An Existence of the Human Kind: My Space

In my basement, there's a space that is mine. It is in the northwest corner. There is a small square of flooring left from the previous owner. In this space, I once had a lovely steam trunk that I used as an altar. It's gone now. Ruined by so much cat urine as they competed for dominance in the ritual space. Now there is a tiered particle board shelf like you buy at Target to organize a closet. It works well as it has multiple levels that can hold ritual tools. I covered it in a scarf that is the color suited to the full moon rite I last performed many moons ago. On top, all my tools arranged neatly and ready for action should I wish to return to ritual. Mabon is coming; I could focus on that equinox harvest. As I cleared clutter, changed the cat litter boxes, and swept the basement floor this morning, I kept looking at my space and wondering why I don't dismantle it.

I find Wiccan and Pagan altars so much more meaningful and lovely than Christian altars.

Performing rituals used to excite me. It felt empowering to dedicate time and energy to making life better. It filled a need in me to connect with something deeper than myself. I enjoyed honoring the seasons and spending time focusing on the work I needed to do. Writing my own rituals and spells fed my creative needs and revealed to me how similar all religious rites really are. Seriously. If you can't see the parallels between Catholic masses and Wiccan rites, I can't help you.

Don't be fooled by this.

Or this for that matter.

I've felt that connection to rituals slipping for a while now. I don't do full moon rituals much anymore. I've scaled back to my former moon gazing or as some call it basking. I don't do spell work as I simply don't see the point. I understand why some do spells or prayers, but I see the activity more like elaborate acts of futility now. What's the point? It does not really have any more effect on reality than a false sense of engagement and control. It's impact is limited to me and me alone. While someone else who also believes in the supernatural world of gods and goddesses may appreciate the efforts, the truth is, those energies have no more than placebo effect.

Gee, that's super helpful.

I'm not sure if it's being jaded or just realizing the senselessness of it all, but I cannot help feeling disconnected from rituals. I still practice mindfulness with breathing techniques and trying to focus just on what I'm actually doing rather than worrying about what comes next. For example, I pop in my ear buds and listen to some white noise or binaural beats for about 15 minutes before work. I try to stay present, but of course, I'm only mildly successful most days. It does help me maintain a calm exterior though. So I continue. I do read pagan blogs and ponder the turning of the wheel. This month is Mabon. I'll spend some time meditating and ruminating on the idea of reaping what I've sown this year. The sabbats help me reflect on my actions and where my life is going in that regard. While I do not believe in deities, I do find mindful reflection an essential part of my life.

Pagans do create magical artwork. I could stare at this Mabon piece while I meditate.

Perhaps that is why I have not put away my ritual items. I still find the meaning in the sabbats, but calling the lord and lady or the corners does not make sense anymore. They don't exist, so why include them in my spiritual practice? A few years ago, I wrote my own rites and tried to find the right words for what I believed, or didn't believe in might be a more accurate phrasing. Being Wiccan without the neo-pagan dogma: Is it possible?

This image. This one. The conical hat symbolizes the Wiccan, but in reality, she's just a person sitting in nature thinkng deeply about life's mysteries.

My spiritual path continues to evolve. It continues to be a deeply personal and thoughtful journey. Behind me, I've left Catholicism, I've left Methodism, and now I've left ritual Wicca. I've stripped away so much. What am I left with? Residual guilt and shame. Artifacts. A belief and appreciation in the natural world around me. A sense of calm in letting go of deities and ritual practice. For now, thinking my thoughts while I witness the beauty of a full moon across a lake provides tranquility. Marking the passing of seasons with personal reflection gives me purpose. Mindfulness centers me for living the life I choose. One day I may very well take down my altar and tuck away my cauldron, censer, athame, and wand. For now though, it reminds me of where I've been and where I may return should I feel need.