The Sexiness of Chronic Conditions

I love watching movies or TV shows on streaming sites. I always laugh when they show someone who just woke up who appears refreshed and all together. Granted, they use more "natural" or "bare" make up on women now, but good gods! Seriously? No one ever looks like that, especially folks in the Chronic Illness Club.

OK, Goats. You probably look great when you wake up. Rub it in why doncha?

I believe this lack of waking up hot has to do with what it takes to help us sleep through the night. I don't know about others, but my friends and I have a variety of nighttime accouterments that prevent us from waking up hot. I'm going to share a few of mine.

Oh stop, Genie. That's not necessary.

TMJ
I grind my teeth and clench my jaw. Always have as long as I can remember. I've worn a bite splint at night for decades. It makes my bulge a bit and it makes me sound like Jimmy Jr. from Bob's Burgers if I try and talk. In the morning, its kinda stuck in the mouth and coated in saliva slop. This is just the tip of my Sexy Chronic Illness Club's evening preparations.

If all I had was a bite splint, I'd think this guy likely has it worse.

Sjogren's
I recently started using Xylimelts nighttime tablets to keep my mouth from drying out and discouraging the damage to my teeth from bacteria and plaque. Hopefully I can stave off tooth decay and gingivitis by putting these little tablets on my back molars. Both sides on the bottom so as not to interfere with my bite splint. During sleep though, you drool a bit, so you end up with oral secretions on your face. These tablets work well for keeping me from being parched in the morning, but they do make me look like a chipmunk storing seeds for winter.

Yup. Looks about right.

Acne
If you think acne isn't a chronic condition, then you've never had to live with the shame and embarrassment it brings to the party. I'm in my 40's now. Hormones are just making breakouts more common. Dammit! So, I am using Proactiv regularly. I also have these delightful Corsx acne patches that help heal blemishes more quickly. Of course, I also have sebaceous cyst issues more often than ever before in my life, so occasionally I also have to use unfiltered apple cider vinegar and a small Band-aid to help eradicate those huge lumps from my skin. Mmm. Good smell and Band-aids on my face.  It looks super sexy. I'd do me.

That's the plan, Man.

Sjogren's Part Two
Eye ointment is essential. This stuff looks like triple antibiotic ointment, but you squirt it in your eye making it impossible to see. It kinda gets goopy almost like you have pink eye so instead of perfectly made- up eyes, I get crusty eyes. I know this is painting a gorgeous picture in your head.

But how would I know? It's not like I can see with this goo in my eyes anyway.

Insomnia
Sleep is vital according to the people in the know. You need it to manage your migraines, your pain, your moods. This list is long on the sleep importance. Consequently, blocking out as much light from streetlights and for now--the longer days--is required. I've worn eye masks for years, but they have become worn out. My husband generously got me a new one that is soft, pillowy, and contains lavender and chamomile. I love it. It blocks out those pesky ointment eyes from view, too.

Now that would be problematic.

Snoring
I'm not entirely convinced I have sleep apnea, but I do have a light snoring issue that could contribute to lack of sound sleep and even my legally deaf husband can hear if he's awake next to me. Consequently, I got a chinstrap thingy that is supposed to help with the alignment of the jaw etc. to decrease the collapsing of all things snore related. Of course with the two bands trying to hold two items on my head, my hair is left sticking up all over. No stopping that bedhead. It took some getting used to, but try to feature it along with the eye mask, spit encouraging tablets, and dental appliance. I'm runway ready, baby!

Floofy Cat, why do I get snowing GIFs when I search for snoring?

The other night, my husband and I were laughing at all the things that must be part of the nocturnal preparations. It really is ridiculous to consider. Needless to say, anyone with a chronic condition like these will never look like Hollywood first in the morning actors/actresses. It ain't happening.

Still looking better than me, Moose.