Neither a Borrower, Nor a Lender Be

Scrolling along the other day, I came across one of those take-a-poll memes that attempts to be inspiring and self-reflective. It asked if we'd still be working the same job if money weren't a real thing. The goal of course being to assist me and other scrollers to follow our bliss so that the job we have never feels like a job because we love it so much.

Maybe I would've bought that plot of land in Scotland 

and gone to raise goats. 

What do you think, Goat? You and me and Scotland?

My answer at first was probably not. If money wasn't a thing, I'd have gone right to a master's program for acting. I would have moved to a major city, probably on the Pacific Northwest Coast. Let's be real here: if money were not a thing, there are a lot of implications and your chosen job is just one. Besides, if money wasn't a thing, why work in the first place? Who in the world is going to want to work in a water treatment plant processing sewage if they aren't getting royally compensated? Are there really people "called" to do this? I find it difficult to believe that someone would want to risk their life in a coal mine either. It seems like unless the money was involved, people would think "fuck this" when asked to go underground where you can die in a myriad of different ways especially when one of those ways is crushed to death. 

I don't think so either, Danny.

Congrats on your Danny DeVito Day BTW.

That aside, there are a tremendous positive implications, too. No more worrying about bills and whatnot. Prescriptions and doctor appointments and ER visits are no issue. Medical staff do it because they want to and you don't have to pay $200 for an aspirin in the ER. I don't really know how much an aspirin costs in the ER, but you get the point. People could stay home when they have a cold instead of going to work at their second job waiting tables. No pesky student loan repayments. Anyone can drive a Porsche and live in the Riviera. We could finally get that cabin in the woods far, far away from anyone else. The elderly would be taken care of because retirement villages and nursing homes wouldn't be so fricking expensive.  People would be fed because it's the right thing to do to help feed others rather than shaming them for using food stamps to buy whatever the fuck they want and you don't get a say just because you paid your taxes. Everyone could have those basic needs met: food, shelter, and clothing all available for everyone. We could all live in an age of utopian bliss!

Of course, what would Oprah give away? Everyone would already have that stuff.

As for teaching, I might actually still do it. Honestly, think about how much money is talked about in education. There's never enough. Money won't solve the problem. Teachers don't make enough. The buildings are falling apart and need some renovation. Books and school supplies cost too much. Students can't afford to pay their lunch bills.Technology is needed but we can't make it happen. The list goes on. If all that went away, think about how beautiful education could be. Learning for the sheer joy of learning! It'd be glorious.

Sure. If you wanted a deeper understanding of the many kinds of shrimp preparations, 

you could do that.

Without money, would we still compare our system to other countries via test scores? Probably not because there'd be no money in high stakes testing. We could get all the goodies to prepare students for the world in which they live. We could go on a fieldtrip to Madagascar to learn about lemurs rather than just watch a video. We could do some real authentic learning outside of four brick walls. Total immersion language learning and cultural appreciation. Maybe, just maybe we wouldn't grind teachers into the floor. Maybe, just maybe, students wouldn't lose their will to learn.

Teachers and students would no longer hear this knell of anguish.

It's an interesting idea. I don't have any clue how the world would function without money. Would we still have a trade system for goods? Would greed still be a thing if hoarding money wasn't possible? Would human beings be kinder to, gentler with, and concerned for others? I'd like to believe so, but I'm also cynical about humans. Some are gracious and benevolent even with the money system as it is. Others are just assholes. Can taking money out of the equation really fix that? I suppose that's what daydreaming is for though: a world with no assholes. 

Maybe I could just hang out with you, Moose. 

Would that be cool? You're not an asshole are you?

This Is Not The Post I Wanted To Write Today

I have a commitment to write my blog once a week. This I have done faithfully. I had a plan of what to write today. But I won't. Not today.

Nope. Nat today, Goat. Not today.

I've had a migraine since yesterday morning. I made it to my haircut. I made it through the grocery store. I even got some work done in the yard today. All with a terrible, knife-like pain through my eye and a persistent wallop across my noggin. 

That's pretty much it. GBBS-style. 

Now that I've pushed through some chores and such, I sit in my robe fighting nausea. The sunlight from a glorious spring day is leaking through from where Hissy pushed through to her gazing window. The light is not so welcome though. 

I don't think that's possible in this case, Eddie.

So that's it. That's all I got. No more. Thank you and good night.

Commitment managed, Moose. Commitment managed. Now eat your flower.

Weird Thoughts by Chronic Ilness

When you've got one or more chronic conditions, it's tough to keep a sense of humor about it. At times though, you realize that your thoughts are not like other people's thoughts due to your illnesses. That's when you start to chuckle at the absurdity of circumstances in your life. I give you random thoughts brought to you by my illnesses.

Are you trying to kiss me, Goat? Now that is absurd.

Sjogren's:
I wonder if these come in vaginal formula. 
My Xylimelts arrived this week. They work amazingly well. As I marveled one night at their efficacy, I began to think how wonderful it would be if they came in a formula for nasal passages. Then I began wondering how they'd work for a vagina. C'mon! If they can mimic saliva and make a tablet to stick to your molars, they can make a vaginal insert to keep things lubricated.

Wow. I wonder how long it took him to learn how to do that.

Migraines:
Did someone puke in here?  That's definitely vomit.
I was sitting at our tax appointment a few weeks back, and I kept smelling vomit. It was awful. Truly. It was nauseating to me, which made it all the worse. When we left, I asked my husband if he had smelled it. He had not. I did get a migraine a bit later that day though. Consequently, that vomit was part of my pre-pain fun. It also comes in dog poo and secondhand smoke varieties. Nothing like playing "Pile of puke or migraine? You make the call."

He must've gotten it right.

Von Willebrand's:
Can I wear something that shows my legs or will someone think I'm a victim of domestic violence?(That really happened a few years back. No lie.) This week it was actually warm enough to wear a knee-length dress that showed off my paler than pale legs. Before I left the house I thought I should check my current bruise situation. Sure enough, I had a lovely purple one on the back of my right leg that looked like I'd been thwacked with a croquet mallet. I had other smaller ones as well, but that purple one was something to behold. It kinda matched the dress actually. No idea what happened to create such a piece of bruised glory, but there it was for all to see.

Run over by guinea pigs is one theory, but I think I'd remember that.

Fibromyalgia:
Please gods don't let him/her hug me. Pleaseohpleaseohplease. Shit!
When my fibro is being pissy, I dread hugging. People I know are really into hugging. A friend of mine even got into a bit of a huff with me over the whole social hugging thing when I expressed my dislike of hugging especially with people I am not overly familiar with. Apparently my social boundaries and fibro pains should be less of a consideration than someone I don't know wanting to throw their arms around me. This was before people talked about body autonomy. It's fun to be hugging someone while all the while you are screaming in your head, "For the love of all that is sacred stop  hugging me!"

What? It should be a thing. 

Lupus:
Is that what they mean by "frothy" or is that just toilet cleaner solution?
Frothy urine is a sign of kidney complications in lupus folk. I've since determined that at work in the morning, it is indeed the custodian's cleaner that makes urine frothy before the toilet gets flushed a few dozen times. I know around the house when it's toilet cleaner, but in a public bathroom it's always a consideration that just makes you ponder the pee in the bowl way more than you ordinarily would.

Well, that's never happened. But I'm fairly certain it's not lupus related.

Anxiety:
Do I actually feel better?
This thought is absurd, but not funny. It's actually a bit terrifying because if you think you feel better and go do something, will you then feel awful and pay for it later? Do you stay home because you surely can't feel better and that other shoe is just waiting to drop? When hope breeds anxiety, you've reached a whole new level of absurdity.

Oh Ross! I'd always keep an appointment with you. Have no fear.

I'm sure these aren't the only random and ridiculous thoughts that my conditions will visit upon me. There will be more that are as equally odd as this list in my future I'm sure. For now though, I am going to risk going to a shindig at the dance studio this afternoon. I may even show off my bruises and hug someone.

 You're right, Moose. Let's not get carried away.

Dry Spell

Here we are in the second week of April; well into spring. However, in Montana we seem to be experiencing second winter. It was about 20 on Friday, about 30 yesterday, and today it looks like we might get to 38. Of course, we're at 28 right now. *sigh* I'm not going to complain too much about it though as I want to get as much precipitation as possible to avoid another catastrophic fire season. Along with the winter temperatures and snow though the winter dryness persists.

How you doin' with that dryness, Goat 1 and Goat 2? 

I don't spend much time talking about Sjogren's as other issues have taken the forefront in recent months. Winter dryness is difficult for everyone, but when you have Sjogren's it is just that much worse. You can use all the recommendations for dry skin and eyes that you read online like pat your skin dry after a shower, only spend 5 minutes in the shower with lukewarm water, use lotion while your skin is still wet, and run a humidifier. Even with all those, Sjogren's folks are dry like the dust bowl.

That's about right.

I've been searching for a facial skin regimen that will work for me. I tried the Korean Y.E.T. cleanser that uses snail slime as a moisturizer. It has a strong fragrance that I'm not fond of, but it does moisturize nicely. You have to use it consistently, not just once or twice a week for it to really be a benefit. I also use lavender day and night lotion from Avalon Organics. Love the smell, but it's not enough. A friend recommended a Crystal Charcoal Black Mask Sheet-Collagen to help moisturize and that is wonderful. I have to use it twice a week. Honestly, I'd like to use it more often, but I'll follow the label. Still though, my skin gets dry and flaky. Not as bad without these items, but still. You'd think my face would be happy and soft. Nopers. Still flaky. *sigh* I've even tried using a mask of baking soda once a week. Then there's the unfiltered apple cider vinegar as an astringent. Both of these help too, but I haven't found the precise formula with all these options that will keep the flakiness away. The ACV really helps with blackheads, which is a bonus. Work in progress I guess.

I can put the lotion on my skin you sicko. Won't make it better for anyone.

Then there's the rest of your skin that needs special care as well. Not only do I have to pat dry after a shower, I have to put a water activated lotion on before the pat down. I also have Gold Bond Extra Strength Medicated for when the skin on my legs is so itchy I can't bear it. I've broken blood vessels in my legs from scratching. I have lotion at school of course since I wash my hands after using the bathroom as well as before eating and after eating. I wash a lot. Let's just leave it at that. The trick is to find that lotion that moisturizes without making your skin break out. I read an advice article about products for Sjogren's dryness and ordered some items online. The Alba body butter should be here soon. Hopefully the fragrance won't be too strong that it sets off a migraine. Fingers crossed.

You got it, Kathy. Strong smells ain't worth it. Nuh-uh.

The dryness also makes your eyes a HUGE issue. A few years back I got the plugs in my eye ducts. This is common in dry climates like this one. Despite this, I have had to use just about every brand of moisturizing contact solution as well as every brand of eye drops. It's unreal. When you have Sjogren's, your days of wearing contacts are numbered. I wear my contacts sparsely now. A few times a week I wear glasses instead to work. I just can't face the contacts some mornings. I also wear glasses all weekend. I use Systane drops in the morning and the afternoon. I use the ointment tears overnight. Still got the grit and dryness lately. Those contacts come out as soon as I get home. I keep a pair of glasses in my purse in case the contacts have to come out while I'm at work. I've rubbed my dry, gritty eyes so much that I've caused stippled bruising around my eyes. I've even scratched my eyeball more than once from the rubbing. Last time, I had a rather large fuzzy spot in my field of vision and had to go see the eye doctor.

Almost, but it was right in the center of my vision field. And round.

Interesting side note: he totally hit on me. He gave me his personal cell number and made it clear that he doesn't give it to just anyone and there was that emphasis when he handed the card to me. He held it until I made eye contact, then he let go. Peeper creeper.

You get the idea.

When you have Sjogren's, you totally have to up your dental hygiene too. Brush twice a day with a preservative free toothpaste. Floss at least once (but twice is better) a day. Use a mouth rinse. Biotene is popular, but I didn't like it at all. The Total Care from Listerine works for me, and they do make it alcohol-free. Then there's also the take a water bottle with you wherever you go strategy. I'm also trying some lozenges that promise to create more saliva. Spry mints for during the day and Xylimints for at night. I've had a lot of sores and blisters in my maw lately, so I am trying to get back to the oil pulling as well. I fell off my routine with that one. Oops. Since that lapse, I've not only had more mouth sores, but I've had bleeding gums and broken teeth. Three in fact. In the last year. I also had a cavity last check up. First one since I started using the oil pulling, so best get back at that one. With Sjogren's, be prepared for dental insurance. I finally started buying it three years ago because some of my molars have significant fillings where they've broken and crowns are in my near future. Insurance assholes like to say they won't pay for crowns until after you've had insurance for at least a year. Bastards.

Fucking racket, right Eric?

Nasal sores are also a thing as are sores at the corner of the mouth. Thankfully, bacitracin helps clear those up overnight. Ayr nasal salts or spray also keep things moist and free from bleeding in the sniffer.

I'm not entirely sure what's going on here either, 

but it is definitely not helping nasal dryness.

For women, there's the added bonus of vaginal dryness. Just get comfortable with lube people. It's your friend. Some use coconut oil for this. What don't people use coconut oil for amirite? Some years ago I was talking about sex and intimacy with a close friend. The topic of lube came up and I mentioned how I was experiencing terrible dryness and sex without lube was painful. She kinda snorted and said that she's never had that problem. It came out rather judgey like because I needed lube, my sex life was clearly not as good as hers. She'd probably be horrified to think about her response now, but it made me mad at the time. I mentioned to her that she was lucky to have such plentiful vaginal lubrication instead of the unending drought of my Sjogren's vagina. The conversation ended at that point.

Oh yes, Mr. Dinklage. You've got it right there.

Lastly, I'm trying some omega-3 again. The pills are huge and hard to swallow. With the Sjogren's, pills can get stuck a lot. Large ones are even worse. Krill is stupid expensive, so the smaller size is easier, but too damned costly. Flax seed is nice, but it's not enough at 3 tablespoons a day. Last time I was on omega-3 fish oil, I started getting really nauseated. My GI doc told me to stop the fish oil. That was years ago; I'm hoping it's been long enough that I can try again. I found some liquid type instead to put in my smoothie etc. I'm hoping it helps without the nausea. When I was taking the pills, I was taking a fairly high dose and my rheumy was worried about the fact that I was still so dry. We'll see how this goes.

No witty remark about my fish oil. It's just terribly cute.

Almost 20 years ago it all started with repeatedly blocked and infected salivary glands. It took a lupus flare for the doctors to figure out that the salivary gland problem was actually a symptom of Sjogren's. The dryness is the most well-known issue with Sjogren's, but there are plenty of others like the peripheral neuropathy and organ involvement and achy joints etc. as well as the skin and brain lesions. Google those skin images. I dare ya. There's also the added benefit of lymphoma. I have a family history as well, so there's that. Yeah me.

Why hello there Tom. Nice distraction technique you have there.

Anyway, winter can go away now. I'm ready for warmer temperatures and sunny skies. My parched body is ready, too. Pardon me, but it's time for my afternoon eye drops.

Be sure you pat dry and moisturize when you get out, Moose.

This Week I Learned

My husband spends a lot of time on Reddit. He prefers it to any other social media. I've perused it and I do have an account. I enjoyed a few AMA (ask me anything) threads. I love their puns list. I also enjoy the Today I Learned threads. As a teacher, I think identifying those little tidbits of learning are important throughout life. So, I have opted to use the Reddit idea for this week's post: This Week I Learned (TWIL).

Yes, Goat. Sit in quiet contemplation of all you've learned this week.

Don't trust the bra size "helpers" online.

I needed a new bra. My old one wasn't the greatest fit, so I consulted the internet for a measurement guide. According to the guide, I needed a 32DD. A what? Yes, a 32DD. I was immediately skeptical and asked my husband to check my measurement. Yup. I got it right. For shits and giggles, I tried the only 32DD I could find at the store. Low and behold, the band was good, but holy dear gods! My breasts would not be contained. 

 Oh Sir Patrick. You're so British in your understated assessment.

Nursing bras are the best-fitting and supportive bras ever.

I discovered this by accident when I had to find a bra the old-fashioned way. I just picked up a racer back bra that looked like it was well-supported and padded enough to hide the GASP! Nipping out phenomenon. Once I figured out how to put the damned thing on, I was astonished to discover what hoards of pregnant women probably already know. These bras are amazing. No lie. I bought a nursing bra. I love it and make no apologies.

Yeah, you knew about it and didn't tell me, Linda. Kept that to yourself you did.

We're just living House of Cards season 4.

Honestly, when the story about Cambridge Analytica dropped, the first thing I thought of was House of Cards. They did a whole story line about data mining and manipulating search engine results to win an election. This may be a chicken and egg thing, but how surreal is it to recognize a fictional plot in real life? At least Law and Order ripped their stories from headlines, not the other way around. I was not surprised that social media was manipulated. Anyone who was surprised clearly hasn't been paying attention.

Oh Buttercup. What do you have planned next?

Life with less Facebook is pleasant.

I finally took the plunge and did what I had been thinking about for a long time: I deleted Facebook from my phone. I didn't ever have messenger, so I was not missing out on much there. However, I did check FB on my phone quite a lot. I had already started limiting my FB engagement after the New Year, so this was a logical next step. It was odd to get used to, but I must say I like the reduced access. I'm also very thankful I never started a Twitter account.

Yup. Like that, Bilbo. 

Life with less beer is ok, too.

I thought it'd be harder. I was wrong. I would like one on Friday nights, but I have found some delightful orange spiced tea from Seattle that makes fantastic fridge tea. 

Well, maybe if you asked, Helen. I couldn't resist a pint with you. 

My mom thinks honey might help my migraines.

I know she's doing this out of love, and I appreciate her concern and Dr. Google skills. However, honey is not a proven strategy for migraines. If a spoonful of honey worked, I'd be thrilled. It's not that easy. Ever. At all.

It only works in the movies. 

There are four species of moose.

I adore moose. I think they are goofy, temperamental, elusive, and fantastic beasts. I knew that the moose in Vermont and the moose in Montana and the moose in Alaska all seemed a bit different in appearance, but I figured that they might appear different because of the geography. Alaska is less populated and therefore animals can grow larger; thus leading to HUGE MOOSE! But it's actually four different species in North America. I'm particularly fond of the ones that look like they have mustaches.

Wrong moose, Sam. But your lips work, too.

People who think unions protect bad teachers are wrong.

The folks who consider themselves fiscally conservative and pro right-to-work like to spout how unions protect bad teachers. Uggh! They misunderstand the point of unions and tenure. With the teachers striking in Oklahoma, I've heard this anthem a lot again. First, tenure is not easy to earn. Second, if you totally screw up and break the rules, the union will not protect you. For example during the student walk out for gun regulations, we were told that as teachers, we could not legally walk out. If we chose to walk out, the union could not and would not protect us from repercussions. Also, I've known six teachers who were fired in my district alone, one of whom lost her position just this week. They had tenure, but they screwed up and did not have their contracts renewed. It happens. The difference is, the districts need cause to fire. Unions also ensure that teachers who are struggling face mediation first; this is where teachers and administrators work together to improve the teacher's performance. Whereas with right to work, they don't have to do anything. If the district is facing a financial shortfall, they can fire teachers who are higher up the pay scale in order to save money if there's no union to argue it. That means the more experienced and effective teachers could be fired. Unions are good things. People who think otherwise can piss off.

'nuff said.

People who say money isn't the issue with schools are wrong.

In any business, lack of funds means lack of quality and lack of survival. My district is facing yet another financial crisis and is therefore running a levy. Even if this levy passes, the district will still be short over 200K. We've been operating below budget for several years. Last year, the district reduced teaching staff by 22. We'll have to reduce staff by that much again. We've cut 80 teaching positions since 2007 as well as administrative, janitorial, and counseling positions. We need to maintain a certain level and positions in areas including librarians and administrators in order to meet accreditation standards. Reducing staff means loss of programs and loss of support for students. People say that trades jobs are necessary right now. However, with a reduction in staff, those programs like our successful automotive, welding, and construction certification training will be cut. That's just one example. The levy is less than 20 dollars a year for the average home value in this city of 150K. That's about the cost of a pizza. Learning all these facts and figures was brutal. And  yet, the levy is  likely going to fail. Our district used to be glorious in its achievements, fiscally responsible practices, and commitment to providing the best possible education to the student who rely on us. However, with these continued budget cuts, we will end up like those schools in Oklahoma that have broken chairs, peeling paint, lack of textbooks, and water damaged walls. My sister's building has a water damaged roof that has a tarp and a hose running into a bucket...in the cafeteria. Money is also needed to meet the emotional well-being of students. Counselors, therapists, and mentors are all on the chopping block. Like it or not, money is an issue and denying that is only hurting the students.

Oh! That's right. They're all broken and you have to sit on the floor, which is dirty because we don't have custodians any longer; it's also broken and cracked because we can't repair it. And there aren't any rugs or cushions because your teacher can't afford to supply yet another item for your education.

I can't support Tom's of Maine any longer.

Tom's of Maine runs their business as one in the same to a ministry, so I need to find another brand of preservative free toothpaste. I need to find another anti-antiperspirant, too. While people are free to run their business as they see fit, that doesn't mean I have to support them by buying their products. When I learn about religious affiliations like this one, I just can't give my money over. They follow their conscience; I follow mine.

What brand do you use, Meryl?

I don't always enjoy the things I learn, but life is all about learning. Learn. Make choices and decisions based on that learning. Keep seeking out new things to learn. There's so much out there; some of it is little, some of it blows your mind. Taking time out to reflect on all your learning makes you realize just how much you didn't really know in the first place. And that is humbling.

Seriously. Four species of moose. That's amazeballs.

So are the mustaches.

(photo from Northwest Trek Wildlife Park)

Excuses and Excusals

It's a lovely Sunday afternoon. My husband and I just watched one of the classic romances of all times: The Princess Bride. It's truly one of my favorite movies, but in the light of all the information and discussion and liberation of sexual misdeeds over the last few years, I couldn't help but notice how poorly Buttercup gets treated; she's really more of an object at times than a real person. I still love it, but it is interesting how our modern understandings change our perceptions of beloved tales. Of course, before sitting down to watch, I read a story on The Guardian about more sexual allegations and assaults. This time in the Jehovah's Witness church.

I know, Goat. SMDH right there with ya.

In this story, it's not unlike others that have broken regarding sexual abuse of minors in the confines and secrecy of a church. Children and teens taken advantage of, their innocence taken away, and then shame and punishment for them, not the offender. Stories of young teens having before marriage sex and having to appear before a panel of all men, Elders, and recounting their experience.Was it once only? Where was it? Did you enjoy it? So much for privacy. For the abused, it's somewhat similar, but they make it one major degree worse: did anyone else witness the act? How fucked up is that? It must be seen or heard by another party because God forbid they accept the word of the victim. They of course follow the lead of the Catholic Church and keep it all safe and quiet from police and others. Until now. The abused are emboldened by the courage of others and will not be silenced.

Time to wake up, people. 

The church-whatever one in question-likes to keep abuse quiet and keep the victims in shame.

Consider the scandal that rocked the internet: Andy Savage sobbing in front of his congregation and asking for their forgiveness. Not Jules Woodson's forgiveness mind you. Not the young woman he forced to give him a blowjob and not the young woman whose breasts he groped before he begged her to take the incident to the grave--to protect himself with no regard for her. She was a 17 year old who trusted him and he assaulted her. He used his position to gain access to her young flesh and he then used their church to not only escape justice, but to then receive the forgiveness of all in his congregation because he felt bad about it. I'm sure he did, but I bet Jules felt worse. He likely felt bad just because he got caught and couldn't see another way out except through the veil of faith and belief and victim blaming that exists in the Evangelical realm. Savage won't lose a damned thing. He gets to keep his name, his ministry, and his freedom because he's repented and received forgiveness through the church. He has God's grace, so no need to discuss it further. Time to move on.

Oh yes, JenLaw. That's the way it works.

I'm sure I need not remind anyone of the Catholic Church's scandal. It's likely the most well-known. This wide-spread cover up has some things in common with the Savage assault: forgiveness and cover-up through the church. You see, when a report came forward, the higher up priests would simply move the offending priest somewhere else. The offender of course received forgiveness through the sanctity of the confessional. The victims of course know this and must accept that God has forgiven the priest who raped them. They will know they will never receive legal justice because the priest has repented, God has forgiven, and the young victim need only repent and pray for guidance. Trust the Church and your faith will set you free. Never mind that it was a church representative who assaulted you. Don't concern yourself that it was a church representative who let the sex offender go free. Ignore the warning in your gut that tells you the predator will just offend again on some other trusting, young, impressionable follower.

That's right, Sloth. You called it faster than any church ever.

It's difficult for me to see any church as "of God" when stories like these keep coming to light. A friend of mine who was raised Evangelical told me once that churches like hers are now considered forms of emotional abuse. I wasn't surprised as I had also read about the clinical view of church indoctrination. I was surprised to hear it from her as she had been so devout growing up. My family is still quite devout in the Catholic Church. My mom has grown more so over the years. She'll "be Catholic til [she] die[s]". Her words. Not mine. I have a hard time sitting with the family at gatherings and listening to them pray before meals or watch them take our niece and nephew to mass. It turns my stomach that they continue to go to mass; to accept the line about repentance and how the action of one person (A lot of men actually. Too many to count really.) should not sully the faithful; to provide tithes that fuel the systemic secrecy of sexual misconduct. They should pray for the offenders' souls and rest comfortable in the loving arms of their church. God loves them.

Oh, Dorothy. Sometimes it's hard not to.

 I am both fascinated by world faiths and horrified. I am not so naive as to think there is any faith exempt from sexual assaults. Not even Pagans; although I'd like to think that the Pagans would not protect the predator. Humans are humans and there are perverts in any organization. But when the organization protects criminals who put the youngest and most vulnerable at risk, they become a tool of evil. If I believed in the Devil, I'd point at those holy men and women and call them servants of Satan. That is what they are when they cover up and shame the victims. They are Lucifer's minions when they forgive the beasts who hunt their children. Participating in an organization that knowingly and willfully allowed predators to not only go free from prosecution, but also allowed them to prey on more innocents is something I cannot understand. I don't want to honestly. But what should I expect from organizations that believe babies are sinful when born and must be cleansed through baptism? 

Suffer little children to come unto God, right? 

Are You Trying to Avoid Me?

During my second summer with the Creative Pulse grad program, a bunch of us went to lunch at a funky little bistro across from campus. I had been diagnosed with lupus about 5 years prior, and I had eliminated alfalfa sprouts from my diet. This was easy as I had never been big on alfalfa anyway. However, there was a sandwich I really wanted. Unfortunately it had alfalfa sprouts, but I really wanted that sandwich. I rationalized that it's less than a handful, so what's the big deal? Turns out, it wasn't a big deal. But one of my mates said, "Well, if it triggers lupus flares, why are you eating it?" I didn't appreciate the judgmental look and insinuation that I wasn't taking care of myself. but I said, "Because I want the sandwich, and I don't know if alfalfa will actually affect me at all." This was true, but in retrospect, I rather resent having to justify my dietary choices to someone I barely knew. Anyone who has had to navigate the chronic condition waters knows this feeling because there are droves of things to avoid in life once you get that diagnosis.

Don't you get judgy on me, too Goat.

I do avoid things that I do know trigger me. One summer we had about 25 pounds of tomatoes; not kidding. We ate tomato soup a lot. We had tuna salad on tomatoes. We had tomato juice, sauce, and salads. Tomato everywhere. Of course, being a nightshade it did eventually create some inflammation. people with autoimmune disorders are often warned about them. I had to eat pounds of them daily for any kind of response. Consequently, I should avoid eating pounds of tomatoes. 

Looks fun, right?

I avoid the sun. It gives me lesions. I have always burned mind you, but since the lupus, I am very cautious of the sun especially when I'm feeling slightly lupie. Usually, oodles of oxide sunblock keeps things in check, but sometimes all the UV clothing and big hats aren't enough. The spots, the lesions, the rashes come on me. So I avoid the sun most of the time. 

Creepy or divinely funky?

I avoid beans, apples, pears, and wheat because they trigger my IBS. It's terribly unpleasant to have intense stomach cramps that wake you up in the middle of the night because you've eaten something tasty like an apple or less than a 1/2 cup of black beans in a burrito. The urgent diarrhea is no treat either at 130am. As a result, I avoid those foods as much as possible. 

They are ever so tempting.

I avoid sulfa drugs, which makes matters tough because I also have a reaction to penicillin. The penicillin gives me lesions in my mouth, but the sulfa brings on full-scale, stay in bed, everything hurts so don't touch me flares. Both are on my contraindicated meds list at the doctors' offices.

 Pick one. I bet it's to be avoided.

I avoid most rose` wines and some red wines because some of them give me an instant migraine. Not all, so I identify the ones that do and stay away from them. Unfortunately, sometimes even the ones I think are ok, aren't. I can get away with one glass, but not a second; sometimes I can't even get through one glass. Sangria though tends to be an absolute no-no as it usually has copious amounts sugar in it. Obviously, I avoid a lot of wine.

No can do, Karen.

It gets tiresome though. It's fucking annoying if I am to be completely honest. You see, sometimes the foods you are to avoid for one condition are ones that are recommended for others. Take beans for example. They are high in the FODMAPS. which means all the IBS lists say stay away. But then you doctor (the GP not GI) tells you to get more fiber like in beans or whole wheat. Well beans are out thanks. The whole wheat though is carb heavy and while it may be ok for some with IBS, it makes my tummy just as angry as others. I still love a good pastrami on rye, but I know it's going to make me miserable, so I avoid the wheat, multigrain or whole wheat, or sourdough even. Although sourdough and rye aren't usually quite as painful that I've noticed anyway. I still avoid them as a general rule though.

Sure, they look innocent when they're sleeping, but don't be fooled.

Med woes also complicate the avoidance issue. I take Lamictal for migraines. This med is actually for seizures, but I take it and it messes with my balance and sleep. I already have balance issues thanks to migraines, but now it's just that much more fun. The insomnia and sleep disturbance of course make it tough to sleep all night (we won't even talk about the horrid nightmares). A steady sleep schedule is important for migraines and autoimmune disorders. I do my best, but I can't avoid the Lamictal according to my doctor. There aren't too many med options left on the migraine list.

Seriously. Pick one.

I eat a low carb diet to reduce the inflammation in my body. It also helps with the weight maintenance mind you, but I did it primarily to manage the lupus et al. Now this way of eating is great because it eliminates the wheat and sugar etc. However, it also means you have to eat a lot of vegetable. Sounds great, right? Until the broccoli, cauliflower, and Brussels sprouts you love turn on you. When I did the elimination IBS diet, these three vegetable that I adore came out on the iffy side of life. I had mashed cauliflower and steamed broccoli on the same plate the other night and paid for it. I need to be more careful with them. One at a time, not two and definitely not three. 

Only once in a while, Dana.

Another thing I have to avoid is alcohol. On my low carb  diet, I'm not supposed to have a lot of beer, but one now and then is ok. Cider is out because of IBS and apples, but IBS allows for one or two beers. Wine is ok on the IBS and low carbs too; one or two now and then mind you. But as I stated earlier, the migraine makes that one tougher. However, alcohol is out-out now because my rheumy upped my blood pressure med, which is also a migraine deterrent and also a Raynaud's treatment. That's enough interactions with alcohol especially since this one can become either ineffective or it will reduce the workings of the heart. Kinda want to keep that one working for me, thanks. So I'm on the wagon completely for a while to see how this med does. I figure after a few months off the alcohol, I can then talk to my GP about it and get his thoughts. By then though, I might not want alcohol at all.

Or this could happen.

Just kidding.

Currently, I am avoiding a sleep study. My rheumy thought it'd be worthwhile since I am fatigued and the options for lupus treatment are mostly for the active inflammation, not the fatigue. Benlysta was supposed to treat the fatigue, but that didn't go well. Of course, the fact that I have the meds that mess with my sleep couldn't possibly be a factor in the fatigue, ya know. So, I looked for ideas to add to my already long list of good night's sleep strategies. I have blackout curtains. I go to bed at the same time each night. I have an eye mask if I feel I need it. My room isn't that hot; we have the heat set to go lower overnight making the room is fairly cool. I never drank alcohol or ate spicy food or caffeine before bed. But I have started to sleep in socks. Apparently it's a thing to help sleep. I also do 4-7-8 breathing if my mind won't shut off. I've stopped looking at my phone before bed. I don't do anything but sleep in the bed now; well, except for nookie. But that doesn't count. I really don't think sleep apnea is my issue and sleep studies sound horrendous. I figure if I work on my weight and stick to my current sleep strategy, I should be able to avoid a sleep study. Let's be honest, have you known anyone to go in for a sleep study who didn't come out needing one of those damn machines? Me either. I would even take up didgeridoo before a sleep study. Yes, playing the didgeridoo is a thing for sleep apnea. 

Note the lack of snoring. This is the goal.

But one thing I can't stand is the judgy-ness of others. If I dare to eat a pear, I will. If I want a glass of red wine with an anniversary meal, I will. I don't need someone else looking down on me for not doing enough to manage my conditions. I don't need someone lumping me in with the gluten-free non-Celiac crowd fadsters because I have a flour taco. I don't need anyone else's judgment because I do enough on my own, thank you. Don't step on my self-flagellation. I got it covered.

Et Tu`, Moose?