It's cold and rainy here. Not overly cold, but chilly enough for a spring day at the end of May. I keep returning to my spot on the sofa. I go do something. Then I come back. I thought that perhaps the rainy weather was responsible for my case of the doldrums and ho-hums. I even thought that maybe I needed to up my dose of 5 HTP again. I thought maybe this sense of I-need-a-nap was my depression rearing up.
Then I remembered: It's Benlysta week. That's why folding laundry was exhausting. That's why taking a shower was oppressive rather than invigorating. That's why my head is heavy and my yawns are many. I really just want to go sleep for a while. It's my body telling me the lupus fatigue is going to kick my ass until Wednesday. Goody.
So that'll be just in time for the higher dose of lamictal. That means I'll feel really good on the energy front just in time for the nightmares that interrupt my sleep. My doctor upped the dose of my lamictal because of small fiber neuropathy pain. Every upped dose has given me nightmares. Not just nightmares mind you, but night terrors when you wake up in a sweat, your heart is pounding, and you can't go back to sleep. Or those sleep paralysis incidents where you're in twilight. You are aware you're not really asleep, but you're not altogether awake either. The best part is of course the foreboding and the dark presence in the room. Can't wait for that. And interrupting sleep patterns makes lupus and migraine symptoms more likely. Regular sleep is stupid important for just about everything in life.
But it's also Ajovy week. As of today, I've only had 7 attack days since last shot day. This is good. Of course, the weather and the lack of sleep could open the door to more headaches. So might the 5 HTP appetite suppression. I am pretty sure that the migraine on Friday was because I hadn't been eating as much as usual. I was eating more out of knowing I needed to rather than any real interest or appetite. Apparently I was not vigilant enough. Must do better.
I started 5 HTP few weeks ago because the St. John's Wort was causing the same trouble that every other anti-depressant has: no libido and no orgasm. Of course, no libido is part of depression, so...yeah. Switched and I am much more pleased with the 5 HTP. Except for the needing to force myself to remember to eat so I don't get migraines.
It's really odd to think about how interconnected every ailment and treatment is. You find something to remedy one malady and it makes another malady worse. Solve one, make another more unpleasant. It would be grand if you could engineer a treatment that solves all your conditions without causing any kind of trouble. But where's the fun in that?
For now, I will curl up on the sofa in my robe and blankies with the three kitties around me. I have my colored pencils and color-in post cards to do while Netflix runs. I think I can manage that. I might even manage a cup of tea.
Sunday, May 26, 2019
Sunday, May 19, 2019
No Big Deal
My seniors are wrapping up their final research project. It's supposed to be about a controversial topic that they care about deeply. The perspective up the up and coming young adults who will be graduating in just a few short days is astounding.
Some students chose topics that are not terribly pressing or impacting on a large scale. There's the video game causes violence one, or the regulation of vaping products and minors that seem fairly mundane and in some aspects already settled. I even had one that was about whether Netflix original films/shows should be eligible for Oscars and Emmy's. That one was a bit refreshing actually. Totally new topic there.
A few surprises came up like whether street racing should be legalized. Ummm, no. Thankfully, this student reached the same conclusion. Another student wrote about cockfighting. No, really. I had never considered the idea that there could be a valid reason for cockfighting, but apparently there is. A small contingent of farmers and ranchers who are losing their family businesses are turning to cockfighting as a way to make money. The things you learn.
What I found deeply concerning though are the apathetic ones. One young lady wrote about abortion and defunding Planned Parenthood. In light of recent state laws being passed by largely male, white, and Christian representatives, I thought there might be some real thoughtful ideas even if they didn't agree with my own. Nope. Her conclusion was that people are making an unnecessarily big deal out of defunding PP. She decided after looking at the evidence that not using taxpayer money for PP would really be no big deal.
Another one that came across my desk was about the access to prescription medications and the pharmaceutical companies who set outrageous rates for them. I figured since a member of her family is a diabetic, that she'd likely conclude that Big Pharma sucks ass and needed some thrashing from agencies to ensure that people get the medication at reasonable costs so they don't die. Nope. She too concluded that the debate and argument over prescription drug costs was overblown and no big deal.
Yet another paper drew the same conclusion. This time it was about whether or not Trump should release his tax returns. Given the wealth of information out there on this topic and the back and forth about the Mueller Report and New York's lawsuit I knew that this paper would surely have some meat to it. Seniors are entering the larger world and will be eligible to vote in the next election after all. I had longed for some critical thought about the shady dealings and flagrant thumbing of nose at precedence and transparency, or at least what the opposition sees as the argument against. Alas! It all boiled down to the notion that his taxes are private and no one needs to see them because it was no big deal.
I was astonished by the apathy to be honest. As I read these conclusions about topics that I care deeply about and write to my representatives about I was dismayed by the lack of awareness for future implications. We adults are just fools with nothing better to do than make mountains out of molehills. I'd pause to try and remember what I saw as important and relevant when I was 18 and poised to start college in the fall. I know that I cast my vote for Bill Clinton largely because he was the Democratic candidate and the Dems represented what I saw as important social topics like public education and equal rights. I tried to recall the issues that took up headlines in the early 1990's and what my views were. Was I as indifferent as to call the Iraq War no big deal? I don't think I was. I hope I wasn't.
The lukewarm opinions and dispassionate views just made me cringe. Moreover, they made me feel a bit more nervous about the direction of the country right now. With the numerous issues being bandied about that could destroy the very fabric of We the People, I feel trepidation and fear for the upcoming elections. The disinterest makes me worry that the country will continue down a path toward tyranny and oppression. If these aren't big deal issues for them, then what are? But I suppose I'm just overreacting. After all, it's no big deal.
Sunday, May 5, 2019
Gingersnaps
My aunt passed away during the night. We weren't blood-related, but we had a few things in common. Like lupus and migraines for example. I wasn't aware she had lupus until after I was diagnosed. I never remember seeing signs of it anyway, but as a kid I likely wasn't all that inclined to be on the look out for such. Despite having these two things in common, one big thing we did not share: how we managed them.
She was a two pack a day smoker when I was younger. I know she had slowed her smoking as she got older and her kids tried to get her to quit a lot over the years, but even with the oxygen tank, she still made way for a cigarette now and then. I never smoked nearly as much as she did, but I did smoke until about 12 years ago. Then I stopped. I am glad I did for a number of reasons. It's just plain good for your overall health not to smoke, but it's one of those things that always comes up on the thing to avoid lists when you have a chronic illness. She never stopped though.
I never recall seeing her cover up much in the sun either. I know she'd put on sunscreen and big sunglasses, but she liked the sun as far as I can remember. If I saw her in the shade with others, it was because of the heat more than the sunlight, or so I thought. Maybe I just don't have accurate memories, but I don't remember her ever going out of her way to cover up with long-sleeves or big hats. I don't remember ever seeing her with lesions or rashes either. Of course, I may just not have been around for those flares. Maybe she was just really good with make-up.
She didn't seem too inclined to change her diet either. She ate your average diet honestly. It didn't seem to faze her at all come meal time. Wine, bread, potatoes, sugary things, salty things, or coffee. Always coffee with cream and sugar. If she avoided alfalfa or nightshades or chocolate, I don't recall. There were tomatoes and peppers on trays and salads at family get togethers, so maybe she just didn't like eggplant or alfalfa. I get that. I'm not a huge fan of those either. When I learned those can trigger flares, I was not all that put-out about it. I wouldn't likely eat them anyway.
It needs to be said that she was diagnosed when very little was known about lupus. There weren't a lot of treatment options and when it came to migraines, well. It was a lot of female hysteria. There wasn't an internet either, so no Dr. Google or PubMed to help her navigate her diagnosis. Perhaps these accounted for the differences in what I recall witnessing and what I now understand about our shared conditions. Who knows? She wasn't exactly forthcoming when it came to her health.
What I do know is she lived to be in her 80's. She may have had an oxygen tank the last several years, but she lived her life the way she wanted and best knew how I'd wager. She raised four kids and I have lost track of how many grand kids. She kept a garden and a home. She lived. If she lived this life that made her happy and satisfied, why do anything different? Was she happy and satisfied?
My neurologist told me this week that my vertigo, lack of coordination, and perception weirdness are all part of my migraine. He said that it's not unusual to find a treatment that helps manage the pain, but not the other symptoms. When the pain is absent, then all those other symptoms are more noticeable. And there's not anything to be done. It's disheartening. I've spent so much time trying to control or manage or mitigate the stupidity of this body and it's led to this point. Not anything to be done and a shoulder shrug. That's what I get. That's likely what my aunt got, too.
What now? I don't really know. I'm not sure what my quality of life is going to look like from here on. I can keep doing the things I've been doing. Maybe they're doing some good. It doesn't really feel like it right now though. These neurological symptoms are scary. I don't know when they'll hit. I don't know how long they'll last. I don't know how intense they'll be when they do hit. I do know they'll strike at some point during my day, every day. That I can count on.
I haven't heard when my aunt's funeral will be. Some time this week I imagine. I made her gingersnap recipe today. I'm taking them to share with some friends this afternoon. It seems appropriate to remember her that way today. They're damn fine gingersnaps after all.
She was a two pack a day smoker when I was younger. I know she had slowed her smoking as she got older and her kids tried to get her to quit a lot over the years, but even with the oxygen tank, she still made way for a cigarette now and then. I never smoked nearly as much as she did, but I did smoke until about 12 years ago. Then I stopped. I am glad I did for a number of reasons. It's just plain good for your overall health not to smoke, but it's one of those things that always comes up on the thing to avoid lists when you have a chronic illness. She never stopped though.
I never recall seeing her cover up much in the sun either. I know she'd put on sunscreen and big sunglasses, but she liked the sun as far as I can remember. If I saw her in the shade with others, it was because of the heat more than the sunlight, or so I thought. Maybe I just don't have accurate memories, but I don't remember her ever going out of her way to cover up with long-sleeves or big hats. I don't remember ever seeing her with lesions or rashes either. Of course, I may just not have been around for those flares. Maybe she was just really good with make-up.
She didn't seem too inclined to change her diet either. She ate your average diet honestly. It didn't seem to faze her at all come meal time. Wine, bread, potatoes, sugary things, salty things, or coffee. Always coffee with cream and sugar. If she avoided alfalfa or nightshades or chocolate, I don't recall. There were tomatoes and peppers on trays and salads at family get togethers, so maybe she just didn't like eggplant or alfalfa. I get that. I'm not a huge fan of those either. When I learned those can trigger flares, I was not all that put-out about it. I wouldn't likely eat them anyway.
It needs to be said that she was diagnosed when very little was known about lupus. There weren't a lot of treatment options and when it came to migraines, well. It was a lot of female hysteria. There wasn't an internet either, so no Dr. Google or PubMed to help her navigate her diagnosis. Perhaps these accounted for the differences in what I recall witnessing and what I now understand about our shared conditions. Who knows? She wasn't exactly forthcoming when it came to her health.
What I do know is she lived to be in her 80's. She may have had an oxygen tank the last several years, but she lived her life the way she wanted and best knew how I'd wager. She raised four kids and I have lost track of how many grand kids. She kept a garden and a home. She lived. If she lived this life that made her happy and satisfied, why do anything different? Was she happy and satisfied?
My neurologist told me this week that my vertigo, lack of coordination, and perception weirdness are all part of my migraine. He said that it's not unusual to find a treatment that helps manage the pain, but not the other symptoms. When the pain is absent, then all those other symptoms are more noticeable. And there's not anything to be done. It's disheartening. I've spent so much time trying to control or manage or mitigate the stupidity of this body and it's led to this point. Not anything to be done and a shoulder shrug. That's what I get. That's likely what my aunt got, too.
What now? I don't really know. I'm not sure what my quality of life is going to look like from here on. I can keep doing the things I've been doing. Maybe they're doing some good. It doesn't really feel like it right now though. These neurological symptoms are scary. I don't know when they'll hit. I don't know how long they'll last. I don't know how intense they'll be when they do hit. I do know they'll strike at some point during my day, every day. That I can count on.
I haven't heard when my aunt's funeral will be. Some time this week I imagine. I made her gingersnap recipe today. I'm taking them to share with some friends this afternoon. It seems appropriate to remember her that way today. They're damn fine gingersnaps after all.
Saturday, April 27, 2019
I Am Worth Defending
I am worth defending.
Go on. Say it out loud. Does it feel weird? Strange? Awkward?
Say it again. Louder.
And again.
Easier yet?
The first time I said it was last Saturday. It was how we closed a three hour self-defense class. I finally signed up for and took that self-defense class I've been trying to do for the last two years. Yeah me!
I was not expecting most of the three hours to be conversation. There was a fair amount of practicing different strategies to get out of uncomfortable situations like: Name it. Say it. Repeat it. Leave it. Essentially, if someone is standing to closely to you for example, you say, "You're standing really close to me. Step back." If they don't, you repeat the "step back". If they still don't, then you say, "Since you didn't step back when I told you to, I'm going to..."
This made me think of that asshole in Seattle who didn't think he needed to move his jacket from where my friend was sitting. I don't know if you read that particular blog, but the guy was a total asshole who didn't think he needed to respect what a woman said to him. He even stared me down over it. Total asshole. This strategy would have some in handy. So would have telling him that: "Wow. I didn't realize you were an asshole. Ok, different tactic then".
He was such an asshole.
Anyway, we also did some punching into the bag. Practicing the heel of the hand, foot stomp, knee to groin, and backward elbow among others. That felt good, too. If I'd had the presence of mind to do the elbow blow to that asshole who assaulted me when I was belly dancing at the restaurant that one time, it would have been most excellent. He'd totally have deserved it.
At the end of the session though, we did the clap-clap-stomp (think "We Will Rock You") and after the stomp, we'd take turns saying, "I am worth defending." I honestly hadn't ever thought that let alone said it out loud. But I did with a bit more confidence than I probably would have at the start of the class.
As a final comment, the leader told us that it's not unusual after a self-defense class to have visceral, strong emotional reactions like intense crying, anger, or excitement. I figured that I might have some reaction, but since I hadn't actually been raped or abused by a family member etc. like some of the women she'd worked with, that I wouldn't have too much of an issue.
I was wrong.
I didn't make it out of the parking lot.
I was pondering the worth defending statement and said it again when I got in the car. Then the deluge commenced. I sobbed. Once the tears mostly subsided and I could drive, I started for home and proceeded to cry as I drove. I kept trying to hold it in and breathed very deeply in an effort not to lose it. When I got home, I sat down on the kitchen floor and bawled. My cats came to check on me. Little balls of comforting purrs they are.
Once the crying jag was over, I figured I had gotten it out of the way and was fine for the rest of the day.
I was wrong.
I couldn't sleep. I got totally jacked up excited and couldn't stop moving or thinking. Or drinking for that matter. Bear in mind this was the Saturday before Easter when the whole fam gathers for one of those celebratory meals. I was dancing and drinking seltzers and essentially cutting loose. I'm usually in bed by 11pm at the latest on the weekends.
Anyway, it was full moon weekend too, so of course I decided to go outside and light a candle and some incense and sit staring at the moon while repeating "I am worth defending" over and over and over. At 2am I did this. It felt like a good time for a full moon basking ritual. Easter is all about coming back to life right? It kind felt like that. Like some sort of coming back to life with a new understanding of myself.
I think I finally crashed somewhere around 3-330a. Then I woke at 530a and dozed off and on until I knew I just had to get up and get the Easter things done for the gathering since making pies was not going to happen after that workshop.
I didn't anticipate any of this when I decided to go to the YWCA for a class. But it happened. I'm glad it did. I have a new mantra that I repeat to myself when I am feeling doubt or insecurity: I am worth defending.
So are you.
Go on. Say it out loud. Does it feel weird? Strange? Awkward?
Say it again. Louder.
And again.
Easier yet?
The first time I said it was last Saturday. It was how we closed a three hour self-defense class. I finally signed up for and took that self-defense class I've been trying to do for the last two years. Yeah me!
I was not expecting most of the three hours to be conversation. There was a fair amount of practicing different strategies to get out of uncomfortable situations like: Name it. Say it. Repeat it. Leave it. Essentially, if someone is standing to closely to you for example, you say, "You're standing really close to me. Step back." If they don't, you repeat the "step back". If they still don't, then you say, "Since you didn't step back when I told you to, I'm going to..."
This made me think of that asshole in Seattle who didn't think he needed to move his jacket from where my friend was sitting. I don't know if you read that particular blog, but the guy was a total asshole who didn't think he needed to respect what a woman said to him. He even stared me down over it. Total asshole. This strategy would have some in handy. So would have telling him that: "Wow. I didn't realize you were an asshole. Ok, different tactic then".
He was such an asshole.
Anyway, we also did some punching into the bag. Practicing the heel of the hand, foot stomp, knee to groin, and backward elbow among others. That felt good, too. If I'd had the presence of mind to do the elbow blow to that asshole who assaulted me when I was belly dancing at the restaurant that one time, it would have been most excellent. He'd totally have deserved it.
At the end of the session though, we did the clap-clap-stomp (think "We Will Rock You") and after the stomp, we'd take turns saying, "I am worth defending." I honestly hadn't ever thought that let alone said it out loud. But I did with a bit more confidence than I probably would have at the start of the class.
As a final comment, the leader told us that it's not unusual after a self-defense class to have visceral, strong emotional reactions like intense crying, anger, or excitement. I figured that I might have some reaction, but since I hadn't actually been raped or abused by a family member etc. like some of the women she'd worked with, that I wouldn't have too much of an issue.
I was wrong.
I didn't make it out of the parking lot.
I was pondering the worth defending statement and said it again when I got in the car. Then the deluge commenced. I sobbed. Once the tears mostly subsided and I could drive, I started for home and proceeded to cry as I drove. I kept trying to hold it in and breathed very deeply in an effort not to lose it. When I got home, I sat down on the kitchen floor and bawled. My cats came to check on me. Little balls of comforting purrs they are.
Once the crying jag was over, I figured I had gotten it out of the way and was fine for the rest of the day.
I was wrong.
I couldn't sleep. I got totally jacked up excited and couldn't stop moving or thinking. Or drinking for that matter. Bear in mind this was the Saturday before Easter when the whole fam gathers for one of those celebratory meals. I was dancing and drinking seltzers and essentially cutting loose. I'm usually in bed by 11pm at the latest on the weekends.
Anyway, it was full moon weekend too, so of course I decided to go outside and light a candle and some incense and sit staring at the moon while repeating "I am worth defending" over and over and over. At 2am I did this. It felt like a good time for a full moon basking ritual. Easter is all about coming back to life right? It kind felt like that. Like some sort of coming back to life with a new understanding of myself.
I think I finally crashed somewhere around 3-330a. Then I woke at 530a and dozed off and on until I knew I just had to get up and get the Easter things done for the gathering since making pies was not going to happen after that workshop.
I didn't anticipate any of this when I decided to go to the YWCA for a class. But it happened. I'm glad it did. I have a new mantra that I repeat to myself when I am feeling doubt or insecurity: I am worth defending.
So are you.
Sunday, April 14, 2019
That Conversation
I hate Asians.
This comment was recently stated in my presence. What the actual fuck, right? Who says this? Apparently a young man I have known for three and a half years does.
The comment completely caught me off-guard. I've never been confronted by such blatant racism before. It took everything in my power not to lose my shit on this person. Instead, I asked:
Why do you feel that way?
They scare me.
Why?
They're smarter than me.
I didn't say this next part. It occurred only in my head as I struggled to figure out the next step in our conversation.
Holy shit. You're kidding me right? Because you're insecure about your intelligence you are going to say something so outrageously racist? Asia is the largest continent. Not only is it the largest, it is the most densely populated continent, too. What the actual fuck? What do I say to this so that I am both an ally and a model for civil discourse when I really just want to scream, "Get out of my sight you racist motherfucker!"
This would have been the least appropriate response given the circumstances.
So I said:
Being afraid is ok. We're all afraid of something and they can be irrational at times. When we find ourselves feeling afraid, we have to ask ourselves why we feel that way. For example, if you came across Asians doing something you saw as intelligent in nature, you have to go through some cognitive behavior therapy. You have to ask yourself: Are they doing anything to frighten me? Are they doing anything to threaten me? If they are doing neither of those things, there is no reason to be afraid. The more you do this, the easier it will become to release that fear and hate.
He persisted and felt the need to be clear that he's all right with Asians. He can sit next to them and hang out with them. But they freak him out. He's got friends who are Asian. He can be around them, but they scare him.
Gah! He was using his friend as a prop to justify his racism. How can you be friends with someone when you hate their whole race? I really wanted to slap some sense into this person, but instead I said:
Do you realize that your fear is based on a stereotype?
He stammered some other nonsense that made me want to slap my hand to my forehead and scream.
I don't know how many times I said the "fear is based on a stereotype" bit, but damn he kept at it with trying to explain himself. I was in shock as his explanations just kept digging him deeper into the racist hole he started for himself.
Do you realize that your comment and your view on Asians says more about you than it does about them?
I really have no idea what he spewed in response. It just became so much racist-laden bullshit that I couldn't process anymore of it.
It's been four days and I think I'm still in shock.I have no idea if he understands how racist that comment was. Is. The next time I see him, I have to somehow pretend that I don't see him differently. But I do. How can I not? He is an absolute and unapologetic racist. The fact that he felt emboldened enough to say such an appalling thing is just symptomatic of the state of this country right now. Hate groups feel at ease to walk and talk and throw their despicable vitriol around for anyone and everyone to see. Hate crimes are rising. Elected officials are being vilified because they are women of color.
It needs to stop. We need to do better. I hope we can.
This comment was recently stated in my presence. What the actual fuck, right? Who says this? Apparently a young man I have known for three and a half years does.
The comment completely caught me off-guard. I've never been confronted by such blatant racism before. It took everything in my power not to lose my shit on this person. Instead, I asked:
Why do you feel that way?
They scare me.
Why?
They're smarter than me.
I didn't say this next part. It occurred only in my head as I struggled to figure out the next step in our conversation.
Holy shit. You're kidding me right? Because you're insecure about your intelligence you are going to say something so outrageously racist? Asia is the largest continent. Not only is it the largest, it is the most densely populated continent, too. What the actual fuck? What do I say to this so that I am both an ally and a model for civil discourse when I really just want to scream, "Get out of my sight you racist motherfucker!"
This would have been the least appropriate response given the circumstances.
So I said:
Being afraid is ok. We're all afraid of something and they can be irrational at times. When we find ourselves feeling afraid, we have to ask ourselves why we feel that way. For example, if you came across Asians doing something you saw as intelligent in nature, you have to go through some cognitive behavior therapy. You have to ask yourself: Are they doing anything to frighten me? Are they doing anything to threaten me? If they are doing neither of those things, there is no reason to be afraid. The more you do this, the easier it will become to release that fear and hate.
He persisted and felt the need to be clear that he's all right with Asians. He can sit next to them and hang out with them. But they freak him out. He's got friends who are Asian. He can be around them, but they scare him.
Gah! He was using his friend as a prop to justify his racism. How can you be friends with someone when you hate their whole race? I really wanted to slap some sense into this person, but instead I said:
Do you realize that your fear is based on a stereotype?
He stammered some other nonsense that made me want to slap my hand to my forehead and scream.
I don't know how many times I said the "fear is based on a stereotype" bit, but damn he kept at it with trying to explain himself. I was in shock as his explanations just kept digging him deeper into the racist hole he started for himself.
Do you realize that your comment and your view on Asians says more about you than it does about them?
I really have no idea what he spewed in response. It just became so much racist-laden bullshit that I couldn't process anymore of it.
It's been four days and I think I'm still in shock.I have no idea if he understands how racist that comment was. Is. The next time I see him, I have to somehow pretend that I don't see him differently. But I do. How can I not? He is an absolute and unapologetic racist. The fact that he felt emboldened enough to say such an appalling thing is just symptomatic of the state of this country right now. Hate groups feel at ease to walk and talk and throw their despicable vitriol around for anyone and everyone to see. Hate crimes are rising. Elected officials are being vilified because they are women of color.
It needs to stop. We need to do better. I hope we can.
Sunday, April 7, 2019
Breaking Free
I was humming Friday night. It caught me off guard. I stopped for a minute and asked myself when the last time was that I was humming. I couldn't remember. But there I was getting dinner ready with my parents, and I was humming. I'd even had my first real migraine that morning since starting Ajovy, yet I was definitely humming contentedly.
It dawned on me: I feel good.
Seriously. For the first time in uncountable weeks. I. Felt. Good.
Holy crap!
I was smiling. I was laughing. I was talking and not feeling like it was all an act. I had to wonder if maybe it was just my postdrome or even another prodrome messing with me.
Until I woke up Saturday not feeling like total ass. I didn't drag myself out of bed. I didn't slog into the kitchen to make coffee. I actually felt like I didn't have to rely on the coffee to perk me up. I drank a cup of coffee because let's be honest: coffee is the nectar of the gods. Then I read through the headlines, did my squats, and did the dishes all before my husband got up. Well ok, I was finishing the dishes when he got up. Overall, I felt lighter somehow.
I looked outside to watch the beautiful coral sunrise, I played with the cats, and I was thinking about what I should do. I took a shower to contemplate this feeling of happy I had grown accustomed to living without.
Then I cried. I cried in the shower. Not the ugly cry of despair, but the crying of finally starting to feel like myself again. It'd been so long since I felt that optimism. It'd been so long since I wasn't sighing heavily. It'd been so long since I wanted to go out of the house and do things.
I wanted to go for a walk.
So we did. We walked around the neighborhood in the chilly Montana spring wind. We picked up garbage along the way to do our part to clean things up around here. I compared my walk to the walk from last weekend. Totally different.
I wasn't forcing myself to go for one. I wanted to go. I wanted to hear the birds. I wanted to see the spring emerging all around me. I wanted to spend time with my husband talking and just enjoying the unrestricted time together. It felt great. I was truly enjoying myself.
I even discovered that I wanted to have sex. That startled me. I haven't really been much interested in that at all. It's been a rather meh kind of thought in my world if it even became a thought in my head at all. But not yesterday. Yesterday I wanted to have sex with my husband.
So we did.
On Monday, I made a change. I had talked to my doctors. I had talked to a friend of mine who is a professional in functional medicine and nutrition and wellness. I knew I needed to do something about my depression, but I didn't want another prescription. I hate antidepressants. I have tried three and they have all been less than stellar. I really wanted something that would not deplete my libido even more. I wanted that back. Like, a lot.
Anyway, I had some St. John's Wort despite the fact that my rheumatologist and friend thought it wasn't the best option. My rheumatologist wanted me try another low dose antidepressant. Ick. I needed to do something because I didn't know when the 5 HTP was going to arrive. The possibility of increased headaches or light sensitivity didn't discourage me. I already take precautions in the sun and I know what to be cognizant of in that regard. As for headaches, those supposedly dissipate after 7-10 days of starting the supplement. The Ajovy had also been doing an outstanding job of managing those. I did consult with all my health professionals and decided to give SJW a go.
And I am so glad I did. My head is clearer. My libido is back. I don't feel so blech about everything. I even wanted to go to the grocery store. I laughed. I felt playful. I felt uplifted. I didn't expect such a dramatic change after just one week. Yet, here I am in a whole different head-space than last Sunday.
I hope the slight headaches diminish. I hope I don't get even more photosensitive. I hope the herb doesn't decrease the effectiveness of my blood pressure med, which I take for something other than blood pressure mind you. If any of these things go awry, I do have another option waiting. Now that I remember what it feels like not to have this dark cloud consuming me, I don't want to go back.
I broke free and I like it.
It dawned on me: I feel good.
Seriously. For the first time in uncountable weeks. I. Felt. Good.
Holy crap!
I was smiling. I was laughing. I was talking and not feeling like it was all an act. I had to wonder if maybe it was just my postdrome or even another prodrome messing with me.
Until I woke up Saturday not feeling like total ass. I didn't drag myself out of bed. I didn't slog into the kitchen to make coffee. I actually felt like I didn't have to rely on the coffee to perk me up. I drank a cup of coffee because let's be honest: coffee is the nectar of the gods. Then I read through the headlines, did my squats, and did the dishes all before my husband got up. Well ok, I was finishing the dishes when he got up. Overall, I felt lighter somehow.
I looked outside to watch the beautiful coral sunrise, I played with the cats, and I was thinking about what I should do. I took a shower to contemplate this feeling of happy I had grown accustomed to living without.
Then I cried. I cried in the shower. Not the ugly cry of despair, but the crying of finally starting to feel like myself again. It'd been so long since I felt that optimism. It'd been so long since I wasn't sighing heavily. It'd been so long since I wanted to go out of the house and do things.
I wanted to go for a walk.
So we did. We walked around the neighborhood in the chilly Montana spring wind. We picked up garbage along the way to do our part to clean things up around here. I compared my walk to the walk from last weekend. Totally different.
I wasn't forcing myself to go for one. I wanted to go. I wanted to hear the birds. I wanted to see the spring emerging all around me. I wanted to spend time with my husband talking and just enjoying the unrestricted time together. It felt great. I was truly enjoying myself.
I even discovered that I wanted to have sex. That startled me. I haven't really been much interested in that at all. It's been a rather meh kind of thought in my world if it even became a thought in my head at all. But not yesterday. Yesterday I wanted to have sex with my husband.
So we did.
On Monday, I made a change. I had talked to my doctors. I had talked to a friend of mine who is a professional in functional medicine and nutrition and wellness. I knew I needed to do something about my depression, but I didn't want another prescription. I hate antidepressants. I have tried three and they have all been less than stellar. I really wanted something that would not deplete my libido even more. I wanted that back. Like, a lot.
Anyway, I had some St. John's Wort despite the fact that my rheumatologist and friend thought it wasn't the best option. My rheumatologist wanted me try another low dose antidepressant. Ick. I needed to do something because I didn't know when the 5 HTP was going to arrive. The possibility of increased headaches or light sensitivity didn't discourage me. I already take precautions in the sun and I know what to be cognizant of in that regard. As for headaches, those supposedly dissipate after 7-10 days of starting the supplement. The Ajovy had also been doing an outstanding job of managing those. I did consult with all my health professionals and decided to give SJW a go.
And I am so glad I did. My head is clearer. My libido is back. I don't feel so blech about everything. I even wanted to go to the grocery store. I laughed. I felt playful. I felt uplifted. I didn't expect such a dramatic change after just one week. Yet, here I am in a whole different head-space than last Sunday.
I hope the slight headaches diminish. I hope I don't get even more photosensitive. I hope the herb doesn't decrease the effectiveness of my blood pressure med, which I take for something other than blood pressure mind you. If any of these things go awry, I do have another option waiting. Now that I remember what it feels like not to have this dark cloud consuming me, I don't want to go back.
I broke free and I like it.
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Existing
When I was younger, I loved Peanuts. Not the snack, the cartoon. Charlie Brown had a beagle and so did I. Snoopy made me laugh. There were posters with Snoopy about "Happiness is a warm puppy". Even now, if you Google Snoopy and the word happiness, you get a bunch of variations on that idea.
Sometimes I don't think I know how to be happy. I laugh sometimes. I enjoy moments. But I don't really recall what it feels like to be happy.
Right now, I just feel like crawling in bed and staying there. I don't want to be touched. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone.
I kinda want a good cry. But I don't think the tears will come. Just more heavy sighs.
I came close to happy last night. "Brown-eyed Girl" by Van Morrison was on the radio. I love that song. It's uplifting in a way. I had a living room dance party while it played. Dancing makes me feel good. Not belly dancing right now, but just care free like I don't give a damn kind of dancing. Just me and the song without concern or worry. That freedom I think makes me happy.
But the song is over. It's another day. I feel gross really. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel energetic. I feel sad. I feel like shutting out everything and just snuggling up to one of our cats. I don't think happiness is a purring cat, but it certainly makes me less unhappy. I find it soothing at any rate.
Tomorrow is another month. Another month to try again. Another month to find something to bring myself back. Another month to maybe try new methods; new supplements; new activities; new attempts at old successes.
My new injections of Ajovy are working. My migraines are under control. I have broken through that barrier. Why do I still feel the oppression on my shoulders? Why is my back hunched over? Why can I name it for what it is, yet still feel its weight pulling me closer to earth rather than lightening me toward the air?
I should get dressed and go for a walk. Let the breeze brush my face. Smell the earthiness of spring. Hear the sparrows, jays, and robins. See the flowers starting to burst through. It's a lot of work though. Getting dressed. Going out the door. Walking aimlessly through the neighborhood. So much easier just to stay here in my robe and cuddle a cat.
After all, the new month starts tomorrow. Not today.
Sometimes I don't think I know how to be happy. I laugh sometimes. I enjoy moments. But I don't really recall what it feels like to be happy.
Right now, I just feel like crawling in bed and staying there. I don't want to be touched. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone.
I kinda want a good cry. But I don't think the tears will come. Just more heavy sighs.
I came close to happy last night. "Brown-eyed Girl" by Van Morrison was on the radio. I love that song. It's uplifting in a way. I had a living room dance party while it played. Dancing makes me feel good. Not belly dancing right now, but just care free like I don't give a damn kind of dancing. Just me and the song without concern or worry. That freedom I think makes me happy.
But the song is over. It's another day. I feel gross really. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel energetic. I feel sad. I feel like shutting out everything and just snuggling up to one of our cats. I don't think happiness is a purring cat, but it certainly makes me less unhappy. I find it soothing at any rate.
Tomorrow is another month. Another month to try again. Another month to find something to bring myself back. Another month to maybe try new methods; new supplements; new activities; new attempts at old successes.
My new injections of Ajovy are working. My migraines are under control. I have broken through that barrier. Why do I still feel the oppression on my shoulders? Why is my back hunched over? Why can I name it for what it is, yet still feel its weight pulling me closer to earth rather than lightening me toward the air?
I should get dressed and go for a walk. Let the breeze brush my face. Smell the earthiness of spring. Hear the sparrows, jays, and robins. See the flowers starting to burst through. It's a lot of work though. Getting dressed. Going out the door. Walking aimlessly through the neighborhood. So much easier just to stay here in my robe and cuddle a cat.
After all, the new month starts tomorrow. Not today.
Sunday, March 17, 2019
Could This Be It?
Friday was the Ides of March. When the 15th of a month rolls around, I usually scramble to the phone to refill my Zomig.
But this time, I didn't. I didn't even check the refill date until the day after. Sure enough, the official "you can refill this now" date was the 15th as usual. Want to know how many triptans I had left?
3. I have 3 left from my last refill.
To be clear, February was a particularly nasty month of migraine. It's of course Anniversary Month around here. More than our share of grief in that shortest month. Then the weather patterns kept swinging hard from warmish to below freezing and back again. We had storms over and over and over. I truly hated checking the weather report because it just looked like pain on my screen. I had come home on Valentine's Day with a migraine. I had taken two already that week and really didn't want to take more lest I be punished by the dreaded medication overuse gods.
After refilling my script and getting 6 more shiny pills in the unforgiving blister pack of frustration, we had some hellacious extreme weather.
I tried. I really tried not to take more than 2 that week. When your insurance limits how many you can have, you must ration your triptans, especially when insurance knocks you from 9 to 6 per month without warning or explanation.
But I caved. I took three in the week following the refill because every time I thought the agony was gone, it came raging back. I'd missed 2.5 days of work. It was a terrible month, and I was desperate.
Then, I got my first CGRP injection. I went with Ajovy.
The week after the injection, I noticed that the pain would come. But then it would go. It was rarely overwhelming pain. Sometimes the pain was clearly coming from my sore neck, so I took Tylenol. And that was enough.
Tylenol hasn't been enough for years.
I checked my migraine app and it confirmed that my pain and migraine days were both considerably less than the two weeks prior to the injection.
Is it truly possible that I've finally found that "Hot New Thing" that puts a stop to this train wreck?
No more elimination diets. No more eyeing food with trepidation. No more dread when I look at the weather forecast. No more prepping every night before leaving work just in case I need a sub. No more pain 18 of 30 days stolen. Is it really as easy as one injection a month?
I still have the color blobs, occasional sparkles, blurred spots, wiggly spots, and vertigo mind you. But I had those first before the pain.
Pain. No more pain. It's a kind of surreal idea. Almost disquieting. There's that unease about allowing myself to enjoy this only to have it ripped away. Where is that proverbial shoe and when will it drop?
I guess I should be optimistic, but cautious as well. After all, the Lamictal took away my pain for a month, but then it came back. I guess I'll know more when April 15th rolls around. Will I still have 3 triptans? Will they be the same 3 from this month?
Who knows? But spring starts this week. Spring is renewal and new life. A break in the bleak harshness that is winter here. I keep trying to call the CGRP Avjoy. Maybe there's a reason for that. It's a little injection of joy just in time for spring.
But this time, I didn't. I didn't even check the refill date until the day after. Sure enough, the official "you can refill this now" date was the 15th as usual. Want to know how many triptans I had left?
3. I have 3 left from my last refill.
To be clear, February was a particularly nasty month of migraine. It's of course Anniversary Month around here. More than our share of grief in that shortest month. Then the weather patterns kept swinging hard from warmish to below freezing and back again. We had storms over and over and over. I truly hated checking the weather report because it just looked like pain on my screen. I had come home on Valentine's Day with a migraine. I had taken two already that week and really didn't want to take more lest I be punished by the dreaded medication overuse gods.
After refilling my script and getting 6 more shiny pills in the unforgiving blister pack of frustration, we had some hellacious extreme weather.
I tried. I really tried not to take more than 2 that week. When your insurance limits how many you can have, you must ration your triptans, especially when insurance knocks you from 9 to 6 per month without warning or explanation.
But I caved. I took three in the week following the refill because every time I thought the agony was gone, it came raging back. I'd missed 2.5 days of work. It was a terrible month, and I was desperate.
Then, I got my first CGRP injection. I went with Ajovy.
The week after the injection, I noticed that the pain would come. But then it would go. It was rarely overwhelming pain. Sometimes the pain was clearly coming from my sore neck, so I took Tylenol. And that was enough.
Tylenol hasn't been enough for years.
I checked my migraine app and it confirmed that my pain and migraine days were both considerably less than the two weeks prior to the injection.
Is it truly possible that I've finally found that "Hot New Thing" that puts a stop to this train wreck?
No more elimination diets. No more eyeing food with trepidation. No more dread when I look at the weather forecast. No more prepping every night before leaving work just in case I need a sub. No more pain 18 of 30 days stolen. Is it really as easy as one injection a month?
I still have the color blobs, occasional sparkles, blurred spots, wiggly spots, and vertigo mind you. But I had those first before the pain.
Pain. No more pain. It's a kind of surreal idea. Almost disquieting. There's that unease about allowing myself to enjoy this only to have it ripped away. Where is that proverbial shoe and when will it drop?
I guess I should be optimistic, but cautious as well. After all, the Lamictal took away my pain for a month, but then it came back. I guess I'll know more when April 15th rolls around. Will I still have 3 triptans? Will they be the same 3 from this month?
Who knows? But spring starts this week. Spring is renewal and new life. A break in the bleak harshness that is winter here. I keep trying to call the CGRP Avjoy. Maybe there's a reason for that. It's a little injection of joy just in time for spring.
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Fighter
I refuse to let it own me I refuse to lose myself I refuse to linger in self-pity I will not let it stop me.
Most of us have at one time or another said these and other similar statements to ourselves.
We bear it. We push it. We plan it. We adjust to it.
We tolerate.
We manage.
We endure.
We do so many things in order to simply survive.
You don't see it.
We don't always get to thrive.
You don't feel it.
We sometimes lose our drive.
You don't hear it.
But then we wake up. Get ourselves ready for another day. And we fight again.
Most of us have at one time or another said these and other similar statements to ourselves.
We negotiate. We insist. We demand.
We bear it. We push it. We plan it. We adjust to it.
We tolerate.
We manage.
We endure.
We hide.
We do so many things in order to simply survive.
You don't see it.
We don't always get to thrive.
You don't feel it.
We sometimes lose our drive.
You don't hear it.
We rest.
We retreat.
We refresh.
And eventually we sleep.
Sunday, February 24, 2019
Myth
You know, there's a lot about Greek mythology that is messed up. Seriously. What's up with Zeus and his philandering and his bestiality? Then, they explain the passage of the seasons with a kidnapping and roofie tale like Persephone and Hades. Sheesh. That's some messed up shit. Then there's Pandora. While she was considered a "punishment" after Prometheus stole fire and gave it to the humans, there is something about that myth that I do appreciate: hope.
You see, Pandora unleashed the sins of the world upon the humans when she opened that box, although it was apparently a jar, not a box. Anyway, this myth is supposed to explain why there is evil in the world. But at the bottom of that jar, one thing was left and that was hope.
The myth itself isn't terribly inspiring or anything. In fact it is misogynistic that again a female is to blame for the badness in the world, but it does remind us to keep hope in some fashion. It's tough sometimes to do that; to keep hope. We hope that insurance will approve our specialty meds. We hope that the next specialist will be able to answer all our questions. We hope that a new treatment will be approved for use. We hope that the new treatment plan will be the one to make us feel better. We hope that the migraine that's sent us home that day will be gone by the next morning. We hope that we can take a trip and be well enough to enjoy all the things we have planned. We hope that trip to the emergency care won't put us too far behind on our budgets. We hope and hope and hope.
I've given up the hope that someone will be able to explain why the migraines that have plagued me for the last two years exploded the way they did. I've given up hope that my neurologist will be available to me when I need her. I've given up hope that my current regimen of pills is doing anything to curtail the migraines. I've given up hope that Botox is the answer to my pain. I've given up trying to isolate a trigger that is within my power to control.
Yet, there at the bottom of the jar is the hope that this next phase will be the one. This time will make a difference. That one of the new CGRP meds is the solution for my migraines. It's going to take awhile to see if insurance will approve it. It's going to take awhile to get over the fear of giving myself a shot. It's going to take awhile for the med to build up in my system.
But I've been waiting for a few years now. I think I can wait a bit more. After all, what is there besides hope at this point? Hopefully, this time the solution is not a myth.
You see, Pandora unleashed the sins of the world upon the humans when she opened that box, although it was apparently a jar, not a box. Anyway, this myth is supposed to explain why there is evil in the world. But at the bottom of that jar, one thing was left and that was hope.
The myth itself isn't terribly inspiring or anything. In fact it is misogynistic that again a female is to blame for the badness in the world, but it does remind us to keep hope in some fashion. It's tough sometimes to do that; to keep hope. We hope that insurance will approve our specialty meds. We hope that the next specialist will be able to answer all our questions. We hope that a new treatment will be approved for use. We hope that the new treatment plan will be the one to make us feel better. We hope that the migraine that's sent us home that day will be gone by the next morning. We hope that we can take a trip and be well enough to enjoy all the things we have planned. We hope that trip to the emergency care won't put us too far behind on our budgets. We hope and hope and hope.
I've given up the hope that someone will be able to explain why the migraines that have plagued me for the last two years exploded the way they did. I've given up hope that my neurologist will be available to me when I need her. I've given up hope that my current regimen of pills is doing anything to curtail the migraines. I've given up hope that Botox is the answer to my pain. I've given up trying to isolate a trigger that is within my power to control.
Yet, there at the bottom of the jar is the hope that this next phase will be the one. This time will make a difference. That one of the new CGRP meds is the solution for my migraines. It's going to take awhile to see if insurance will approve it. It's going to take awhile to get over the fear of giving myself a shot. It's going to take awhile for the med to build up in my system.
But I've been waiting for a few years now. I think I can wait a bit more. After all, what is there besides hope at this point? Hopefully, this time the solution is not a myth.
Monday, February 18, 2019
Who Wants to be a Sick Person
Hello ladies and gentlemen and kindly viewers at home! We're here in the studio for another thrilling episode of Who Wants to be a Sick Person! In our studio tonight, we have Imma Sickntired. She's awaiting her disability claim decision after being unable to work for over a year. I bet you could really use the winnings from today's game, right Imma?
Yes, Burt.
Tell us a little about yourself, Imma.
Well, I was just living my life when one morning I was in the worst pain I'd ever felt. I couldn't move. I just sat there and cried in agony. It felt like...
Ok, that's enough about you, Imma. Don't want to bum out the viewers. Let's go ahead and get started then. Ready for your first question?
All right.
Ok everyone! Let's play Who Wants to be a Sick Person! Here's your first question, Imma: You're at an office dinner party. The buffet is fully stocked. You approach with your small plate in hand. You see a deli meat and cheese platter, chilled oysters, toasted French bread with melted cheese, and a chocolate fountain with strawberries, marshmallows, and pound cake. What foods go on your plate?
Well, let's see. The deli meats are out because of the nitrites and nitrates. I don't like oysters, besides the heavy metals are terrible for you. The French bread sounds so good, but it'd tear up my gut. The marshmallows are too much sugar so...
Time's running out, Imma. What's your answer?
I probably can have some cheese since i reset my gut bacteria, so I'd go with a few pieces of cheese and some strawberries without the chocolate.
You are correct! While dark chocolate is ok for your gut, milk chocolate has a lot of sugar. Go easy on the cheese though. You may risk a migraine or some added hormones that would decrease your healthy gut bacteria. Ready for your next question?
Let's do it, Burt.
Alrighty then! It's the holidays. You are supposed to bring cookies. Will you: A) replace the wheat flour with a non-wheat blend and erythritol and hope no one notices, B) Make them the way the recipe says to with refined white sugar and wheat flour, C) Make only dark chocolate almond bark.
Ummmmm, I'm going to have to go with A, Burt.
Oh, I am sorry Imma. You can't replace wheat flour with non-wheat flour especially in cookies. What the hell is erythritol anyway? You'd rather they eat a chemical than sugar? They'll always be able to tell. Then they'll be disappointed that you forced them to eat your way.
Let's try another one and see how you do. Your current treatment plan is not working as well as it used to. You've noticed that you're more sluggish, more pained, and more uncomfortable. Will you A) Google ideas from Mind Body Green, B) Use your doctor's Patient Portal to get their advice, C) Ignore it with the hope that the treatment plan starts working again.
Oh! I've been in this situation. While it's tempting to go to Dr. Google, I would...
*buzzer sounds*
I'm sorry to interrupt, Imma, but it looks like we've got a Suggestion from a Well-Meaning Friend to help you out.
Hello? Am I on the air? Imma?
Yes, ma'am you are on the air. What advice do you have for your friend, Imma?
Well, I noticed that your treatment plan was missing a really important option of essential oils. I know this other person who had what you have and she found this PlacebeEffectBlend with Lavender really helped her. That's what you should go with.
Really, because I was going to say the Patient Portal...
Oh no! Trust me this will work like a charm. It's kinda pricey, but my other friend swears by it. Totally worth the cost. You'll see.
Well, I think I'll stick with the Patient Portal, but thanks for you suggestion.
Fine. But when you're in pain next time, I'm not gonna promise I won't say, "Told ya so."
*sigh* Patient Portal, Burt.
Is that your final answer, Imma?
Final answer, Burt.
You were so close, Imma. You don't want to take up any more of the doctor's precious time when there are others who are needier than you. You should just ignore it and hope for the best, and maybe get some of those essential oils your friend talked about since your symptoms are just in your head.
Oh. Well, I thought Patient Portals were there to...
Well you thought wrong, Imma! It's time for your final question.
You're at work. You have just three more hours to go and it's important you be there until the end. You've been dealing with intense migraines for the last few days. You've already taken three triptans this week-including one this morning- so you could finish this week's project. Your vertigo has been getting worse and now, you've started the aura phase. You know the pain is coming and you can't get more triptans for two days. What do you do? Time starts now.
Well, Burt. I guess I notify my office manager that I have to go. Get materials together so my staff can fill in. Get a plan together for the next day just in case. Then get home and get to bed with all the self-care therapies I can before the pain starts.
Is that your plan?
That's my plan.
Well, let's poll the audience. Audience, please use the keypads in front of you to tell Imma your thoughts about her plan.
*cue dramatic and suspenseful music*
OK, it looks like all the answers have been tallied. Here's what the audience of strangers who know nothing about your condition outside of Excedrin commercials said you should do:
Go ask a co-worker for some Tylenol or Ibuprofen and take those. Then drink some water. Take some deep breaths and just push through to the end of the day. Maybe go outside for some fresh air and sunshine. Exercise will be good for you. If you leave, you're going to make it harder for everyone else on the staff who have to cover for you. You've likely already left work early before, so you owe them to stay. If you leave, you're just being selfish.
Well there you have it, Imma. Your plan thinks only about your health and well-being and no one else. You should stay and not let anyone else know how much pain you're really in. It's just a bad headache. Everyone's had those. I'm sorry, Imma, but looks like you didn't win the grand prize. Let's see what you lost.
The respect and support of your colleagues, your paid sick leave, and your well-meaning friend. I'm so sorry, Imma. How're feeling?
Fine. I'm fine.
That's right. We all knew you were fine and just faking it. *playful punch to the chin* Keep that chin up and good luck with that disability claim. I'm sure they'll believe you.
Yes, Burt.
Tell us a little about yourself, Imma.
Well, I was just living my life when one morning I was in the worst pain I'd ever felt. I couldn't move. I just sat there and cried in agony. It felt like...
Ok, that's enough about you, Imma. Don't want to bum out the viewers. Let's go ahead and get started then. Ready for your first question?
All right.
Ok everyone! Let's play Who Wants to be a Sick Person! Here's your first question, Imma: You're at an office dinner party. The buffet is fully stocked. You approach with your small plate in hand. You see a deli meat and cheese platter, chilled oysters, toasted French bread with melted cheese, and a chocolate fountain with strawberries, marshmallows, and pound cake. What foods go on your plate?
Well, let's see. The deli meats are out because of the nitrites and nitrates. I don't like oysters, besides the heavy metals are terrible for you. The French bread sounds so good, but it'd tear up my gut. The marshmallows are too much sugar so...
Time's running out, Imma. What's your answer?
I probably can have some cheese since i reset my gut bacteria, so I'd go with a few pieces of cheese and some strawberries without the chocolate.
You are correct! While dark chocolate is ok for your gut, milk chocolate has a lot of sugar. Go easy on the cheese though. You may risk a migraine or some added hormones that would decrease your healthy gut bacteria. Ready for your next question?
Let's do it, Burt.
Alrighty then! It's the holidays. You are supposed to bring cookies. Will you: A) replace the wheat flour with a non-wheat blend and erythritol and hope no one notices, B) Make them the way the recipe says to with refined white sugar and wheat flour, C) Make only dark chocolate almond bark.
Ummmmm, I'm going to have to go with A, Burt.
Oh, I am sorry Imma. You can't replace wheat flour with non-wheat flour especially in cookies. What the hell is erythritol anyway? You'd rather they eat a chemical than sugar? They'll always be able to tell. Then they'll be disappointed that you forced them to eat your way.
Let's try another one and see how you do. Your current treatment plan is not working as well as it used to. You've noticed that you're more sluggish, more pained, and more uncomfortable. Will you A) Google ideas from Mind Body Green, B) Use your doctor's Patient Portal to get their advice, C) Ignore it with the hope that the treatment plan starts working again.
Oh! I've been in this situation. While it's tempting to go to Dr. Google, I would...
*buzzer sounds*
I'm sorry to interrupt, Imma, but it looks like we've got a Suggestion from a Well-Meaning Friend to help you out.
Hello? Am I on the air? Imma?
Yes, ma'am you are on the air. What advice do you have for your friend, Imma?
Well, I noticed that your treatment plan was missing a really important option of essential oils. I know this other person who had what you have and she found this PlacebeEffectBlend with Lavender really helped her. That's what you should go with.
Really, because I was going to say the Patient Portal...
Oh no! Trust me this will work like a charm. It's kinda pricey, but my other friend swears by it. Totally worth the cost. You'll see.
Well, I think I'll stick with the Patient Portal, but thanks for you suggestion.
Fine. But when you're in pain next time, I'm not gonna promise I won't say, "Told ya so."
*sigh* Patient Portal, Burt.
Is that your final answer, Imma?
Final answer, Burt.
You were so close, Imma. You don't want to take up any more of the doctor's precious time when there are others who are needier than you. You should just ignore it and hope for the best, and maybe get some of those essential oils your friend talked about since your symptoms are just in your head.
Oh. Well, I thought Patient Portals were there to...
Well you thought wrong, Imma! It's time for your final question.
You're at work. You have just three more hours to go and it's important you be there until the end. You've been dealing with intense migraines for the last few days. You've already taken three triptans this week-including one this morning- so you could finish this week's project. Your vertigo has been getting worse and now, you've started the aura phase. You know the pain is coming and you can't get more triptans for two days. What do you do? Time starts now.
Well, Burt. I guess I notify my office manager that I have to go. Get materials together so my staff can fill in. Get a plan together for the next day just in case. Then get home and get to bed with all the self-care therapies I can before the pain starts.
Is that your plan?
That's my plan.
Well, let's poll the audience. Audience, please use the keypads in front of you to tell Imma your thoughts about her plan.
*cue dramatic and suspenseful music*
OK, it looks like all the answers have been tallied. Here's what the audience of strangers who know nothing about your condition outside of Excedrin commercials said you should do:
Go ask a co-worker for some Tylenol or Ibuprofen and take those. Then drink some water. Take some deep breaths and just push through to the end of the day. Maybe go outside for some fresh air and sunshine. Exercise will be good for you. If you leave, you're going to make it harder for everyone else on the staff who have to cover for you. You've likely already left work early before, so you owe them to stay. If you leave, you're just being selfish.
Well there you have it, Imma. Your plan thinks only about your health and well-being and no one else. You should stay and not let anyone else know how much pain you're really in. It's just a bad headache. Everyone's had those. I'm sorry, Imma, but looks like you didn't win the grand prize. Let's see what you lost.
The respect and support of your colleagues, your paid sick leave, and your well-meaning friend. I'm so sorry, Imma. How're feeling?
Fine. I'm fine.
That's right. We all knew you were fine and just faking it. *playful punch to the chin* Keep that chin up and good luck with that disability claim. I'm sure they'll believe you.
Sunday, February 10, 2019
Weary
My calendar is full. Acupuncture, neurologist, massage therapist, nutritionist, rheumatologist, and everyday life.
A lunch, a training, a meeting, a haircut.
What didn't get done yesterday, must get done today.
Or tomorrow.
My calendar is full.
My cabinet is packed. Prescriptions, supplements, herbals, and topicals. They overflow the shelf and the organizer. I play Tetris until they fit. My clumsy hands drop them. It used to just be two. Their numbers are many now.
So many tiny,
So many large.
Compressed pills, capsules that stick in my throat requiring a pint of water to wash down.
Not a fix; not a cure.
Reminders of what I've lost; what I am now.
My cabinet is packed.
My list is long of what I need to do, when it needs doing, and where I need to go.
An appointment, prescription, groceries. Maybe it's a gift for someone else.
Can I do this efficiently? What's the best path? Mapping it means doing it quickly.
Done with it.
Oh fuck I am tired.
Put it off to another day. Prioritize. Isolate the vital. Tick them off until I can rest.
My list is long.
My mind is forgetful. An accumulation of supposed to's.
Couldn't do it all yesterday. One got discarded. An important one.
Write it down. Reminder notice in my phone.
What was I going to write down?
It'll come back to me. If it's important enough. That's what they say.
Why can't I remember?
My mind is forgetful.
My body needs food. What's in the fridge? Salsa, cheese, carrots.
Man I just want a doughnut. Sugar and wheat and bad fats.
Carbs.
Nitrites.
FODMAPS.
Grab something and go sit down.
Something easy.
Easy to prepare. Easy to clean up.
But I feel nauseous. Ginger tea then. Let my stomach settle.
My body needs food.
I schedule, organize, rank, evaluate, manage.
And I am so weary.
Weary of it all.
Sunday, February 3, 2019
Accused rev.
On the night of December 31 you were observed drinking red wine. Do you recall that evening? Yes.
Do you admit to drinking wine that night?
Yes.
Was it red wine?
Yes.
Are you aware wine, especially red wine with its tannins, is a trigger for migraines?
For some, yes. I also know triggers for aren't the same for everyone. Sometimes I get away with it. Some labels don't trigger my pain.Whatever the case, I drank the wine.
Do you recall the afternoon of the 9th of this month?
Yes.
Where were you that day?
At home and then I went to coffee with a friend.
Did you check the weather report that day?
Yes.
What was the weather report on the afternoon of the 9th of this month?
It was 53 degrees until about mid afternoon. Then it was supposed to drop to 2 degrees.
Do you usually keep gloves in your purse?
Yes.
Why is that?
The cold makes my hands ache.
Is it painful?
Yes. Very painful.
Then why didn't you have gloves in your purse on the 9th of this month?
I didn't take my purse. I thought I had some in my coat.
Did you? Have some in your coat?
No.
But you just said that you knew the weather report would be close to zero degrees and that the cold causes you a lot of pain. Why didn't you have your gloves?
I had taken them out of my pockets the last time I wore them. I threw them in my other bag and never put them back in my coat.
So you were negligent in managing your health?
No. I'm human. I'm sure you've forgotten something in your life, too. Maybe earplugs for a concert, or sunscreen at the lake. I turned on my car's seat warmer and took turns sitting my hands to keep them warm. I managed just fine.
Earlier this year you went to dinner with family.
Yes.
This was a place you and your family frequent, right?
Yes. I've been going there since I was a kid.
Did you know which items on the menu contain gluten?
I figured most of the menu.
The chips. Did you know the chips and salsa you snacked on before your meal contained gluten?
No. I figured they were just corn. Carb heavy and mostly indigestible, but no. I didn't know about the wheat.
But you avoid gluten because of a sensitivity. At least, that's what you've professed.
True. It's more complicated than that though.
Oh? How's it complicated? You either avoid gluten or you don't.
I do! I should. Wheat, especially refined wheat, can aggravate just about everything in a body like mine. Even whole grains.
So you have Celiac's?
No.
Then there's no need for you to avoid gluten.
Gluten means wheat. Wheat means carbs. The more grain carbs taken in, the more inflammation. But one night of food that I've eaten and enjoyed my whole life is worth it. After micro managing my diet all the time, a little break is worth it! It's worth it.
Even if you know you are risking pain or at least discomfort?
Even if.
You have been found guilty by a jury of your friends, family, and strangers. You are sentenced to harsh judgments and shaming. Have you anything to say for yourself?
Yes. I have chronic illnesses. I have researched and tried just about everything you think you know about my condition. My choices are informed. For "good," for "bad,"- however you judge my choices- I own those choices. None of this is my fault. It's exhausting trying to do all the things "right". I follow what my doctors tell me. I do the best I know how.
My defense is this: I am steward of this body. I know it better than you.
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
The Quitter
I quit.There's no shame in quitting. In fact, sometimes it is essential.
Like the time I had to stop. It made me flat and disinterested in other things. I felt nothing, so I kept trying to feel something. It got ridiculously risky. It had to go.
Or the time it made me think of suicide. Not only did it make food gross, but it made me think of killing myself. Making a plan. Considering the method, the act, and the aftermath. It had to go.
Then there was when it didn't work at all, but actually made things worse. It said to give it up to six months. I waited longer, but it only made it harder to deal with the symptoms. It was worse, yet 30 times more expensive than others. It had to go.
Once, it died. I said goodbye, and looked for another. But nothing panned out. I actually think the one attempt made matters painfully worse. It was discouraging and awkward. It had to go.
Now another one is set to go. It's never been comfortable, and it's never been worth it's cost. A few items already discounted, a few worth considering, but some were just wrong. More wrong than right. It has to go.
So today I quit. I'm done pushing through. I'm done soldiering on and spending mornings in a nauseated fog. I can't face another day of getting through and being wiped out just to start the cycle again the next day. Today I quit. Today I rest. Today I take care of me because I can. Because I need to.
Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I'll have the energy. Maybe tomorrow it won't be so hard. We'll see.
Tomorrow.
Like the time I had to stop. It made me flat and disinterested in other things. I felt nothing, so I kept trying to feel something. It got ridiculously risky. It had to go.
Or the time it made me think of suicide. Not only did it make food gross, but it made me think of killing myself. Making a plan. Considering the method, the act, and the aftermath. It had to go.
Then there was when it didn't work at all, but actually made things worse. It said to give it up to six months. I waited longer, but it only made it harder to deal with the symptoms. It was worse, yet 30 times more expensive than others. It had to go.
Once, it died. I said goodbye, and looked for another. But nothing panned out. I actually think the one attempt made matters painfully worse. It was discouraging and awkward. It had to go.
Now another one is set to go. It's never been comfortable, and it's never been worth it's cost. A few items already discounted, a few worth considering, but some were just wrong. More wrong than right. It has to go.
So today I quit. I'm done pushing through. I'm done soldiering on and spending mornings in a nauseated fog. I can't face another day of getting through and being wiped out just to start the cycle again the next day. Today I quit. Today I rest. Today I take care of me because I can. Because I need to.
Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I'll have the energy. Maybe tomorrow it won't be so hard. We'll see.
Tomorrow.
Monday, January 21, 2019
The Analyst
Umm, excuse me. I got a message that something has gone offline with your therapy plan. Can you describe the problem?
Yes. It began about two years ago. I started getting more frequent headaches.
Did you drink more water?
Yes. That's not the problem. I tried that before calling. You see I...
Ok. Let's see. Did you eat?
Yes. I love eating. My husband is a fantastic cook.
Did you have red wine? Processed foods?
No. I don't think you understand the problem. I have been through all the usual troubleshoots. Water, food, wine, nitrate/nitrite, and cheese. Nothing worked. My headaches have erupted in frequency and intensity.
Did you try shutting down and restarting?
Yup. Did that too. My sleep cycle is same as ever at about 7 to 7.5 hours a night. Seriously. I wouldn't have called if any of the usual things readily available on a Google search were the issue. Anyway...
What about medications. Anything new or different?
...ruled that out, too. Actually went off of one for about 7 months, which made the lupus fatigue worse. That wasn't the issue. I actually put the work ticket in because...
Have you seen a doctor or specialist?
My GP, an ENT, and a neurologist in addition to my rheumalotogist and even my gynecologist. I've seen them all.
...and?
Nothing. Not my ears, not my hormones, not a tumor. Nothing except a few white spots on my brain, which are apparently normal for someone my age.
Your migraines were well-managed prior. Is that correct?
Yes, but...
What have you stopped doing? Sometimes we get complacent when we feel good.
*sigh*
...
Hello? Ma'am? Are you still on the line?
I've been through it all. I've tried elimination diets, I've tried my vestibular rehabilitation exercises, and I've tried a handful of different medications. Even upping my supplements like magnesium and then adding regular massages. The first thing you do when a flare up of symptoms happens is to examine the current treatments and look for anything that is lacking from before.
What did you find that you had let go?
Nothing, you ignorant jackass! I've been through it all and nothing set this ball rolling. Chronic conditions don't need the person to be slacking in order to flare up or worsen. Sometimes they just do. I feel like you're blaming me for this situation.
Perhaps you're too focused on feeling bad. You need to get out more. What do you enjoy doing?
I enjoy a lot of things. Some things I haven't been able to enjoy because my pain makes life unpredictable. The vertigo keeps me from biking much and dancing is just depressing right now. I love reading, but I can't understand what I read sometimes even when the pain isn't the major issue. Before the pain really hits, I struggle with words and reading. There's not much I can do sometimes. It does rather consume my focus when the pain never really subsides, or the vertigo keeps me from moving around too much, or I'm just too fucking tired to do a gorram thing! I feel like you don't know how this feels. To be shut up, isolated, confused, depressed, frustrated and without anyone to just listen rather than try to "help" with well-meaning fix-its. I've. Been. Through. All. The. Troubleshoots.
Have you tried...
Don't say it.
Yoga?
*click
Sunday, January 13, 2019
The Moody One
Wow! I feel good. I'm laughing and enjoying things and man! This energy is fantastic! I haven't felt this good in a while. I'm on top of things. I just got everything on my to do list for today done. I am on fire! I just had a great conversation with a colleague. It felt so good to laugh. I came home and instead of being tired, I did a little housework and helped make dinner with my husband. I still have a bounce in my step. This is awesome!
Oh shit. I'm in too good of a mood. A former student came to visit me today and I was too bubbly. He looked at me like I was weird or high or something. I was almost giddy
No. I was giddy. Shit. I'm heading for a migraine. Do I take the triptan now or do I wait for the actual pain? What if this is nothing and I'm really just in a good mood? I hate not knowing.
Oh shit. I'm in too good of a mood. A former student came to visit me today and I was too bubbly. He looked at me like I was weird or high or something. I was almost giddy
No. I was giddy. Shit. I'm heading for a migraine. Do I take the triptan now or do I wait for the actual pain? What if this is nothing and I'm really just in a good mood? I hate not knowing.
I've got a knot in my belly. I can't relax my shoulders. Fuck! I just unclenched my fists and they're all tense again. I want to curl up in a ball and sob. Would that make me feel better? I'm so alone. I'm not very good at anything. Not really. I don't want to go to dance. I just want to put my pajamas on and sit on the sofa. Ah! My kitties are curling up with me. Their purrs and cuddles are soothing. At least they love me. God I want to bawl. A really good ugly cry is what I need. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to get up. I don't want to do anything. I can't. Maybe I should eat. I haven't eaten today. I'm not hungry. Never mind. Maybe I should just go to bed. Yeah. Bed. Duck down and pull the blanket over my head. Block out the world. This is good enough. Nothing else. Just let me stay here and not see anything. How am I supposed to go to work tomorrow. I can't. I can't get out of bed. I can't face anything right now. Go away world.
Wait minute. Where are these thoughts coming from? It'll pass. This is the depression phase. This isn't like you. You know that. It'll pass. You should sleep. You'll feel better afterward. It's just the post-migraine blues. Or is the prodrome phase? It sucks now, but it'll pass. I'll prep with my migraine toolkit just in case I'm heading into another one. I'm ready. I got this. Oh gods I hope I got this. Please don't let it be a Big Nasty.
Wait minute. Where are these thoughts coming from? It'll pass. This is the depression phase. This isn't like you. You know that. It'll pass. You should sleep. You'll feel better afterward. It's just the post-migraine blues. Or is the prodrome phase? It sucks now, but it'll pass. I'll prep with my migraine toolkit just in case I'm heading into another one. I'm ready. I got this. Oh gods I hope I got this. Please don't let it be a Big Nasty.
I hate everything! Why doesn't my husband get up and help me with shit around this house? I have to do everything. I make the menus, I do the laundry, I clean the bathroom, and I manage the money. Now he wants me to make grocery lists? Why the fuck can't he make grocery lists? So help me if he asks me what's for dinner one more goddamn time I am going to lose it! Then there's my mom. Doesn't she see how annoying her long emails are? It's a fucking email for cryin' out loud. They're meant to be brief! I'm trying to work dammit! Has she forgotten what it 's like to be a teacher? What the hell's up with "let us know ASAP"? God fucking dammit! Doesn't she understand that I have things to do besides plan a meal that is three days away? Someone else make some fucking decisions! I can't today. I'm done! And another thing! Why can't those kids plug computers in on the cart? I have to organize and straighten and make sure everything's done. Oh! And the books are all disorganized. Again! How hard is it to to put them spine out and upright? Fuck! Another late assignment? I just finished grading all that shit and here's another. Dammit. Where's that rubric? Am I out? What the actual fuck? I missed something. I know I did it. Where'd it go. I forgot about the deadline. Did I read that email? Why are there so many emails? Gods. I suck! I just want to throw things and smash things and fuck it all!
Whoa there. I sound like an ungrateful jerk. Let's just take a minute and assess this situation. My heart is racing and this rage is just bizarre. These are little things. They aren't really that bad at all. Why am I so worked up about these petty and really small annoyances? I'm blowing them way out of proportion frankly.
Oh wait. Sons of bitches and whores! Here it comes again. How long will it be this time? A few hours? A day? Two days? You're aware now, so be vigilant. Take deep breaths. Listen to your relaxing music. Belly breaths. Make sure you have a tripaan with you no matter what. You can manage this. Keep quiet. Whatever comes out of your mouth might be caustic. It might be irrationally angry. Before you say it, breathe it out. Walk away from anything that sets you off. Fuck. Me. Running.
Whoa there. I sound like an ungrateful jerk. Let's just take a minute and assess this situation. My heart is racing and this rage is just bizarre. These are little things. They aren't really that bad at all. Why am I so worked up about these petty and really small annoyances? I'm blowing them way out of proportion frankly.
Oh wait. Sons of bitches and whores! Here it comes again. How long will it be this time? A few hours? A day? Two days? You're aware now, so be vigilant. Take deep breaths. Listen to your relaxing music. Belly breaths. Make sure you have a tripaan with you no matter what. You can manage this. Keep quiet. Whatever comes out of your mouth might be caustic. It might be irrationally angry. Before you say it, breathe it out. Walk away from anything that sets you off. Fuck. Me. Running.
I hate not being able to trust my emotions. I don't really know when it's genuine or when it's a sign of impending migraine. How do I tell them apart?
Sunday, January 6, 2019
The Minimizer
Hi! I have chronic migraines, but it only takes 15 days away a month. I only have to stay in bed or on the sofa on my weekends instead of doing things I want to do. That's when the pain hits most of the time. I am so exhausted from pushing through it that I am too exhausted to do the things I want. Really. I can still work most of the time even with the pain, brain farts, and slurred speech. It's not that bad. Other people have conditions far worse. Like cancer patients for example. They really have more right to complain or feel sorry for themselves than I do. I just have headaches.
Hi. I have lupus. But you know, it's not that bad. My skin erupts in lesions and spots when I am in the sun. I can't stand the heat or the cold without cognitive impairment and pain. I get tired once in a while. Tired like I can't stand or move or even do much really. I mean look at that person. She can't walk without crutches and she's on steroids, so she's got it far worse than I do. The person over there is losing her eyesight. That one can't get out of bed. I can still slog into work. I really have no need to draw attention to myself.
Hi. I have Sjogren's. It's so bad sometimes that I can't talk my mouth is so dry. I spend a lot of money on dental care and still my teeth break or get develop cavities or need root canals. My eyes burn a lot to the point I have to close them for periods of time even with the Restasis. My fingers tingle and I get needle stabs in my feet that make my whole legs jump. I can't swallow that well. I need a pint of water just to take my medications. But I manage. It's not like I don't have access to water and I do have dental insurance. I get by.
Hello. I have vertigo associated with my migraines. It makes me feel like I'm walking in a canoe. Sometimes I lose my balance and fall into the wall, so I get bruised. I have to lean against the wall when I'm on hall duty. I fall over doing yoga. I lose balance dancing. I feel like I am going head first down the stairs, so I go really slowly and walk on an angle. I have coping strategies. There's vestibular rehabilitation training I do. I can dance more slowly and not spin around. You know, keep my head in the same space as much as possible. The nausea isn't that bad. I can still eat and maintain my weight. No vomiting. It's not like I have to stay in a wheelchair all the time. I mean, I sit down at work a lot and I keep my hand on solid objects around me. I manage.
My life isn't affected by chronic illness that much. Not really. I'm still alive. I can work. I'm not in the hospital. I don't have it that bad. Not compared to some. Not really.
Hi. I have lupus. But you know, it's not that bad. My skin erupts in lesions and spots when I am in the sun. I can't stand the heat or the cold without cognitive impairment and pain. I get tired once in a while. Tired like I can't stand or move or even do much really. I mean look at that person. She can't walk without crutches and she's on steroids, so she's got it far worse than I do. The person over there is losing her eyesight. That one can't get out of bed. I can still slog into work. I really have no need to draw attention to myself.
Hi. I have Sjogren's. It's so bad sometimes that I can't talk my mouth is so dry. I spend a lot of money on dental care and still my teeth break or get develop cavities or need root canals. My eyes burn a lot to the point I have to close them for periods of time even with the Restasis. My fingers tingle and I get needle stabs in my feet that make my whole legs jump. I can't swallow that well. I need a pint of water just to take my medications. But I manage. It's not like I don't have access to water and I do have dental insurance. I get by.
Hello. I have vertigo associated with my migraines. It makes me feel like I'm walking in a canoe. Sometimes I lose my balance and fall into the wall, so I get bruised. I have to lean against the wall when I'm on hall duty. I fall over doing yoga. I lose balance dancing. I feel like I am going head first down the stairs, so I go really slowly and walk on an angle. I have coping strategies. There's vestibular rehabilitation training I do. I can dance more slowly and not spin around. You know, keep my head in the same space as much as possible. The nausea isn't that bad. I can still eat and maintain my weight. No vomiting. It's not like I have to stay in a wheelchair all the time. I mean, I sit down at work a lot and I keep my hand on solid objects around me. I manage.
My life isn't affected by chronic illness that much. Not really. I'm still alive. I can work. I'm not in the hospital. I don't have it that bad. Not compared to some. Not really.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Better Life Choices
It's 2019 in case you missed the noise and festivities. It was loud in our neck of the woods. Our poor cats were more than disturbed by the fireworks...just like my sleep. But here it is as usual: a new turn around the sun. Along with that comes the usual round of soon to be broken and forgotten resolutions. I saw a post about resolutions and the person simply committed to being less of an asshole. Sounds good to me, so for 2019 I will make these choices to be less of an asshole.
I will spend less time on social media and more time doing things I enjoy. I broke it off with Facebook. Now I just need to limit my time on Reddit and Pinterest. This should be fairly easy to accomplish as I don't spend much time there anyway. This will help me less of an asshole because I won't be tempted to unleash a keyboard storm of rants at people who post things that offend my sensibilities. I'll be less of an asshole to myself as well because my blood pressure won't explode and I'll have more time for other endeavors.
Less time scrolling means I'll have more time for things like reading and gasp! creative exploits. I read a lot of books in 2018, but not as many as I wanted. If I make time to read before bed, it likely will help me get more sleep as well, so I'll be less of an asshole to my body and my mind. As for being creative, I figure dancing, polymer clay projects, and a writing series I'm thinking of will also help me be less of an asshole to myself. If I'm less of an asshole to myself, the greater the chance I'll be less of an asshole to others.
I might even have more time to be less of an asshole to my friends and family. Who knows? I might actually make some more time for socializing outside of electronic mediums. There may even be volunteering in the works. I just have to find the right fit. Something I believe in that won't be let down if I have to call out with a migraine.
There you have it. I'm going to less of an asshole. Maybe it will rub off on others. That phrasing may need some work.
US Fish Wildlife and Parks
Sound good to you, derpy Goat?
Indonesia Emosi
Less of this is good for everyone.
Life goals for everyone!
Percolate Galactic
This is not a therapy I have tried.
pictorem
Aww! You got it figured out, my moose!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)