Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Dear Facebook,
There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to be blunt.
I'm breaking up with you. I'd say that cliche that it's not you, it's me; however let's be honest. It's totally you.
What can I say? It started like a fun and light-hearted relationship. You brought me close to friends from different states and even countries. You got me hooked on Farkle. You made me laugh at memes and jokes. You gave me thought-provoking articles and some fun discussions. There were posts about cats, goats, moose and more. I enjoyed the challenge of posting a different birthday photo and message for everyone for a whole year. I thought the challenge of Moose Monday, Totally Odd Tuesday, Whale Wednesday, Friday Eve Funny Bone, Friday Animal of the Week, and of course, Caturday might make the place friendlier and lighter for all my friends. It was therapeutic for a while.
But then it all changed. You betrayed me. You betrayed us all.
I don't want to make this any more awkward than it already is, but you've likely already heard. I've been seeing Reddit for a while now. I can get my fill of puns, art, migraine discussions, science news, and the cutest damn collection of daily r/cats and r/aww I can handle.
I've deactivated my page until I move out all my stuff. I've tried to make this as easy as possible. Please don't message me. I never put the app on my phone. Don't try and get my friends to bring me back. That's just rude and really just shows how desperate and manipulative you can be. Let's just go our separate ways.
And no, I don't want to be friends.
Sincerely,
Me

I Got Alotta Problems with You People

I was going to post about Yule. You know: how I celebrated; how I plan to incorporate that sabbat into the next few weeks; how it coincided with a glorious full moon etc. But then I was reminded that today is Festivus: The Holiday for the Rest of Us. Let the Airing of Grievances begin.

IHA.com

Goats climbing narrow stone passages: It's a Festivus miracle!

1. How dare you, Commander in Self-Promotion for rescinding your statement about compromising on the stupid border wall and government shutdown. Asshole! You are playing with people's livelihoods. Your ego and idiotic campaign pledge to carry out construction of something so grossly expensive and ineffective affects countless people at the holiday season. They depend on those programs and paychecks for the work they have done and continue to do. Fuck you! You arrogant fuckhead.

gifheaven.tumblr.com

If only it was a middle finger.

2. Amazon you greedy motherfucking business! You make it so easy to shop and find items that you've made actual going to stores obsolete! We've grown more and more dependent on you and you have revealed and reinforced your title as one of the biggest corporate fuck-the-common-people-opolies ever! You capitalist pig of a company! You abuse your employees, reap untold monies for your muckety mucks, and exploit the public's desire for simplicity in shopping while still in our underwear. Fuck you for preying on our social anxiety!

tumblr.com

Me when I have to go in public.

3. Facebook, you are an unscrupulous plague on the worldwide web. A blemish on the face of your book of likes. A Venus flytrap of tempting, time-wasting timelines. You traded your integrity, mission, and users to the detriment of our democracy and mental health and trust. May users run far away from you in the coming year. You are not worthy you fuckstick of global proportions!

cravecanada

Again, if only they were middle fingers.

4. Anti-vaxxers, you purveyors of falsehoods and once controlled devastating diseases! You have resurrected diseases like measles to once again run amuck through societies. You know, these diseases can mutate. We had them under control and people with compromised immune systems were protected my the herd, but no! You have to let your fear of being non-neuro normative open the door to smallpox, measles, mumps, rubella, polio and who knows what else that will creep from the slime of your misinformed and self-important ignorance. Fucking get fucking vaccinated!

seinfeldgifs.tumblr.com

Are you happy now? This dumpster fire is on you.

5. Algorithms of Diablo III! I have been loyal and played hours and hours of rifts and campaigns and you withhold rewards from me. You know that builds work better when complete and yet you fucking refuse to drop a few items I need to complete my builds. I have submitted myself to humiliating defeat despite conquering every quest and bounty you've thrown weekend after weekend after weekend. Fucking throw me a bone, or a Girdle of Giants. Maybe a Blade of Tribes. Something! Sweetums the Barbarian has untapped potential dammit!

reddit.com

Don't suppose you have an Orb of Infinite Depth for Lucious in there, do ya?

And there you have it. My Airing of Grievances for 2018. I don't know what Feats of Strength we shall partake of around here. Perhaps we'll bench press a cat or power-lift a basket of laundry. Whatever we do, I wish you a Happy Festivus.

Wikimedia Commons

A moose in water! It's a Festivus miracle!

Effed Up World Choices

I've been considering the idea of choice a lot in the last few weeks. I've seen a few headlines that make me really wonder about the choices of our "world leaders". It's one thing when I fuck up my own choices, but when the people who are supposed to be leaders fuck up, the consequences are scarier and affect a lot more people.

publicdomainpictures.net

I know it's hard to believe, Goat. They just keep fucking things up.

For example, a few weeks back I read an article about Pope Francis. Now, you all know how I feel about the Catholic Church, but I had thought Francis was starting to move the church in a better direction more suited to the modern era. However, he really fucked that up. Francis said he was "worried" about homosexuality in the priesthood. Homosexuality is "fashionable"  and there is "no room for this" in the lives of priests and nuns. Those training for the clergy are to be "humanly and  emotionally mature". Apparently homosexuality means you are neither. After all, the official position which he reiterated is that homosexual acts ares sins even though homosexuality is not. WTF? There's a distinct whiff of equating homosexuality with pedophilia in the comments like "they (candidates for holy orders) be impeccably responsible, trying never to scandalize either their communities or the faithful holy people of God." That word: scandalize. Because you know, the priests who committed pedophilia were all gay, obviously.  He also makes reference to supporting "gay culture" as ruling out holy orders for a person. Way to fuck up your "who am I to judge" comment. You totally judge when you say this shit, Francis. Ever think perhaps that ridiculous rule about celibacy is the real problem? No? OK then. You suck.

feed186.photobucket.com

And tumbleweeds never lie. 

Another fuck up on the world stage is the recent climate summit. You know-the one where the US stood with Russia, Saudi Arabia, and Kuwait against strengthening commitments and efforts to curtail global warming? Because Russia and Kuwait and Saudi Arabia are exactly who the US should stand with. (Pssst! "Denier in Chief", your collusion is showing). I'd say they're all like ostriches, but let's be honest: their heads aren't in the sand. They're up their asses. It's not like humans have vastly altered the world's climate by bringing back climates from millions of years ago in a short span of two centuries. Nah. Didn't happen. The US being one of the largest contributors to the current carbon emission crisis is irrelevant. Let them smell our exhaust fumes and belching fossil fuel refining. So what if their island homes get wiped out in waves of warmer oceans? We still have our gas, oil, and big money! All you world leader climate deniers suck ass.

absolutewrite.com

That's right my 6-legged friend. 

Your time to rule may be on the horizon.

Yet another fuck up comes out of Texas. Surprised? Nope. Sorry, Texas. When it comes to policy, your leaders tend to fuck up on the whole making life better for the people thing. Anyway, a federal judge just ruled the Affordable Care Act unconstitutional, which sends it back to the Supreme Court...again. Because we have to keep arguing about how seeing to it that everyone has what they need to be healthy as some sort of blight on our freedoms. Ever stop to consider that not worrying about healthcare ensures people can pursue life, liberty, and happiness? Oh wait. The fact that GoFundMe is the solution to outrageous medical bills is a good thing. Reducing the sick to online beggars is what makes America great. Might as well rename the fundraising site Panhandling for Prescriptions, or Entreating for Treatment, or Soliciting for Surgery. If the legislature has been able to come up with a replacement for the ACA, they would have done it by now. But they couldn't. Because it's hard. Because they don't want to make sure that the people they represent have what they need. It's more important to hide behind their version of the constitution and ensure that insurance companies and prescription drug companies get to keep reaping the financial benefits while the people die. They simply can't admit that the ACA, flawed as it is, is the right path forward. Standing against Medicare for All or universal healthcare as a right means you suck big, fat, hairy donkey dongs.

Saturday Night LIve

Say it again for the people in the back!

I don't know how to make people understand that giving everyone the dignity of life with acceptance of who they are, affirmation of climate change responsibility, and assurance that a cancer diagnosis won't bankrupt them are essential to humanity. It is simply unconscionable to think contrary to any of these precepts.  Choosing to ally against equal rights, climate change, and universal healthcare is simply choosing to fuck up everyone and everything that wants to live in happiness and freedom.

USFWS Headquarters

Just remember: Moose is watching you. Moose knows when you fuck up.

Unfortunate Life Choices

I've made better life choices since last writing. However, I have come to know about some unfortunate life choices others have had to make in addition to my own. These unfortunate life choices pain me to think of; some just make me down right angry.

publicdomainpictures.net

You nailed it right there, Goat.

For example, there was an astonishing photo online that my husband showed me. My description won't do it justice, but it was a city on the Gaza strip with a dense dark cloud looming over the city and bright, vicious orange flames at its center. It was chilling and dramatic and my jaw hung open as I contemplated the unfortunate life choices at play in this area. I read a snippit today about a father in that region who couldn't afford a prosthetic for his kid and therefore fashioned one out of a plastic bottle. What the actual fuck? At some point, the powers that be have got to recognize that there are people in the center of this continued battle over imaginary lines drawn on the landscape. The people who live there are not the ones at fault, but they are the ones who suffer. If you think they shouldn't choose to live there, I don't think it's that simple. I'm sure if they could leave that easily, they would move from the front lines. But eons of war and unfortunate choices by others have made their choice for them. Or limited them rather.

Swear Trek

You said it, McCoy.

Another unfortunate life choice I learned this week comes from one of my students. Before the holiday break, he got word that a friend of his had died in a car accident back in England where my student was born. He was trying so hard not to cry when he told me. I was immediately moved to tears myself, which made it just that much harder for him to keep it together. Anyway, break passed and I checked in with him last week to see how he was doing. That's when he told me that it had been a practical joke. I felt like I'd been sandbagged. I doubled over and then looked up at him (he's like 6'4") and said, "Are you serious!?!" I really wanted to let fly the expletives of anger, but I bit those back. He said yes. I can't even imagine what this young man went through for those hours that he thought his friend was dead. I wanted to go over the pond and throttle those knuckleheads who thought this act of sheer cruelty was funny. Talk about unfortunate choices. I wouldn't be surprised if my student didn't talk to them for many moons to come.

Swaer Trek

Me inside when I learned of this "joke".

Closer to home, my husband and I had to complete the stupid wellness survey and bio-metric screening process for our insurance. Personally, if the insurance has paid out for an annual wellness exam, that's where their need to know ends. However, they make us jump through more hoops. Then they kindly offer free advice for everything from finance management to tobacco counseling. I quit smoking 11 years ago and they thought I might be interested in information on staying quit. Whatever people! The exchange for this is a reduced rate on our insurance plan. Many people have this hoop to jump through. The company says it's for our own benefit because of the support they offer, the knowledge we gain, and the individual wellness plan for our future. Except that wellness programs don't work. They are of absolutely no benefit to anyone, expect the company that says they will only use the information obtained for our benefit. They will keep it confidential and not use it to increase rates on those who are high risk. I call bullshit on that one, too. This is really just a form of extortion. They are punishing us with several hundred dollars worth of additional fees if we don't comply with their demand. Extortion. I had refused to play the game for a long time, but last year the additional fee became prohibitive. Now we have more work to do for nothing. Our doctor has additional work for nothing. The insurance company is really the only winner because they have us over a barrel when reducing their ridiculous administrative salaries and bonuses would reduce the subscriber fees way more. Maybe then seriously ill individuals wouldn't have to create GoFundMe pages to pay for medical costs.

Swaer Trek

Yeah, Janeway. Yet swallow it we shall because we have no choice.

Sometimes we make the unfortunate life choices. Sometimes someone else makes them for us. When that happens, we have no control over it; we just have to dig deep and ultimately submit. From the global to the personal, unfortunate life choices are ever-present, ever-exhausting, and ever-vexing. Fuck 'em all.

GrabdTetomNPS

So many choices. What is a moose to do?

Poor Life Choices

My mom's side of the family is Polish. We have this drink that I make for us during the holidays. It's called wazonka (wasonka depending on which spelling you feel like using that day). It consists of sugar, cinnamon, cloves, water, and everclear. Yes. Everclear. That stuff that comes with a "May Cause Death" warning on the label. Relax. The alcohol gets boiled so some of it burns off. Some. The water helps dilute it. Somewhat. You may see where this is going. Wazonka was only one poor life choice of this holiday.

Colchester Zoo, Wikimedia Commons

Yes, Goat. This is all my doing.

 I accept full responsibility.

My husband and I usually have one or two shots Thanksgiving morning as we are making final preparations for the big meal. Not usually a problem since we also have food in our bellies. Then, we toast with it at our meal with a big ol' Polish "Nazdrovia!" or "To your health!" Sometimes we have a second toaster with dessert. Which we did. Then, hubs and I got home and proceeded to have a few more over the course of the evening. Oh! And there were vodka seltzers involved, too.

fallontonightgifs.tumblr

Yes, Jimmy. If only your cold stare of judgement had been upon me that night.

Despite the big meal and the increased water consumption, I did not prevail over the inevitable hangover. My husband did. That rat bastard. Fun fact: Too much alcohol doesn't just make you feel like shit when you have a couple chronic illnesses. I had the nausea, headache, and lethargy. However, my gums were swollen and bled when I brushed my teeth, my tongue was raw, and there were sore spots in my mouth. Thanks, Sjogren's! Then, all my fibro spots hurt so much that toweling myself after a shower hurt. Every joint ached and was swollen. Tough to say which one contributed that reaction to the entourage. Likely all of them. Incidentally I don't count the headache as part of my migraine since it's really just a typical reaction to over imbibing.

royalsocialmedia.com

Not really, Karen. More painful really.

The holidays are hard to navigate even without too much alcoholic involvement. There's a lot of sugar, too. I always make the pies. My family loves my pumpkin pie. They also love this sweet potato dish that really should be called a dessert given the amount of sugar and brown sugar it entails. While I had only a small spoonful of it and only a small piece of pecan pie (hubs made that one this year), it along with the alcohol and sugar from the potent potables contributed to my horrible Black Friday.

reddit.com/r/eactiongifs

Et tu, R2D2?

On top of these things are of course the unavoidable grains. The stuffing, the pie crusts, and the pumpkin and date bread my mother made. *sigh* I did have a large helping of Brussels sprouts to crowd my plate more than the spoonful of stuffing I had. I had half a piece of the date bread. I ate the pecan filling out of the crust. I also had an anti-histamine on the side. Yet, my gut said, "Nice try. You lose anyway." Have some IBS all night long so you can't sleep.

@ashvsevildead

You always know what to say, Lee.

The alcohol. the sugar, and the grains combined with my weakness  resulted in my still feeling less than my best three days later. The headache is gone. The gums and mouth sores are resolving. The fibro points are not as sensitive. The joints aren't screaming with every step. I'd like to say I've learned my lesson and next year I will have tea instead. I will eat just the turkey and the Brussels (which are actually an IBS trigger) and maybe mashed potatoes (they can be rough at times). I can't expect my family to change their ways. I don't think they really buy into my reactions anyway, and I tend to cheat at family gatherings, much to my detriment. Thanksgiving is not a meal to be tampered with in any way. Period.

reddit.com/r/reactiongofs

Don't worry, Doggo. Not gonna tamper with it. I swear.

I'd like to say I won't make poor choices again next year. But that's a year away and who knows where I'll be at by then. Maybe I'll be in the "Fuck it all!" state of mind I was this year. I really don't know. I suppose I can look into some other food options before then. WTH, right? I've got a year to figure it out.

Public Domain Images

No, Moose. I haven't forgotten Christmas. Thanks for asking.

Shit!

The Have's and Have Not's

Yesterday, my nephew was on his digital device scrolling through reddit. He found something to share with his mom. Someone's post about how if the minimum wage in one of the southern states (I think Mississippi) would go up to $12/hour, then her above average wage of $12 an hour would not be special anymore. She posed the question that if minimum wage was going up $5, then her $12 and hour should also go up $5. Of course, that's not the way it works. I remarked about how the minimum wage going up won't affect her at all. If her job pays enough now, it still will after the minimum wage goes up. My nephew saw fit to explain to me the poster's point of view, which I already understood. I just rejected it as social media whining about perceived injustices. The fact that he clarified this point for me told me he wasn't up for a discussion about income inequality in America.

openphoto.net

Yes, Goat. There's such a thing as income inequality.

I've been gnawing on this idea for a while now, mostly because of our recent financial woes. I think to myself that it is mind-boggling that someone who makes what  I make can't save for the future without restricting our groceries (but I like eating more than soup or ground beef every night) or only driving the 25 year old truck that used to be mine, but now is my husband's. My Zippy Subaru shouldn't be in our driveway. We shouldn't try and improve our home. We shouldn't do anything fun like go out of state for a trip. Even camping should be considered a luxury. I think about how we really don't spend on extravagances, yet here we are eeking by at the end of another month. We have a home and we have reliable vehicles (at least Zippy that is) and we have food. Compared to others, we have it pretty damn good actually. And I think that's part of the problem.

@suitsusanetwork

Ugh. But it so totally is.

I saw a posting from one of my friends about how if you're not poor, it's called self-care; but if you are poor, it's called laziness. I think that's very true. Last week when I felt lousy after my Benlysta, I could call in sick the next day. When I had a migraine the day after that, I could again call out sick and take care of myself. I didn't have to worry about losing that day's wages. I didn't have to worry about my boss firing me because I had to miss a shift. I can go get therapeutic massages as part of my treatment plan. I can somehow get all of our meds paid for each month. I can close myself in with my husband for a good old pantsdrunk weekend night if we need to decompress. No one looks at us sideways for these.

@ifc

That's pantsdrunk in a nutshell.

Things would look a lot different if I was working the same job as my husband though. Even though his job pays slightly above minimum, it's also "casual part-time", which means no insurance and no guarantee of hours. For example, he was reassigned to another client without much warning. It took a few days for the management folk to get him paired with another client and working again. We both brace ourselves with the knowledge that once again, his paycheck will be too small to cover all his household cost responsibilities. Fortunately, my check will cover it. It won't make the holidays any easier, but we'll manage ok.

80sCommercialVault

A metaphor for my paycheck.

However, those three days lost wages would be devastating if I was at minimum or just above it like so many others are. Someone with our myriad of health problems would sink. They'd work themselves into an early grave I have no doubt. We're going to skate by again and get back on stable(ish) ground eventually. Others would live in the constant fear and insecurity all while enduring the condemnation of those who've either forgotten or who have never known what it means to be working poor. In America, we've got this fucked up idea of the self-made man or woman. It's little more than a myth in our current state of affairs. Study after study comes out and says that moving out of one social class into another is beyond unlikely especially for those in poverty. It's about as likely as winning the lottery I'd wager. While there are stories out there of celebrities like Jay-Z, they are the exception not the rule. Those exceptions feed the myth and allow the have's to look at the have not's with blame and disdain.

www.reactiongifs.com

Always. Always with the judging.

I'd like nothing more than to live in the era my grandparents did where my grandfather being a butcher was enough to pay for his family of four to live in a house in a nice neighborhood. But that got shattered even by the next generation. My mother in law for example had four children, but to have only one job in the late '70s and '80s wasn't a sustainable household income the way it was in the '50s and '60s. I don't think she ever had less than three income sources that I recall, and I know that she had more when her kids were at home. Being poor doesn't equal being lazy. We'd all do well to remember that. Someone else finally getting raised up $5 an hour (although not enough really to keep pace with inflation) does not mean that everyone's wages should also go up. It means we should all take a step back and ask how did this all happen? What are we going to do about it?

superbowlgif

Most of us don't, Shark.

Well, I know we'll make adjustments. We'll do better about shutting off lights and managing our water use more wisely even though we are already highly cognizant of this. We'll look at making more meals that last over multiple nights even though I already take this into account when I make the monthly menu. We'll reduce little things like cutting our Hulu account and our New York Times subscription for now despite the fact that those only account for about $15 bucks. Those are such tiny and inconsequential changes though. It's a pittance in the bigger picture. So, we'll keep paying attention to policies that not only impact us, but impact those less fortunate than us. We will vote with that in mind.

@pusheen

And don't vote for any of that free market bullshit.

Free market only helps those who didn't have to worry about money in the first place.

It's the policy for the have's. Screw the have not's.

In my studies for my teaching degree, it was made clear to me that equality doesn't mean everyone getting the same thing. It's everyone getting what they need to be successful. Therefore the person who posted about not getting a $5 raise isn't being jilted in anyway. Other people are getting what they need; something she already has by her own admission. Giving others who earn minimum wage a raise, does not mean others will lose out or be worse off. In fact, it's just the opposite. Raising up others only makes things better for all.

pixabay.com

Keep your head up, Moose. 

We're working to keep the water level where everyone can survive.

Insurance: Or Screw You Subscriber Knave

I've decided that I loathe insurance companies. I think they serve a purpose and I am lucky to have insurance through my workplace so that all our autoimmune and other crap aren't as outrageous as they could be. I still loathe insurance companies.

Max Pixel

That's right, Goat. That's right.

You see, this year, our insurance company was apparently audited. I didn't realize this was a thing. But they got audited, so we all had to prove that our dependents are really our spouses and children. It was insane. You'd think that a history of 17 years would be enough to satisfy their inquiry, but no. We had to prove our marriage with a marriage license, a signed letter, and a copy of our mortgage bill since it has both our names on it with the same address. My sister's family had to do this for their three children, too. Birth certificates and whatnot. Absurd.

reddit/r/reaction

Even Nick Cage gets it.

Then after getting that squared, I called in my triptan script and it wasn't there when my husband picked up the meds. He even asked and they said there wasn't anything for me. So he tried again Friday just to be sure. Apparently the insurance company not only thought it wasn't time yet (it totally was), they decided that I can only have 6 triptans a month now instead of 9! WTF? Seriously? It was already hard enough some months to ration them out so as not to go beyond 9, but 6? That's even worse. I really wonder where they get off second guessing doctors. They did this with my husband's sleep study, too. The doctor said he needed one test and the insurance said that it was not needed, so he had to go through a second sleep study because they wouldn't go along  with what the doctor already knew the first time. Prove you need it and let us inconvenience you at the same time. They would've saved themselves time and money by just doing what the doctor said, but nope. They knew better. They also won't pay for his machine. They'll pay 75%, but not all for something that could prevent a host of other health troubles, but nope. They want to cling to that money and wait until something really goes wrong. It is ludicrous.

gifdistrict.tumblr.com

Victim of something. 

It's like insurance companies take you hostage 

even though they're supposed to be working for you. Makes no sense.

They wouldn't cover my sleep study either. I was getting checked to see if the oxygen level was dropping too far in the night to cause an increase in my headaches. Treating with oxygen would have been easy and cheaper than the Botox, but nope. Insurance didn't want to find out since I didn't have a history of breathing trouble. Idiots!

gifmaster3000.tumblr

And don't give it back no matter what my doctor says!

Now this. It seems like they keep tightening their purse-strings. The purse that I help line with my money every month. Now I have to contact my neurologist and see if she can intercede and get them to understand the stupidity of restricting an already tight restriction unnecessarily. I have insurance. I am thankful for that. However, they are assholes.

Joint Base Elmendord-Richardson

Yes, Master Insurance. I will obey your ruling, oh wise and generous insurance company.

Mind Vomit

Blah. That's how I feel right now.
Blah.
Not even blah blah blah
Just blah. Plain ol', run of the mill blah.
I'm starting therapy this week. I'm hoping this therapist and I hit it off. I've never done this before, so I want it to be a positive thing. Trying to take care of myself both physically and mentally right now. I've thought about therapy off and on over the years. I know this person will ask what I want out of this relationship.
I want freedom to say what I want without judgment. I want some perspective from someone who isn't family or part of my circle of friend or someone who thinks they know me, but they really don't. I need to talk about people in my life with someone who won't look down on me because they know the other person and will betray my confidence or think less of me for my feelings. I want my feelings to be heard and not written off. I need something more than cats and blogs at this point.
Of course, I feel guilty because I'm spending more money.
I have no idea how this happens, but we never have enough money at the end of the month.My husband doesn't get paid a lot and he is only casual part-time, which works well for his rheumatoid arthritis. I am a teacher. You'd think we'd be financially secure. But we're not. On top of that, we were trying to save money for a trip to Japan. But WTH was I thinking? That's ridiculous. This summer when I realized that tickets were actually about half of what they were the first time I checked, I thought WTF not? Carpe diem, muthafucker!  While tickets are significantly less than I thought they'd be even in the summer time, it's stupid to even consider spending money on something like that.
We've got bills. We've got medical issues. We've got no savings. We've got car a payment. We've got a house and yard that need repairs. WTH are we even entertaining an overseas trip?
I've thought about getting a second job again. A side gig like I used to have, but my migraines have been so awful, that I don't think a second job is a good addition to my load. I've thought about taking on a homebound student (a kiddo who's too sick to come to school full-time). But again, I fear making a commitment with my health and also, I would be doing it to make the Japan trip happen. A trip I'm not interested in. A trip my husband wants and has wanted for years. I fear I'd resent the fuck out of him if I took on a second job to make this happen. Especially if my migraines or other health problems blossom into the crap that they do.
Oh! And I've been dealing with a migraine all weekend.
This is not my happy place. I can't even muster up the wherewithal to find pictures or GIFS for snarky comments. I think I'll just get some more water and lie down.
This blog is a bit random and it feels a bit incoherent. It is mind vomit. This likely is how my therapy session will go. Just a big bowl of mind vomit. 

Samhain and Such

Sometimes the world turns and you are disoriented. You listen. You see. You read. It all seems surreal. It feels like madness at times such as these. Terror packages. Gun fire on the faithful. Turning away the tired,  the poor, and the huddled masses. It's the dark time of year. Days grow shorter, remembrances honor ancestors,  and home brings comfort.

PxHere

That's right little goats. Staying close to home seems like a good idea.

I found joy in celebrating 20 years of marriage with my husband. I found happiness  in harvesting a great number of Brussels sprouts from our garden. I found peace in basking in the recent full moon. I found hope in replanting cuttings of a jade I rescued from a fungus. I found communion in a Polish feast prepared by my mother. I found pride in casting my ballot according to my conscience.  I found excitement in the possibility of recipes for the 16 pounds of Hubbard squash we pureed today.

The third and final harvest arrives this week. It's a time to remember and honor those who have died. It's a time to reap all that we have sown over the past months. It's a time to contemplate where and how we go into the future.

@vmos

One informs the other, right?

With all the turmoil, I wonder what others see in their futures. What paths will they tread? What will they sow? I don't know. For me though, this dark time of year feels like withdrawing. A closing of ranks to prepare my own defenses and ventures. Time to enjoy the bounty of our love, our garden, and our community.

wilfilwil.tumblr.com

May they who need it see that beacon, River Song.

Blessed be, World. May Samhain guide you through the darkness.

Max Pixel

I'd advise sticking together, Moose. Guide each other.

I Did It

I struggle with depression occasionally. All right, probably more than occasionally, but let's start with this occasionally admission and we'll go from there. Anyway, this last year with all the migraines and isolation, I felt myself withdrawing and being fearful of any kind of plan-making or commitment-scheduling. I even felt myself pulling away from dancing.

Wikimedia Commons

Yeah. You got that right, Goat.

I told myself a few years back that if I ever started withdrawing from dance, then there was a problem. Well, I started withdrawing from dance. It began just as "Oh man, I've got another fucking headache and can't make class". Then it went to "Damn! I'm so tired I should stay home from dance". To "I should not perform this session because I have a migraine/migraine hangover", "I'm too tired," or because "I don't want to embarrass myself or my teacher". She's never said anything about my performances embarrassing her mind you. That's just me and my self-conscious negative self-talk.

@pusheen

Thank the Gods I have three delightful felines who make me biscuits when this happens.

This session, I've made a more concerted effort to attend weekly classes. Even when I feel so exhausted or sore or achy or anxious or I just plain don't wanna, I have made myself go. I felt better for it. Even proud of myself. Then my teacher texted and wanted to know if I'd dance the What Women Want  Expo. I've performed there many times over the years. but not in the last two or three years for various reasons. Last year was of course the headaches and lack of balance. But this year when she texted, I accepted the invite despite my trepidation and outright fear.

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Me after I accepted the invite to perform.

Well, I practiced. I went to a rehearsal on Friday. I blacked out from a spin (something I've always done without incidence) thanks to a migraine that I was trying to overcome. I woke with the blasted migraine Friday and had been nursing it most of the day with all my therapies and meds to no avail. It was tamed a tad, but not vanquished. The blackout was scary. I thought I was going down. I didn't, but it scared me and made it clear that when I have an active migraine, spins are are off the table.

starscream-and-hutch

You captured it just right, Riker.

Saturday I awoke and that damn migraine was still there. So I took a triptan and laid back down for two hours. I had planned to practice again that morning, but that was not happening. As it was, I struggled to get myself going and into make-up by 11 am. But I did it. I made it to the expo...my husband drove though.

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Thanks, Dean. I was pretty proud of myself.

I smiled brightly, I checked and rechecked my safety pins to avoid a costume malfunction, and I performed. It felt good even though it was not my best ever. It was a personal triumph. I didn't do the spins, but the rest worked out ok. I even had one co-worker there who flattered me with many compliments. I needed the boost.

quotesgram.com

Ah! Did you get compliments too, Bubbles? 

Feels pretty good, right?

When I returned home, the migraine of course started to intensify, so I medicated and plopped down to indulge in my period soap opera drama Poldark. My husband made me some cheesy tortilla chips with jalapenos, and brought me a berry seltzer. There may have been a ginger snap cookie from our local bakery involved, too.

PrincessFairy

And kitty cuddles. You are correct Baymax.

I did it. I still think I need to call for a therapist session to address the depth of this particular depression session. My gynecologist gave me a referral list of therapists this week. I'm not interested in meds, just talking. But I did it. I showed up. I danced. I did it.

Wikimedia Commons

That's right, Moose. I'm gonna bask in it a bit longer.

The Tragedy of Belief

I've been doing a lot of thinking about belief, gender, and power lately. I'ts all been rather propelled into the foreground thanks to the recent Supreme Court confirmation. I think that this whole modern process of politicizing the Supreme Court started with Merrick Garland and it's just gotten worse as time has gone by. The Court should not be seen as partisan, and yet, here we are. As I've watched, grimaced, and railed, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on what it means to believe a survivor, to be of a certain gender, and to wield power.

maxpixel.net

You have the power of cuteness, Goat. For sure.

I believe Ford. Let's just get that straight. I believe that Murkowski took the easy way out to save her bacon by telling everyone she didn't support the nomination, while not actually proving up when the vote came down. She voted present, which was a convenient way to use the absence of Daines to her advantage. She played the coward there. I imagine that she was whipped into agreeing to say present so as not to publicly break yet again with the party. I believe that Flake, Manchin, and McConnell all need to be purged from their seats (among others).

simpsonworld.com

They've binged long enough.

I believe that Susan Collins deserves to be sent packing. I heard her opponent's site crashed due to the overwhelming traffic after Collins' speech to advance the nominee. I believe that her statement is false. She cannot believe Ford while also believing that the nominee is worthy. Ford said she was 100% sure it was Kavanaugh who assaulted her. Collins said that the investigation allowed for the possibility that Ford was assaulted, just not by Kavanaugh. If Collins truly believed Ford, then she believed the 100% positive statement and therefore couldn't advance Kavanaugh whom she'd have to see as a criminal. You can't believe Ford while believing Kavanaugh deserves a seat on the court. Unless of course, you still buy into the gender hierarchy.

Half The Picture

Yeah, that's kinda the problem right there.

I believe there is a rape culture. I believe that there is a message sent to young men now that they can exert their sexual dominance how ever they want because they will not be held to account. Too many opportunities have been given and power and belief keeps being handed over to the male offenders (specifically the white male offenders). Brock Turner anyone? Now this. Clarence Thomas got away with it because face it, his accuser was not only female, but a black female. According to the gender hierarchy, the odds were always in Thomas' favor.

Disney Pixer

It's been nearly 30 years! What. The. Actual. Fuck.

The era of two genders is fading, but not quickly enough. More genders than the binary are now identified although not always recognized by everyone. Anyone other than male and female is lower on the hierarchy and subject to even greater scorn and disbelief. Their very existence is disbelieved. It can be seen throughout history and cultures. Even my own Wiccan and Pagan beliefs identified the male and female deities. While these were just ways to name the energies that already existed and needed no label, the power hierarchy is there, too. Are they of equal balance or is the female seen as higher on the scale? Humans made them male and female as an extension of the power structure they already knew. Goddess and God perpetuates this power structure just as boys will be boys or boys hit and tease because they like you or can't you see what your accusations are doing to this poor, poor male?

CBS

See how fearful they are? Poor males feel their power being threatened.

And then upheld. 

Fuck!

I believe humans trade in power. They always have and they always will. The politicians are browbeating each other and the public with their power games. The #MeToo movement seeks to break down that power hierarchy while at the same time the status quo population desperately tries to prop it up. Often times successfully. Humans like power. They hate to feel powerless. They will tighten their grasp on the power they have even if it means trading their humanity. Continuing to believe in power structures I believe desecrates humanity. 

Burning Season 7

Isn't it interesting that when you search for desecrate, you get pictures of burning flags?

Someone should check the definition of desecrate.

I reread some passages in my Wiccan reference library today. Cunningham speaks of personal power, earth power and divine power. Personal power being the life force within us that keeps us alive. The earth power being that found in nature. This being the basis of magic works that draw on the earth energies of colors, herbs, resins, and all other natural materials in spellwork. The divine then being the combination of personal and earth power within the power that created everything. The hierarchy being with the divine at the top. Priest and priestess have the power over the rest of the coven. Long ago I eliminated the word  power from my spiritual practice and I chose solitary in order to avoid power hierarchy. It's not easy. When I trip up, I cringe.

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That is about right, Kramer.

I believe in the energy that existed before us that brought us all into being. We named that energy and thus began the power structure. We are energy, we draw energy from around us, and we are connected to that energy outside of ourselves. The law of energy conservation says that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. In Wicca, this means that we draw energy from within and combine it with energy from the earth (stones, spices, herbs, water). By doing so we transcend to a state of connectivity with everything around us. Power robs us of that connection.

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That kinda sums up my point, Anakin.

But how do you separate the energy of connection from the power of hierarchy? I don't believe we can. Tragically, humans like their power too damn much.

US Fish and Wildlife Service on Flickr

You should listen to her, Moose. Believe her, too.