Little Reminders

I spent a delightful time in the yard on Saturday. I weeded my herb garden and weed whacked as well as picked up the sticks that were all over from the recent thunderstorms. I had my UV shirt on and a big floppy hat etc. However, when I awoke on Sunday, I knew that I was flaring.

That's right, Goat. Stupid lupus.

I didn't write yesterday because I couldn't think clearly. My head was one big vacuous shell. My brain was in there somewhere, but it apparently needed some me time. Too bad you can't reboot like a computer. My skin felt electrified like there was a burning coil running through it. No actual sunburn mind you. Just the sensation that my nerve endings were all on hyper active drive. My muscles and joints ached. I was also completely tired whenever I did the littlest things like go to the bathroom or fill my coffee. I was absolutely useless. Times like this send you backward to that initial grief and you sift through the self-care and coping mechanisms you know.

Back to when I didn't have this shit? Sure thing, 10! 

My sofa and I became one for most of the day. I scrolled through Facebook. I read a few articles of interest and decided that there wasn't really anything of importance there. I could only look at so many cat pictures and read about the state of our country's affairs. I can't do anything about that last one when I can't take care of myself with any effectiveness. I have to back-burner my activism, which makes me grieve for that sense of activism. Vicious cycle. I did find an article of interest regarding migraines. Sometimes reading articles about some of my body's shortcomings is oddly comforting. I tend to share these items and some folks read them. I am sure some just click the crying emoticon. Others likely get annoyed that I'm sharing about my migraines again. Tough. It's not about them. It's my grief. My condition. My share. Some will miss it completely, which is fine. I don't share for reactions; just interest, knowledge, and comfort.

I share this basset because it amuses me. If it amuses you, great. If not, I don't care.

After that, I was really drained and just konked out. Then I watched a few episodes of my Supernatural boyfriends. My go to for the last while on days with the sofa has been Anthony Bourdain's Parts Unknown. I finished the last three seasons available on Netflix just before his suicide. I always found his demeanor and travels as a way to escape my own situation for a while. But I finished that so it's back to Supernatural. Netflix and the like are great places to direct my attention when my head is not altogether with it. Eye candy is a great distraction from my grief and situation. 

I would eat any sandwich you made, Castiel. 

When my head felt a bit clearer, I did a little investigating on my Botox, migraines, lupus, and IBS. Sometimes new things get into my search results. Sometimes it's the same old shit. Regardless, I refine my search words, which helps bring up new stuff. I still get a lot of cosmetic results for Botox of course. Many those plastic surgeons and other spa representatives repeat how there's no risk from Botox. I think they're a wee bit biased. Then I read other articles and posts from other doctors about how it can cause troubles for people who have autoimmune conditions like Hashimoto's. I knew that though. One doctor stressed the need to study its use with autoimmune conditions other than thyroid reactions, but those were rare results in my search. One video  had this guy who said he's a doctor cautioning folks with autoimmunity from using Botox. He was quiet, a little scattered, and wrapped in a blanket like his office/room was really cold. Anyway, I feel compelled to question his reliability until further exploration. Browsing new reports and studies on my ailments is also a way to ease my grief. It reminds me that I didn't do anything to deserve this. It also reminds me that I do all the right things, and the flare is just part of the gig I didn't sign up for.

 

Go ahead and dance it out, Badger.

Some people turn to their support groups. I am not actively in any support groups. I have been mind you. I found them helpful for a time, and once in a while I go into forums to check what others have to say about their experiences with medications and what they've found helpful. I can't stay long most of the time though. Sometimes they pull me under and I have to step back. Others though find a lot of what they need there. I can't judge them for that. We all deal in different ways. What we need one day may or may not be the same thing we need a week later.  

If hug it out works for you little primate, hug away.

I know others turn to their faith for support. I am not one of those unless you count wanting to sit in the woods and meditate, which isn't possible when you have lupus and need to stay out of the sun during a flare. *sigh* I'm going to the forest soon. I will rest, relax, rejuvenate, and guard myself against the sun as much as possible. If praying brings people relief in some fashion, so be it. Cope your way, and I'll cope mine. Hopefully if I leave them to their spirituality, they will also leave me to mine without trying to pull me in. That discussion would make me feisty and feisty brings stress, which is not good for anyone. 

I hear ya, Fish.

Little reminders of my chronic illness send me back through grief. I deny that it's happening. I get angry that it's really happening. I bargain with myself on how to stop it happening. I get depressed and I might cry a bit and I might seek some chocolate while it's happening. I can't stay here though. No one can without professional guidance. When I finally get to accepting that I need to park myself on the sofa with some Netflix, I hope that I'll move through the flare with as little disruption as possible. I still feel a little gross today, but I did get out of the house. I went to the grocery store, OK. Small steps.  Now I'm beat. I might not do the greatest job proofreading this post. I accept this. 

Tough titties, Oprah.

My grief is mine. I own it. Just as there's no one way to grieve after someone dies, there's no one way to grieve when your illness reminds you it's still there. If researching your condition gets you through. Do it. If prayer makes it easier, go for it. If posting online in social media or in a support forum gets you back to acceptance and that road forward, make it so. Whatever gets you back to good, choose it. May you not suffer more from someone else's judgment on your journey. That only helps the other person since they've made your coping process their business. When you're ready, you'll know it. Until then, take care of you as you know how. 

 

You do you, Moose.