cuddles are soothing. At least they love me. God I want to bawl.  A really good ugly cry is what I need. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to get up. I don't want to do anything. I can't. Maybe I should eat. I haven't eaten today. I'm not hungry. Never mind. Maybe I should just go to bed. Yeah. Bed. Duck down and pull the blanket over my head. Block out the world. This is good enough. Nothing else. Just let me stay here and not see anything. How am I supposed to go to work tomorrow. I can't. I can't get out of bed. I can't face anything right now. Go away world.
Wait minute. Where are these thoughts coming from? It'll pass. This is the depression phase. This isn't like you. You know that. It'll pass. You should sleep. You'll feel better afterward. It's just the post-migraine blues. Or is the prodrome phase?  It sucks now, but it'll pass. I'll prep with my migraine toolkit just in case I'm heading into another one. I'm ready. I got this. Oh gods I hope I got this. Please don't let it be a Big Nasty.

I hate everything! Why doesn't my husband get up and help me with shit around this house? I have to do everything. I make the menus, I do the laundry, I clean the bathroom, and I manage the money. Now he wants me to make grocery lists? Why the fuck can't he make grocery lists? So help me if he asks me what's for dinner one more goddamn time I am going to lose it! Then there's my mom. Doesn't she see how annoying her long emails are? It's a fucking email for cryin' out loud. They're meant to be brief! I'm trying to work dammit! Has she forgotten what it 's like to be a teacher? What the hell's up with "let us know ASAP"? God fucking dammit! Doesn't she understand that I have things to do besides plan a meal that is three days away? Someone else make some fucking decisions! I can't today. I'm done! And another thing! Why can't those kids plug computers in on the cart? I have to organize and straighten and make sure everything's done. Oh! And the books are all disorganized. Again! How hard is it to to put them spine out and upright? Fuck! Another late assignment? I just finished grading all that shit and here's another. Dammit. Where's that rubric? Am I out? What the actual fuck? I missed something. I know I did it. Where'd it go. I forgot about the deadline. Did I read that email? Why are there so many emails? Gods. I suck! I just want to throw things and smash things and fuck it all!
Whoa there. I sound like an ungrateful jerk. Let's just take a minute and assess this situation. My heart is racing and this rage is just bizarre. These are little things. They aren't really that bad at all. Why am I so worked up about these petty and really small annoyances? I'm blowing them way out of proportion frankly.
Oh wait. Sons of bitches and whores! Here it comes again. How long will it be this time? A few hours? A day? Two days? You're aware now, so be vigilant. Take deep breaths. Listen to your relaxing music. Belly breaths. Make sure you have a tripaan with you no matter what. You can manage this. Keep quiet. Whatever comes out of your mouth might be caustic. It might be irrationally angry. Before you say it, breathe it out. Walk away from anything that sets you off. Fuck. Me. Running.

I hate not being able to trust my emotions. I don't really know when it's genuine or when it's a sign of impending migraine. How do I tell them apart?

The Minimizer

Hi! I have chronic migraines, but it only takes 15 days away a month. I only have to stay in bed or on the sofa on my weekends instead of doing things I want to do. That's when the pain hits most of the time. I am so exhausted from pushing through it that I am too exhausted to do the things I want. Really. I can still work most of the time even with the pain, brain farts, and slurred speech. It's not that bad. Other people have conditions far worse. Like cancer patients for example. They really have more right to complain or feel sorry for themselves than I do. I just have headaches.
Hi. I have lupus. But you know, it's not that bad. My skin erupts in lesions and spots when I am in the sun. I can't stand the heat or the cold without cognitive impairment and pain. I get tired once in a while. Tired like I can't stand or move or even do much really.  I mean look at that person. She can't walk without crutches and she's on steroids, so she's got it far worse than I do. The person over there is losing her eyesight. That one can't get out of bed.  I can still slog into work. I really have no need to draw attention to myself.
Hi. I have Sjogren's. It's so bad sometimes that I can't talk my mouth is so dry. I spend a lot of money on dental care and still my teeth break or get develop cavities or need root canals. My eyes burn a lot to the point I have to close them for periods of time even with the Restasis. My fingers tingle and I get needle stabs in my feet that make my whole legs jump. I can't swallow that well. I need a pint of water just to take my medications. But I manage. It's not like I don't have access to water and I do have dental insurance. I get by.
Hello. I have vertigo associated with my migraines. It makes me feel like I'm walking in a canoe. Sometimes I lose my balance and fall into the wall, so I get bruised. I have to lean against the wall when I'm on hall duty. I fall over doing yoga. I lose balance dancing. I feel like I am going head first down the stairs, so I go really slowly and walk on an angle. I have coping strategies. There's vestibular rehabilitation training I do. I can dance more slowly and not spin around. You know, keep my head in the same space as much as possible. The nausea isn't that bad. I can still eat and maintain my weight. No vomiting. It's not like I have to stay in a wheelchair all the time. I mean, I sit down at work a lot and I keep my hand on solid objects around me. I manage.
My life isn't affected  by chronic illness that much. Not really. I'm still alive. I can work. I'm not in the hospital. I don't have it that bad. Not compared to some. Not really.

Better Life Choices

It's 2019 in case you missed the noise and festivities. It was loud in our neck of the woods. Our poor cats were more than disturbed by the fireworks...just like my sleep. But here it is as usual: a new turn around the sun. Along with that comes the usual round of soon to be broken and forgotten resolutions. I saw a post about resolutions and the person simply committed to being less of an asshole. Sounds good to me, so for 2019 I will make these choices to be less of an asshole.

US Fish Wildlife and Parks

Sound good to you, derpy Goat?

I will spend less time on social media and more time doing things I enjoy. I broke it off with Facebook. Now I just need to limit my time on Reddit and Pinterest. This should be fairly easy to accomplish as I don't spend much time there anyway. This will help me less of an asshole because I won't be tempted to unleash a keyboard storm of rants at people who post things that offend my sensibilities. I'll be less of an asshole to myself as well because my blood pressure won't explode and I'll have more time for other endeavors.

Indonesia Emosi

Less of this is good for everyone.

Less time scrolling means I'll have more time for things like reading and gasp! creative exploits. I read a lot of books in 2018, but not as many as I wanted. If I make time to read before bed, it likely will help me get more sleep as well, so I'll be less of an asshole to my body and my mind. As for being creative, I figure dancing, polymer clay projects, and a writing series I'm thinking of will also help me be less of an asshole to myself. If I'm less of an asshole to myself, the greater the chance I'll be less of an asshole to others.

Life goals for everyone!

I might even have more time to be less of an asshole to my friends and family. Who knows? I might actually make some more time for socializing outside of electronic mediums. There may even be volunteering in the works. I just have to find the right fit. Something I believe in that won't be let down if I have to call out with a migraine. 

Percolate Galactic

This is not a therapy I have tried.

There you have it. I'm going to less of an asshole. Maybe it will rub off on others. That phrasing may need some work.

pictorem

Aww! You got it figured out, my moose!