The Moody One

Wow! I feel good. I'm laughing and enjoying things and man! This energy is fantastic! I haven't felt this good in a while. I'm on top of things. I just got everything on my to do list for today done. I am on fire! I just had a great conversation with a colleague. It felt so good to laugh. I came home and instead of being tired, I did a little housework and helped make dinner with my husband. I still have a bounce in my step. This is awesome!
Oh shit. I'm in too good of a mood. A former student came to visit me today and I was too bubbly. He looked at me like I was weird or high or something. I was almost giddy
No. I was giddy. Shit. I'm heading for a migraine. Do I take the triptan now or do I wait for the actual pain? What if this is nothing and I'm really just in a good mood? I hate not knowing.

I've got a knot in my belly. I can't relax my shoulders. Fuck! I just unclenched my fists and they're all tense again. I want to curl up in a ball and sob. Would that make me feel better? I'm so alone. I'm not very good at anything. Not really. I don't want to go to dance. I just want to put my pajamas on and sit on the sofa. Ah! My kitties are curling up with me. Their purrs and cuddles are soothing. At least they love me. God I want to bawl.  A really good ugly cry is what I need. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to get up. I don't want to do anything. I can't. Maybe I should eat. I haven't eaten today. I'm not hungry. Never mind. Maybe I should just go to bed. Yeah. Bed. Duck down and pull the blanket over my head. Block out the world. This is good enough. Nothing else. Just let me stay here and not see anything. How am I supposed to go to work tomorrow. I can't. I can't get out of bed. I can't face anything right now. Go away world.
Wait minute. Where are these thoughts coming from? It'll pass. This is the depression phase. This isn't like you. You know that. It'll pass. You should sleep. You'll feel better afterward. It's just the post-migraine blues. Or is the prodrome phase?  It sucks now, but it'll pass. I'll prep with my migraine toolkit just in case I'm heading into another one. I'm ready. I got this. Oh gods I hope I got this. Please don't let it be a Big Nasty.

I hate everything! Why doesn't my husband get up and help me with shit around this house? I have to do everything. I make the menus, I do the laundry, I clean the bathroom, and I manage the money. Now he wants me to make grocery lists? Why the fuck can't he make grocery lists? So help me if he asks me what's for dinner one more goddamn time I am going to lose it! Then there's my mom. Doesn't she see how annoying her long emails are? It's a fucking email for cryin' out loud. They're meant to be brief! I'm trying to work dammit! Has she forgotten what it 's like to be a teacher? What the hell's up with "let us know ASAP"? God fucking dammit! Doesn't she understand that I have things to do besides plan a meal that is three days away? Someone else make some fucking decisions! I can't today. I'm done! And another thing! Why can't those kids plug computers in on the cart? I have to organize and straighten and make sure everything's done. Oh! And the books are all disorganized. Again! How hard is it to to put them spine out and upright? Fuck! Another late assignment? I just finished grading all that shit and here's another. Dammit. Where's that rubric? Am I out? What the actual fuck? I missed something. I know I did it. Where'd it go. I forgot about the deadline. Did I read that email? Why are there so many emails? Gods. I suck! I just want to throw things and smash things and fuck it all!
Whoa there. I sound like an ungrateful jerk. Let's just take a minute and assess this situation. My heart is racing and this rage is just bizarre. These are little things. They aren't really that bad at all. Why am I so worked up about these petty and really small annoyances? I'm blowing them way out of proportion frankly.
Oh wait. Sons of bitches and whores! Here it comes again. How long will it be this time? A few hours? A day? Two days? You're aware now, so be vigilant. Take deep breaths. Listen to your relaxing music. Belly breaths. Make sure you have a tripaan with you no matter what. You can manage this. Keep quiet. Whatever comes out of your mouth might be caustic. It might be irrationally angry. Before you say it, breathe it out. Walk away from anything that sets you off. Fuck. Me. Running.

I hate not being able to trust my emotions. I don't really know when it's genuine or when it's a sign of impending migraine. How do I tell them apart?