Frozen

I haven't written much. How can I? It's just overwhelming lately. An incompetent president, a government unraveling, a deluge of assault stories, and yet another goddamned shooting.

Baffles me too, Goat. We should be able to do something about that last one.

I'm frozen. It feels like the snow on roof slid down on my head. It's chilling. It's freezing here. If only it had made my skin into some kind of icy armor. But here I am. Hiding out in my robe avoiding the literal snow and the deep freeze I feel at every headline. It's a whiteout.

Gorgeous and terrifying this picture. Bring on the gorgeous.

Around here we get Chinook winds that give us a break from the winter weather warnings. Reports for the week don't show breaks in the early and fierce winter. I have Sorel boots, a warm knit scarf and hat, and my gloves are ready to wear. We Montanans know how to brave the storms.

I have an electric bed warmer, too. Sorry, Moose.

At least that's one armor I have.

Rolling in the Dark

We're halfway through October. The dark part of the year continues to encroach on the precious daylight. Frost on windshields, scarves around necks, and hands in gloves start to appear. The final harvest is upon us.

 No, Goat. Samhain's ahead still. 16 days yet.

I spent part of today in the backyard tidying the herb garden and the vegetable garden. My husband spent most of his time turning and tending to his compost while I trimmed raspberries, cleared out the herbs (they make the compost smell better), and pulled some overgrown and icky weeds. I poured the containers of compost on to hubby's tilling piles and he showed me an earthworm as big around as my thumb! Clearly, the compost is doing well.

I imagine the worms and the other soil bugs will be feasting like this tonight.

Now I am back inside and about as alert as jelly. I absolutely love this time of year and making the yard ready for winter, but even just the two hours today wiped me out. I really should just take a nap, but I might not wake back up before morning. Still though, I pondered the dark half of the year today as I toiled in the yard.

Samhain will be rather bright with the full moon arriving on November 3, but still: darkness.

A big part of the time leading up to Samhain deals with honoring ancestors. While I know this is intended to be for all the human family, I was struck today by how much I truly miss Poofus. He was our first furry member of the family and he was my familiar. He would protect me, he curled up and participated in circle with me, and he snuggled with me. I loved him dearly. Today as I cleared out the herbs, I cleared off his grave, too. I pulled weeds and brushed away the leaves. I replaced the stones that had slid down. We still live with three other felines, but none of them are quite as familiar as Poof. Maybe it's just me not being as into rituals as I used to be. Hissy would like to step up as familiar, but the young one, Klaus, just torments her. He's so curious about circle and ritual. His presence though is something that Hissy cannot abide in circle. Klaus doesn't quite get it.

Miss you, Poofus. 

I've been meditating quite a lot on my dark self. As I meditate, I realize certain aspects of myself that I'm not particularly fond of. One is my anger. While my meditation and yoga and breathing and Valerian root all help keep me on an even keel, sometimes my anger switch flips and I'm told I am rather scary since most of the time I appear to be unflappable. It catches people by surprise. I don't like this temper, so perhaps it is something I can write on paper and burn come Samhain.

Sometimes it just boils up and spills over.

I'm also a bit of a coward. I think people would find this surprising, but I do tend to take the easy way out; usually for fear of failing. Awful, right? It's part of my anxiety I know--the whole not feeling secure in my own wellness that I don't want to let people down and I don't want to commit only to have to back out. Today for example, I am really scared that my yard work will make tomorrow's work day foggy and exhausting leading to me being almost non-functioning at dance. It's a hole that will get deeper and deeper. It's easier just not to exert so I can avoid all that spiraling fatigue and disappointment. No is easier even when it makes me look like an asshole. Again, maybe write it down and burn it.

This could very well be how I feel tomorrow...and for a few days after.

Another part of my dark side involves the penchant for morbid thoughts. Paganism has made me a lot less fearful of death. I'm not afraid of it like I was with the whole go to heaven or suffer eternity in hell that Catholicism taught me. I figure, once I gave up that duality, I accepted the whole cycle of life and death a lot more. I will die. People I love will die. My feline companions will die. Somehow, I can't help pondering how though. Once in a while, I will wonder how the end will come--will Link (our Maine coon) get run over while he's out protecting the neighborhood? Will Klaus get snagged by a raptor the way Ansel (a rabbit) was? Will my mom have that heart attack that she thought she avoided with her surgery three years ago? Will my husband and I die in a car crash when we drive to see Depeche Mode next weekend? It's weird. I don't fear the deaths, but I also think about them more than most people I reckon. Again, write it down, burn it, and replace it with an enjoyment of life as it is.

Soar upward and let it burst forth. Say goodbye.

Ah well. It's the darkness in all of us that Samhain forces us to confront. Mortality, loss, and unfortunate character traits crop up in the dreams, the meditations, the interactions. While Halloween is a delightful holiday to celebrate, Samhain goes deeper and drudges up the aspects we'd rather leave in the dark recesses. Some believe the veil is thinnest between the world of the living and the world of the dead. I feel more like the veil between the self I show others and the dark self I keep mostly in my thoughts thins. Call it out. Acknowledge it. Burn it. That's how I roll with the darkness.

 

That's right, Moose. Spend some time pondering the darkness.

Gut Reaction

When I was a kid, my family went to Glacier Park and Kalispell for a short vacation. We wanted to see the bald eagle gathering at McDonald Creek and see the fall colors. It was  fun trip and the fancy dinner was supposed to be one of those kids get to order whatever they want and have Shirley Temples kind of affairs. However, I didn't even make it through the salad course before my belly started hurting so bad I couldn't move without agony. It was the area right about where my diaphragm is. I'd had this pain before and it was intense. I had to leave the table and went to lie down in the car, but the pain only got worse. This is one of my earliest memories of IBS.

Don't mock me, Goat. That's not very nice.

At the time, I didn't know it was IBS. That term came along much later. My mom thought I was just attention seeking or that I had a run of the mill tummy ache from eating too many of the saltines before the meal. I loved the complimentary crackers and butter at restaurants. She may have been closer on that second suspicion. It could have been the crackers. I didn't pay much attention then, but I do now.

Yes, Obama. You're right of course.

Apparently, when you fall off the rails of Paleo eating, your IBS comes back full throttle. *sigh* I've had a lot of intestinal distress, and after trying a few weeks of increasing my fiber intake to no avail, I got to see a gastroenterologist. I started on some probiotics instead since the fiber increase was only making matters worse, not better. I'll spare you the gory details, but it was so uncomfortable and it made me so cranky that I was fairly well hating things. After two weeks of kefir and Align and IBGuard, things are not really getting better. *another sigh*

Thanks for the sympathy, Scully.

I wanted to avoid the FODMAPS elimination diet. I thought increasing my probiotics would help. I think it did bit, but not enough. I was still having tummy pain and getting bloated and backed up. You know what I mean. My two week experiment ends in two days, which means to the elimination diet I go.

I know, Picard. No Earl Grey, hot for me.

The Paleo thing will help my resolve. However, there are some other restrictions that will be difficult. No onion or garlic, which are two of my favorite food flavorings. I simply adore garlic and we always add more garlic than is asked for in recipes. Not for the next two weeks dammit! I can't have asparagus either. I love that vegetable.  Avocados are out, too. Sonofabitch! Some items on the list won't be tough to avoid like breads, but the list of things that I adore being off limits is going to suck ass for the coming weeks.  Cashews, almond flour, and hummus, too. Mushrooms? You've gone too far FODMAPS. Shitsticks!

You and me both, Hugh.

I can do this. I can do this. Friday with the family is going to be tough. It's already been tough with the Paleo thing, but this is even worse. I simply don't know how things are going to turn out. They already think my diet is wonky and I'm always trying something else to make it better. This is just one more thing right? Fuck!

Kitty feels my pain.

I can have eggs. I can have bacon as long as it doesn't have nitrates. I can have corn chips and berries and coconut milk. There's a long list of things I can have. Luckily, I've made friends with beets, so that will help. We have plenty of squashes to choose from. I will not go hungry. I am fortunate to have access to these foods. I can do this.

That's right, Blanche. Thanks for vote of confidence.

Of course, the IBS pamphlet from my GI doctor lists other suggestions. Eating better is among them. Of course it is. I knew that. I didn't have an awful diet like many Americans, but it wasn't the true Paleo that it had been. Another suggestion is of course to manage your stressful situations. Screw you and your reduce stressful situations. That can't be helped. I'm a fucking special education teacher. It's the territory. Besides, I do things to manage it thank you very much. Another is to exercise regularly. Bite me. I do that, too. Elimination and then slowly add back food is the way to go. I already know apples give me belly aches. Fine. No apples during the fall. Fucksticks! Garlic and onion will be the first items added back That's just the way it will be. I hope they aren't the culprits.

That's exactly what I'll do, Jimmy.

Hopefully this will reveal what foods make my belly hurt. May it show which ones cause the bloat. Exposing the offending food that makes my gut gurgle and my colon refuse to release the poo would really be a relief. I'm sure my husband would be pleased if my noxious flatulence was curtailed by identifying the villainous food. I can do this. I can do this. *sigh*

Keep looking, Moose. You might find something else I can eat. I'll check my list first just in case.

Religious Freedom My Ass

I've had about enough of people whining about how their religious freedoms are being infringed upon by being asked to cover a medication that only women need. A medication that has a wide variety of applications just for women's needs. A medicine needed to manage pain and discomfort and bleeding, but because someone along the line told these religious faithful that the medication was evil and went against God, they should not use it. Consequently, even though someone else who does not hold those same religious beliefs is now not able to have that medicine covered by insurance. This is utter bullshit.

Yeah. Makes me want to scream too, Goat.

It is bullshit because there's  not a real good equivalence impacting men in the same way. Sometimes the idea of erectile dysfunction medication comes up (haha! see what I did there with the pun?). Anyway, some people, myself included, feel that if women can't have birth control covered, then men shouldn't get erectile dysfunction medications. The same argument for not restricting access to both medicines applies: women use birth control for other medical conditions. Men use medications like Viagra for other purposes like heart conditions and high blood pressure. In both cases, the person who needs the medication should not have to justify their prescription to anyone. No one. Not an employer. Not an insurance company. To no one because of bodily autonomy and privacy.
Furthermore, no one is talking about the idea of men's penises in this discussion except the people who support coverage for birth control and call out the double standard. Maybe because no church would limit a man's ability to procreate, but they would try to exert control over women. Especially those women who have the audacity to call them on their bullshit.

Glad we agree on this, Wilfred.

I actually find myself agreeing with the Satanists on this topic. According to the Satantic Temple website the tenets include:

• One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.
• The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo your own.
• Beliefs should conform to our best scientific understanding of the world. We should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit our beliefs.

That's right, Spock. The Satanic Temple are the logical ones.

Apparently it takes Satanists to be rational about this conversation. While the Satanists recently entered the debate on abortion, their argument bears consideration in the light of the birth control argument, too.  Those who oppose birth control coverage do so for reasons that are not scientific. Birth control is not an abortifacient despite claims to the contrary. The Satanic Temple holds with bodily autonomy making questioning the use of the birth control a violation of the self-determination of one's body by not getting pregnant. Even those emergency birth control options prevent pregnancy which begins when the fertilized egg implants, not at fertilization. While some try to say otherwise, the medical community agrees that it's only at implantation that pregnancy occurs. Prior to that, the fertilized egg can still pass out the of the body. It is believed that between 1/3 to 1/2 of all fertilized eggs do not implant according to a report from the Guttmacher Institute website. This means that even the body rejects fertilization as pregnancy. Even though the body can dismiss that many fertilized eggs, no one is claiming that the woman's own uterus is an abortifacient, so what the actual fuck is this whole debate about? It's control over women. Period.

Aunt Frances smells it, too.

The idea of religious freedom though could extend into other issues like fertility treatments for all people, not just same-sex couples. It could also deny coverage to gender reassignment for transgender individuals. It could even restrict blood transfusions or other medical procedures due to an employer being  a Christian Scientist or Jehovah's Witness. Interestingly though, those religions are not raising their voices. Funny that. Perhaps they know that their religious views should not impede another person's right to medical care. Maybe they realize that it's none of their business what another person does or needs to be healthy and well.  

Earth-shattering concept, right Doctor?

Additionally, this seems like a lot of trouble for the business and insurance companies to come up with plans that are tailored just to the views of the business owner, who likely doesn't fully comprehend the medical conditions he or she is attempting to eliminate from policies. Are they also seeking to eliminate vasectomy and tubal ligation? Again, it's really just a way for Christian faiths to exert control over the woman and reduce her to a baby producer.They want to exert control over the reproductive rights of gay and lesbian couples, too. It's bigotry hidden by religion. 

I know, Jareth. It's a bullshit argument. I know.

Religious freedom can also be applied outside of reproductive rights. It can also be applied in arguments concerning pagans and First People's rights. Of course, when the Standing Rock Sioux tribes protested the Dakota Access Pipeline, they were heavily criticized and maligned. If Pagans stood up and protested the sales of public lands or the dumping of waste into wells, rivers, or streams because of their religious belief that these ares are sacred and divine and by many considered their church, they'd be laughed at and tossed aside. Without federal regulations to work with these religious views, the Standing Rock Sioux would surely have lost their battle. Without federal regulations against stripping resources from national parks or preventing pollution, Pagans will lose their sacred groves and natural places of worship. But no one talks about these concerns in the religious freedom debate.

As long as people misunderstand this, they will never take us seriously in the argument.

Women don't matter. LGBTQ don't matter. First People's don't matter. Pagans don't matter. Only the righteous Christians matter in this issue. Even then, probably only the white ones. 

No moose. Not you. I know.

    

Claiming My Witch

I've spent the better part of this week mulling over the idea of how I define being a witch. I've written on the topic in the past as my personal, spiritual connection evolved, but this time was different. I had a specific focus. I began this journey at Mabon as the wheel turned to the dark time of year when the Dark Goddess rules instead of the maiden. As I began lighting an incense and a candle every morning while I meditated. I began to define and identify my current witchy views.

Looks like you've had some insights too. Goat

Being Aware: As I walked through this week, I paid particular attention to the surroundings. I tried to soak up all the actions and words and sensations I moved through. I reflected on my dreams. I mulled over the statements I read and heard. I moved through it all with an awareness I've not given attention to for some time. To be aware you need to be aware of things within and outside of yourself; that includes all the circles from you outward to the stars. A witch sees beyond the end of their nose into the universe.

Somewhere among the stars.

Listening: I think this one links up with being aware. However, it delves deeper. It asks not only that you acknowledge, but that you really try to listen even when it's uncomfortable to do so. Take the kerfuffle with the anthem and the football players. I think that the fact that people are uncomfortable is a good thing. I think that more and more players and coaches are speaking up shows that they are listening to each other and finding strength in their numbers. Rather than making it all about themselves, some fans are listening to words that they've never considered because they have not felt the injustices. Freedom of speech has no out of bounds like football does. It does not end where the sidelines begin. Listening to those most affected by the injustice is the way to go and if it takes reaching millions of Americans on their sacred Sunday past time, then hooray! You've got their attention now. Witches speak their truths.

You might meet some interesting people along the way.

Confidence: My belly dance teacher is making us focus on poise this session. I'm totally fine with this as it has positively affected my posture. I am holding myself straighter, which is helping me strengthen that neck and core. I feel I command more attention when I move with authority through the hallways. There is something about holding your head high with your shoulders back that makes you feel empowered. I don't subscribe to my teacher's take on how being feminine means denying the overalls, sweats, or flannel; if that's what makes you happy, go to and live your truth. However, I do notice a boost to my own confidence regardless of what I wear. I will carry myself with the grace and confidence of who I am. Other witches will need to find their poise.

Graceful confidence.

Nature: This one is two-fold. On the one hand, I feel compelled to spend time in nature. Whether it is sitting on the porch as my cats play in the yard, strolling through the neighborhood, or going camping. Taking time out to sit in nature is peaceful and at the core of being a witch.
 Along with that, respecting nature is also important. reducing dependence on fossil fuels, reducing use of plastics, and reducing water usage and waste seem ideal methods to respect nature. Respecting nature also happens when you don't do stupid things like throw fireworks that catch one of the most treasured areas in the Pacific Northwest on fire. Living with nature, not living above it. It goes to that idea of concentric circles again rather than some kind of leveled hierarchy with people on top. Witches witness nature; they do not seek to dominate it.

To pass through without leaving so much as your footprints.

Personal growth: I think that spending time to reflect on your actions is essential. I think committing yourself to doing better the next day shows maturity and dedication to being the best version of yourself you can be. Spending time with your own thoughts and inquiring of your depths. Much as the Transcendentalists sought their personal growth and truths, so must a witch.

Find yourself reflected in everything around you.

Mindful Practice: This level requires that you are aware and that you do listen. This goes one step further to infuse those ideas into your every day. Moving with purpose, listening to all the sounds around you, eating to enjoy and appreciate the food not just scarf it down, breathing deeply to hear your own heart--enjoy the time you are given in this life. Make time to live rather than exist. Make ritual of any kind part of your daily life so long as it keeps you present. You slow time down; you accomplish what needs done, and accept that it doesn't all wrap up neatly; you feel a deep gratitude for all things--you just find a peaceful, easy feeling that is part of being a witch.

A little classic Eagles isn't out of the question.

Shun None: A news report came  out somewhere during the past year as we dealt with President Orange that witches nationwide were performing a binding spell on him. I do not like his politics. I do not like how he treats women or those with less power than him. I do not like much about this man at all. However, I am not much for binding or hexing spells. I think binding his proclivities for damaging everything he touches is tempting, but that seems a lot like saving him from himself. Besides, I don't think those spells do much more than prayer would, so why bother? However, it is easy for witches to feel superior  or smug just as any human can. Staying humble and mindful of ourselves provides a witch with respect for herself and the fortitude to allow others to do as they will as long as they harm none.

You do you, and I'll be me. K?

Connection to the Elements: With the elements, it's important to respect both the refreshing and the destructive aspects. With air, I love a cool breeze, but I also respect the power of the tornado. I enjoy a quick shower or dip in the lake when camping, but I also recognize the force of water in a hurricane. I spend time tilling the earth in my garden, but I also acknowledge how a quake tears down the cities. Campfires, candles, and fire pits captivate me while forest fires shock me into silence. Being a witch insists that you find ways to respect all sides of the elements, not just the calm and peaceful aspects.

All in one.

Creator and Destroyer: Witches fulfill both roles just like elements. We can create a song, a dance, or a company. We can dream of possibilities and potential. Conversely, we can throw out the ideas that don't serve us anymore. We can clear out the clutter of items that take up space we could use for other purposes. We work toward letting go of harmful emotions and thoughts. Living in accordance with all the other realizations I have had this week led to accepting myself as both creator and destroyer of my life as a witch and as a human.

My circles don't look like this except in my imagination.

Looking back over this week, I've had a couple of interesting dreams about happiness, transformation, positive news, and cautious moves forward. I was particularly fond of the tavern that served only potatoes--every kind of potato, but only potatoes. I don't believe that the Dark Goddess was visiting me mind you, but when the subconscious dumps some weirdness, trying to find out what the brain was synthesizing that day can be enlightening. In the end, I just reaffirmed what I already believed: Create life where you live according to your values to the best of your ability while honoring the earth and its inhabitants.

 

Moose, call on the strength of the witch in you.

Which Witch is Which?

Good news! No migraine when I woke up. This of course meant I didn't have a good excuse not to get my butt in gear and get shit done. Of course, since I was a blob yesterday, it meant I had twice the shit to handle. 

Yeah, I'd like to just laze away outside, too, Goat.

I cleaned in the house. Wiped down bathroom surfaces, loaded the dishwasher and unloaded it later for yet another load, swept the floor, and set out my clothes for the week. I also had the wherewithal to work out today. Ah! The muscles were a wee bit confused, but they accepted the necessity. I still played a lot of Diablo 3, which I may do more of before the day ends. I think my barbarian can handle skipping to torment 2. She's pretty fantabulous. I just need more of the set gear dangit! 

The screenshot doesn't do Sweetums justice.

I also found time to check on the garden. We had a weird and dramatic drop in the weather around here. We went from 90 to 45 for our high. We had three days of rain. I rather neglected the garden because of it. I went out there today though and harvested a ton of chard, which is now in little blanched balls awaiting freezing. So. Much. Chard. I also pulled our last kohlrabi, three cabbages, and about 10 jack-be-little pumpkins. We are going to have more of those, too. I took two romas and one green pepper. I wish our tomatoes would turn red; we've not had the bumper crop I was hoping for. We also have about five butternuts and 12 carving pumpkins. I noticed the first of the acorn squash today, too. It'll be a good harvest despite the lack of tomatoes. 

Hang on there, Javert. No need to get crazy-eyes about them.

I brought the little pumpkins in and cleared off  the altar I have in the front room. The pumpkins always make a perfect addition to the altar. Cleared off all the bills and other items that had gathered there. Not very respectful of me to allow such a build up, right? Well, I cleaned it today. Sue me for not doing it sooner. Mabon is coming and harvesting the garden always puts me in the mood for the autumn solstice. I've been considering my ritual for this fall and what it means for me as a witch. 

Still one of my all time favorite witches.

I came across one of those online quiz thingies and it came as a surprise to no one that I rated as a solitary witch. I prefer 'loning it in ritual just as I do in most things in life. Additionally, I follow The Peaceful Pagan on Facebook and I love her. I haven't seen anything from her in a a while, so I was glad to see her posting. She brought up the idea of how we define witch. She wrote, " I wax and wane, I am light and dark, I create and destroy. It is all in me. I understand this power and use it for good. I don't spend time on things, topics, people that don't interest me, I am unapologetic with who I am." I love that idea of not apologizing for who you are or the path you choose. I love this idea and I get annoyed with anyone who feels need to press me for justification or explanation. I hate it even more when I give them what they want. Create and destroy: so true. Sometimes I have a burst of energy to create, but then other times, I have to destroy whatever ideas or notions or novelties I had built up. Change is necessary. Changing our views and practices is also important. I think it is vital to change your views in light of new and enlightening information. For that, I will not apologize. 

I'm not entirely sure what this is, but I think it gets where I'm coming from.

She continued, "There is a witch in all of us. Claim her." Well okay then. Claim her. It's freeing to use the term witch without tying it to Wicca. I've fairly well defined my own version of witchiness without the need of validation or dogma from a coven. I suppose that is what I should think about as we get closer to Mabon: ow will I live as a witch in the coming months? It is the season of the dark goddess, so I get to ponder that as well. Now that I have the altar cleared and ready, maybe my morning meditation would be well spent considering the idea of claiming my witch--or reclaiming rather. I have had several dreams that indicate that insightfulness and cleverness are under the surface thanks to symbols like the fox that one night. Then there was the bear. A little bit of resurrection, renewal, and introspection with that one. Of course, I also had the shark, a symbol of fierceness and struggle with my own individuality. My subconscious has been busy.

It gets a little crowded in my subconscious sometimes.

A witch knows herself. I know myself, but I've felt a change in the wind lately. As the leaves turn and the nights get longer, I feel like delving more deeply and uncovering what's been lurking in the shadows. Time to draw them out and spend some time with them. Time to sit with myself, my own thoughts and pains, my own self that I show and that I don't. Time to put the rest behind and use those lessons learned to move forward with more confidence and peacefulness. Do better. I'm ready to claim my witch.

You know it, Moose. Get your witch on!